ALMOST THIRTY

I don't usually write posts on this blog about reading, or centred around reading, as I usually just post them to my book blog. However, something came to my attention recently and when I was deciding about addressing it, I thought I would rather post it here than to the reading blog. Why? I'm not entirely sure. I guess it is because, whilst the topic of conversation centres reading and books, the underlying message and tone feels much bigger than that.

I stumbled accidentally (yes, I was doomscrolling) upon a TikTok where an individual was talking about reading and how the book world is encouraging overconsumption. I would like to say that the TikTok itself bares no real relevance to this post or the topic, I am just using it as a jump off point, and that is why I am not mentioning the specific creator. There was nothing really that wrong with their video, they simply had an opinion I didn't agree with, and that's perfectly okay. But back to my opinion on this...

There were many points made within the video in which, on a surface level, I can say that to an extent I would agree with the creator. Where I find there is a little bit of a grey area is that, within reading and the book world, is acknowledging overconsumption the same as say acknowledging overconsumption in the mukbang space, the fashion space or even the maximalist space? As someone who enjoys reading, has an ever-growing book collection and also dabbles with interests in other spaces, I have to say the concrete answer for me is that they do not hold the same weight. And I'll explain why I think this.

For me, owning books and building up a book collection does not count as overconsumption in the same way as some other instances, simply because books typically will be owned for many years (if not forever) and when they do get discarded it's very very very rare an individual will just throw a book in the bin. I have no statistics here but I'd confidently say most discarded books are most likely donated, repurposed and sold on further to new owners. The creator did argue the point of being 'performative' within reading and owning books and sure, I do agree there is probably an element of consumerism within the act of buying books in bulk. Especially because it is possible that a lot of books go unread. But again, this circles back to the previous point I made that books are rarely discarded without care, even from people who have no interest in them.

One point that was raised in the book consumerism debate, (and I have seen this from many different creators), is the idea that we should not be reading purely for pleasure. The original creator did go on to say that they believe we should not be completely cutting out reading for pleasure either. I will never understand this point. Personally I think it is completely fine for people to read purely for pleasure. Reading for a lot of people has an escapism element and I would never want people to feel like they can't just read and move on from a book. Of course they can. Not every book serves to be analysed. Not every book is trying to tell you some deeper meaning or message. If you yourself want to read and analyse every book you pick up, you are free to do that. But that is not the case for every book, and it certainly isn't the case for everyone. In the world we live in today, and the ways in which we are spending our time as a society, I think reading in any capacity should be celebrated and encouraged. Sure there are reading habits that I disagree with, but reading is an individual experience and journey. And the art of reading is completely destroyed when people start policing it.

Circling back to the part of this topic that I mentioned in the title of this post, I guess all of the above points mentioned then contribute to something a lot of people have an opinion about and that is overconsumption. Overconsumption refers to the act of excessively using goods, resources or services beyond what is necessary. The google definition then goes on to explain that overconsumption occurs when the rate outpaces the ability to regenerate resources leading to severe consequences in many areas such as environmentally, socially and economically. Now here for me is the clear split. Not everyone is buying brand new books every week. Not everyone is purchasing new books at all. I follow many creators who I would say over half, maybe even three quarters of the books they read are second hand or from a local library. And this again circles back to previous points I made about how the majority of people are not getting rid of their books, and when they are unhauling they are donating them to charity shops, second hand stores or maybe even passing them onto family members and friends.

One way in which I do agree with the overconsumption idea within reading and the book world, and do think it has an effect, is the idea of bulk buying. This doesn't directly connect to the amount of books we own over time, but instead the amount of books we buy in a single instance. My reasoning for this being a defining factor for me is that I believe this to be the element of the reading world that is encouraging the mass unhauling of unread books. I have been guilty of this myself. I have never unhauled books (in recent years) and I have no plans to do so because, for me, my book collection will live with me for as long as it is possible. But what I have been guilty of over the years is the rate in which I was buying books was larger than the rate I was reading them and then, where I think this becomes an issue for some people is they do not have the want or pull to get around to reading them because the fascination has worn off. I personally have never bought a book for the sake of it. All the books I own are books that I have an interest in reading and therefore I won't be getting rid of them and I will (eventually) get around to reading them. But for the majority of people we do see unhauling books all the time, and I think the issue lies in other areas that are not specific to overconsumption. And instead they fall into what we struggle with as a society nowadays, in many areas other than just reading, which is our attention spans and interests have lowered by the time we get around to reading the books we buy in bulk. And this is why we should be looking at lesser hauls and more conscious choices, in my opinion.

I could go on to write an entire post about how I think we get bored of our books and why this has a bigger impact on the reading and consumption rates of books within the community, but I won't be going into it in this post. Instead I'll probably write a separate post for that on my book blog, because I feel there are elements of that topic in which I myself can be called out. So that is a conversation and topic for another time.

One thing the creator does mention that I whole heartedly do agree with is the fact that your love of books, love of reading and status as a reader is not proven by the amount of books you own. In a recent interview with book content creator Jack Edwards, Stephen Spielberg said that even though a lot of his films are adapted from books and inspired by prewritten stories, he himself is not a big reader. Of course, he has his own reasons for that but the point I am trying to make here is the fact that, him stating the fact he isn't a big reader doesn't take away from his reading that he does take part in, and it certainly doesn't take away from the fact he is able to adapt stories for the big screen very well. I'm sure we can all agree on that.

I think fear comes pretty naturally to most people as an adult. I know it certainly comes to me pretty easily these days. Especially in this day and age of constant exposure, responsibilities and screen times. Our social awareness as adults makes the world a lot more scarier than when we were children and therefore, naturally and a lot of times without real cause, our fears grow alongside our ages. And that has happened for me, many times. I do think sometimes it has happened simply because I have outgrown certain stages of my life, and that is completely okay. That happens. But overall, sometimes I have left things unfinished because I was scared. And hey, sometimes I've not even started because I felt fear.

