FFA Who Is Unrelatedly A Fat Gal (not A Feedee)

My manager: So what I’m gonna do is whenever you seem like you might be upset, instead of inquiring or trying to understand, I’m gonna give you the silent treatment.

If I don’t approach every single situation absolutely perfectly, then I’m wrong, even if nobody else does anything right in response.

There is no consistent way to react to “how are you doing” correctly. If I lie and say I’m fine, they don’t know the truth, if I say the truth and it’s not fine then that’s wrong. If I say, I don’t like that question because it doesn’t matter the response, I’m also wrong. Then when nobody checks on me, even when they notice, AND CONFIRM THAT THEY NOTCED, I’m having a hard time, it’s also my fault, because I didn’t respond well to that fucking question at some point in the past.

I’m treated like I’m unreasonable, even when I’m more willing to bend than almost anyone else, for some reason. I’m the difficult one even though I acquiesce and try to accommodate every single time I’m asked and no one else of them does. But since I do it in the wrong way, then I’m the difficult problem, person.

They treat me like a wild animal, gonna attack at any minute, then get mad when I’m like “why are you guys treating me so weird?” because, if I act poorly when treated poorly, that’s the sign that I deserved to be treated poorly the whole time. There is no winning.

If everything about who I actually am were the same, but I had a penis, slim body, pale skin, and straight hair, it would all actually be incredible and perfect, but because I have brown skin, a fat body, kinky/curly hair in a queer style, and a vulva, I’m wrong every time, if I don’t have the perfect, happiest tone in the whole wide world, or don’t say everything that could possibly be interpreted as critical with a wrapping of happy little ribbons and bows, no matter how I feel.

I can say “I need clear communication, I don’t know how to process weird tones/facial expressions/the silent treatment,” and then they say “you seemed upset so I decided to give you space a.k.a. the silent treatment,” I’m wrong for being upset at that, no matter how directly I’ve said that I want to give them what they want, I just need to be told more explicitly.

Because I am female, and brown, and fat, and autistic, I have to be absolutely perfect, or I will be utterly rejected, every time.

Been having a real wicked boy period. That want to just be really all up on someone and hug and be wierd together. And get more massive'er obv. What if you had a cute lil matchbox car and drove it across my pillowy hills and made little car noises like the cutie patootie you are? I think that'd be really based of you.

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