This is totally random and I can’t fully express what I’m trying to say but: “it’s okay to not want to do kinky stuff in the bedroom” is an important message, but it’s missing something and I’m not sure what.
I mean, for one thing, it’s okay not to want to do anything in the bedroom, and we DO talk about consent, but there’s still this...assumption that a certain set of acts are the Basic Package that constitutes Normal sex, and that all the “weird” stuff is in steps up from there or something, and that being an allosexual individual means you get the Basic Package.
So we don’t often tell people that it’s okay not to want to do oral or to have penetrative sex. In particular, no one encourages people to evaluate whether it’s okay to “expect” that of their partners in the same way they do with “kinky” stuff.
So like, I keep seeing people criticizing the fact that “kinky” stuff is becoming Expected and Normal, but as an autistic person whose sensory experiences are very different from what’s “expected,” it’s like...nothing in particular should be Expected and Normal? “They might not be into that/enjoy that” is just as true of the most “basic, vanilla” sexual acts you can think of as the most out-there weird crap you can think of? There’s no single specific act that every single sexually active person should be presumed to enjoy?
Something I noticed from Pervocracy’s old Cosmopolitan reviews (and a few advice column things) is that people would ask “help, my partner asked me to do X in bed, what do I do?” And a lot of times the answer was that you should be a good sport and give it a try, unless the thing was judged to be obviously unreasonable and then of course it was wrong of your partner to bring it up and the column writer gets to be judgmental about this gross kink thing that no one would want to do.
It’s this weird “everything not mandatory is forbidden” thing where you’re supposed to do what your partner wants and it’s selfish to refuse, unless you can make the case that the thing they want is bad and gross and in that case they should be shamed for wanting it.
In a situation where you aren’t able to set boundaries, you resent other people for having desires. In a situation where you can only set boundaries around kinds of sex considered bad enough, then you end up making the case that the thing your partner wants is bad and gross and shameful and make them feel bad for bringing it up.
So when people are like “being kinky is ok! It’s not shameful and gross!” it gets taken like we’re trying to add additional items to the unspoken list of stuff that’s compulsory if your partner wants it. But the framework of compulsory “normal” sex is already fucked up! It needs to always be ok to say “not my thing” whether it’s “normal” sex that everyone else likes or something weird that grosses you out.
We're spending all this time trying to come up with the perfect list of Stuff Everyone Will Obviously Happily Do, when what's more needed is to normalize the idea that everyone gets to have preferences and boundaries, even in the most intimate (and romantic and committed and Obviously Soulmated) relationships.
As someone who greatly enjoys a lot of stuff deemed “kinky” but is no ok with a lot of “normal” sex things, I hate the idea that kink is seen as an addition to “normal” sex things. Because I like ‘kinky’ stuff it’s assumed I’ll automatically be fine with whatever they think is normal sexual activity. It’s seen as backward or inverted to be an asexual bondage enthusiast or a masochist that doesn’t want to have sex.