But... you never know until you try, right? And one of my favourite sayings I have always tried to live by is that 'you haven't failed until you quit trying'... Now I wouldn't necessarily say that I fear failure, because I don't. I am very big on acknowledging the fact that, even if something didn't work out, I gave it a go anyway. So what is my fear actually based on? Well, I think it comes from the unknown and the idea that actually I am unsure of what I am doing in certain situations and therefore it feels daunting to me because, whilst I am not scared of failing, I am scared of doing something wrong. There is an entire deeper psychological based conversation to be had there but that's not what this post is. Instead I am talking about this topic today at the very surface level.

When I was younger (around 3 years old) my nannan wanted me and my older brother to learn to swim. My extended family had had an unfortunate experience with a relative of mine, and my nannan herself couldn't swim, so she was very certain that for us it was going to be something we would learn to do. And the short version of this story is that, we did learn to swim and all is well. But the reason I am bringing up learning to swim is because my experience of learning to swim gives (in my opinion) a perfect analogy of what I am trying to describe with not having fear of the unknown as a child, but it being one of my biggest as an adult.

When my nannan took me and my brother to the local swimming baths to sign up to learn how to swim, the lady said the swimming baths only accepted children over the age of 5 as they liked them to be more established with water before coming to group sessions. I was three, my brother was eight. I was devastated. And the lady could see that. So she told my nannan to bring me back the following week and she would see how I got on in the water and go from there. My nannan took me home, gave me a pep talk about how if the lifeguard thought I was scared she wouldn't let me start swimming lessons and I just had to be brave. I returned the following week to see if I was eligible to start learning to swim.

At the local swimming baths there were two pools: the big pool and the little pool. Even though my local swimming baths closed many many years ago and I also hadn't been for a long time, I can still picture that pool so well. I can see it very vividly. I can see the steps down from the big pool area to the little pool area, I can see the plastic chairs for parents around the edge of the room and I can see the metal steps down into the pool too. Which is funny because 3 year old me didn't see them at all. Instead when the lady asked me to get into the pool I just threw myself off the side with no prior experience or anything. And no fear. I was literally jumping into the unknown with nothing stopping me and yet I wasn't scared. And look what happened. I learnt to swim. I was accepted into swimming lessons two years earlier than everyone else and was the youngest in my swimming group by two whole years. But I achieved the main goal. They let me sign up early.

My swimming journey does have a few more elements to it including heartbreak and regret but those might be stories for some other time.

Now when I am thinking about trying something new and I feel fear because it's all very new and unknown I remind myself of little me. The girl who probably was scared deep down, but never showed it. And the girl who learnt. And that's the key here. Jumping into the pool didn't come with instant knowledge of being able to swim. I still had to learn and be taught. But what it did do is give me the building blocks to start that journey. And that's how I try to look at things in life now. You won't necessarily know everything to begin with, but you have to try and you have to get it started before you will even know. And trying is much more courageous and impressive than just straight up saying you couldn't do it.

May was definitely a much slower month for watching things and getting around to sitting contently to watch a film or tv show. Having said that, funnily enough the watching I did do in the month of May was a little different from my other months that I have had previously, in that the prominent watching I did was all documentary based.

I did do watching outside of these things too but they are just general stuff that I don't document, like the soaps or reality TV. But here are the ones I want to share:

We love The Royle Family Documentary (⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐) This documentary actually was released years ago in 2006 (I believe) and features many celebrities speaking about the sitcom 'The Royle Family'. The show, I have loved for many years now and recently bought the entire boxset in physical form to add to my growing collection. It's so basic and yet so good all at the same time, and in a lot of ways (I'm kind of wincing to admit) pretty relatable for many families. It's fun too to hear other peoples views of the show as well. Really enjoyed it, and like that it's part of the boxset.

It's not everyday you get around to giving yourself a little update. But lately, I did. Not intentionally I might add but a friend mentioned getting piercings and all I had to say to that was 'lets go girl'. (I didn't actually say that but it fit here really well.) What I did do was agree to go and hold her hand while she got a piercing done and then walked out with a piercing of my own. (I should also point out I wasn't physically holding her hand.)

To date I have had over twenty piercings. Do I wear all of them? No. I don't. But if there is one thing I can say its that I have enjoyed the trial of having all of them. Some worked a little better for me and others simply were nightmare but overall, it's always been a fun carefree way to change things up from time to time. Now I guess I am a little naive with my approach because the way I see it is that if it doesn't work I can just take it out. But I guess there is a little more to it than that. (But this post isn't a lecture post so I won't be going into all of that.)

When me and my friend were walking to the piercing shop, she turned to me and said that she felt like she was getting a new piercing because she fancied a change. In fact, she actually said it was sort of like a system update. And I couldn't agree with her more. We both came to the agreement within our conversation that, typically with changes to our appearance we often use the label "identity crisis". But who is in a crisis here? Not her. And certainly not me. I feel like this past year, I have been the most me I have ever been. I am comfortable and content more than I could ever imagine. So I have to say the system update label works a hell of a lot more than the identity crisis one.

I ended up getting two stacked lobe piercings on my left ear. I had no intentions of getting two piercings. Heck, I didn't even intend on getting one. But here we are. I am so pleased with them and they add a little more jazz and sparkle to my little lobe. To be fair, my earlobes probably aren't that little but considering I already have 4 lobe piercings in my left ear, the space I do have for piercings is getting pretty tight. Obviously I have not had the piercings for long (only 24 hours) so I cannot speak on the healing and afterward but as someone with numerous lobe piercings, and a lot of piercing experience generally, I am foreseeing a smooth sail with these guys, (Please cross your fingers...) and when they are completely healed, I do plan to get them changed out for some fancy little jewels that will go perfectly with my everyday stack of earrings.

