💕I'm here to listen💕

First and foremost, … Yes. I’m back from the dead! What, I’m only… a year too late? But nonetheless, I’ve decided to rekindle my passion for helping people in hope that you guys will kindly have me back. :) 

Now, let’s crack on!

So... the dilemma of the day: should you get that nose job or not?

Honestly, this is such a difficult question to answer. The answer isn’t a straightforward no, nor is it a straightforward yes. Hence why I’m sure you’ve been left in this predicament of uncertainty and confusion. However, I’m hoping that the advice I offer you today, which will predominantly be based on experience, will steer you closer to finalising your decision.

Just like you, I have gone my whole life being told things I do not believe to be true. “It’s not that bad”. “It’s hardly noticeable, what are you talking about?”. “You’re beautiful, why would you want to change anything about yourself?”.

Context: I have a port-wine stain birthmark on my left cheek. In simpler terms: a useless, red blob on my cheek. To be fair, when I was younger, I had several laser surgeries performed on it, reducing it to red veins – its current form now. However, although it has significantly reduced in size and noticeability, it is something that still burdens me till this day. I am incapable of leaving the house without the protection of make-up, and if I’m in a predicament where I have no choice but to go without it, I am left feeling insecure and certain that absolutely EVERYone is staring at me. Make-up has become a chore, as opposed to a creative, enjoyable outlet people tend to use it for. This insecurity has left me struggling to open up to even those close to me. The only people I feel absolutely comfortable around in my “natural form” are my best friend, few members of my family and my boyfriend. 

However, it took me quite some time to let my guard down around my boyfriend. It even reached a point where it was putting a strain on our relationship. There was a period where I refused to answer facetime calls without my birthmark being concealed. This meant his romantic sentiment of calling me first thing in the morning was ruined by my insecurity. What made it worse is that he didn’t even know the reason why because I was too embarrassed to admit that the birthmark even existed. I knew that this would then expose that I’d been wearing make-up this whole time – even when he stayed over at my house for several days. Also, I was genuinely concerned that it would change his opinion of me, and I’d become less attractive to him. I know now that this was completely ridiculous to think and also unfair of me to undermine his loving, accepting and pure nature. He accepts me no matter what, not phased, but rather in awe of my flaws, which is one of the many reasons why I love him.

So, the first part of my advice is: I completely get it. I relate to your desire to undergo some changes in order to be free of an insecurity that burdens you. I also can relate to everyone else around you not understanding the severe impact of something they perceive to be so minor, can actually have. So honestly, if still now you feel like your sense of wellbeing will be enhanced by undergoing this cosmetic procedure, then I would encourage you to do it. When you are completely set on doing something, factors such as cost serve as no deterrent. For a very long time now, I have been contemplating on whether or not to undergo a final session of laser surgery in order to completely remove the birthmark. It was meant to happen last year, but Covid-19 messed up my plans. At the time, I was so frustrated and upset because I was so ready to be rid of it and start life renewed. However, I have to say, now I’m at a stage where I feel grateful that I haven’t yet gone through with the surgery. And here’s why…

I have found some self-acceptance. This has been my biggest key to inner peace. For the first time in literally forever, my mind is not preoccupied with my birthmark and how burdensome my life is because of it. I am able to interact with other humans with no make-up on. This may sound so futile, but for those who know me, this progress is IMMENSE. I have to say, my boyfriend has played a big part in this. He gave me the space to fully open up and feel loved for who I am. He reminds me of how beautiful I am, and how my birthmark actually enhances my beauty. He tells me that God make me this way, different from everyone else, special. Now this is by no means me saying that you need a man to remind you of your self-worth and to find inner peace. Hell no. But I have to give credit where credit is due. He only opened the door a tad – the rest was up to me. I grew to look in the mirror and not just be repulsed by the sight of my birthmark – fantasising about what I would look like without it. In a way, I now kind of see it as a masterpiece. And sometimes I even think to myself – would I miss it if it were gone? Would I even be me?

Now don’t get me wrong – I am still contemplating on whether or not to get the laser surgery. But now, it’s not an urgent need. I am surviving and living comfortably without it. Time to love myself and gain a new perspective was all I needed.

So, what I would say to you is… do what YOU want do. No one else is able to tell you how to feel or how to live your life. Only you know what is best for you and what will truly make you happy. If you decide to go through with the procedure – good. If you don’t and realise you are able to live comfortably without it – just as good.

You are a boss ass bitch either way.

I’m so sorry for not being as active on this as I should be. I’ve been so so busy lately with work and other things going on. (Also, it was ma birthday on tuesday 😝😝).

I promise I’ll be getting round to responding to all of your asks very soon. I made a promise to myself that I’d be truly committed to this blog because honestly it brings me so much happiness helping as many people as I can (even if it may not be that many). So I’m sorry.. I’ll be getting my shit together very shortly!

“This is a long post but I have to get it out because it’s been killing me.

