A Young Woman’s Account Of College

I have not looked at this blog for over a year, but I stumbled across it again and decided to update anyone who might care.

I’m now a junior! The pandemic hit right during my spring semester of freshman year. I had all of sophomore year in quarantine while I absolutely struggled in accounting. I also watched the friend group I made during freshman year disregard COVID protocols and honestly act like entitled spoiled brats. I don’t talk to them anymore…

In other news, I got promoted at my job that I started right before the pandemic! I also decided to minor in women’s studies.

While I am only in week 2 of junior year, I am enjoying my classes and actually understand my accounting classes!

My main focus this year is to get an internship for summer next year.

Wow, time really flies by. My entire sophomore year doesn’t really feel like it happened and while I definitely have matured, I still feel like a freshman going into her spring semester.

Last time I wrote on this blog I was a bright eyed 19 year old, now I’m 21. A lot has gone down, but good or bad it has definitely made me into the person I am now, who I quite like. Well, I hope you all are having a great year!

So I talked to my aunt and law school is expensive. She advised that I should pick an undergrad major that has a good job security prospect because law school is scary expensive and I’ll need a backup if things go wrong. She also emphasized the fact that I would have to go into corporate law to pay back my debt. I don’t want to go into corporate law. I honsteky think I’m better off staying in accounting because I see it as more economically secure and fulfilling than what law has become.

To be honest, I think this whole changing my major ordeal was spurred on thanks to how horrible this month has been for me and my mental health.

I honestly think I should think about my issues with accounting, but I think I can push past them and flourish in this field. The work market honestly sucks and if I have to be miserable a lot of the time, I would rather be miserable with just some debt instead of miserable with a lot of debt working in corporate law.

Being a college student is stressful and thinking about my future, pisses me off because nothing looks happy and I can’t even plan ahead because of how volatile everything is.

So I’ll continue being an accounting student. I’ve already changed my schedule back to what it was and I emailed the kind advisor I was talking to to please change my degree back to what it was.

I’m going to begin by telling you a story. A long time ago, my mother went to college and pursued a double degree in phsychology and English. I don’t know if she was fully set on being a phsychologist, but I do know it was her first choice career-wise. Until she took statistics for phychology. This stats class killed my mom, and when she found out this would be a main component of phychology, she quit this path and became a professor. Around 30 or so years later, history is repeating itself.

I have never loved math, but I haven’t hated it completely. I’m pretty good at algebra and I’m very analytical. When I began to figure out what I wanted to be career wise, I landed on accounting because its a safe career choice and I read that it wasn’t “hard” math. My thoughts of being a lawyer, doctor, or political analyst quickly went away due to a combination of fear of the competitiveness of the fields and the fact that I cannot deal with blood and guts.

So I went to college, I declared a major in accounting and hoped for the best. Up first, business stats. This class has made me experience daily mental breakdowns for over a month. I am spending around 10 hours a week on homework alone for this class. I have also begun to question how much I actually want to do accounting. The actual accounting class has gone well, but I seriously began to question if I could do this for the rest of my life. I came to the conclusion a few days ago that I can’t. Yes, stats is only one class, but the overarching idea that complex math actually makes me miserable is not a good thing when it’s your career choice.

I have also come to the realization that I do not want to be miserable in my job for a large portion of time. And I feel that being an accountant would make me too miserable. With that being said, I’ve decided to do what I’ve been thinking about since I was a child: going into law. I feel that I posses the qualities of a good lawyer, and that I can do more good in the world as one than as an accountant. I’ve decided to change my major to history, something that I absolutely love, and push for law school. My aunt and uncle are lawyers and I will be talking to them to get their expertise. I am also reading a book recommended by my aunt about a first year law school experience.

Law will be hard. I have never been the best at logic problems and it will be extremely competitive and stressful. I will regret my decision many times, but I think over all I will enjoy being a lawyer more than being an accountant.

So I will now push hard to become better at logic games, get good grades (because gpa is really important to law school), and research more about my new path.

I am incredibly excited about my future, which has been a first this past couple of weeks where I have been completely unmotivated with school.

My next step is to talk to an advisor about changing my major, talking about the pre-law program at my school, and re-registering for classes.

I honestly have no idea why I’m writing this. It’s 12 am in the morning and I should be alseep. But this has been bothering me for days now and I need to get it off my chest. I’m a baby gay who just started her first year in college.

And I’m super lonely. I want to have a girlfriend. A girlfriend who loves me as much as I love her. Someone who I can cuddle with and who I can talk to. Someone who cares about me as much as I care about them, and who’ll just hold me when I’m sad. I’ve watched dozens of girls who I’ve been attracted to, turn around and date other people.

And at this point I’m terrified that no one likes me back because they don’t like me. Like I’m the problem. Not the fact that they’re straight or not ready for a monogamous relationship, but that no one likes me at all. That I’ll be alone for the rest of my life.

