Did I Shave My Legs For This?

For nearly a decade, the way I have always found peace is through my group fitness classes. This community continues to show me love, loyalty, guidance and appreciation. And I reciprocate all of those feelings immensely. With what is happening in the state of the world, the atmosphere has changed drastically, but the sentiments of the teachings have not. Through these trying times, I have found solace in continuing what is important to me through different virtual venues. 

With that, I have had the opportunity to donate to important organizations through what brands like Barrys (donating 100% of its earnings this weekend to BLM organizations), SoulCycle (the love of my life), AARMY (hosting classes on IG live with live donation options), Peloton (donating $100 for every rider that takes the 11am class tomorrow) and the likes are offering. And I’m so grateful for that. 

The thing I think needs to be said is that what these trainers, instructors, coaches, CEO’s, c-suite executives, staff, etc are offering deserves so much praise and respect right now. 

I will never forget the day after the last election. We were all in an immense amount of pain and despite that, leaders in the fitness world stepped up and made us feel better, regardless of what they were going through themselves. And they’re doing it again. 

Through a pandemic, through this imperative black lives matter movement, through incredible sadness, they are stepping up and affecting change through health, love, motivation, care and concern. They are putting their own feelings aside to ensure we are taken care of. Again. And without pause.

My heart, my love, my adoration, my trust, my gratitude and my genuine appreciation goes out to every person that has ever taught a class I’ve taken. I will continue to donate. I will continue to do fucking burpees, I will continue to remain loyal to your cause. And I love you. With all of my heart. 

Abby

The bios for this seasons’ Bachelor contestants went live today and I just can’t help myself. My justification for this round is that ABC is finally back to giving me what I want... more than just a “job” title and an age. Yep, this season we are getting the full on, horribly written bios. Which means I have so much more to work with. 

Alayah (unsure of pronunciation) 

After failing 3 times before, Alayah (unsure of pronunciation) was finally crowned Miss Texas this year. And she really likes talking about it. The Bachelor franchise interns that wrote this bio also added a teaser that, “familiar faces” might resurface proving that Alayah (unsure of pronunciation) is batshit, and like, we already had this drama with Caelynn and Hannah last season, so no thank you. She claims her favorite social media platform is Reddit and I hope we learn that she goes deep on Reddit conversations about romantic relationships with wildlife animals, or something.  

 Avonlea (not a real name)

Cattle Rancher by day, runway model by night, Avonlea (not a real name) shares that every time she milks one of her cows, she thanks it for its hard work. That would be like me kissing my laptop any time I finished a press release. Except less strange. She also claims that in her spare time she likes snuggling up by the fire to listen to a good audiobook and I’m interpreting this as an admission that she can’t read.  

Alexa (can you not start fights this season? Get it, that’s an Alexa joke)

Alexa wants us to know that she decided to move to Chicago during a game of heads or tails, and I’m assuming that’s to make us think she’s adventurous and up for anything, but her hometown is Springfield, Ill. and when I Google map the distance between the two cities, it’s a three hour drive. I made the decision to move 3,000 miles away over a mid-day FaceTime with my boss and have never included that in a bio when looking for love. She’s going to require a lot of attention and I’m already annoyed. 

Courtney

Courtney is proud to be a Florida girl, “through and through” which isn’t something anyone should find pride in. She has had a lot of plastic surgery, but is wearing a cross necklace over a mock turtleneck tank top in her Bachelor photo which means she’s boring to talk to, but makes up for it generously in the bedroom. 

Deandra

Why are all of these women from Texas? Was it the last place on the audition city tour? Anyway, Deandra describes herself as an “independent, intelligent” woman, which translates the same way as when a guy describes himself as “funny” on a dating app... no way it’s true. She is a self-proclaimed “famers market aficionado” and that’s not a thing. 

Eunice (also not a name, but could be an allergy medication)

Eunice (also not a name, but could be an allergy medication) really wants to rid herself of the party girl reputation but when asked her favorite country, she responded with “Greece” because she can knock back ouzo like it’s water, so she’ll be the first to chug a bottle of champagne and make a bad joke about Peters cockpit. Kind of like I did in the title of this post. 

Hannah Ann (I really hate when people have two first names)

Hannah Ann (I really hate when people have two first names) looks like she was on a show on the WB called “Teenage Darkness” that was canceled after one season and likely could have been as she still lives at home with her parents. Her “home” (room at her parents) is decorated with artwork that she painted herself. The background on my phone is a picture of me, so I have no room to judge. But I am. 

Jade 

Like 80% of the other contestants, and The Bachelor himself, Jade is a flight attendant. Unlike other flight attendants, Jade claims she is afraid of heights. What a risk taker. She is also a mormon and was divorced at age 22 so there’s a lot to unpack here. No travel pun intended.  

Jasmine

In a single paragraph, we learn that Jasmine wants a guy that can do the impossible (bring her Chick-Fil-A on a Sunday), build her a table, give her babies (but not until they’ve traveled the world together) and doesn’t play video games. Pretty specific list of “musts” from a guy who wears a bandaid on his forehead and gets off to windmills. 

