💕silent muse💕

and i never really thought i would fall back into a relapse after hours of forgetting. and i never really thought that i would stoop so low for myself to feel heartbreak and longing and to be tear drunk about things that i shouldn't even feel despaired about. and i never really thought i would miss you a million more times than i did a week ago when everything was fine and i never really thought that the tiniest fragments of us in the summer would burn so brightly behind the lids of my closed eyes as i try to fall asleep, but can only be greeted with more pieces and i soon find myself putting back together the pieces of a puzzle that i yearn for to be mine all over again. and i never really thought that seeing your name next to some other girl's name would break my heart for the hundredth time, unpeel the bandaid i've put on just for the sake of looking okay, tear down my self pride and self worth, and break open the fucking dam that once erratically kept tears spilling from my eyes. and i've always known that i was never quite perfect or breath taking or flawless, but i've always known i wasn't just dull or colourless and i always knew that i could be quite unforgettable or haunting. but you fucking bastard it all becomes ruptured and my once colossal great love for you is still smouldering with the bluest flame and it hurts because i'm denying it but i'm still keeping it alive even if its licking at my lips. and i now know how easy it is to feel replaced, no, to be be replaced. and i've always known that you'd be over me in a heartbreaking heartbeat yet i still fell for you anyway, and that you are inhumanely cruel to leave me after you were the one to pick me up. and i've always known that after a few days i'd only be a sad achromatic face not even a feeling in the darkest crook of your mind. i am merely the width of a hairpin, not even a hair tie when it comes to being a memory. i fucking despise you but why does it still hurt so bad? and i never really thought that i'd cry again after a month of silence but then again i never really thought that you'd have stayed in the first place.

i am incapable of explaining this simple yet explicable feeling of paranoia, fear and the absence of me in the minds of others... i am so stressed out, it feels as if i'm a rubber band thats been stretched too far and i'm straining not to snap but its bound to happen shortly with this cold winter drying out my skin. i sit here writing out not even the shallow depths of my thoughts yet i already feel so tired and exhausted from trying to unfold the light creases set both in between my brows and the ones in my head i can't quite seem to put my finger on. i wish i could, to be able to be in a state of nonchalance, to do all the things i tell myself i want to do, to not be afraid, to not dread picking up my legs and tying my thoughts together like the laces on my shoes and head on with  what is coming for me. i want to be able to burn a blue flame in the closed lids of the people who left me, i want them to wonder why they ever thought to leave me, why the fuck they thought i was going to be alright. that they could easily find someone else the next month. i want to be able to be unafraid, fearless, to not feel this vacancy at the hollow depths of my every limb. i just want to feel wanted. its hard when nobody does.

why the fuck can't you miss me the way i miss you? why the fuck won't you think of me the way i'm constantly thinking of you? why the fuck won't you love me the way you used to say you do?

every single fucking thing reminds me of him.

i loved you, i loved you so much i forgot what being loved felt like.

it feels like everyone is moving from one place to another with a destination in sight and all i can do is watch with two feet stuck on the concrete below

i wish you would think of me the way i think of you- constantly

it scares me that there'll never be another you