#doc-rep

it's uh... it's a lot. I currently share my life with about 173 other people. Some of these people are complete strangers to me. Hell, *most* of these people are! If it was just me and my partners sharing a body, well, that'd be a lot but we'd probably be ok. But I think sometimes people sound more ok with this than they are. I know we definitely do.

I hate being hypersexual. I hate being hypersexual. I hate being hypersexual. I hate being hypersexual.

I hate how there are people who turn it into "I love being sexual!" and treat it like it's some sort of orientation/sexuality label rather than a symptom.

I hate that I feel dirty all the time.

I hate that we don't even know why I'm like this. Just got lucky I guess. /heavy sarcasm

I hate that I can't even bring this up with our therapist because I'm so ashamed of it.

I hate that I get triggered so easily.

I hate that I'm like this.

I'm scared af. I get nervous to the point of getting actually sick just by remembering the events, I get paranoia of finding them randomly on the streets, I am scared of what will happen next year, I'm actually fucking terrified. Everyone undervalues when trauma is caused by a minor the same age as you, as "that couldn't be possible", but it is, and the trauma we have from it follow us every day, blocking people who are not even related to the happenings, because, paranoia. Losing bit by bit notion of what you truly are, who you truly are. Maladaptive daydreaming until is hard to snap out of it and face that that can never happen. And still, we are put down, asked to forgive them, like is some petty children's fight, and not something that fucking traumatized us, that fragmented us even further, made us trigger ourselves over and over again to feel something other then disgust and anxiety, made our compulsions stronger. It sounds so small when we tell them what they did, but it doesn't fucking feel like it. Just so you have an idea, it got so strong, that we blurred ourselves to the point of basically no distinction, because the brain felt like being a system was not working/being enough.

People get terrified/disgusted whenever we tell them we wish this person disappeared, we wish them to go what they made us go through, because thats "not kind", but they don't fucking deserve this, they don't get to play the fucking victim card, while we dissociate, spiral, and feel numb

Yes this is stalker anon BTW, claiming the -📟 anon

🫂

I wish I could give you any advice, but I can't, so a hug it is.

most people struggle to understand that our younger brother caused us trauma when we were both minors, so I can relate to that at least. For whatever it's worth, I believe you.

i'm one of our system's multiple protectors and because i'm sort of partially sourced from someone the host is really close to (who's also someone i'm going to be ranting about here) i tend to work mostly with keeping the host from doing dumb shit if that makes sense.

which leads me to my main vent(?) here and that is that i can NOT catch a break /neu. our host (who suspects it has BPD) keeps going back and talking to someone who has treated it like absolute garbage recently and convincing hyrself that shy's the problem when it's him. like serious i love it and all but i cannot keep trying to clean up every fucking mess it makes when xi has a mental health episode and ruins xir relationship with him. i've discussed this with hyr multiple times and i understand it isn't something shy wants either, but it just gets tiring to me and our other protectors. at least the person shy's attached to actually has SOME sense and can recognize that it's being codependent jesus fucking christ

anyways. needed to get that off my chest.

-- cameron of 🃏📣

🫂

Like we could be pluralflux, w/p-did but we also could gave bpd and be a non-system plural.

Or we could be a slowly developing system

Oh well, downsides or being desensitized to mental health and disorder symptoms in general

🫂

I feel so stupid.

- Caleb

🫂

hope you can work it out with him, kiddo.

- XE 🕳️

-RED🫀

that's fair. honestly, knowing about your system is a pretty personal thing and a privilege, not something they have any right to. And they definitely don't sound deserving of that privilege.

I hope you can trust yourselves more, as I know how terrible it feels to not be able to.

🫂

fair, I hate how people never saw my canon chosen family as a legitimate part of my family, and I know that if I were to talk about my system being a part of my family now, the reaction would be about the same. >:/ I get the feeling, and I want to explode the people who won't believe you.