Jenna

I feel like Jenna and Peter are this seasons Ben H. and Lauren B. He’ll fall hard, but wonder if she’s too quiet and reserved and she’ll spend a lot of time telling him she’s super fun while actually being incredibly boring. She has a pet goldfish named George, the most boring name on the planet, and she believes that George, her pet goldfish, gives great advice. That’s all the proof I need to validate my assumptions.

Kiarra

She is a self-proclaimed social butterfly who loves shopping, fashion, style and social media. So she’s here for the Fab, Fit, Fun + Fit Tea Instagram deals. 

Katrina 

Katrina has a hairless cat (her words, not mine) that she does everything with. She claims that she dressed up like her hairless cat for Halloween and I need to see what that looks like. Or maybe I don’t. The cat is named after her favorite Disney princess and at age 28 I don’t think someone should have a favorite Disney princess. Her mom is worried about her biological clock ticking and I think she should be more concerned that Katrina brings her “hairless cat” with her to birthday parties. 

Kelley

Kelley needs a man to take care of her, and her most recent relationship was an “international long distance” lover that paid for her to go to Jordan to see him once or twice a month. So, she had a sugar daddy. She decided to end it because she “couldn’t see herself moving to the Middle East”. Which reads, she found out she was on The Bachelor and had to call it off... for now. She has been to 26 countries, so I’m guessing Mr. Jordan wasn’t her first SD. 

Kelsey

Kelsey is a “professional clothier” in Iowa and that’s not a real thing. She claims she’s had relationship issues in the past but Pilates cured that right up. She says she’s not looking for drama, which means she will cry a lot this season. I hope it doesn’t ruin that spray tan and smokey eye look.  

Kylie 

Kylie is an entertainment sales associate in Santa Monica, which means she probably passes out fliers for nightclubs on the Santa Monica Promenade during the day and is a bottle service girl in Hollywood at night, in hopes that she will be “discovered”. She is looking for that “rom-com kind of love” which translates to auditioning for The Bachelor and then dating in the franchise pool for press when it doesn’t happen with Peter. 

Lauren

The most important part of Lauren’s bio is that she conducts exit interviews with all of her exes to find out what went wrong. Imagine that. Your boyfriend comes over to break up with you and you’re like, “I understand. Are you free Thursday between 1 - 2 so I can document when you became unhappy in this role and why? Want to make sure the next person we hire (I date) doesn’t face the same challenges” and him responding with, “Oh yea, totally. See you at 1:30, Thursday.” I’m pretty sure if I called an ex and asked for a SWOT analysis on our relationship he would say, “Abby, this is exactly the reason things didn’t work out.”  

Lexi

Lexi would rather be buried alive than trapped in a room full of frogs. That’s it. The thought of being buried in the ground, alive and breathing, is more appealing to her than being in a room of small amphibians for a short amount of time. Sounds like a ball of fun.

Madison

Madison really wants you to know that she loves basketball. She would even rather rock a pair of Jordan’s (I think those are basketball shoes) than heels. She also loves Jesus. A lot. And if Peter doesn’t, it will be a technical foul for their love. Sports jokes, am I right? 

Maurissa (not how you spell Marissa)

Maurissa (not how you spell Marissa) broke up with her long-term boyfriend, moved to Atlanta and lost 80 pounds. She will be the one that works out in the morning instead of having a mimosa with the other girls. She says if she hits it off with Peter right away, she plans on going hard, so she’ll be the one to steal him away during every other conversation. She’ll probably make him feel her newfound biceps, too.

Megan

Another flight attendant joins the season. This one has aspirations of visiting Zion which is literally a 5 hour drive from San Francisco, where she lives. Dream big, Megan. I see her making it to hometowns and since her mom is her best friend, she’s going to put Peter through the ringer which will be very difficult for their relationship. Do you think I’ve watched a season or two of this show? Megan also looks like a hybrid of every Bachelorette this franchise has ever had. 

Mykenna

Mykenna is barely out of college and has only been in one relationship, so this will be tough for us all to endure. She is a fashion blogger which isn’t a real job, from Canada, who has a BHAG of starting a charity. For what, we don’t know. Her grandfather proposed to her grandmother after their first date. All of this wrapped up in one person means a lot of tears will be shed. 

Natasha

An event planner from New York (who in New York isn’t an event planner?) Natasha loves her legs and her back because she has a cross and a dagger tattoo there. What do you think inspires someone to get a cross and a dagger tattooed on their legs all the way up to their back? Real question. 

Payton (not how you spell this name) 

1. “Payton (not how you spell this name) is the type of woman who goes into a bar alone and leaves with 100 new best friends”. No she doesn’t. 

2. Payton (not how you spell this name) found out she had a fifth sibling, “thanks to some serious Facebooking”. No she didn’t. 

