The Lost Art of Keeping Secrets..

Does anyone know what to do about the temperature and also the prices

The core conceit of Lord of the Rings is pretty funny. You are a twenty three year old in a suburb of Maine. The little bracelet in your grandpa’s attic has an inscription on it that is the password to the world’s entire nuclear arsenal. It is up to you to walk to the only hydraulic press in the world, located in Arizona, before the FBI finds the bracelet, kills you, and enslaves the suburb of Maine you currently live in

Also the 90-year old hobo that your grandpa beat in a rap battle for possession of the bracelet while hiding from the Romanian secret police really loved the bracelet because it was coated in small amounts of LSD and tried to hunt and kill your grandpa to get it back. He was then apprehended by the FBI and instantly gave them your grandpa’s address. Seal Team Six is about to break down your door and shoot you, says your local congressman who can also do cool magic tricks

There's a guy in NY who MIGHT be capable of destroying the codes but won't coz he simply wants to spend time with his wife. So it's up to your grandpa's old friend in rural Ohio to get you the friends capable of finishing the task.

And we must not, at any point, remember the existence of aircraft and ask aloud why we can't just fly to Arizona

The aircraft are all under the command of the Australian government, which has declared that the nuclear arsenals are not their problem and that no aircraft will help anyone out with that problem. Your grandfather did fly with the bracelet one time, but he only got away with that because no one involved knew what the bracelet was and it would have been a huge deal if anyone had realized what was up. If you charter a flight towards the world's only hydraulic press, the Australians will know and throw lightning at the plane.

You can't fly to Arizona because the FBI has a massive radar installation located right next to the hydraulic press, and part way through the story Seal Team Six gets upgraded to also being fighter pilots.

This is perfect

being on tumblr is just cozy... you know what i mean? instagram and twitter is all flashy and loud but tumblr is as cozy as my bedroom with scented candles on a cold November night

Moose at the next table: No they don't. I've been waiting here for an hour.

The fact of the matter is that I do not want to do it

"do what?" you might wonder. well. [gestures broadly]

@alltheshit-althetime

THE ONLY CHRISTMAS POST I DON’T BLOCK

dancer is my life

YES HERE IT IS, JUST IN THE SAINT NICK OF TIME

Oh my goodness, a real heritage post!

You’re going to get a cavity

good

One hour and half done. That’s impressive That takes real skill and perseverance

Please. Please don’t bring this back.

‘Tis the season.

It’s November

TO BE JOLLY

I’ve tasted Satan’s asshole and it tasted like 3 hours of mint

Y’all can’t forget this for like one year can you

fuck no

@hellsite-hall-of-fame

@theshitpostcalligrapher can you do satan’s asshole tasting like mint pls

I love asking friends, without context, "what are you really into this week?" I'll go first. this week I'm really into mouthwash and sudoku. Last week I was into peaches.

we used to be a society on here!! reblog, don't like! I want to hear what you're into!!! I'm literally looking into the nyt game Pips!!!

getting lost in boston is fun because I turned around on a street corner three times and some guy yelled "hey stupid! the bus is that way!" very helpful interaction and accurate insult, 10/10 no notes

one time I walked around a building a couple times looking for a bathroom and this guy went "this bitch thinks she's on a merrygoround, where the fuck are you tryna go? bathroom? one floor down to the right behind the door that says bathroom."

My very first time in Boston. I was absolutely miserable, trying to drag my giant suitcase up a lengthy set of stairs in the pouring rain. This guy who had already reached the top looked back at me with the most pure expression of disgust I’ve ever seen in anyone’s eyes, marched back down the stairs, grabbed my suitcase, carried it to the top, left it there for me, and walked away without ever saying a word. I think about him often.

I need like, another 100 angry helpful Boston stories, they heal me. For some reason.

i know most leftists agree that everybody should have a right to food, water, shelter, and healthcare but i think a vitally important fifth pillar is privacy. people should not be compelled to be tracked, monitored, or to share personal space with others to access their other essential rights

Superman isn't woke. You're just so evil that you see a man doing acts of kindness and you think it's a targeted political agenda