Slaying Strong

If you’re reading this, this is a gentle reminder that you are enough -- as is, right now. 

I don’t think I’ve ever cried in front of my PCP until today. I got weighed at my annual appointment and am the heaviest I’ve ever been. I’ve been so uncomfortable in my own skin and clothes lately and now that I have a number, it solidifies these feelings and suspicions. My therapist talks sometimes about how it’s “perceived weight gain” related to body dysmorphia and I remember telling her no, it’s not perceived. It’s factual. My clothes don’t fit well anymore, that’s a fact. Not in my head. Now I have a number to prove it. Idk what I’m going to do. I know the “logical and recovery focused” answer is to do nothing. To embrace it. I don’t think I can and quite frankly, I don’t want to. My wife and I are moving to a new state in a few weeks for her fellowship so I am going through a major transition time. I will need a new therapist, a new PCP etc. which I am reallllly dreading. I considered going without a therapist for a bit because i felt like I was in a decent place, but now I think that would be really risky.

I think I just need to rant into the ether about how exhausting social media is lately with beauty standards and the way that being skinny feels like it is ultraaaa trendy. It’s a bad time to be someone in recovery from an eating disorder, let me tell ya. I’ve worked extremely, extremely hard to get to where I am in my recovery and I hate to say it, but my body image is so so poor rn and has been for the last few months that I truly feel like I am wavering and if I’m not careful, I’m totally fucked. I know I’m not the same person I was when I first started my recovery, so therefore recovering from a relapse would be very different and doesn’t mean I’m starting from zero. I just feel so incredibly weak, tired, self critical, and disgusted. That is all.