A Bilateral

Guy with improbably specialised skills that just happen to be exactly what's needed

Guy who knows a guy

Guy who's normal about things about which it's not normal to be normal

Guy who has no frame of reference

Guy who should technically be dead, and it's honestly an excellent question why he's not

Guy who's a big fan of substances

Guy who puts together sequences of words that have never been heard before and should never be heard again

Guy who's inexplicably always damp

Guy who's the most annoying human being you've ever met, but like in a sexy way

Guy with no kids who somehow has single father energy

Guy who's competent, collected, and thoroughly put together, and who also has one extremely specific thing wrong with him

Guy with fat fucking tits

2. Eleven

3. Grant

4. The Whole-Thing

5. Lucifer Vance, but also Grant if you think about it.

6. Grant

7. Azad

8. O(3) Shade [nonverbal scratching noise]

9. Hector Stein

10. Lucifer

11. Michael, Hector

Like you get a text from your dog going "END IS HERE DOOM IS COMING URGENT URGENT SEND TEXT G-D HAVE MERCY, HUMAN COME HOME IMMEDIATELY", (you have no idea why the text translator has decided that your dog is jewish, but that doesn't feel important enough to look into or change) and before you do, you text the cat like "what's going on?"

And the cat replies "sunshine is turned off, window is cold >:C" so okay that's a clue. You've got a monitor lizard that doesn't do much monitoring, but will reply with whatever the lizard is feeling right now if you text "?" first.