3. Payton (not how you spell this name) currently lives in her parents’ basement. That explains why she included 1 + 2 in her bio. 

Sarah

I put my thousands of hours watching every iteration on this show that Sarah is in the final three. She is the Whitney B. of Chris Soules’ season. Like, exactly. Job in medicine, sweet looking blonde, thoughtful and targeted responses to bio questions... calling it now. 

Savannah

Savannah has done her research on what makes Bachelor Nation contestants famous, post show. She claims she enjoys shopping at Revolve, a brand that thrives on leveraging former suitresses as influencers. See: JoJo, Kaitlyn, Hannah G., Caelynn, Caila and other misspelled names from Bachelor seasons past. Her indulgence is Vampire Facials, a trend also posted to IG stories from the aforementioned. She refers to herself as the “turtle princess” and I hope that means what I desperately need it to mean. 

Shiann

In her bio, she claims her dating history includes men with wives, men that ghost her and men that like her friends more than they like her. Sounds like Las Vegas (where she lives) to a tee. She will not make it past night one. 

Sydney

Sydney is coming onto the show with a broken heart. Her favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day and her hobbies including planning fantasy vacations for her and her unknown future husband. She will absolutely come out of the limo with a cupcake and a poorly written poem for Peter, that he won’t remember. 

Tammy

Tammy wanted so desperately to be on the mens wrestling team in high school, that when they told her no, she just showed up to all of their practices until they let her...wrestle. She will be interrupting one-on-one time when she’s not supposed to and show up to Peters hotel room unannounced more than once this season. Tammy also has a vanity license plate and the combination of all of this is just too much for me to think about.

Victoria F. (apparently there is more than one Victoria this season) 

She wants it to be known that she likes a man that cries in public and I already do not relate. She also responded to her bio questions with run on sentences so again, I do not relate. Good luck, Victoria F.  

Victoria P. (the second Victoria it seems)

I’m fairly certain I’ve seen Victoria P. in a porn, but either way, she leads with losing her father at a young age, her mother and sister struggling with drug addiction and her boyfriend cheating on her, but she states that nothing upsets her more than finding raisins in her cookies. Like, despite it all, dried grapes really piss Victoria P. off. Priorities. 

I don’t really like change (or a lot of other things) but in the last month there have been an overwhelming amount of unexpected and big “news” for me. Like the adorable dress I’m wearing today.

Last month, I made a trip to see my fam. It was a quick weekend jaunt but there were several moments throughout where I caught myself thinking, “okay, I need to be closer to ‘home’” (home in quotes because I’ve lived in about 9 billion places so I usually have no idea where home is). It just so happened that I had been offered a job with bicoastal offices New York and my lease in LA was up at the end of July, so I made a whirlwind of a decision to pack up and move (back) across the country with the option to still be in LA when I wanted.

Well, a few things changed in the job opportunity and it quickly became apparent that it wasn’t a good fit for me. Like, at all. That being said, I was conflicted in what to do so I said, “fuck it” and decided to take the month of August to figure it out.

With my things already packed, I booked a ticket to North Carolina, asked the fam if I could hang at home for a month to decide what’s next and for the last two weeks that’s what I’ve been doing.

The first day I was in town, I emailed a local business owner and asked for a part time job because I knew I needed to get out of the house. And, like, money. The next Monday, I started that part time job and continued to do some freelance PR work. A few days later, I was introduced to the owner of a full service agency in Raleigh and we met for lunch. A week after lunch, that agency offered me a huge job. I accepted and today I started.

I am thrilled to be in charge of creating, building and expanding the PR practice at Walk West. Yep, back to that agency life. Also, #bossbitch.

I had absolutely no idea that any of this was going to happen -- and so fucking quickly -- but, here we are. Looking for a(nother) new apartment. 

The only thing missing is a SoulCycle up the street. (Hint, hint, Mel!) But, I will be back to celebrate the 8 year LA anniversary in February and New York is a short flight away. Also, Barry’s is on its way to Charlotte in 60ish days. But who’s counting?

I have said for like three years now I am done writing about this show, but the bios are just too damn fun to mock. So, here we are again. You’re welcome. 

Brian

They’re claiming he loves math so much that he is a teacher at the high school he went to. What that translates to is that he loves math so much he still lives in his mothers basement. The same one from high school. His favorite holiday is “Flag Day” which isn’t a real thing. 

Cam

He loves to be the “life of the party”, calls himself the “Dance Floor King”, can freestyle rap and play the harmonica. Basically what this means is that I will never attend a social event with Cam as he sounds like the actual death of the party. 

Chasen

Is that a real name? Chasen loves watching “The Bachelor” while drinking cocktails with his mom and has re-gifted Tiffany’s to his sister. I think Chasen would have more luck chasin’ the heart of a dude. 

Connor J. 

He says his biggest turn-off is a girl who gossips, which inevitably means he will be the first to run to Hannah with gossip because the people who say they hate gossip are the biggest gossips of them all. 

Connor S. 