As I sit in my room on a cool June evening, with rain pouring outside the window (like where the heck is summer? and I don't even like the heat) I can't help but join the many other - I'm guessing - THOUSANDS of people who are scrolling the internet seeing Dua Lipa and Callum Turners wedding ceremony. Now I believe the actual ceremony is set to be a private occasion, and other than the posts I have seen floating around the web, I don't actually know that much about the wedding details. And good... because it's none of my business. That being said, I am very happy that they seem to be having their perfect, romantic wedding that I feel fits perfectly with what us "normies" and outsiders have come to learn about them both as people, a couple and their relationship over the course of the time it has blossomed in front of us.

But if there is one thing I have come to learn about Dua Lipa over the years, particularly in the more recent ones, it's that she truly is the woman who seems to have it all. It's a well known fact that anyone who follows her on social media seems to gain this jealousy for her life that she is living, even if we try not to have that. And don't get me wrong, the jealousy is not toxic. It is not the kind that causes an individual to start to hate the person they are seeing, but rather it's the type of jealousy that makes us wish we had what the other has, in a way that makes us happy and pleased for the person experiencing it.

Now I feel like it's obvious but important to point out that a lot of Dua's lifestyle, in my opinion, is thanks to the fact she is a pop star. A title she has rightly earned, also in my opinion. And I don't think I would be incorrect to say that it would not look quite the same if she was working a 9-5 office job throughout the week. That's not to say that she couldn't go on nice vacations, read books and have the perfect partner because those things would all still be completely possible. But they probably wouldn't be in the amount she has them now.

Having said this, as a 9-5 girl, who likes to read and is very happily single, I cannot help but sit here looking at Dua Lipa's life and not want to be her. I want what she has. And you may read that and think 'well now you are contradicting what you just said previously.' but let me explain... I want what Dua Lipa has. And what I think that is is... a lifestyle where you are content with what you have, and are not chasing something other than what you have created for yourself. Never have I seen a post from Dua Lipa where I have thought it didn't feel authentic to who she seems to be as a person. And I truly think that is the Dua Lipa trait we should all be chasing. And that we can all achieve within our own lives. And sure it won't look exactly like hers but we can make it ours.

I think this is actually something I have tried to implement for myself for the past few years. In all honesty it wasn't because of Dua but, I just felt both topics sort of fit together for me to write about. There came a point in the past few years where I had a conversation with myself where I said that I was not going to chase a life I thought I wanted, instead I was going to turn the life I had into something I was happy with and content within. I never want to wake up in a morning thinking I am unhappy with the life I have to live every single day. Because that for me is the root of all sadness. And that is the type of life that breaks me.

Instead I want to feel like I am living a life I am content within. It has its bad days, its sad days and its boring days but generally, it's a life I enjoy living. And I also think something else that has helped with this is the habit of romanticising my life. Even the small things like making breakfast or taking a walk. And I know for some people that is trivial and not something they can relate to but, I can honestly say for myself, it has made me feel completely differently about my very average life. And I am pretty happy within it, for it. It is realistic to think that there is a limit to the life we each live. But living within those limits doesn't have to feel like they are a barrier. Instead they are a hurdle. They can be overcome with just a simple change of perspective. And sure it's cliche but sometimes it's the cliche that gets you through the day.

I wrote my first curriculum post last month, as a way of highlighting to myself the things that I was interested in giving my attention to. This is particularly helpful as someone who has many hobbies and interests. And this is my curriculum for June.

📖 Reading -

The Martian by Andy Weir I was really on the Project Hail Mary hype, and I am definitely willing to give The Martian a chance too. I am a lover of space and space related things so I feel like I will have fun reading it but, I am definitely curious either way to see what this book has to offer.

📺 Watching -

Toy Story 5 Of course. Of course I will be watching Toy Story 5 when it comes out later this month. I have the first 4 films in my physical media collection so maybe I need to do a little movie marathon on the lead up to going and watching the film.

🖊️ Learning -

Polymer Clay I'm not actually sure if I will get around to actually making things with clay this month, but I would at least like to have a go at understanding it as this is something I would like to give a go in the future and try to make things with creatively.

🎨 Creating -

Floral sketchbook pages I feel like I am slowly understanding the style of art I like to look at, and how I would like to create something similar. I recently saw these sketchbook pages of floral designs on Pinterest, and would like to give them a go myself and adapt them to what I think I myself can create.

👾 Other -

Sudoku puzzles I haven't done any Sudoku puzzles in a while, and these are one of my favourite puzzles so I really would like to get back into trying them and having a puzzle book on the go with me whenever I get a chance.

Dear Twinni,

Another letter for you. We are starting to get a few of these now, and I am enjoying writing to you so much. I went out today and called to show some things to the other humans. As you do, you sneaked up behind me. I'm assuming you had been upstairs somewhere when I got there but you heard my voice and came to see. I love that about you: you respond to the sound of my voice. If that's not a non-verbal sign of love, then what is?

It came up on my phone today that it is actually 5 years ago that the lady on the next estate put a collar on you. We didn't know if the collar was one from your original owner or what, so we had to find out. We attached a note to it and off you went back outside. And to our surprise, we got a note back. The lady wasn't your original owner, and she put the collar on you to see if anyone would respond saying you had a home. At this point you had been living with us for around a year so if anyone had a right to claim you, it was us. So that's what I did. I got you scanned for a microchip (you didn't have one), I put your picture on our local page (no one came forward to say they recognised you) and so the vet said I could keep you. And that was when you officially became mine. It's crazy how quickly those 5 years have passed. Not to mention, it's funny seeing you in those pictures from that day, because at the time you only had one slit in one ear. And now I am so used to seeing your ears all marked up.

It also brings back the memory that, when you came back with the collar on, you had been gone a few days. I thought you might have gone home to your original owners and I certainly didn't want to think of anything bad that might have happened. Turns out, the lady had closed you in her house. And then proceeded to put the collar on you to see if you had an owner. But as soon as she let you out, you came back. Back here. Back home. I was actually on my way to the vets to see if anyone had said they had found you, or had handed you in and you were on your way on the street. You appeared, in your new collar.... And this is where our story circles back to us writing the note and attaching it to the collar, to see where you had been and who had put the collar on you.

