Waves

And you go through things your 17 year old self couldn't have imagined

And you find out what grief really is

And you toss in your bed at 2 am trying to remember what being a child felt like

And you miss being a resentful teenager, even though you were a little insane

And you wonder what 9 year old you would have thought of 24 year old you

But you live, despite it all

And you go to places you've prayed for so long

And you meet someone who makes you feel warm and home

And you don't hate mirrors anymore

And you are not afraid of eating a burger anymore

And now you know that there are more days when you are at peace than when you are miserable

Maybe time heals everything, or maybe you get used to it. At this point, does it matter?

How do you tell them that your breathing becomes ragged and your knees start buckling at the thought of travelling alone on the subway?

How do you say that life seems pointless to you, even though you seem to have everything to lead a good life?

How do you say that you have don't feel like you have a connection with people even though you have a warm home and friends who announce their love for you on Instagram?

How do you tell them you can't sleep at night even though you work overtime and are always busy?

How do you make them realize that you feel unlovable and inefficient? That every new day is a struggle? That life is just going on and you don't know why you're stuck?

It's different now. I'm the last one awake but not because I want to look at the stars. I don't know where my telescope is. Maybe with everything else I lost interest in as I grew up. Isn't it funny? The things we thought we could never live without aren't in our lives anymore, and we don't care.

Oh, it's different now. I'm the last one awake because I've forgotten how to sleep. Or my sleep is with my telescope too. I don't look at the night sky anymore. I don't know when I am awake and when I am asleep anymore.

Unruly hair and tired eyes

Home doesn't feel like home

My body doesn't look like mine

There's something in my bones

A tiredness that's eating me

A sadness that's engulfing me

Tiredness that doesn't let me sleep

Sadness that doesn't let me cry

I stare at walls blankly for days

I don't understand what I am tired of

I don't know what's making me sad

I know I am withering away

I just don't understand why

I think

Mirrors show too much

And I lie down in my bed

I think about my life

Staring at the ceiling

I take in its bare nothingness

So bland and empty

I realize

There are some mirrors

You just can’t avoid

About the kind of love that can change the world and mend souls

About that little flutter my heart gives when I watch the starry sky

About the little boy eating the cotton candy ice cream

About the fireworks in your eyes when you talk about your favourite book

About the humming of bees and the honey in their beehives

About the cramped bakery down the street that smells like my childhood

About the crackling flames during campfires on cool autumn nights

About solitude and loneliness and coffee on rainy days to drown it all

Texts from my friends

Notes on my last post

Invites to brunch

But they didn't help

I kept staring at the wall

I was blank and hollow

Nauseous and starving

Nothing helps when you

Want to go into oblivion

And wake up only

When you feel better

"Why don't you talk anymore?

We had to ask you to shut up before."

I pressed my lips as I looked at her

I gave my usual half smile and shrugged

My cousin told me as I hugged her

"You hug like a dead person, S!"

She walked through airport security

And I waved at her numbly

Shutting my dry, tearless eyes

My brother asked me during dinner

"In what way would you like to die?"

My hands froze as my throat became dry

"But am I not dead enough?"

The clinking of spoons and forks stopped

The realization of what I'd said hit me

That's when everyone turned a deaf ear

It's easier to ignore than to acknowledge

And I didn't know if I should laugh or cry

At my pitiful, hilarious plight

The twinkling of stars

Or sparkling of diamonds

That your eyes shine with

I don't know if it's

The smoke of cigarettes

Or fading, distant mountains

That is the colour of your eyes

I don't know if it's

The mall on Christmas eve

Or snuggles on a rainy day

That your eyes remind me of

I turn my head away

The sky is pouring

I look at my flashing phone

Unanswered texts greet my face

The whole day is stained with grey

I look for twinkling stars for hope

Dark clouds and fog is all I see

Disappointment fills me again

I shut my eyes to look for courage

I feel like you splashed icy water on me

I sniff as I look at you again

Did you ask me what was wrong?

I don't know, everything perhaps?

Departure lounges

Hotel lobbies

Sunsets on the beach

Where have I not thought about you

You didn't leave any place

Where I could be free from

Your thoughts

And our memories

My eyes are bloodshot and my cheeks are sunken in

I am wearing gloves so you can't see my shaking hands

I wouldn't be surprised if you'd call me a walking corpse

But that's the problem with people

They only notice when you show

They only observe when you tell

And, they only realize when it's over

I am not that girl who gets all the sighs

I am not that girl who gets envied by all the other girls

I am not that girl who knows where her life is going

I am not that girl who weighs 89 pounds

I am not that girl who has got her shit together

I am not that girl who is so smart, she's getting in to Harvard

I am not that girl who lights up the room whenever she walks in

I am not that girl who writes the most amazing poems

I am not that girl who wears her heart on her sleeve

I am not that girl who loves coffee and romantic comedies

I am not that girl who leaves bits of her wisdom wherever she goes

I am not that girl who can paint the world with her hand

I am not that girl who is the life of the party

I am not that girl who is kind and loves and loves and loves

I am not that girl, and I am fading into the dark abyss

I am not that girl. But, oh, I do wish I was.