Connor S. LOVES (all caps in bio, definitely not by me) Justin Bieber and listening and dancing to Spanish music, although he doesn’t speak the language. What this means to me is that he blasts “Despacito” and fucks up all of the lyrics. He does kind of resemble Luke Cafferty though... 

Daron

I feel like Daron was on FX’s “The People vs. OJ Simpson” and I just want to know what it was like to work with Sterling K. Brown. 

Devin

Devin is a talent manager who is good friends with a former “Bachelorette” suitor... so, I’m going to say Devin is here for the wrong reasons. I’m also curious if his haircut is intentional in this photo. I hope not. 

Dustin

I hope he put that he can beat anyone at Jenga so he can claim his pull-out game is strong because that’s my all time favorite pick-up line. Next to, “Nice shoes, wanna fuck?” 

Dylan

It says he is the co-founder of a fitness company that allows people to workout while donating food and this makes no sense to me. He also claims the majority of his friends are women and I’m going to guess that’s because he has a boat.  

Garrett 

Garrett is from Alabama and the date he mentioned involves football, so they’re just going to make out and yell, “Roll Tide” until he goes home for thinking Georgia has more romantic cities than Alabama. 

Grant

Grant is an actual asshole and quite proud of it. He has no interest in hearing about a workout or Instagram, so we’d totally get along. JK, he’d hate me. He also promises to call other men out this season who aren’t there for the right reasons. I see a two-on-one in his near future. See ya never. 

Hunter

A pro surfer living in California, still with his parents, that loves the water and wants to start a creative agency. What an enigma. 

Jed

How many singer/songwriters in Nashville do you think are named Jed? Jed is going to get out of the limo with his guitar and sing something stupid to Hannah. Calling it. 

Joe

His job title is, “The Box King” and I truly hope it is for the reason I want it to be. Joe has been to Vegas (from Chicago) four times this year so the box king enjoys gambling, strip clubs and pool parties. Yep, it means what I want it to. 

Joey

Honestly, I am shocked this guy isn’t a trainer. Look at him. Also he’s kind of old and boring to be on this show. 

John Paul Jones

Don’t even have to read further, I hate him. Then I read further to learn he requires you use all three of his names when addressing him AND he “rarely uses words that are less than three syllables long” so I actually hate him. Also, who fucking knows that about themselves? 

Jonathan

He claims he is the life of the party and we’ve already had another suitor claim that title, so, like -- life of the party-off? He also, “love sparklers” which seems like a weird thing to be passionate about. 

Kevin

Kevin seems like the kind of guy that has had at least two restraining orders filed against him. He wants to travel more but won’t go anywhere there isn’t a gym. Umm, I’m fairly certain cities all over the world offer hotels with a fitness center on-site, Kevin. 

Luke P.

This is definitely this seasons virgin. Maybe a “born again” virgin if that’s a real thing, but for sure a virgin of some sort. I feel like people who don’t have sex talk about sex more than people that do have sex. Relax.  

Luke S. 

Luke S. looks like the little kid in “Love Actually” who locks himself in his room because he is in love. He claims he looks like Nick Viall (he does not) and hit on Emily Ratajkowski, so he’s definitely not here for exposure. 

Matt Donald

Why are these men using more than one name? Also I won’t be able to look at him without singing, “Old Matt Donald” to the tune of “Old McDonald”. He claims he’s already in love with Hannah despite having not met her. We all know what happened to Shawn B., so things aren’t looking great for Old Matt Donald. 

Matteo

Um. "On the side” Matteo is a sperm donor with 114 children running around and I have so many questions. How does he know the number? How many times has he been intimate with himself and a cup? Why? When money is tight, don’t most people just ask their family for help? Is this normal? Is there a term for someone whose hobby is to donate sperm? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE? 

Matthew

If Matthew wasn’t 23, I’d drive down to Newport tonight to meet him. What a dreamboat. 

Mike

Who was that guy on Kaitlyn’s season that was so arrogant and then he got down on his knee at MTA to apologize to all women? IAN! This is Ian reincarnate. Or rIANcarnate. 

Peter

He lives his life by thinking that simply by expecting good things to happen to you, they will. If that’s the case I’m expecting to win the lottery tomorrow and be a millionaire by Friday. 

Ryan

Ryan will be the first one this season to cry.

Scott

His bio is about as cliche as his name. He likes to day drink with his buddies, he acts like an asshole in public, he hits on waitresses when he’s drunk. If you’re looking for a “Scott” you can throw on a pair of short shorts and a cleavage-bearing tank top and head to your nearest rooftop bar. Scott will have a shot waiting for you. I promise. 

Thomas

Thomas played basketball over seas which I think means he played professional JV basketball. His nickname is “Mr. Fourth Quarter” and that doesn’t sound like something a man should brag about. 

Tyler C. 