Me and my ex had been close friends for almost 3 and a half years. We met our senior year and from that moment on I had a huge crush on him. It wasn’t until the summer before our sophomore year of college that I admitted I had feelings for him. To my surprise he felt the same way. He was bi but that didn’t bother me. We weren’t official till school started but I assumed we were exclusive because of how he felt about me. Two weeks before classes started he told me he had to admit something. While I was away house sitting he had a short fling with a girl from his work. He made out and sent nudes back and forth with her. I was devastated. During his fling he’d visited and acted like everything was ok. It took me till school started to even speak to him. I knew I should have ended things right there but I was a stupid 19 year old girl who finally had a guy who liked me. I told him as long as he cut all contact with the girl I’d forgive him. He said he did so I did. For the next months we were happy. I even told him I thought I was falling in love with him and he said he felt that way too. It wasn’t until November came that I felt the change. He became distant and would leave me on read. I chalked it up to midterm stress. After a week of barely talking or even seeing each other I confronted him. I told him I didn’t understand what was going. He told me it was nothing and led me to think I was over reacting. By Thanksgiving I’d had enough. When we were on the phone I told him I wanted the truth or I was breaking up with him. He again told me I was overreacting and nothing was going on, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to be with someone who cared about me and didn’t gaslight me. I told him I was done and if he couldn’t be honest with me I couldn’t stay around. He didn’t try to stop me or even say anything. I hung up in tears and cried myself to sleep. A few days later he posted a very intimate photo with a male friend of his. My heart broke. The entire time we were in a relationship he was cheating on me with him. The fact that it was a guy didn’t bother me it was the cheating. I didn’t care what gender the other person was all I cared was that he cheated on me. Word spread fast through our friend group that he left me for a guy. They talked about how he only dated me because I wasn’t girly and I was basically a guy with boobs. I avoided all of them for the rest of the semester. I went to class and went home. My depression got worse and I thought very little of myself. Over break I took a lot of time to myself and worked on liking myself again. When school started again my ex wanted to talk. He said him and the guy broke up and he really wanted to be friends again. I told him I couldn’t, he broke my heart and destroyed my self esteem. But he didn’t understand. I walked away and haven’t spoken to him since.

People say I need to forgive and forget. But I can’t. I need advice on how to move on and pursue other relationships and not feel like with everyone it will end like this.”

Guuuuurl, don’t worry – you know I’m here to help!

Okay, let’s jump right into the nitty gritty of all this…

You say you’ve been dating for 4 months but when you really think about it 4 months is not even that long. You should technically still be in the “honeymoon” phase, enjoying the beauty and excitement of a blossoming relationship. The fact that he’s exhibiting this type of behaviour so early on waves SO many red flags. It seems he has major insecurity issues based on how attached he has gotten so quickly. He says he’s desperately in love with you, and although he may have convinced himself that this is true, I feel as if he may in fact be in love with the idea of you. He loves what you represent. You are a symbol to him. The fact that he has someone as amazing as you, makes him feel worthy and good about himself. And it breaks my heart whenever I come across someone who has to seek someone else’s validation and depend on someone else to make them feel valuable and purposeful. I’ve been guilty of this myself. None of us our perfect and we all have our own issues, but it’s just not healthy and does more damage than good when we allow other people to determine our happiness. The only person that can help him is himself, not you. It’s not fair on you to feel responsible for someone else’s entire well-being. And I completely respect your genuine concern for him and it’s clear that you care for him, even if that might not be romantically anymore. But you are not his councillor. Think about the negative impact this is having on your own mental state and quality of life. Although it’s hard to do at times, we must learn to put ourselves first. I admire how compassionate and sympathetic you are. But you no longer wanting to be in a relationship with someone who is not good for does not make you a bad person. You are not obligated to stay with him. This is your life and so you are completely obliged to choose what you do with it and who you share it with. The longer you allow this to go on, the worse things will end up being. Think about it, as time goes by his feelings grow stronger and stronger and you become more and more stressed. It’s about time you set both of you free.

From what I can see, this relationship is adding nothing to your life but stress and constant anxiety. Us girls have the best instincts – whenever our gut is telling us something it’s ALWAYS best that we listen. It’s one of our most blessed, prized qualities. And the fact that you know within yourself that he is not the one for you and the “relationship is not going anywhere” makes it clear that that’s exactly what you have to do – let him go. Not only for his sake but for yours too. I appreciate that you’re worried about his condition following the break-up. And I can relate to this. it makes things all the more difficult when you have a conscience and are a genuinely nice person concerned about the well-being of others. So perhaps you can offer him the option of friendship if you worry he will have no one else to talk to. Occasionally check up on him but always ensure that you keep a healthy distance. You must allow him time to heal and to move on. Never flirt with him or reminisce about old times because this will only tease him with a fantasy of you two eventually getting back together. This will create an unhealthy cycle that neither of you will ever be able to escape.

If friendship doesn’t seem to be working and is in fact making things worse then unfortunately you will have to cut off all ties completely. This sounds harsh and is never an easy thing to do but trust me, it’s for the best. Right now, he feels as if you are all he has and that he’ll never be able to get over you. But this isn’t true. His emotions will be heightened, and he’ll try to convince himself that he’ll never be happy and will never find love again. But trust me, he’ll get over it. We’ve all been in situations where we have complete faith that something will happen and are so sure of what the future holds. We’ve also all been let down and left thoroughly disappointed when things didn’t actually turn out the way we hoped they would. It’s a part of life and a massive part of being human. So really, he’ll get over it. He’ll find someone eventually and hopefully by that point he’ll be confident in himself and have learnt to view love as something positive and liberating, not something to control and obsess over.

