The Angels' Portion

When I finish a bottle, I take what I call a “man down” photo. Typically, I’ll lay the bottle on its side, the cork removed but visible, and I’ll include a glass containing the edition’s final pour. It’s also not uncommon for me to add additional staging before typing a quick sentence or two and posting it on social media. A few examples of this practice are included below. As you can see, I…

Details matter. For me, details are like a recipe’s ingredients. If you miss one, no matter how insignificant it might seem, things can go south in a hurry. Details are the tiny heroes laboring in our lives and work. They turn “good” into “great.” They’re the bridge from “almost there” to “nailed it.” Admittedly, some details are more important than others. While each is a brushstroke in the…

In the spirit of collegial concern, I want you to know that I’ve discovered what very well could be the scroogiest restaurant in America. By scroogiest, I mean that every aspect of the experience was fine-tuned to provide all things in penny-pinching minimality. I won’t share the name or location of the restaurant except to say that it exclusively sells Panera Bread products and that I was in…

Plenty of things fascinate me. I am mesmerized by sunrises. Animal instincts—how they know things humans do not—are incredibly intriguing. A two-month-old’s facial expressions are attention-absorbing in every way. It’s mind-boggling that, technically, the space between any two objects can be infinitely divided in half. The fact that people will throw away life-long friendships after one…

I’m a grandfather now. Crazy, I know. Although not half as crazy as the world into which my grandchildren are being born. I just learned that people are selling pictures of their feet to websites for cash. Apparently, there are lucrative fetish markets out there that few of us know about. In 2019, Italian artist Maurizio Cattelan duct-taped a banana to a wall of Art Basel Miami. He sold the piece…

The thing about writing satire is that sometimes I just don’t feel very funny. Sometimes, I’m tired of the sound of my own voice in my own head. Thankfully, the world around me is reliably absurd. Thankfully, its voice, while equally exhausting, is forever resonating with foolish things worthy of ridicule. For example, consider my morning. I was tired. I did not sleep well. I did not feel…

You know there must be something wrong with an item when its price tag is well below the item’s value. For example, I once bought a Marshall speaker stack for my guitar amp for about half what it was worth. It was in great shape, with hardly any wear and tear. However, the price foretold an issue. And there was one. Only two of the four speakers worked. Fortunately, it was a wiring issue that was…

I saw the strangest thing. It was early, a little after 7:00 AM. I was on my way to the office. Barely a quarter mile from my subdivision’s exit, I pulled into the parking lot of our town’s only hardware store to fetch something from the rear of my Wrangler. Item in hand, I mounted the pilot’s seat and prepared to resume my journey. Rolling toward the lot’s exit, I noticed two pedestrians—a man…

I raised my children in love. Despite the more modern Disney princesses’ best efforts, I taught my daughters that, indeed, they are prizes to be won. Despite this world’s selfish interests, I taught my sons to be honorable men worthy of other fathers’ daughters. Except when it comes to the board game “Monopoly.” Monopoly has a history in my family. For starters, let the reader understand I’ve…

Somehow, the “If I were God” topic arose during a casual discussion with my family. Barely at its midpoint, a determination was made. “It’s a good thing I’m not God,” I said. My wife unhesitatingly agreed, but that’s only because she knows my darker, less compassionate self. My children, on the other hand, do not, which is probably why my first proposed act as the Divine, although shocking, was…

If you’re talking to me, I may only be half-listening. This does not mean I don’t like you or that I’m generally disinterested in what you have to say. It simply means that mentally, I’ve strayed into a possible scenario relative to our discussion, and I’m now trapped in an unfortunate attention-sucking downswirl of questions that is leading me to more questions. For example, I took two of our…

Do you want to know how I know that my marriage is more secure than yours? It’s really very simple. Before your wife kisses you, there’s the chance she’ll push you away, reach into her purse, and don flavored lip gloss. That’s nice. She cares, and she’s proving her care. But true love goes further. Pulling my wife closer for a kiss, she halts the advance, goes to the refrigerator, steals and…

Like you, I have my favorite things. My Jeep Wrangler is one. Of course, whisky is another. I have a favorite spot on my living floor for napping. I have certain books I prefer above others. Sometimes, my favorite things change. For me, it’s rare, but only because I keep things pretty much for forever. Clothing is no exception. I have t-shirts in my closet that are more than thirty years old.…

“She’s not very attractive. Look at her face. It’s not even symmetrical.” So said the loud, unkempt, and grossly overweight 30-something man in the theater row before us wearing a ratted hat in the actual shape of the Disney character “Stitch” (ears, nose, and all) while shoveling massive handfuls of popcorn into his mouth, some falling to and collecting on a well-worn Pokémon shirt adorning his…

Most marriage therapists agree that the best way to keep the matrimonial bond sturdy is through good communication. No matter life’s scene, whether big or small, when a husband and wife are communicating, longevity and relative joy are the relationship’s promise. My wife and I are pretty good communicators. At least, I think so. She hasn’t left me yet. I consider that partial proof. Still, we do…

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Bringing a baby to a movie theater should be a punishable crime. Allow me to explain. As I do, keep in mind what I said. The people who bring babies to movie theaters, not the babies themselves, are the focus of my ire. First, anyone who knows me can attest to my love of babies. Planned or unplanned, normal or abnormal, I’m pro-life through and through. Babies make the world and its spaces,…