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Whereas the reality is far more like

OhHh my godddd. 🫠🫠🫠🫠 Luckily I AM ready to hear and receive this!!!! It all comes back to Ilya and how risky sex was his one form of catharsis from his shitty home life, doesn't it? It all comes back to his passive suicidal ideation that made every experience that made him feel even remotely alive seem worth it. What does it matter if the risky sex he's having is with older American men in seedy bathrooms or in the velvet lined bedroom of some oligarch from the old country?

I'm picturing this all comes out after hollanov have a talk about their childhood crushes. Shane shares his revelation about crushing on his old coach in Juniors. And Ilya teases Shane and makes him blush and squirm and obviously they fuck about it, but then afterwards Ilya casually drops: "Did you fuck him?"

"Hm? Who?"

"Your coach."

And Shane sits up from where he's been lying next to Ilya in bed to look at him in the face, to see if he's serious. He is.

"You're seriously asking me if I fucked my coach? In juniors?"

And Ilya, who lost his virginity at fourteen, does a biiig dramatic eye roll and is like "Ugh yes Shane i am asking. Or does that hurt your delicate North American sensibilities?" And he's getting a little mean with it now, to try and distract Shane from the way he's looking at him, with this pinched horrified face. "It would not be so crazy." Ilya ends up saying, a little too defensively.

And then Shane is really looking horrified as he says "Did you... Did you have sex with your coach?"

And Ilya laughs, trying to lighten the mood like: "Not my coach. But this old man, he'd come watch my games. He tried to pay me to step on his balls but I thought This is something I'd like to do to this creep for free, yes?"

Shane is not fucking laughing. He looks at Ilya all fucking,,, scandalised and just says, "Ilya, that's awful." So of course Ilya gets extremely fucking prickly about it, and they end up having a huge blow up fight, before Ilya eventually relents and tries to appeal to Galina, who looks at him with no judgement, no real discernible expression, and asks him in his own language if he really finds the memory funny. THEN we get the big cathartic breakdown.

THEYVE LITERALLY EARNED IT!!! AND IVE ALWAYS SAID THIS!!!! THEIR RELATIONSHIP WAS FORGED IN FUCKING FIRE, Y'ALL!!!!

'get out. you know you shouldn't be here. it's been six months-'

'wow. six months already. guess time flies when you're having fun'

'this is your idea of fun, is it? getting kicked out of clubs and tattooing my name on your ass while you were drunk?'

'who told you that? every time i fucked one of your teammates i told them to keep that a secret'

'my teammates kept your secret just fine. your teammates, however-'

'ah, you could not get off with my team unless you were talking about my ass. i am flattered, hollander'

'i couldn't get off at all, actually. whole team had this sad vibe to it. it's hard to be sexy when you haven't made the playoffs since hockey was invented'

'the sad vibe was because they missed me. you see, i was busy marrying sveta in las vegas'

'i know. it was before our divorce officially came through. i've reported you for bigamy and they're gonna revoke your citizenship'

'jesus christ shane'

'sorry was that too much'

'no, is fine. i will hide from immigration with these nice people i have formed a throuple with. you might know them, they are called yuna and david-'

I just think it would be an appropriately unhinged game for hollanov to play, especially if we're in show-verse where they both know ilya is the only man Shane's ever been with, so there's this extra layer of irony where they're kind of going "Wouldn't it be crazy if Shane cheated on Ilya? It would be sOoo crazy. Because it would never happen. Ever." Kind of them spoofing their own virginity and monogamy kinks.

And if they're playing the version where ILYA is the supposed cheater, Shane gets to retroactively have the make-up sex he kind of secretly always thought he deserved every time he saw pics of Ilya stumbling out of clubs with various hot women, except this time Shane gets to feel justified in his jealousy. (Also then Ilya gets to pull the classic fuck boy movie on him to coax him back to bed, which we all know Shane is crazy for)

And of course, all of this is extremely sexy because afterwards they get to revel in how obsessed with each other they are, and reaffirm how they're the only one for each other. My crazy codependent freaks 💕💕💕

The best part about this is I can genuinely imagine it being cathartic for Shane especially. Like yes they've moved past their hookup era and they're committed and married and they've probably had some couple's therapy where they hash this shit out and come out stronger on the other side. But that doesn't mean that Shane isn't able to reach into that well of jealousy from when he was 22 and experiencing the first ghosting of his entire life from the man who fucked him sweetly IN HIS OWN BED. You cannot tell me that he didn't see pictures of Ilya out with women during that whole thing and genuinely think about violence

Catch him telling Ilya to go sit on the porch for fifteen minutes and then when he comes back in the lights are all off and Shane is in one of the swiveling kitchen stools which he then spins around on, uses his phone to turn every light in the kitchen on FUCK YOU brightness and say, "I saw those pictures of you and that girl. Pink hair, Ilya, really?" And Ilya instantly knows exactly which Instagram model Shane is referring to. He hasn't spoken to her in nine years but, also, if you Google 'Ilya Rozanov', to this DAY the fifth or sixth image result is one of him with his tongue in that girl's mouth.

various dentists

hotel housekeeping staff

the kid who works late shifts at the drugstore where Ilya buys condoms (often) and lube (less often)

cleaners and laundry service employees

a kid on vacation with his parents in Vegas bored out of his mind because he's 14 and not allowed in the bars or casinos at their hotel and he's really hitting the grumpy teenager phase so he's pissed at his parents because he wanted to go birdwatching in the desert and instead he's on the hotel roof at night pointing his sick-ass binoculars (which he bought himself with money he earned by mowing their neighbours' lawns for a year) at the surrounding buildings and oh look there's two people making out on that rooftop terrace—wait, isn't that the guy from the Rolex ads?

Janice at the grocery store closest to the Hollander cottages who knows damn well that "David's boy" doesn't eat Nutella

the Voyageurs' nutritionist knows Hollander is fucking someone working for the Bears because he might not log it as sex but even Hollander doesn't actually do extra cardio after a game

employee at an airport phone repair kiosk in Chicago who was checking Ilya’s battery specs when "Jane" texted him "If I win you suck my dick first"

one of the parents at Game Changers Hockey Camp who is a couple's counsellor and a bit too good at her job

Gerry (78) three doors down from the Hollanders who has lived in his house since he was born and has made it his solemn duty to know everything that goes on in his neighbourhood

the owner of the bespoke jeweller's shop once Shane Hollander purchases the second ring, which is identical to the first, and a plain gold chain

and just as importantly that's NOT how ilya is!! its not!!! he's got a natural sleaziness about im that comes from being extremely hot and extremely sexually desirable and extremely skilled and extremely confident. it all coalesces into this ilya who pushes pushes and pushes and when he gets what he wants takes takes and takes

he's persistent about wanting shane and he's consistent in pushing shane's boundaries sometimes. ofc he backs down at times (asg scene where shane's soooo nervous but he's so pliable so he turns over anyways and doesnt say anything until ilya asks) but he is straight up still touching shane's hole the entire time. and afterwards, he rolls over on top of shane, he's pinning shane down. and he's not exactly trying to stop touching shane and breaking contact that may be making shane nervous.