Almost like the future

Hi, 

                  If you are reading this, you are either bored, non-binary and closeted, non-binary who has been closeted, or just curious. That’s ok. Today was pretty different. I learned something about myself. I learned I’m more masculine than feminine, on most days. Today was a masculine day, but as I have a feminine body shape, and an extremely high pitched voice for my age, I sound like a 12 year old. Let me tell you, to myself, I sound sophisticated and at least 34, on recording I sound 12. My friends tell me I’m somewhere in the middle. Which is good because I am somewhere in the middle. I always have been. With my gender, with my siblings, with my hair (I can never decide how I want it.), Just once, I want to pass as something, other than gay female, which don’t get me wrong, I am totally fine being seen as a gay female because girls are hot and wow, but I want to be seen as masculine some times, you know? I want to be me. Whoever that is. None of you know me, but I know that you guys are all I have right now, and seeing as how I only have one follower, (thank you to that one follower! :) ) I want you guys to know that I’m here for you guys. My life is spent in the middle. I don’t want to be in the middle for you guys. Have a good day/night. 

To all my binder-wearing potential friends, 

We all have had a hard time recently, 

          Some of you, like me, hate feeling trapped. It’s not necessarily the indoors, but it’s the fact that we can’t go out and do things anymore. Honestly, none of you know me. I’m okay with that. I’m just like you, a person looking for something more. I want hope, but I’m too broken to hold it without crushing it as well. I’m too lost to the world for any motivation to find the light. I can’t even do my art project, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I love art, honestly more than I love myself. It’s all I have, except my art isn’t good enough for the person grading it. 

          I relapsed yesterday. I almost killed myself. No, I’m not telling you this so you will be like #same or #me too. No. I’m telling you this so you can know you aren’t alone. This is just another day. One step at a time, and if you need me to, I’ll walk it with you. I need to get back to schoolwork, but stay safe guys. 

Female? Male? Prefer not to say? Which one?

So many people have asked me who I am, I’m not any of the above. I don’t fit into any of the above. I’d actually really want to say, but I don’t get that option. 

When I was 7, I wanted to play football. I couldn’t, because I was born a female. I could play soccer, but not football.This is my story. 

I’m genderfluid. Most people don’t understand how I can change. One second I’m comfortable as a female, then the next I’m having an anxiety attack because I feel masculine, but I look more feminine. The hardest part is passing as one, then when you are out in public, you feel the opposite or somewhere in between masculine and feminine. Nobody understands that, unless you’ve been through it. We are pushed into gender roles, females give birth and watch kids, men work. That’s how it was in the old days, and that is how some people want it. Times are changing though, thank goodness. If I have to argue another pastor about basic human rights I might go crazy, if I haven’t reached it already. 

Why can’t we, those of us who don’t fit within the boxes, get an option? Why do I have to feel ashamed of who I am? Why do I have to hide, because the general consensus is uncomfortable with anything aside from the “norm”? I’m not normal, and I know that. I stick out enough in this world, but maybe just maybe, if the adults would listen and try to make a change, then the youth could feel accepted. This is not all adults, that’s not what I’m saying at all. I’m sick of feeling alone when someone tries to figure out my gender. I’m sick of being called a dyke when I date a cis female. When I date a cis guy, then it is even worse because then I’m a tramp. Why, does it get this bad? Why are people so cruel? It isn’t that hard to just care about other people. Please, someone, anyone, just help make a change. This world needs one, and a big one.