Look I Changed The Title

“Cool,” said Freddy. “Do you know which one?”

“Uh,” said Billy. “The Atlantic? Yeah – wait, no. Wait.” He went quiet. “Which is the one on the left?”

“Neither of them’s on the left,” said Freddy. “One of them’s west and the other one’s east. That’s how geography works.”

“Oh, okay,” said Billy. “But, like. Which is the one on the left?”

“The Pacific?” said Darla.

“Yeah, that one!” said Billy. “The specific. Thanks, Darla. I love you.”

“I love you too!” said Darla.

“The Pacific,” said Eugene.

“Yeah – on the left,” said Billy. “The specific.”

“Are you –” Eugene turned to Freddy. “Is he saying specific?”

“I think so,” said Freddy.

“Pacific,” said Eugene. “It’s the Pacific.”

“That’s what I said,” said Billy.

“No, it’s not,” said Eugene. “Pacific.”

“Specific?”

“Pa-ci-fic.”

“Yeah,” said Billy. “Wait, what am I saying?”

“You’re saying specific,” said Eugene. “With a spuh. It’s the Pacific.”

“Yeah, specific.”

“Okay, say it for me,” said Eugene. “Pacific.”

“Spacific?”

“Okay, you’re getting closer,” said Eugene. “Now drop the S.”

“Spacific,” said Billy, more confidently.

“Okay –”

“Let it go, Eugene,” said Freddy.

“Oh hey, Diana’s back!” said Billy. “I’ll ask her.” His voice grew fainter. “Which ocean are we over?”

Freddy made out Wonder Woman’s voice answering him, and then some mumbled back and forth. After half a minute or so Billy came back on the line. “She says it’s the Atlantic.”

The League watch in fascinated horror as this new villain reams Batman. Bringing up traumatic memories.

“YOU!!!” Red Hood growls with his helmeted face entirely too close to the camera. “You just can’t help but disappear when you’re needed can ya? Puff of smoke, you are. People think it’s yer ninja trainin’ but I know better. They say yer a ghost but you ain’t the one who died.”

Batman tries to get Red Hood to shut up but it doesn’t work.

“A whole fuckin’ warehouse just falls on a 15 year old and all he does is cry for Dad! Oh no please save me Dad! But you never showed up! Too far away and couldn’t get there in time and now another Robin is poof! Out of your life forever. Can’t seem to keep ‘em can ya? Costume has never made it past a Teen Size Medium - not that any self respecting adult would wear such a thing.”

The other heroes can’t believe some local mob boss knows this much about Batman. And is brave and stupid enough to do this. They all loved and miss the second Robin; everyone in the room is still grieving. The new kid is great, of course, and it was a miracle he could break Batman out of that destructive spiral, but this is uncalled for.

“You don’t deserve a Robin if you’re just gonna let him die. Which is why he’s mine now. You can’t have him back.”

The Watchtower room went silent.

Then became an uproar.

“You have Robin??!!”

“What have you done to him?!”

“I’ll be there in two seconds and if he’s hurt -”

“How in the hell -”

Red Hood leans back from the screen and in the sudden view of the room behind him Robin is visible ...hooked up to several machines pumping air and medicines into his body.

“No,” Batman whispers in horror. “What happened?”

“Haven’t you been listening Old Man?! A FUCKIN’ WAREHOUSE FELL ON HIM. JUST LIKE ME!! And I swore to you! I swore! No more dead Robins! And he died!! On your watch! I broke a few ribs doin’ CPR on that child which means he’s mine now.”

Red Hood nods solemnly, as if this is logic.

“An’ don’t go tryin’ to find a NEW new replacement for me or I’ll just take that kid too. Can’t be any more dead Robins if there aren’t any more Robins.”

Every mouth was on the floor at that revelation. Red Hood was the second Robin. He’d been dead for years, how was he alive now?

Batman stood and hissed, “You can’t keep him.”

Red Hood laughed. It came out garbled through his helmet, making him sound more deranged. He leaned farther back in his chair and put a middle finger front and center on screen.

“Fuck you, Dad, I do what I want.”

Then he flipped that finger upside down to turn off the video call.

Batman tries to race out of the room but is mobbed by everyone else wanting answers.

It takes four months before Batman tracks down Jason. By then Tim is mostly healed from his many injuries and Jason has convinced him vigilante work isn’t for children.

Damian Wayne: I think you mean 'give me strength'

Batman: only if you promise not to tell anyone

Green Lantern: .......sure?

Batman, opening up his utility belt: do you want a dinosaur bandaid or a spaceship bandaid

Green Lantern:

Green Lantern: spaceships please.

Shazam: *about to go in on the free wine*

Batman: *taking the glass out of his hand* No.

Shazam: aw

Shazam: *flirting back*

Shazam: ………..

Shazam: *discreetly spits the wine back into the glass*

Shazam: *flirting back*

Several members of the Justice League: *staring in horror*

Shazam: The thing is, I don’t exactly have a car

Flash: What?

Shazam: Or a license

Flash: Uhh

Shazam: Or a job

Flash: What??

Shazam: Or an alternate identity. Not in the ways you guys do.

Flash: ???

Batman, who wasn’t there five seconds ago: if anyone’s going to adopt Shazam, it will be me.

Shazam: aw, thanks! :) I don’t need it, but thanks both of you for the offer!

I trained for years to be a con artist. I told my friends and family that I wanted to be a magician, but that was just a cover for why I was constantly practicing sleight of hand. 

In junior high and high school, I would shop lift a bunch of candy on my way to school, sell it to kids at the morning break, and use that money to run a crooked poker game at lunch.

Finally, when I was 19 or 20, I felt I was ready, and I picked my first pocket. I was on the bus, bumped a guy as I passed down the aisle, got his wallet, super clean.

In the wallet was several hundred dollars. A huge first score, I had been hoping for a couple twenties. I sat there looking at the, like, 400 bucks, thinking.

That was my rent at the time. We were both on the bus. It was likely his rent too. Lord knows the only reason to carry that much cash on the bus is you’re on your way to pay a bill. We were both on the bus, you know? That’s not someone I was comfortable stealing from.

I tapped him on the shoulder and told him “hey i think you dropped this” and gave it back to him with all the money still in it. It was the first and last time I ever picked a pocket.

Picking a rich person’s pocket is a loosing game. They probably have credit cards and not cash, those credit cards probably have the best anti-theft measures their bank can provide, and you probably can’t get close enough to those people to pick their pockets unless you’re already rich yourself.

The people who’s pockets you can reliably pick are the people around you. The people who are also on the bus, who are in this same shitty situation with you.

PORTALS CAN’T MOVE.

If you place a portal on a surface, and then that surface moves, the portal immediately closes. A good example of this is one of the last test chambers in the first game. There is a surface that, upon a button press, is tilted upwards at an angle. If you place a portal there and THEN hit the button, the portal disappears.

The ONE, SINGULAR EXCEPTION to this has been in Portal 2 when you are deactivating the neurotoxin generator. But it is fair to assume in all other cases a portal would not be allowed to move.

Men when women make a joke: Was that by accident? Do you know you just made a joke?