There’s a lot to take in from Tyler. He has his MBA, but is using it in Jupiter, Fla.; He was drafted by the Ravens but couldn’t play because of a shoulder injury; He’s been in a serious relationship but it didn’t work out and now he’s on The Bachelorette. Tyler is the “almost made it” guy. Maybe he should be called “Mr. Fourth Quarter”. 

Tyler G. 

Tyler G. loves SoulCycle so much that he wrote it in his bio. I love you, Tyler G. However, he later admits that he adheres to a strict Keto diet, so like, let’s hit up a class, but I refuse to do brunch after. Ya know? 

The Bachelor bio’s have been published and I couldn’t help myself. Sadly, the bio’s are not what they once were (a rambling of responses to at least 8 of the questions asked during the audition process) and I’ve been forced to make judgements based on one or two terrible sentences. I have stayed true to only going off of what ABC gives me and haven’t stalked these women on IG yet but, alas -- here is this season’s Bachelor bio breakdown.  

ALEX B.

it is really hard to decide what feature on her face is the most shockingly large so I’m not sure what her bio even says. Tough start. 

ALEX D. 

A female Boston sports fan that talks fast is my actual worst nightmare. It also says she’s a “sloth” and that must be a new term for 23-year-olds because it doesn’t make sense. 

ANGELIQUE

If Angelique is 28, I’m Kendall Jenner.

ANNIE

Annie is going to have a thick southern accent and I don’t know which is more difficult to listen to -- a thick southern accent or a fast paced Boston accent. 

BRI

Bri is a “model from SoCal”, so what her bio actually means is: Her Instagram feed contains countless pictures of her probably in a bikini, pouting; she “hikes” Runyon for the perfect photo to filter and she expects to be taken to Big Bear. Aspen for the holidays. But, she’s totally down to earth because she admits she farts. 

CAELYNN

Why is her name spelled this way? A former beauty queen who they claim isn’t your typical beauty queen because she flew to Japan for a first date. Not sure having a sugar daddy makes you any different than other beauty queens, but what do I know? 

CAITLIN

There are a lot of women from Canada this season. Her bio is as boring as that observation.  

CASSIE

She’s blonde, lives at the beach and surfs. Such a rare find, I’d be wiling to bet she posts motivational quotes to the Internet on the reg. 

CATHERINE

When I first saw her photo, I thought, “What in the actual fuck?” and then I read she’s from Florida and it all made sense. Real estate agent by day, aspiring DJ by night. Could she be any more Floridian? With a face like that, the answer is no. 

COURTNEY

According to her bio, she creates healthy meal plans for athletes in Atlanta. I’m guessing this translates into her pushing a vegan delivery service on her separate “foodie” Instagram account while working a day job in sporting event ticket sales. 

DEMI

She is absolutely one of those girls who is very proud to claim, over and over, that she has more male friends than female friends because she, “gets along better with guys”.

 DEVIN

Devin looks like she really over annunciates her words. Especially those that start with “S”. 

ELYSE

She says that she enjoys good food and good wine and I can’t tell if she’s the kind of girl that knows what good food and wine is or if she makes reservations at Logan’s Steakhouse three weeks ahead and proudly orders a bottle of house Riesling. 

ERIKA

“Erika boasts that one of her talents is to eat whatever she wants without gaining weight.” Hey Erika... Fuck off. 

ERIN

Erin loves pumpkin spiced lattes so much that she felt the need to include it in her Bachelor bio. Enough said. 

HANNAH

Hannah looks like the main character in a Lifetime movie where she plays the mom of a high school cheerleader in Texas that kidnaps her daughters arch nemesis right before a big competition and locks her in the basement. 

HANNAH G. 

She is both the photographer and the model for her burgeoning social media business. So, she is a self-proclaimed Instagram model who is here for the inevitable “Fab, Fit, Fun” contract when she leaves the show. She also looks like she could be the other Hannah’s daughter in the Lifetime cheerleader movie.  

HEATHER

She’s 22, never kissed a boy and wears a cross necklace. Colton’s a virgin. Their conversations are sure to be the reason all viewers want to have sex immediately after watching.  

ADRIANNE “JANE”

I’m confused as to what this woman's name is. 

KATIE

Katie lives in the Valley and enjoys yoga and sushi. The only two things to do in the Valley. 

KIRPA

I’m sorry, what? Also, did you ever watch “Second Wives Club”? This girl looks like Shawna, the wife of Lorenzo Lamas whose daughter Shayne “won” the twelfth season of The Bachelor. I’m kind of convinced this is all a set up. 

LAURA

What does the term, “girl next door” even mean? I don’t think it works for women with enormous fake boobs, but it looks like ABC disagrees. 

NICOLE

“Coordinator” basically means glorified intern and she lives at home with her mama. Is she old enough for this ride? 

NINA

Well, we know who will have the strangest sob story this season. Good God. 

ONYEKA

She is the contestant that will over share about her parents being engaged after two weeks because it “means” that she believes in the process of The Bachelor.

REVIAN

She absolutely changed her name when she became an esthetician in LA to sound like she’s really up-to-date on high end beauty products when actually she passes out brochures on the promenade for a free first time facial.  

