Some time ago my main account on tumblr got several messages within the course of a month or so, accusing me of abusing my wife because I’m a trans man and she’s transfem. Specifically, they were saying that because I talk about my experience with oppression, and especially domestic violence, as a trans man that happened and was normalized/celebrated because I’m a trans man, and one of my abusers was a trans woman. The idea was that because my abuser was a trans woman, that I shouldn’t talk about it. At one point I got a message that I never posted saying that I would “accuse my wife of rape when I got bored of her.” Implying that I was only with my wife “until I was bored of her,” and that I “accused” my rapist of raping me because I hate trans women, and not because she raped me. I never posted the name of the woman who raped and tried to kill me, I posted a blurred out mugshot from 2022 when it happened when someone said I was making it up. The charges were dropped, she served no time, she never went to prison, and her criminal record was wiped after 6 months of not contacting me. The nightmares I started having as a result of the murder attempt didn’t stop until 2025 when I was prescribed medication.
I’ve posted a lot about it, because it was distressing. I’m a victim of lifelong abuse from the time I was born to about 21 years old, which is a long fucking time. The abuse was the kind of thing that I’d tell therapists about and they’d pale in the face, let alone people who don’t work with traumatized people. Being accused of being an abusive partner by people who don’t know me or my wife on account of me being trans (you can say that it’s because I’m a man, but I’m a man because I’m trans, so it’s functionally the same) is pretty fucking distressing. I haven’t received a message like that in months. And I have some stuff I’d like to say about it, because when you think about it, it’s really disturbing beyond just the audacity of telling a trans man that he’s abusive because he’s a trans man.
For one, the people sending these messages (trans radical feminists, we’ll call them TRFs) are functioning off the idea that telling anyone that a trans woman is abusive (whether it be telling people that she’s close to or just talking about her without any way for anyone to tell who she actually is) is transmisogynistic, and akin to “social murder” and “lynching.” The quiet part that they’re not saying is that other trans women who have been victimized by a trans woman at some point in their lives are also held to this standard. They’ll say that they’re just keeping “TMEs” from using their “privilege” to talk about a trans woman abusing them (of course, all that’ll happen to a trans man who talks about being abused by a trans woman is being misgendered, threatened with rape and murder, having his abuser celebrated, being accused of transmisogyny and just wanting to make trans women look bad by other trans people, and being effectively retraumatized for several months following the confession. That’s all, very privileged group), but trans women are also included in that. That’s because these people aren’t defending trans women, they’re defending rapists and abusers that they’re either friends with or one of, and a lot of them target trans women specifically. If a trans woman talks about being victimized by another trans woman, she’s also accused of transmisogyny and hating trans women.
The claim behind this is that trans women are a hypervulnerable class and even abusers and rapists in that class deserve community and support. You can think what you want about that, but all I’m asking is: do you not think that the trans women that they’re abusing also deserve community and support? What community and support means to these people is a stream of vulnerable trans people for them to abuse. “Whisper networks” are called transmisogynistic and those who speak up are accused of wanting to ruin a trans woman’s life, but what about the life of the trans woman who was abused? What about the lives of other trans people who were abused? I lost my job, I became too disabled to work, I lost friends, I had chronic nightmares that only started after the murder attempt. I didn’t talk about it publicly for 3 years because I knew I couldn’t handle the abuse that I would get from other trans people and TERFs alike if I did before. Abuse is life ruining. A lot of people who were abused by someone in a community end up having to leave that community when their abuser is still allowed there. They’re also losing community. I lost community. Do they not matter? Do we not matter?
The issue is that the people pushing this idea are abusers and rapists. These mandates aren’t meant to protect trans women, they’re meant to protect rapists and abusers, who disproportionately prey on trans people, and specifically other trans women if you don’t care about trans men. Trans women are victimized by this rhetoric. It’s not even in the way that “demanding that trans people who are sexually abused by trans women not talk about it makes all trans women look bad,” but trans women are also victimized by this. Trans women are also forced into silence about their abuse just as much as any of us.
One interesting thing to me is the fact that these people will fantasize about trans women and transfems who date people who aren’t transfem being abused and traumatized by their partner, especially if their partner is a trans man. Especially trans women and transfems who are vocal about their support and love of trans men and mascs. I’m not the only trans man who has received accusations like this, given that their only “evidence” is that I’m a trans man and my wife is transfem. Trans women who have trans boyfriends and husbands and even friends are also harassed like this. Again, a lot of the people who push that trans women and transfems can only have healthy relationships with other trans women and transfems, are trans women and transfems who want to abuse other trans women and transfems. They’re preying on other trans women and then silencing them when they speak out.
My wife knows about those messages that I was receiving for a while. I haven’t received anything like that in months, but my wife just finds the whole situation hilarious. I understand where she’s coming from, it’s bizarre and parasocial. None of these people know either of us, and I have two instagram accounts that are very easy to find, and both of them have my wife’s instagram account in the bio. If they ever wanted to send her a message saying any of the shit that they say to and about me, they could. I’d advise anyone who wants to to not, if only because it will irritate her, and at best she’s going to show me, say “hey babe look at this fucking idiot lmfao,” and then block you. I don’t know what she’d do or say to you at worst. I’d advise anyone reading to not send her a message because it’d probably really irritate them, but you could if you’re an idiot. Regardless, she finds these accusations funny, to the point where they regularly joke about them. And I understand why they find them funny and ridiculous, but when you think about the implications of what they’re saying and who’s saying these things, it gets really disturbing really quickly.
Anyone telling you that only they can and will love you and that you’ll never be loved and supported by anybody else is a very well known abuse tactic. Unfortunately, most trans women have been abused by an intimate partner at some point in their lives, and were also abused as children, and along with the inherent trauma that comes with being trans in a transphobic society, it leaves a lot of them unable or unwilling to recognize when they are being abused. A lot of trans people in general do believe that nobody will genuinely love them on account of their transness, and that they have to take what they can get. I’ve been a victim of exactly this kind of internalized transphobia and it’s led me into a lot of unsafe and traumatizing situations. If you (trans person reading this) take nothing from the things that I write and post about, I want you to take this: you aren’t inferior for being trans. There are people who will love you completely, transness and all. You don’t have to settle for abusive partners, abusers are not the only people who will love you. You don’t have to put up with abuse to be loved. If shit sucks, hit the bricks.
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