And although you are still very much a social butterfly, you have tamed your adventures a bit. You definitely stay within hearing distance now. But it does make me think, you would love an adventure. If I put a harness on you and let you come with me, you would gladly go. I just don't want to encourage your sense of wander too much, especially now we have calmed it down significantly.

But it leaves me to say, thank you Twinni. Thank you for always coming back. Thank you for choosing me.

love your human x

Monthly curriculums have been on my radar for a little while now, but I never saw the reasoning or purpose behind me personally having one. That is until recently. In the aftermath of loosing our family dog, I started to feel the pull and urge to get back into my hobbies and the things that I feel get neglected from time to time, when life gets a little busier than expected. And that's where the monthly curriculum comes in.

Each month I am going to make one of these posts to emphasise the things that I want to focus on each month and that I would like to achieve. Now... I am going to be splitting my monthly curriculums into categories: reading, watching, learning and creating. I will also sometimes feature a 'other' category for anything that doesn't fit under those mentioned. And within each of these categories I am going to be picking out one particular thing that I would like to focus on for the month. However, my month is not limited to one. Sometimes there will be numerous things within each category, however I am not wanting this to start feeling like a task rather than fun and that is why the emphasis, generally, is on one individual thing.

I do also have a few other blogs that you can see these things in more focus and I will link those at the bottom of this post.

📖 Reading -

The Daisy Chain Flower Shop by Laurie Gilmore It is my understanding that this book, the sixth in the Dream Harbour series, is to be published in the month of May. I do not have a copy of this book yet but as soon as it is out, I will be getting my hands on it and reading it.

📺 Watching -

Shrek They are bringing the original Shrek film back to the cinema for the 25th anniversary of its original release and, I am really excited to go and see it when it comes out. Obviously I have already seen the film many times, but watching it in the cinema will be such a fun experience.

🖊️ Learning -

Swedish I fell off recently with my language learning but I would like to get back to doing more of it and Swedish is a language I have wanted to learn for a long time. I feel a little advantage with the fact I learnt German in school, and the language seems to follow some similar patterns but, I would like to try and get more of the language under my belt this month.

🎨 Creating -

Sketchbook pages It took me a long time to understand that I do not have to have an art style when art is only a hobby. But now that I am learning and understanding that better in my perfectionist brain, I feel I am ready to get back to art just for fun. And I'd like to start by filling more of my sketchbook.

👾 Other -

Stardew Valley I bought this game for my Nintendo Switch not too long ago and haven't gotten round to starting playing it yet. I'd like to give it a go this month and I am hoping it will be something I can just fall in and out of as I get more into the game.

April was hopefully going to be a good month of film and TV watching but, unfortunately we sadly lost our family dog at the beginning of the month, which meant my want to watch things went out the window and my concentration for them was none existent.

I did get some watching done however, and this is everything I have to say about them...

Toy Story (⭐⭐⭐⭐) I forgot how much I loved the original Toy Story film until I watched it again recently. I am trying to rewatch the first 4 films before the release of the 5th film in the summer. And I think this has to be one of the best starts to a franchise ever.

The Shawshank Redemption (⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️) This film was showing in April at the cinema for a retro movie evening and I knew I had to go and see this film on the big screen. I have only seen it once prior to this when I was studying film, but I was not disappointed. When the climax of the film happens and everything starts to come together, the feeling of experiencing that in the cinema could not be beat.

My last post that I wrote on this blog was a letter hybrid to our family dog, Mollie, who passed away at the beginning of April. That post, which you can read here, detailed our time with her and what she meant to us. It also mentioned some memories I have of her and how I think I am going to feel now she is no longer here. Our house has felt so empty without her and it's a feeling I simply cannot put into words. Some of you reading this will know exactly what I am talking about, and will have experienced it for yourselves. But to others, it cannot be explained to its full extent. There is no feeling like it.

Grieving for the dog has felt in some ways different to grieving humans we lose, and in some ways it feels exactly the same. There are days where I feel like it was only yesterday I last saw her, and other days it feels like a million moons ago. But one thing never changes and that is how much I miss her. And to be honest, I miss her company more than anything. Writing, creating, reading and the rest of it just feel so lonely without her company while I do them. And I will continue to do them. But the loneliness of them right now is so prominent. On the flip side of this, life goes on and there are days I still expect her to be here when I get home. But that will never happen again.

The knock on effect of the grieving process is that every single aspect of your daily life gets a hit itself. My reading routine has been none existent, I haven't had the energy to watch any DVD's and my free time has been completely empty. But that's exactly how I have wanted it to be. And sure, every moment I have wanted to pick my book up or watch something, but my focus has simply not been there at all for me to do any of these things. And I do think you have to allow yourself the time to do that. The time to just sit in the silence and be with your feelings at the time.

It does mean that April feels like it was a none existent month. Like I have nothing to say about it other than the fact the dog sadly left us. But one thing I can say her memory has given me, is determination. Determination with all these hobbies I have accumilated over time, and continue to accumulate along the way. Because whilst there is never going to be another dog friend like her, the one thing that will always be with me is the company she so loyally gave me, every time I sat down to do something. And for that, I'll pick up my hobbies and interests and I'll enjoy every single second of them. For her, as much as for myself.

Not too long ago I introduced to this blog, and my physical journalling ecosystem, 'letters to Twinni' in which I started writing letters to my cat about him, myself, our memories and things going on in the world that I would like to tell him about, if I could. This idea came from another creator who said she wrote letters to her dog, and I just really liked the idea for many different reasons, so decided to take it for myself too. I spoke more about this in my first post regarding the idea of the letters.

One of the main agreements I had as to why the letters should exist, is the fact our pets won't always be here. They won't live to see our entire lives, but in the majority of cases, we live to see all of theirs. And all we can hope for is that we give them the best lives we can provide. And they love us unconditionally for it. And that is very true of today's post. A sort of hybrid between a typical written post and a letter.

