my syscovery happened a while ago. maybe 2 months? i had a hunch for a longer time, but only recently i became aware of median systems and the fact that systems can look like mine. whatever.
i told my closest friend. i know he will never judge me, and vice versa. i just... kinda wish he approached my plurality less like a disease to soon be fixed, but a part of me. like the fact that i'm autistic. is it a disorder? yeah. and it impacts my life negatively and i wish i didn't have it. but i can take pride in being autistic, in some ways. same with my plurality.
i talked to him about us (me n sysmates), and he mentioned it being curable. that i could seek help to hopefully integrate. but what if i don't want to? what if we, as a collective, don't want to be one person again. we are used to living our whole life as different alters, same as we are used to living with autism. its hard, but its ours.
i wish i could tell him that, but i'm still quite ashamed of our plurality (cuz the am-i-just-faking-it thoughts r still there + misunderstandings about plurality by. well. half of the world at least).
he compared our plurality to his psychosis, and it kinda made me sad. yeah, we may hurt the body and by extension each other, but we make up one flawed person. its not "im gonna fuck them up" kinda thing, it's an alter intending to harm themselves at most. which i don't blame them for doing. i did my fair share of stuff they're not happy about too. meanwhile his was very negatively impactful and he wanted to get rid of it by himself, recognized the harm.
i dont know if our plurality is harmful to us. i dont want it to be, i dont feel like it is. yeah, the memory losses and dissociation episodes suck, but we are trying to establish better communication and understaning with eachother, along with kind of a "you may not want to do it for yourself, but the next fronter will be in trouble if you don't, so try to it for them" attitude. we are working on us.
and to be honest? i kinda like when someone else hangs out with me in the back of my head. it may cause headaches sometimes, but they're not very severe. sunlight is worse for my headaches, yet no one tells me to stop going outside, lmao.
idk what im trying to say. i just wish he didn't pathologize this as much. we know it's a disorder. but we can find some joy in the positives, right? its not bad to, paraphrasing: "get used to it too much". we are already used to living as a system, only recently we realized we do so we are working on. cooperation. and being kinder to each other and ourselves.
wish they wouldn't say that kind of thing to you