Agusta

i am in love with you

i hate to be the bringer

of such devastating news

four and a half years

you wouldn’t believe it

i had my first in a rich neighbourhood 

so far away from you

i hated it

had my second in a dorm

just like yours

only you weren’t there

same as the last four and a half years

she laid herself out like a feast

the third

but it wasn’t what i wanted

because it wasn’t with you

for whom i was made

oh, with you

into a golden universe

i am in love with you

and you found someone

before i could tell you that 

that my life was made to die with yours

my body made to die with yours

on your bed, somewhere, anywhere

i walked down a hill

in that sleepy coastal city

i was on my way to weatherspoons

to meet your namesake

carrying a heavy bag after class 

end of january, i had met you for the first time

and thought to myself

i have found her

i have found her

it was astronomical 

the refrain of the almost free

saw you walking behind that woman we both knew

you were asking her about the bible

it’s a vivid picture

i almost followed you

i had a question for you, too

a few days later 

i was traversing the pavement 

and upon the hill, a flicker of light

much like a cross

you were standing there

with some girls, some boys

and i was a magnet to your ism

said hi, we talked, you’d just got a new haircut 

and i could’ve pressed my lips against every strand of your hair

in a sacred prelude, but i didn’t 

have it in me to even tell you how beautiful you looked

better than the birth of venus

we stood there for a while

i said come ‘round the catholic church, please

there’s free lunch on sundays

it made you laugh

then you said

we ought to have a cup of tea

earl grey, your favourite

tea

and with it all the kindness of life

tea

and within me i immortalised you

i immortalise you

and i meant to tell you that 

one month before we met

i met someone from your hometown 

they took me ‘round the bay and i took a picture of the church

right where you grew up

the foundation was laid

for a house never built 

i fell in love with the streets and the lamp posts and trains and cliffs that made you

though i didn’t know you yet

how afraid i was

that’s why i didn’t say

i didn’t know that it was okay to want you

and you were the only one

who didn’t ask where i came from

you just accepted me

and then you offered branches

a bridge between two falling stars

i didn’t understand all the lust bursting out of me

in your vicinity 

so i stopped looking at you

and it only made me want you more

and i told our mutual friend

when i was drunk on cheap cider

in may when you were taken

that you must feel like silk

to an intimate observer 

and as we walked into the corner shop

on wet cobblestone

i told her that i loved you

said i love her, i love her, i love her

i wonder if she ever told you that

then shame hurt me

and i stopped taking her calls

your scarf, your scarf

autumn or winter upon you

it doesn’t matter

it’s all a golden-red dream

and my nights are full of your perfect movement

your gracious hands and soul

unattainable literary ballerina

purple heart, you sent me one

when i was on the train to paddington

and in the air there was a beginning unreconstructed 

you asked if i was okay 

because you didn’t see me that day

i should’ve picked up the pace 

should’ve told you anything 

you would’ve listened 

i know you would’ve listened 

and lavender was your breath, your scent, your colour

and our friend tried to make plans

on that valentine’s day

plans that fell through

i didn’t know why it wasn’t our turn

but we already merged like waters

a thousand rivers ago

i can feel it

like lana del rey would say

all roads that lead to you as integral to me as arteries

all roads that lead to you as integral to me as arteries

i remember you in your leather jacket

when you sat next to me with a cough 

i wanted to nurse you back to health

then we’d sleep inside each other

that’s what freedom would’ve meant

and i saw you in the half-light, perfect under blue skies

at 2 pm in june

fate was still trying to patch it up

bare-faced, you were the last living rose

i restrained myself from hoping

i was slate-grey inside 

leaving for the counterfeit summer

you were with somebody then

somebody bolder, somebody to break you, another 

it was the last time that i saw you

tried to get back in touch

tried to tell you about it

i never had the words, i’m sorry

and i know i act like we’re close

but trust me, i know

i know it when i see it

and i haven’t seen it since

and maybe you never saw me for who i am

for i was traumatised 

i couldn’t be myself 

i hope you see me now

i know you want immortality 

you wear it like a pearl

the designation to be

remembered by the halls of time

well, that i could’ve given you

i wrote a book of poetry about you

in my mother tongue

it will be published soon

even though they rejected it at first

i wrote three hundred songs about you

at the very least

covered all of my canvases

in colours to beckon you

fixed your name into these walls

at night, when i required you

and that’s when i wanted to ask 

never had the chance 

but i wanted to ask 

is it wrong if the only thing 

i want to wear for you 

is my skin?

i believe in letters 

that’s why i’m telling you this

if you ever ask, like oliver did

whenever i watch that film

i think of you and what could’ve been

my childhood was a prison cage

and i get by in reykjavík these days

without any substances

i don’t know how i get by

there’s a man who watches over me

and still i am alone

i practice my violin four hours per day

and i don’t have any family

and everybody wants to know me

and everybody wants to love me

and everybody wants to fuck me

but some days i feel like i can’t move

i’m blooming, i’m barely living

and i am just as much a man

as i am anything else

and i am starved

to the bone

of you

of every atom in you

it is my calling

to reach into your depths, somehow

i’m twenty-four

i can’t remember your birthday 

but something tells me it’s in the pulp of summer 

not at the death of it like mine

and time isn’t linear

but i will still need you tomorrow 

a habit fastened into me

throughout a thousand days

i didn’t know my name for years

on this frozen island

i couldn’t stand 

and then they burned my heart

with a catheter, you know

i had nobody to hold

i was so sick

made my peace with dying young

and living slow

an undue burden

on a life never begun

a wasted garden

strong and alone

i’m doing better now

i was in london

when i almost died

around midnight 

it stopped beating 

i thought about you every day

and i tried

in my way

it’s okay, it’s okay

i play my violin 

and something great awaits me

and nothing measures up

to the idea of you

and it’s not just an idea

but a tangible memory

it’s so simple 

it’s scripture 

no, i’m not religious 

but maybe there’s some merit to it

for it brought me you

they don’t know who you are

and i’ll never tell them

only you know who you are

i heard about the shooting 

i might understand what led him to do it

he just needed someone to love

i am in love with you

i don’t know why

i just am

it’s pathetic and strange 

but maybe it’s what you’ve been waiting for

all this ever-changing time

it’s taken me long enough 

i am in love with you

this is my verdict, my promise

my apartment smells like smoke

it’s nobody’s fault but my own

i needed this bad 

should’ve told you when i had the chance

leave it at friends of the flesh

you can’t lie to cover your tracks

is that how they do it in france?

it’s not another fruitless fantasy 

it’s the real thing now

the wine on your lips, how

the bottle renewed

my body pried open

i told you i used to steal things

and i will

i had you

rain against a window

fell asleep in your crevice

enveloped in warm bones

looking out the window

dreaming of nothing less

midsummer almost spent

i’m just here

to push your buttons

turn you on

coming on strong

coming on weak

lying through my teeth

so i take it too far

i don’t know how to control it

moulding myself to fit you

starving this body to meet you

wherever you may need me

and they were talking about your football team on the radio

they said the streets are alive again

with wild abandon, i wonder why

you know i don’t care about it

but i love you

or i would like to

if you could love me

spare me an origin story

spare me infamy

you were just like mother mary

just like the church

where i sat down and cried

in rome

you were the stopping of time

a destination, end of the ride

this is the night that i survived to live

this is the light that i survived just to feel 

my apartment smells like smoke

it’s nobody’s fault but my own

i was close to burning it down once

but my mother walked through the door

you’re out but you’re not far away