Mollie, our 11 year old German Shepard, passed away in the early hours of Wednesday (8th April) morning. She would have turned 12 in June.

I've come back to this letter many times. And it's never been finished. I think finishing it feels final. It sort of seals in the fact that she is gone. That she is no longer here. And even though I am a grown adult, I know what the process of losing a loved one is, I still expect her to be here. I still expect her to be on the other side of the front door when I come home. I still expect her to bark in the window at the dog across the road. I still expect to hear her claws pacing around on the wooden floors of our house. But those things aren't reality anymore. And she is no longer there. These things exist now only in my memory, and the memory of my family. And that's where they will stay and live forever.

We had Mollie pretty much her entire life. I can still remember that first day she came home. What would have been 12 years ago this year. She was tiny. She would follow my sister everywhere and wouldn't leave her side. When she laid on the kitchen floor, she was small enough to fit inside of one square tile. (And by the time of her passing, she filled around 5 kitchen floor tiles at any one time). I was 18 years old when Mollie came to live with us, and this year I am turning 30. We both saw each other grow and we experienced a few different milestones together, both of each other and externally too.

Even now as I sit at the table next to her bed, I'm struggling to articulate the things I want to say and share about her. I know exactly what it is I want to talk about and I have so many memories of her flowing around in my mind. But I'm struggling for the words. I think this comes from a mix of things, the main one being that I don't actually want to admit she is gone. And as I said previously, this post feels final. It's a sort of acceptance of the reality of her no longer being here.

If there is one thing that me and Moofy (that's what we called her most of the time) shared a lot over the years, it's sausage rolls. This tradition came from the first time I brought one home and left it on the kitchen counter whilst I took off my coat. I returned a few moments later and the sausage roll was nowhere to be found. Instead there was just an empty paper bag on the floor, and a guilty looking German Shepard licking her lips. She was only a few years old at that time, and I couldn't be completely mad at her for it because it actually was kind of funny. (And pretty smart of her really). Instead it started the routine of me sharing my sausage roll with her whenever I bought one. (And by sharing I mean that she ate the meat and I ate the pastry).

Another personality trait that she never truly grew out of was her clumsiness. She would bump into things and even walk into the walls, especially when she was giddy and excited. It was like her body was moving around the house too quickly, and her mind didn't have chance to catch up and tell her to slow down before running into the wall. The day after she passed a robin was sitting on the garden fence. It was so peaceful. And I was stood watching it through the window. I'm not sure what made me do this but I stood looking at the bird and said out loud "If that is you Moo, show me", because as the saying goes "Robins appear when loved ones are near"... A couple moments passed and the robin set off to fly away but instead it flew into the net of next doors trampoline, and had to detour back onto the fence. (The robin wasn't hurt and was completely fine!) But it didn't see the trampoline, just like Moofy didn't see the walls in our house.

There have been a few other moments that have given me a little bit of comfort since she passed. I'm not big on scrolling on my phone when I first wake up but, two days after she passed I was laid in bed when I first woke up, scrolling on TikTok. The first video to come up on my for you page was a video of a cat being introduced to the new dog its owners had rescued. The video started with the cat (you couldn't see the dog) and as a self confessed cat lady I was interested to see how this duo interacted. The camera panned around and to my surprise was a German Shepard. Usually you look and recognise the similarities with the breed being the same, but this particular one looked exactly like Moofy. It was even wearing a pink collar in a couple of the videos in this compilation I saw of it meeting the cat. It just felt so strange of how similar this dog looked to Mollie. And I think I had definitely discovered Mollie's twin.

As I come to publish this, it's two weeks since Mollie was last here. And how that time has flown. On the day she left us, I said to my mum that now she was no longer here, the almost twelve years we had her as part of our family felt like they had gone by in the click of my fingers. It feels like I blinked and all that time had passed and was now gone. I do get a feeling of warmth when I think about how friends have also taken and reacted to her passing. A couple friends bought us a German Shepard stuffed teddy and a card to say 'sorry for our loss' and another bought a little ornament to celebrate her life and what she meant to us. And I feel she meant something to these people too, because she was truly special.

Owning a dog like Mollie really made me realise that, sometimes, even giants can be gentle. And sometimes girls are just girls. She used to wear a pink collar with a bow on it, and whenever I was sat writing posts for this blog or reading she would be sat at the side of me. I used to call us 'the pink ladies' because of her pink collar and my pink dressing gown. And although she was technically my sisters dog, she was sort of a hybrid between hers and the families. And collectively we all cared for her and she knew who she liked depending on what exactly it was she was wanting. (Mollie really liked the fact I don't really eat meat, as you can imagine, meaning she got plenty of left overs at dinner time) and I feel like for our own individualities and personalities, we just understood each other.

There are still days when I open the door expecting her to be waiting. There are still days when I leave a bit of food on my plate because she might want to eat it. I still look at the dog toys in the supermarket to see which ones she would like. I still look out of the living room window to see if the neighbours dog across the street is still waiting for her. I see her in every rainbow and every sunset. I still look at her pink collar with its bow and her picture at the side of my bed. And I still wish she could come back.

But wherever you are now Moofy, I hope there are plenty of sausage rolls for you. X

I've wanted to talk online a little more about my experiences with visual media for a little while now. Offline, I keep a physical watch journal for everything I watch in the year. And it doesn't make sense for me to join a platform like Letterboxd, because I don't consume the film genre that often (even though there is no schedule to when you need to watch or update) and, it feels like a platform I would create and then abandon because I'm not engaging with it regularly enough for my brain to see it's importance.

So I thought I'd bring them to this blog instead. Monthly roundups of everything I've watched within the month. And a little summary of my thoughts and feelings about each one. Because... I mean... the purpose of this blog is romanticising and what's more romantic than a couple hours in front of the screen watching something play out before our eyes, right?

