Bababooie Bababooie

i looked back through my camera roll tonight. not sure why, couldn't sleep. i scrolled back to 2021, looked at all the photos of myself back then. i was thinner, with worse eyeliner, and a very small smile in many photos. it's strange being able to look back in time and point out that, at a certain point, i wasn't myself. of course this isn't something i knew at the time - i didn't know who i was back then. i just wanted to please others and be loved. i wanted a happy and calm life. but looking back on those photos, i can see now that i was happy, but not to exist as myself. i was happy to be wanted and happy to be living my life in a way that wasn't deemed a failure. at university, with a boyfriend with a very optimistic future ahead of him, living in well-furnished apartments. that was my life for 4 and a half years.

around the 2023 mark in the photographs is when i notice a shift in how i hold myself in these older photos. more colour in my clothing, slightly bolder hairstyles and colours (all still natural of course, i wanted to still be appealing after all), and interests that are scattered in the backgrounds of the photos. the vibrancy of the monkees posters and albums can't be missed, and i have other friends from work who bring out the best in me. i was having more fun, but it came at the price of me no longer being as desirable as before to some. i was being bold, rather than muted and easy-going.

late 2023 going into 2024 marked the end of my first relationship. i can look back on it now and say it was me realising i wasn't loved for who i was or wanted to be, i was loved because i was easy to put into a specific mould or role, and i didn't complain. so obviously it was an issue for all parties when i did start to complain. i wanted more, i wanted freedom to be myself without judgement. i didn't know it then, but i wanted the space to figure out (some might say re-learn) who i was and what i wanted in life. i moved out and lived on my own. it was hellish.

2024 to early 2025 should have been a better time for me. i should have had the chance to grow, heal, learn who i am. but instead i was lulled into a false sense of safety and security by someone who only wanted to use me and bully me for his own entertainment. of course, back then i truly believed he liked me and wanted me around because he saw who i was. i didn't even know, so if he knew, he must be right. it was history repeating itself in a different font. this one had photos of me looking livelier and more creative, confident even, however there's still something not right. there's happiness, but it's all based on fleeting highs followed by soul-crushing lows. hindsight and a few therapy sessions have shown it to be mania, likely as a result of both not having and confidence or personal outlet for almost 5 years, and desperately wanting to be loved. i wanted to be liked, cared for, loved. i changed myself again, like the first time, but this was rougher. yes, i looked great while doing it, but i wasn't doing great. after a year of being lied to, used, and then turned on, i ended the first quarter of 2025 friendless, with two 'attempts' to show for it and a completely obliterated sense of self-worth. any friends i had were pushed away, or even pulled away from me, and it's easy to see why looking back on it.

then i took time to get to know myself. therapy was an anchor at this point. many of the photographs around this time are full of family, pets, walks, and nature. i am lucky i was able to turn to my family, despite how i'd been swayed to distance myself previously. i took time to build myself up and give everything one last try. there's a lot of melancholy and tiredness in the photos in early 2025.

and then, there's a change in the camera roll. after learning to live with my own company, i learnt to wear what i wanted, go where i wanted, all without the intention of impressing someone else to sway them into liking me. i met the most wonderful man at a concert i chose to go to on my own, unheard of previously. i got a flat that i love being in, after having little to no say in where I'd gotten to stay previously. i got a job that pays well and i enjoy doing, and doesn't drain me mentally - all because i decided for myself. the photos look relaxed, colourful, happy. i have warmth in my eyes, and my eyeliner is no longer wonky and misplaced. there's signs of having learnt something, and not just new makeup techniques. there's confidence and signs of self-love.

late 2025 to now in the camera roll is filled with joy. the photos of myself stare back at me with a knowledge that i'm loved and cared for, without changing who i am, and without forcing myself into a mould that i was never meant to fit. there's happy birthdays, photos with old friends that were at that point overdue a chat and a hug, and people i love who make it all worthwhile. looking back at me is someone who isn't fully done yet, but is doing so much better than she had been.

seeing this development in the photographs made me happy for myself, grateful i did in fact make it this far. it almost ended twice. but it didn't. and while i am filled with sadness and pain for the girl who suffered for all those years, i'm relieved she's okay now. because that's me! i made it this far! and it was fucking hard!