SYDNEY

She’s a professional NBA dancer that is going on national TV to fall in love. Maybe my stereotypes are off but that doesn’t seem legit.

TAHZJUAN

She quite literally, (correct definition of the word) has a tattoo that says, “I love bad ideas” so we know she’s honest... she is on The Bachelor. 

TAYSHIA

These women have to fill out pages upon pages of questionnaires to be selected for this show and the most exciting and original thing they could come up with is that she’s a woman in her twenties that enjoys wine tasting. 

TRACY

She moved from New York to be a celebrity stylist. Is she here for love or for a gig at E! when this is over? 

I know I said i was done with “The Bachelor” franchise but ABC announced the new suitors for the upcoming season and as I scrolled through their bios, I just cannot help myself.

In total transparency, I only watched the last couple of episodes of Arie’s season because his laugh is worse than Prince Farming’s and anyone with a nickname like, “Kissing Bandit” at the age of 86 is just weird. That being said, I don’t know much about Becca, but I would like to extend my sincere apologies because these guys are doozies.

ALEX

You know that episode of Friends when Ross gets a spray tan and keeps doing it wrong, so he ends up super orange? I feel like that’s what happened when this guy got his teeth whitened. Also, his biography reads, “(he enjoys) taking trips to the beach with his boat.” What does that mean? He grabs his boat and they walk to the beach together? He just puts his boat on the back of his car and takes it to the beach to hang?

BLAKE

What the fuck is a modern romantic? Also, dropping that you “excel” at sports before sharing that your secret talent is swing dancing is basically just coming out of the closet.

CHASE

Speaking of closets, this guy definitely has a few dead bodies hidden in his.

CHRIS

Wants to retire in his 40′s. Lazy is such a turn on.

CHRISTIAN

Why are his sleeves rolled up? Is that a short-sleeved sweater? Is his head the right size? A lot of questions here.

CHRISTON

What in the actual hell is a professional dunker? Seems made up, kind of like the spelling of his name.

CLAY

Of all of the things a person can put in their bio to explain themselves, he thought it was important enough to include that he doesn’t curse. Fuck this guy.

COLTON

If someone used to play a sport, are they required to talk about it? Also how is he a “lifelong football player” if he’s not playing football anymore? That makes no sense. This guy is the Ben Higgins of this season. Calling it now.

CONOR

Whenever I wear a button down shirt, my boobs pop the buttons open; looks like the same thing happened to Conor. And what does it mean that he “had the opportunity to play for the Braves”? They offered it to him and he said no? Pursuing his dream to teach a spin class in Florida felt like a better idea? I can’t really talk shit about someone who talks incessantly about fitness but, I bet he talks incessantly about fitness. Annoying.

DARIUS

He lives in the Valley and refers to himself by the town he is from. No, thank you.

DAVID

“He loves guacamole but hates avocados” -- this guy definitely laughs at his own bad dad jokes.

GRANT

Grant looks like he had his picture taken after a week-long bender. He told an electricity joke in his bio because, wait for it... he’s an electrician. How clever.

GARRETT

Garrett looks like someone I’d want to be friends with, but then I read that he does Chris Farley impressions. So he’s the opposite.

JAKE

If his poems are anything like his bio, they’re terrible. Also, “loves a good dance”. As opposed to what, a bad dance?

JASON

Admittedly likes to sing (loudly I imagine) Disney songs. That’s a big, “No, thank you” from me. Also, is he tall enough to go on this ride?

JEAN BLANC

I wasn’t sure if that was a serious name but then I read that he has an “impressive” cologne collection. I bet he makes people smell him. Ew.

JOE

Joe is my favorite and I want him to be the next Bachelor. I am not a huge fan of the word “ripe”, but we all have our flaws.

JOHN

If you Google, “What are dudes in San Francisco like” John’s bio would be the top search result.

JORDAN

I bet this guy calls himself an Instagram model. And means it. 

KAMIL

What the fuck is a social media participant? Would that make him and nine billion other strangers my colleagues?

LEO

Before I read his bio, I said out loud, “I bet he’s a stuntman or a yoga teacher” and now I’m worried I’ve been in LA too long.

LINCOLN

This guy says work brought him to Santa Monica so he probably bartends at The Bungalow. Also, serious question, why would someone from Nigeria name their kid after Abraham Lincoln?

MIKE

Mike loves state fairs? Like, does he travel to different states for their fairs? How many state fairs has Mike been to? Are fairs different in each state? He’s really going to lose it when they have a state fair to themselves and some unknown singer serenades them by the cotton candy booth.

NICK

There is nothing about this bio that doesn’t bother me. Nick looks like the member of a boy band that everyone hates because he says shit like, “weekend warrior”.  

RICKEY

He looks like he’s wearing a lululemon women’s bomber. Regardless, is he an IT consultant or a business owner? Make up your mind, Rickey. 