Hoppers (⭐⭐⭐⭐) This was the first thing I watched in March and oh gosh, was it a fun one. A brand new Pixar film to add to the collection of films by them I like. I went with my younger cousin and it was just the two of us girls enjoying a family friendly fun film. She loved it, I loved it. I wrote a diary entry post (read it HERE) about my evening going to see this film. The only thing stopping me giving it 5 stars is the fact I didn't feel the gut wrenching feeling I usually have with a Pixar film but generally, I (both of us) really enjoyed it.

Bean: The ultimate disaster movie (⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐) 5 stars and the rest. One of my all time favourite movies. I don't think any film could ever top this one for me. I used to have this on recorded video when I was younger, and now it's in my physical DVD collection. It's honestly the most treasured one I own. I could write an entire post and full review of this movie alone and what I love about it and why I think other people should watch it etc. Not only is it a good film but it also has, in my opinion, one of the best and well thought out soundtracks of any film I've watched. Mr Bean: Mad Pianos is honestly one of my favourite pieces of music to ever exist and that scene alone will get a standing ovation from me until the end of time.

Sex and the city: season one (⭐⭐⭐) I started my rewatch of the entire Sex and the City seasons because I felt like, even though I have watched the episodes before, my watch experience has always been very cut up and all over the place. So I started right from the beginning and got the first season finished in the month of March. I've always known I didn't like the earlier episodes as much as more recent ones, but it was fun to watch the first season collectively and in order for once.

Dear Twinni,

Here it is... my first official letter to you. I have these letters in a physical journal and this blog. And whilst the context of the letters are the same, the writing is different. The letters in the journal are personal and private, whereas these online versions are creative and a way of expressing and showing the world all about you.

Don't ever change, Twinni. I love that no matter what, you never lose your social spark. You love people. You have so much love to give. And you show that through the multiple head-boops you give on the daily. I've started a little family joke about the fact that you like to get in everyone's faces and it's because I am always in your face, encouraging a head-boop and kissing right in between those tiny damaged ears. A picture perfect for this moment is the one taken on my digicam of me in the orange jumper and me snuggling the side of your face. It's the perfect example of me being in your face, and how it's encouraging you to do the same to the ones you want to show love and affection to. And I guess that also relates to the nature of these letters: I'm writing them to show my love even though you can't read them, and you head-boop to show your love because you can't tell us that's how you feel.

And actually before getting into writing letters to you in real time, Twinni, there is a little past memory I'd like to take the opportunity to relive with you for a moment. It's one of my favourites. And it really sums up what I tell people about you, and the way that I want people to know you and think about you for the rest of time.

Back on my birthday that recently passed, I held a garden party. You were there. Being the social butterfly that you typically are but, you also have your limits. Not to mention it was pretty sunny and you are like your owner, and can only tolerate the sun for so long. Taylor was also there. She has always gravitated towards you. I think it's because you understand her and her intentions. You understand she is small, can be loud but has no bad meaning. And she is learning your preferences too. She loves stroking you, and you are always so patient with her. I do tell her not to chase you and she listens. I tell her to crouch down and hold out her hand, and you would understand that that means she wants to stroke you. You come to her. Of course you do. She is being calm, and you are going to get attention from someone. It's the perfect scenario for you, Twinni.

After a little while, she gets distracted, picking the daisies from the grass, that have been growing throughout spring and summer in our garden. And you being your typical self, don't walk away to find your own space and relax. Not at all. Instead you follow her in every step she takes around the garden picking the daisies. Every step she takes, you also take one too. And every time she stops to pick a daisy, you wait patiently at the side of her.

And it's these types of moments I want to be able to keep forever. To have of you forever. Because I cherish that particular moment, and I replay it in my mind all the time. And now I can have a physical version of it too. Both here and the written letters in the journal, can keep hold of it for me to look back on, and share with others too. And even though it happened months ago, I wanted it documented. Because even though I like to think it lives with me forever, not everything does. And I never want to give it the chance to go unnoticed.

Never change!

love always, your human x

When I was in Junior school, around 9/10 years old, we did a class activity where we each took it in turns, to take home this 'class mascot' we had (which was just a teddy bear) and it would spend 24 hours at home with us. We also brought home with it a notebook in which we would all write down whatever it was the bear got up to in its 24 hours outside of the school gates. By the end of the month, the bear would have been on 30 odd different 24 hour adventures, all documented within it's own little journal, that our teacher would look at and read out to the class to say what the bear had done. And there were no expectations. If the bear had been taken home and all that happened was it had chicken nuggets for tea and watched an episode of Scooby Doo, that was completely fine. You didn't have to make up anything extravagant. And this memory has become more prominent to me recently as I have gotten back into journalling, and writing has taken more of a priority role in my daily routine.

I recently saw on TikTok a video of a creator talking through their own personal journalling ecosystem. She ran through her different journals and how she uses them for her own schedule. But there was one of her journals that stood out to me in particular and it was something I had never really heard of before, but I knew resonated with me on a few levels. Now on the surface there was nothing particularly special about this journal. She wrote about her day-to-day happenings and documented them in this notebook. So what was it that made it different and unique? I guess it was the fact that all of the entries within this journal were all addressed to her dog. And I thought that was so special.

Now, anyone reading this who is not either an animal person, owns a pet or has a creative bone in their body might not fully understand the impact of something of this kind. The idea of writing about your day (or whatever it is you want to write about) and having it addressed to someone who is not human, opens the doors for what exactly it is you are going to write and talk about. Because how are you going to explain what you did, to someone who actually can't understand and comprehend that? And that made me think about trying this myself. And that is how the idea of 'Dear Twinni' came about. (At this current moment I can't decide whether to go with 'dear Twinni' or 'letters to Twinni')

Anyone who knows me knows that I am absolutely, utterly, with every fibre of my being, obsessed with my cat, Twinni. I love him. I adore him. And I like to think he feels the same about me too. I got Twinni around six years ago when I found him sleeping in our garage. I tried to track down his owners and where he had come from but had no luck (which was fortunate to myself) because that meant he could be registered to me, and I could be his new owner. And I have been that now for almost six years. I don't know anything about Twinni before he found me (because he did... He found me...) but the vets predicted he would have been around four years old when I took him in. So this year he will be turning ten years old. And we will be celebrating six years of being human and animal friend. And this made me want to try writing my own posts and letters addressed to Twinni. Now obviously he won't read them (because he doesn't have a Tumblr account) but I'm going to write and publish letters here that if I could write to him and he could see it, this is what I would say to him.