I know it’s a stupid fear, but it’s a fear. And for some dumb reason, I want to put it out on the internet.

I was planning to make a debrief after the first week of school, but I completely forgot. And now we’re here! Time flys when you’re having fun/busy. But for real, I’m having a great time. While the people I began to hung out are different than I’m used to, they’ve become my friends, and I’m very greatful for it. I’m never lonely (which I’m overjoyed to know) and I’ve made experiences that I’m happy to have had. Stepping out of my comfort zone has been great, so far. While I haven’t made a best friend I can completely trust, like in high school. These people are overall really great and I’m thankful that I’m part of the group.

The homesickness has almost gone away and I’m happy to know I can always go home when it gets really bad for the weekend. This happened last weekend when I just wasn’t feeling good. But I had a nice cry and feel much better now! I’ve learned that making time for self care and having some nice alone time at night is good for me. No staying up until the early morning with friends during the week day. I try to disconnect from the group at 10 and have a few hours to sit in bed and watch movies until bedtime.

I’ve also made a health change. I spent an embarrassing few weeks only eating from the unhealthy bar of food (fries, burgers, wraps, etc) and it was definitely showing. This week I’ve made the choice to eat from the healthier places and only having the less unhealthy food on the weekend when the only place open is the diner. I am also buying bags of lettuce (and hopefully different kinds of veggies in the future) to add with my meals. I’m also working out 5 times a day which has been feeling great! I even decided to get protein powder and have protein shakes after working out because I kind of want to get buff. I’ll keep you updated about that.

Classes are doing great so far and all my teachers like me. I was told in class a few days ago to please stop talking while the teacher was talking (which was the first time) so I need to work on not having side conversations that are loud. After that, I’m doing well academically and feeling very confident.

My only issue is my eye sight is getting really bad. And because I’ve been reading a lot for classes, I’ve really noticed. I have an eye appointment this weekend and I’m going to ask about lasick because I really want good eye sight.

Friday:

First off, my home sickness went away pretty quickly after the first day. My main fear was making friends. It was scary because I was seeing friend groups solidify around me. And every time I did talk to someone, the connections only lasted one conversation, it felt like every session of socializing, I was starting off from the bottom with no connections. At the same time, my orientation group was very anti social and it felt like no one wanted to connect at all. The connection leaders who were leading the session also seemed not to be interested and had a hard time getting anyone to talk. Things got better after I attended my business school orientation. I felt like I was finally around people of like minded individuals and I even was able to connect with someone who will be sharing a class with me! I had a long conversation with my mom about my fears of not making friends and how I was hoping joining clubs would be my answer. And while the conversation was good, I was seriously feeling lonely. At dinner that day, with no expectations of eating with anyone, I was happily invited by a connection leader but horrifying said no because I was so surprised. As I was berating myself, someone in my business orientation group asked me to sit with them! I was able to connect with them and someone who I had met in my orientation group! I also was able to connect with the connection leaders who had invited me first and international students so as a whole, I felt pretty good! This was a great reminder that I need to work on not shutting down opurtunites and to be open to any suggestion (if it is safe).

Saturday:

I started off Saturday back with no semblance of friends. The business person I had connected with before, was a commuter, so she didn’t attend the rest of the events. At the same time, I was feeling like no one wanted to be friends with me and every time I tried, they never tried back. It was seriously exhausting and scaring me. The event of volunteering did not help this feeling, all the connection leaders didn’t even trying to connect with any of the freshmen, who began to group off and shut people out of their groups. There was also too many volunteers, so I spent a very lonely 30 minutes waiting. I was seriously miserable by then and even thought of just leaving until one of the connection leaders talked to me! She was super nice and a part of the student gov. So we were able to have a really nice conversation! I was also able to get a volunteering job and talked to a couple more connection leaders. I realized that these people were just exhausted from working all the time (for three weeks straight!) and many’s go-to-response was to conserve their energy by not engaging with the freshman and sticking to the people they knew. I was feeling a little better but dredding my freshman study group meeting. This study group has three classes together in the first semester and hopefully will connect with each other. I was under the impression that the orientation group (that I hated) would be my freshman group so I was completely relieved when I was proven wrong. I was especially happy when I connected with two extroverts! We were able to connect with being all politically same and having other similar interests. And when they all went to get coffee at a cafe near by, I (remembering the day before) jumped at the chance and was able to have a nice connecting time with a nice group for people. While I felt a little third wheely at times, I still enjoyed hanging out with these two extroverts and had a lot of fun meeting all the people they knew! They even amassed a big group of happy people (including yours truly) who played card games and had fun into the early morning! All in all, it was an amazing day that brought a lot of hope.