RYAN

He mentions the word “banjo” more in this bio than I have in my entire life. I’m not sure how I feel about the instruments he chose to learn. Banjo included.

TRENT

My new life goal is to be on the cover of trashy romance novels. Also, is Florida really a hub for male models?

WILLS

Adults who talk about their love for Harry Potter are about as fun as drowning.

Yesterday I had a photo shoot and while this may sound exciting (it is) and fun (it’s that, too) it makes me incredibly anxious to have my photo taken. This may come as a surprise to you, but I’m not a supermodel and I do not live a glamorous life. I’m also very awkward in front of a camera so the combination of these things gives me a bright red chest. You know, exactly what every girl wants before a photo shoot.  

Either way, I very much need professional photos for a few things going on, so I fought through the anxiety and committed to making this happen. 

Leading up to the big day, I asked my incredibly patient photographer what was needed from me. She said, 

“Bring clothes you feel amazing in; 3-4 outfits. Think different looks and embrace all your alter egos. Good to have a pop of color or something a little wild that you might not normally wear often (one piece pant suit anyone?) Makeup and hair can be easy (casual) but bring a lip just in case we wanna add some flair. We will probably shoot in Venice (think Abbot Kinney or canals) if that works for you but if you have any suggestions or places you think are beautiful hit me with them! What are you favorite places to go in LA?” 

Sounds simple, right? It probably is. Unless you’re me. As I’m reading these requests, I’m thinking to myself, 

“Embrace all your alter egos. Would this include me working out; me hating something; me drinking wine; me laughing at something inappropriate; or me working out while hating something before drinking wine and laughing at something inappropriate?”  

“A pop of color or something a little wild I wouldn’t wear often. Do I own clothes that aren’t black? Does ‘wild’ include pants that aren’t spandex? Should I have a professional photo taken in my YEEZUS flannel?”   

“Makeup and hair can be casual but bring a lip just in case we wanna add some flair. Dear Dyson Hair + Philosophy, thank you for the hairdryer and straightener or I’d be fucked. Does ‘bring a lip’ mean I need a tinted Chapstick?” 

“We will probably shoot in Venice. Does this mean I can have a cocktail?”

“What are your favorite places to go in LA. Wait! Is shooting at my favorite places an actual option? I don’t have to wear normal clothes after all!” 

Instead I’m pretty sure I forgot to respond. 

The morning of the shoot, I did my best to accommodate her requests, meaning I finally busted out the fur vest someone once thought I was cool enough to wear and some lip gloss my mom sent me to go along with my all-black-all-the-time wardrobe. 

We started at her studio and then, as promised, made our way to Venice where I wore the hell out of that fur vest and even added six inch heels. Talk about something “a little wild I wouldn’t wear often” huh?   

I absolutely, one-hundred percent was more awkward than I care to admit, but I am very excited to see, and share, the end results. 

To see the photog’s work, check out @beccagreenphoto on IG and by all means, feel free to slide into those DM’s for a fun shoot of your own. 

Last night when I got home, a package was waiting for me on my doorstep. We all know I love surprises and gifts, so I was thrilled. I’d also had two margaritas, amplifying my excitement as tequila does. 

When I opened the box I learned it was a gift from Philosophy, so I thought, “Hell yea, I’ve been meaning to ask for eye cream; they can see my dark circles from New York!” 

And then I opened the card to read: 

“As we approach the year ahead, we are inspired by the way generosity can enrich the lives of both giver and recipient. It is in this spirit that we’re inviting you to give back to one of our 2018 hope & grace grantees with the enclosed $50 check. Simply choose the organization you’d like to give back to and sign and mail the check in the pre-paid envelope provided. The terrarium is yours to keep as a token of gratitude and a small way of sharing our Arizona heritage with you. We hope it reminds you just how much your kindness, support and generosity matter in the lives of those who need it most.” 

I quickly wrote the check out to the anxiety and depression association of America as I wouldn’t wish anxiety on even slow walkers or adults with baby voices, and stumbled downstairs to put it in the mail. 

I am humbled to be part of such a gracious community and honored that Philosophy gives me the ongoing opportunity to support organizations that matter. 

Now I just have to figure out how to keep a terrarium alive. 

Since I am the most predictable person on the planet, I’m sure you’ve guessed this will be about one of like five things. And you’re kinda right; it’s about three of the only five things I do. 

First, it’s been a while since I’ve written here. To be totally transparent it’s mostly because you all know everything I do every day already – The aforementioned five things with maybe a surprise day at the pool. I had to search my photos through hundreds from fitness activities for that one example. If I ever start doing cool things or liking food groups other than chicken nuggets, I’ll keep ya posted. 

The stories I share here are mostly just me doing embarrassing things that will make people laugh at my expense. Lucky for you, here we are.  

The second thing I’m sure you assumed is that this would be about fitness and, well, it is. BUT NOT IN THE LIKE “I just ran an 8 speed at a 10% incline” sense (although I did that this week, TYVM), but more like, “It’s been a while since I’ve embarrassed myself this way in a long time” sense. 