As I am writing this post you are reading now, it's actually a period of time before it's published. I'm writing this to hold myself to trying something new, but it won't be published until I know that this is something I am sticking to. So when you see this, the letters to Twinni will be on their way. I also know not everyone will get on board with this idea. But within this online diary, I have been looking for a way to do some more creative style writing and expand outside of just writing journal entries about me to me (and whoever else stumbles across them), instead these letters are going to be my way of telling Twinni about the world around him, even though he can't understand it.

This for me circles back to the class teddy bear. Talking about something that is inanimate has a similar feel to talking to something that can't understand. The possibilities are endless, and the task at hand becomes exactly what you want it to be. And who's to say how it should be done when it's so unique to the individual? At this moment I don't know what exactly it is I want to write to Twinni in these letters. Am I going to write about Twinni himself? What he did? Or am I going to write about me to him? Or am I going to write about the world and what I would tell him about it? I'm unsure. And I guess in a sense the letters will just write themselves. And they will probably be a variety of different things.

I suppose the main takeaway for me, both for my own writings and what I heard from the original creator is that, Twinni won't always be here. (Which makes me incredibly sad to think about) so with this I get to have memories of him that I can keep forever. This has also made me think that I will probably keep physical versions of these letters too because, social media doesn't last forever either. But I can keep the little journal alive for as long as possible, filled with all these incredible times I spent with Twinni. And I can share ones on here too in which I can express and practice my writing more, in a way that is not just writing about my day (even though I do enjoy writing the diary entries and will continue to do so). I'm not sure how many of the letters I will share on here, it might be the odd one from the journal, it might be all of them, I'm undecided. But the ones I do share will all be tagged under 'letters to twinni' if you are interested in reading them going forward. And like I said before, they are a way to practice more creative writing and something that makes me think outside of the box a little bit, so some of the letters written won't be accurate to the personal ones found within the physical journal.

:)

Something that has become more prominent to me during my (what I am trying to keep as limited) social media scrolls is the app, Letterboxd. I think this has come about due to the much anticipated release of Project Hail Mary recently and the number of people talking about it, and my own want to go and see the film. By watching peoples fan edits (or should I say bookmarking them so I don't ruin the film for myself) I've been exposed to more and more people who make content surrounding film and their watch histories. This has been pretty interesting for me because this year I told myself as one of my resolutions, I wanted to make more of a conscious effort to watch more film/TV/live shows etc.

But for me, Letterboxd does not have the full appeal. Why? Because as far as I am aware the app is for film and my watch time is not purely dedicated to the film genre. So lately I have been keeping a physical watch journal, in which I document everything I have been watching in the year. It's been amazing so far and I am really enjoying watching it coming together as the year progresses. But back to Letterboxd. When I had been watching more and more of these creators, and more and more videos have been coming up on my for you pages, I picked up on something I believe is the 'Letterboxd Top 4' in which each creator can show what their top 4 movies are of all time. And it got me thinking, what would make it into my own top 4?

Now I am not actually aware of what films are and aren't on the app. I am also pretty certain that if I was to separate this top 4 into different categories, the movies within would look completely different. And choosing a top 4 feels like a lot of pressure. I can already tell that whilst I am choosing the ones that I think would make it, I am feeling guilty for the ones that don't. And I am also very certain that with time, the top 4 would change as new films are released over time but, if I had to choose right now in this moment, these would be my Letterboxd top 4:

Mr Bean: The Ultimate Disaster Movie 1997, Mel Smith This is probably my most favourite film of all time. I love it. I would give anything to go back and watch it for the first time ever, again. But even though that's not possible, I still enjoy it so much every single time I watch it. It continues to have the same magic that it has always had for me.

Chicken Run 2000, Nick Park and Peter Lord I did one of my university essays about this film. It's again such a feel good film from my childhood and one that continues to stand the test of time for me. I associate this film with Christmas because it always used to be showing on the TV in the week between Christmas and New Year, when we used to go a see family.

Titanic 1997, James Cameron I was conflicted on this one being in the top 4 because whilst it is one of my favourite films, there are so many more that were very close contenders. The reason this one topped it is simply because, its one of the films that no matter how many times I watch it and, even though I know how it ends and what happens, it still gives me goosebumps. I think this might hold the record for film that gave me goosebumps the most times throughout.

Jurassic Park 1993, Steven Spielberg I had to include a classic film on the list. And I think this one tops it for me. Even though this film is starting to get to the point of being classified as an 'older' film, it still stands the test of time for me. And even though these days, so much more can be done with special effects and CGI etc. I don't think many film moments top that first viewing of the dinosaurs.

You know it's going to be a good day when the sun is out, there's a sense of calm in the air, and you can actually be bothered to make an effort with your appearance. Okay, the appearance one serves no purpose to anyone but myself (and I mean that literally! No one outside cares what you look like!) but it's nice when you want to make an effort and you feel good about it. And something I want to do this year is make more of an effort to stray away from my go-to outfits when I'm going out. Like, wear the wardrobe girl, you collected it, show it off to the world. And what better day to go for a coffee with a friend than one with the sun out and some personal confidence?

As I approach thirty (and beyond) I realise how much I truly appreciate having days to make these minimal but lovely plans with friends. One of my favourite things is to take a stroll in the sun, grab a coffee and have a good old catch up. And this day was no different. When I met up with my friend we did have a little giggle about the fact that we were so juxtaposed against each other (me in a bright outfit and her in a all black outfit) and how that was selected against the weather too. It doesn't happen very often. An all black outfit is a comfort zone for me too, but I have so much colour in my wardrobe and I want to explore it more, and take it out too. The street is my runway this year and I am going to utilise it.

