And I Rise

But now, I can’t make myself thrive. I can barely lift my head up. Speaking is the most painful thing in my life. I feel like there is no reason for me to be this depressed again. I am dating the most magical human being in the whole world, who I love with my whole heart. I have some really great friends, who love me, who inspire me, who push me to be more, who want to see me succeed. I have doctors who are trying to move mountains for me. I have a dad who always tells me how much he loves me, and I know he means it. I have the wordless greatest little shithead of a Cat. She is my world, and she always reminds me that I’m needed. 

But what if I can’t. What if I can’t ever thrive again. What if I am just a ball of depression for the rest of my life. What if I lose everyone I love because I can’t show them how much I love them right now? How do I come out of this, with my head held high? I want to pull myself out, I am trying so fucking hard. Maybe it’s not enough. Maybe I need to let in more people. Maybe I need to figure out how to talk out loud to people. Maybe I need to stop being so afraid of the darkness and the light. Maybe I just need to cut myself some damn slack. I’ve been through so much, and I know that. I know that it’s okay for me to feel like this, most people who have been though similar trauma would feel like this. It makes sense to feel like that. But I want to help people. I want to show that I believe in the goodness of the world. I want to never lose hope. I need someone to hold onto hope for me.