Just from the few words you have shared with me I can tell that you’re an amazing, strong, driven and independent woman. You need someone who will help you thrive, not hold you back. Hell, you don’t even need anyone at all! His obsessive, possessive and manipulative behaviour is toxic and something you need to be free of ASAP. And trust me, our friends know all. When our friends don’t like the person we are seeing, 9 times out of 10 he has GAT TO GO! My best friend voiced her dislike of the person I was talking to from the very beginning. But of course, me being completely infatuated and in my own delusional world pushed her concerns to the side and continued down the same destructive path. And of course, what happened in the end? He ended up being a complete ass. So please take both mine and your friends’ advice – let him go. I appreciate it’s going to be hard but just remember I’ll always be here if you need further help getting through it. And gurl also remember… you are an Olympic athlete champion in the making! This is what deserves your complete focus and attention, not unhealthy and toxic relationships!

This sounds very similar to a situation I recently got out of. I spent months talking to a guy. First as friends but I quickly caught feelings and assumed that he felt the same way. We would spend hours talking to one another; confide in one another about serious, personal things but also had loads of funny moments where we laughed and shared many inside jokes. I genuinely liked this guy and my gut told me the feelings were mutual. But my mistake was assuming. I was never upfront with him about how I felt and it wasn’t until after 6 months of talking to him that I was hit with the cold, harsh truth. It turned out he didn’t like me after all and actually ended up being a bit of a dickhead. So much time, that I’ll never be able to get back, was wasted. It also hurt all the more because I had spent so much time building up this fantasy of us eventually being together, only for it to come crashing down in the span of 10 minutes.

So that is the number one thing I advise you to do: TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL! The fact that you are unsure about how she feels tells me that you haven’t had this conversation with her yet. Trust me, I know being upfront and honest about your feelings is a scary thing. It’s why I avoided doing it for so long. It makes you feel vulnerable and you worry that you’ll lose the person you care about and that you’ll “ruin” things. But I can’t stress enough how necessary it is. This could either go one of two ways. The first way is of course what we all hope for – she’ll tell you she feels the same way and you’ll end up being together. But then of course, there’s the other way. She’ll tell you she just sees you as a friend. Rejection is never an easy thing. But the quicker the band aid is ripped, the quicker the wounds will heal. And always try to view rejection as redirection. She wasn’t the one for you, and yes this may initially hurt, but there’s someone out there who is. There’s someone for everyone.

But there’s also an in between. She might say something along the lines of: “I like you, but things are really complicated right now/it’s not a good time… let’s just see where things go.” This might sound appealing in the moment because it seems like she’s promising you a relationship at some point in the future. But please don’t fall for this trap. Trust me, as a girl, I can tell you that when we like a guy, we’ll make it very obvious. It’s impossible for us to hide it. We either like you, or we don’t. It’s either a yes or a no. If when you tell her how you feel she doesn’t make it abundantly clear that she likes you too, please take this as your cue to move on. It’s going to hurt a lot – trust me, I know. But don’t let the sadness consume you because you’ll soon find someone who shows you that they like you and will never make you question how they feel.

Please, please, PLEASE do not send her any money. I made the mistake of doing this and I really don’t want you to do the same. Although you like her you have to realise the fact that you are not her boyfriend. So don’t give her the luxury of acting as if you are. This will eventually make her comfortable and soon she’ll start taking advantage of you, maybe without even realising it. You deserve better than this. Also, you may try to convince yourself that you want to send it to help her, just to be a nice person because you care about her. This might be partly true, but for the most part you are secretly hoping that by sending her money this will make her like you more and realise that you’re an amazing person and will be the perfect boyfriend. But you can’t buy someone’s love. And more importantly it’s not your money that makes you valuable. She should see that with or without money you are an incredible, caring person and well if she doesn’t…her loss!

If you do end up sending her money and in the end you two don’t end up together you’re going to feel used and it’ll make getting over her even harder. Trust me…I’ve been there. It’s not a nice feeling.

Hi all! I am starting up an advice blog because I want to be a source of comfort to anyone out there who might not have a person they can confide in or just needs a few kind words from a stranger. I wanted to offer whatever advice I could on whatever situation you may be in, big or small. But also at the end of the day know that I am not a licensed professional and major problems you do have I will always first recommend seeing someone who can offer you professional aid and support, and then offer my advice to avoid making anyones situation worse than it already is. I would love if I could help anyone in any way that I can! Anything is welcome, and I have anonymous asks activated so everything you do send will be and always will stay private💕

🌸Possible topics you could send for help if you need inspiration:🌸

-Love life

-School/work

-Friendship

-Family

-Sexuality 

-Appearance and self-confidence

-Trauma and mental health

-Financial trouble

-Anything at all!💕

I hope I can help you in anyway that I can! Please share so I can help as many people as possible!