Sunday:

I found all my classes and explored the campus with the only person I had connected with during that disastrous orientation group. It was super fun and I think we both had a lot of fun in each other’s company. I was expecting a quiet day, but I was able to connect with the extroverts from before where we, with a group of many from the night before laughed and connected more. This happy conversation was cut short with one getting sick and having to go to urgent care. But I was able to have dinner with some of the other people in the group which was really nice. I was also able to connect more with my roommate while we wrote up our roommate agreement, which was really nice!

I’m a little worried about food. While the main course prices are ok, the salads are pretty expensive and I don’t know how to find how much money I have left on my meal plan. I really want to eat healthily so I might have to just shell out more money than I thought or figure out a different eating schedule. I also have not given up on making friends by joining clubs, but it’s super nice to have a group of people who might become good friends some day! I also have to continue to be open to new connections and not shut down. Making friends lasts forever!

All in all, I can’t believe it’s the night before school starts. Part of me is excited for school, while the other part has really enjoyed this summer camp-esque environment with no real stress.

So on to new adventures and thanks to the ones that went before!

First things first, I have serious home sickness. I have probably the best relationship with my mom ever and my home life is one of the healthiest that I know. I also have abandonment issues and anxiety over too many changes happening at once. So me going to college, making new friends, getting into clubs, doing well academically, AND having to move away from my mom and my home; it’s been a lot. I haven’t cried all this month about moving out (while my mom has many times) but I have cried over 5 times today and even had a panic attack. The move in itself was smooth and, while she is shy and a little awkward, my roommate is nice and I think our relationship will be good. But having to go home (because we had so much time between events) and seeing my pets, made the water works go off on full blast.

My school is residential and commuter hybrid, so I could have easily been a commuter, but outside pressure (and me not knowing my mom would be totally ok with me commuting) made me decide residential. So finding out today that I could have not had all the pain of today, was pretty hard. It’s also gloomy and rainy outside (which I do not like) so it’s been a rough day.

I talked to the RA who is super nice, but would sea-saw from “follow your heart and be a commuter and stay a resident”, which made me feel both better and worse. After a lot of crying and me not having an appetite all day, I’ve decided to see how being a resident is for one semester and then do a self check in before fall break begins to see if I want to commute in the spring. This makes breaking my housing contract way easier and I get to have the resident experience! I’ll only move out sooner if I feel truly unsafe: like I did today, before I talked it through.

In conclusion, I think I’ll be perfectly fine, I’m just going through a lot of past trauma that has resurfaced with being torn away from my mom and the normal feeling of homesickness.

Hello!

I expect that this blog, like so many, will stay in complete obscurity. There, only for me to look back on. But if anyone is here, hello! Let me introduce myself.

I am a 19 year old Asian female who lives in the Midwest and is going to college for Accounting. I am studying accounting because I like keeping people accountable and I feel like keeping people ethical with money is extremely important. To that end, I hope to go into auditing and maybe work in the FBI as a forensic accounting or special agent in accounting. Of course, I haven’t actually taken auditing yet, but I believe (egotistically) that I’ll be good at it, and hopefully enjoy it. I also have chosen accounting because I see it as a job that I will enjoy, and is stable with good job security. I also hope to minor is history, a subject that I love, and wished was a profitable subject to build a career in. Personality wise, I am a charismatic introvert: I love to talk, and am very socialable when the introductions are over, but I’m not natural in making introductions. Finally, I was part of a dual enrollment program in hischool, which allowed me to be a full time college student in a local community college for my junior and senior year of high school. Which means, not only did I graduate with an associates degree and high school diploma, I have a sense to what college life is like. Not the living on campus part, but what the teachers are like and what to expect in the classroom.

With my brief biography done, I would like to lay out what I hope to accomplish in my first semester of freshman year.

1. Make friends! I’m super nervous about this goal, but I hope that if I’m just myself and open to communicate and not shut down, I’ll be ok.

2. Get good grades! I’ve always been a straight A student. So when I start to struggle, I want to be prepared to bounce back well and evolve my studying techniques that have worked so far.

3. Be a part of clubs! I hope to join the accounting club, a polical club (maybe young democrats), a history club, and the LGBTQ club. I also would love to become a peer mentor. I’ve had troubles in the past with staying committed to clubs, either life got in the way and I wasn’t able to participate or people inside the club kicked me out. I hope these commitment issues can be resolved in college.

4. Be healthy in college! I would love to finally have a body that I love, which means eating healthily and exercising regularly. I have already made a weekly workout schedule for myself, which I am really excited to begin! And I’m hoping a variety of food and a budget in college will help me eat healthily without getting too bored with fruits and veggies. I would love to experience the freshman 15 of losing weight!

5. Being open to new experiences. If they’re not illegal or something that I have a bad feeling about, I willtry to say yes and at least try them out!

And I think that’s it! I’m one day from move in day, which will then be followed by welcome weekend, so I’ll probably post a debrief in a few days.

Finally, my hope for this blog is a place for me to document my college experience and be able to look back on these posts with happy memories. If I can help future college hopefuls or bored internet surfers, then that will just be a cherry on top.