Iāve only ever been able to feel shame. No matter what I do I always find a way to feel disgusting. My ability to verbalize how I feel has been weakened severely by this. I cannot tell anyone how I feel anymore without feeling dirty, gross. I donāt know why. And even if I do, hours later after the conversation I will hit myself non stop, punishing myself and degrading myself for even thinking I could talk to anyone about how I truly feel without feeling like a pig.
I know this can all go back to multiple events in my childhood but one in particular sticks out, and that one event was used over and over as a way to hurt me emotionally.
Me crying at the age of 8 asking why my mom hasnāt hugged me or looked at me in days as my step father gets closer, grinning as tears roll down my face.
Vulnerability. A perfect treat for a man like him.
I clinged onto his gray shirt as tears continue to pour down my face and he never looks away at me, he holds me.
Me and my mom would kiss a lot so itās not any different from doing it with a man who was supposed to be a substitute for your father right?
I kissed him on the mouth at the age of 8. Hoping in return it would be gentle peck just like my moms but I underestimated the influence of alcohol that digged deep into his belly.
I remember his tongue shoving itself into my mouth, the tickle of his beard against my face. I didnāt stop him because I didnāt know what to do, Iāve seen him and my mom do this all the time so maybe this was his way of showing love.
During this moment I remember feeling so angry at my mom. How could see not hug me or kiss me but a man that barely knew me could? I accepted it because I knew that this was the only love I was gonna get for a while before the weekend, when my mom would be available to talk to me before she went to the bar again.
I donāt remember much after the making out but I do remember for several days after that I couldnāt stop bleeding down there. I became too scared to use the toilet and for several weeks I would be constipated. Im not able to remember the months after that besides watching videos on the internet. Everything in my real life was completely forgotten.
I didnāt remember these events clearly until I moved away a few years ago but I do remember that underlying feeling just seeing him. I knew it wasnāt normal to feel that scared of your step dad but since nobody in my family cared deeply for him like I did I just assumed it was just my nerves.
I always avoided eye contact with him. I was never able to have a full conversation with him without feeling severely angry and he could tell. He would snap back at me and call me a bitch or a brat for being that way towards him. I was always scared to hug him but I felt so sorry for him whenever my mom would yell at him, that at the very least try least was something we could bond over.
All those years in that house and I put most of the blame on my mom, she would threaten both me and him everytime she got drunk. Every night I could hear her yelling to threaten to kill herself and him. I was so annoyed at hearing her scream but everytime he screamed back it felt right, justified, I felt like I was on his side. But for some reason she started to bring me into arguments when I wasnāt even there, she would victimize herself and me to make him mad.
But she would mention me?
She taunted him, called him a creep, a pedo, just to get a reaction out of him. She would bring up how she knew what he was doing and how he was disgusting for it but I just canāt understand. Why would she call out his behavior and then do nothing for me? Why couldnāt she tell me what happened to me? I was still too young to know what happened so I assumed she was just saying stuff to get him mad so I defended him always.
But thatās it. If she actually cared she wouldāve told me what he did was wrong, not use it as a point in an argument.
She never cared for me, or at the least what happened, she just used me as a scapegoat in her fights. And she would use it against me too.
Iāve always loved the internet more than anything, made a YouTube channel around the age of 11 but for some reason she was so weird about it. She would tell me often to delete the channel or else people would find me and rape me but I didnāt exactly understand what she meant by that. She never even taught me what exactly was rape anyways but I knew it was some form of sex.
I remember one night my step dad bought pills from the gas station, he told me he didnāt care, he was gonna do whatever to get mom to love him that night.
I remember her yelling and crying. She was drunk though so I donāt know what to believe to be the cause of that in this situation but she dragged me out of my room into hers with him still sitting on the bed. He was holding his cheek like he had been hit really hard and she cried into my hair begging me to protect her. I did what I could and I soothed her but I felt such a nauseous feeling in my belly. I donāt remember what happened after that feeling but I left her and locked myself in my room. I didnāt leave for that whole weekend. I didnāt have a lock so I shoved stuff against my door so nobody would feel welcomed coming in.
But I continued to feel sorry for him. He was in pain everyday and had to use oxygen and I would hear him cry a lot but I would sometimes comfort him with hugs. I always had to hold my breath when I hugged him though. I always felt too awkward or scared.
I know I said I was only gonna talk about one event but I continued to remember more things as I continued writing, I was in a flow state.
When I was 11 I remember I would hurt myself a lot and make it slightly noticeable at school so somebody would care but something happened. Someone did notice but not in a way I expected.
My mom would help with the after school program so I was there for a bit. I remember playing tag with other kids as scars and writing covered my arms. Nobody my age talked about it with me. I think they were just trying to ignore it. But one of the after school people noticed and he pulled me aside. He scolded me. He told me to stop doing what I was doing because I was doing it for attention, not because I actually needed help.
I didnāt respond to him but I thought about it a lot.
Like yes I was asking for attention? But his tone made it seem like attention was bad which I didnāt understand at that time. But why would he say that? I donāt understand what made him say that? If a kid is self harming even if they are ādoing it for attentionā that still means thereās something severely wrong with them! I donāt get his point. No matter what he thought of me couldnāt he see that I needed help?
Idk might return to this when I reach flow state again