As we entered the cafe for a coffee and a little sweet treat, we started to chat and talk the day away. There is nothing nicer than it feeling so easy to be in someone's company and to feel at ease with them. One of my comfort smells(?) has to be the smell of fresh coffee in a coffee shop. I'm not actually much of a coffee drinker, but it really does bring me comfort and has to be on the list for one of my favourites. Sitting down at the table I was instantly drawn to the cakes on display. Six different options of fruit, chocolate and cream. I already knew which one I had my eyes on... What looked to be a fresh cream sponge with strawberry jam on top. It wasn't. In fact all the elements of what I thought this cake was were all completely different in reality, and were not to my taste but the visual aesthetics were there for sure. I don't know what it says about me but I couldn't leave the cake on the table, which would have gave the impression to the owner that I didn't enjoy the cake. (This is a small business keep in mind, and there was nothing wrong with the confectionary itself, it was definitely a personal taste issue. And I already sort of knew this because... I don't like jam. So I already knew it wouldn't be completely to my taste). So I asked to take it away with me. I didn't leave the uneaten part behind for them to clear up. I also didn't eat it. I placed it in one of the bins on the high street but they won't know that and there day continued without having to question why the cake was uneaten. Right?

The next stop on our little outing was for food. (Why we thought it made sense to go for coffee and cake before food, especially when neither of us had eaten prior I'm not sure) Again, it was just a small bite to eat and something simple. But the memory of this comes back to previous points I have made in other posts, and the new purpose of this blog as a whole, because whilst the food was simple and the food place was nothing special, the company was great and the atmosphere even better. When we sat down at one of the many empty tables, because the rest of the dinner time goers had decided to sit outside in the glorious sunshine, we noticed that the table in the corner closest to where we were sat were celebrating a birthday. And not just any birthday but a 90th birthday. A group of around 8 men had made the time and effort to come out to celebrate their friend turning 90 years old.

This felt pretty significant because not only is 90 a huge milestone, but me and this friend had been talking about the fact I turn 30 this year, and Twinni will be turning 10 this year too. It felt like a come together of a whole lot of significant eras. The different stages merging within the atmosphere and what the significance of that actually is. These milestones will keep coming, and going, but they are always present. If not with ourselves then with others. And these milestones aren't just limited to birthdays they can be anything and anywhere. There is a certain comfort that has come with accepting the turning thirty milestone, because whilst nothing has really changed in my life, I have lost that fear of feeling like I'm running out of time, and that fear that I should have found my true calling by now. And this was something else me and my friend spoke about. It's like turning thirty has gotten rid of all the doom I felt in my twenties about feeling like I had to have everything figured out, and that if this wasn't the case for me then I was falling behind on the imaginary timeline we all are walking through.

I don't feel a sense of doom now when I think about what I want to do. And I also don't feel panic when I realise that I still don't know what that thing is. I feel like I was blessed and cursed when I was given a personality that loves everything so deeply, that one singular thing will never make sense to me in my own head. It will never make sense to me that other people can pick one thing and go with it for the rest of their lives. But that's okay. That works for them. But I am not them. And they are not me.

If there is one thing I have been certain of throughout my (almost) thirty years on this planet, it's myself. I have gone through changes and 'eras' but, I have always known who I was. And today is no different. I would maybe even go as far to say that I know myself better now than I ever have. I have taken the time over the years to really understand myself and what I like. And, arguably more important, I also understand what I don't like. I know what fills my cup and what drains my energy. I know what adds the whimsy, and what ignites a fire in my soul.

Growing up I don't remember there ever being categories or groups we fit in to. Sure, you could probably look at a kid in the school playground and decide whether they would prefer to dress more feminine or masculine, in all black or floral patterns, whether they are late to school in the morning because they spent so much time doing their hair when they woke up or because they were up all night playing video games. But these were interchangeable. People could be more than one. They could go between, and they weren't boxed in. But with the growth of social media, the talk of 'niches' and the want to have an identity, it seems to have brought around the idea that you have to fit into a box. And I'd go as far as to say that sometimes, it's expected of you on social media that, you fit into said box and you can't flit between that one and another one.

My niche is that... I don't have one. I sort of mix between all categories and I find things in different ones that I feel like I resonate with, or that fill a little part of my soul when I think about them. But it does make me wonder, if I was to ask for an outsiders perspective, which box would they put me in? For me, the two that stand out are the 'maximalism' and 'clean girl' categories. There are parts of both of them I like and incorporate into my own life, and yet I feel like I fit into neither of them. I'm sort of a half way point. But what exactly is that? What is the halfway point between a maximalist and a clean girl? Is there a term for it? Has society decided what box that is that you fit into if you don't fit into either of those other categories? Or do those other categories have different levels to them? Can you be a clean girl who likes to wear colourful nail polish from time to time? Or is the colourful nail polish going to disqualify you from the category all together?

And I also think back to the different aesthetics of my thirty years that have existed over time, and how those would affect the box I am placed in today, if they were still in existence now. Would my blue hair phase have put me in a different box to my pink hair phase? Would my need to wear the same colour lipliner everyday, have separated me from the times when I didn't put on makeup without wearing a pair of false lashes? Would my collection of trainers tell a different story from my collection of Dr Martens?

Overall, it doesn't matter. And I honestly couldn't care where I fall, who thinks I fall where and what that category I fall into actually is. I am just curious as to whether there is actually one that exists. I won't be pushing myself into it, and I won't be minimising parts of myself to fit in a little better. And I guess part of my identity is that I actually identify with different parts of it. I have parts that I know will always be me and some that are me but not everyday me. And that is okay. As I look down on my multicoloured polkadot nails typing away on the keyboard of my laptop, I can't help but think what actually is it that fills my cup with how I present myself? And the answer is, just enjoying who I am in the moment. And understanding, it's a moment, not a lifetime.