For the first probably three years of my riding at SoulCycle, it was just known that I was going to cry in class. And I’m not talking a few tears when the instructor tells us there’s a light at the end of the tunnel; I’m talking the Abby Draper ugly cry with dramatic huffing and puffing, she-needs-to-sleep-with-an-eye-icepack-tonight crying. It used to happen at least three times a week and became a “thing”. To the point that I’d get texts saying, “You wouldn’t have been able to handle that class” from a rider in a class I wasn’t in. 

It’s cool. I cry a lot. 

That being said, it’s been a (long) while since I’ve had a snotty, can’t breathe cry in class. I think the last one was right before I quit my agency job. Or maybe my thirtieth birthday ride. Either way, it’s been a few years. 

Until (very unexpectedly) this week.

One morning on a whim, I decided I wanted to ride so I looked at the schedules. An instructor whose class I haven’t taken in probably four years was in the next time slot at the studio closest to me. If you know me, I am very particular about my fitness instructors so I was a little trepid, but I’d seen her out of the studio a few times recently and was really feeling her vibe. So I booked my front and center bike and went to class. 

I went in with zero expectations and was looking forward to not feeling fat for the rest of the day. I made it through like three-and-a-half songs and was really impressed by the music, the mantras, the choreography. I remember thinking, “This is a thoughtful class; I’m impressed at how much core work we’ve done” and then in the middle of a push she started talking about how others may tell you that you can’t do something. She said, “You know what? Maybe they’re right. Maybe you can’t do it the way that they think you should do it, but you can do it the way you think you should do it” and I just lost my shit. I was crying so hard, I blew my nose into my towel. Like, in front of other people. With my head down in hopes that no one could see what was happening with my face, I finished class and during the stretch I was shaking so hard, the girl next to me asked if I was okay. I’m the worst.  

I left the room to retrieve my things from my locker and when the instructor came out behind me, she said, “It’s a huge compliment to have you in my class” and, you guessed it, the weeping started again. In the middle of the morning in front of a room full of people. Probably why I didn’t Insta story that I was there, in case you guys were concerned I missed a video about my workout that day. 

I’ve recovered and have absolutely no idea where the hell that all came from, but I guess I needed it. 

And finally, yes, it’s been a while since what you definitely thought this was about has happened, too. 

A couple of weeks ago, a dear friend who also happens to teach me how to exercise properly, and I were stretching – which for me means sitting on a vibrating foam roller – and during our conversation I had a bit of a mini meltdown. Which is kind of impressive considering what I was sitting on.  

On a scale of meltdowns, mine usually range from, “She shed a few tears but was cool for the most part” to, “I’ve never seen one person look so ugly crying. I hope she’s still breathing.”

Fortunately for both parties involved, I was able to keep this one to just a few tears.

After I’d finished, my friend who also happens to teach me how to exercise properly, suggested I download the app “Head Space” and use it to meditate for a few minutes in the morning before I start my day or at night before I go to bed. It was basically a nice way of telling me to relax.

I like to think I know myself pretty well, so as he was explaining this app to me, I listened but was also fairly certain I’d download the app and never use it. At that point, I didn’t consider myself the kind of girl that wakes up to meditate alone to an app.

Regardless, I trust this person emphatically and know that he wouldn’t offer advice if it weren’t genuine, so rather than pretend I was going to use an app, I researched places that I could go to take a meditation class instead. Similar to the vibrating foam rollers (and my affinity for StretchLab), I prefer the option where someone else does all of the work and I reap the benefits. Is that the definition of millennial? 

Through this research, I discovered that Unplug Meditation offers a two week, unlimited trial for $35. If you live in LA, you understand that $35 usually gets you like half of a workout class without a water, so to have 14 days of as many sessions as I wanted felt too good to be true.

As someone who knows too well what it’s like to have a class ruined by the actions of someone else (like when a teenager comes into a certain workout after the doors are closed for example) I wanted to make sure that I approached this correctly and respectfully so I called the studio for answers to my questions. You know, the imporant things like, “What if I laugh? What if I cry? What do I wear?” The woman I spoke with was absolutely incredible and suggested my first class be the “rest and relax” meditation that Thursday night. I signed up and at 8pm, I attended my first class.

It was amazing. I know I say that about a lot of things, but this was truly special. It was a 45 minute class and I cried for at least 37 of those minutes. Probably 38. It sounds like I cry a lot, I know, but this was so incredibly moving and quite frankly exactly what I didn’t know I was missing from my life.

The next morning I received an email from the studios client relations manager and if you know me, you know I am a huge sucker for good customer service. Her email asked about my experience, what I was looking for, how she could help, etc. and we ended up speaking on the phone for a good thirty minutes.

I spent every day for the next two weeks trying different classes. Some I loved, others weren’t for me, but what remained consistent was how blissed out I felt after every single session. This is very “LA” of me to say, but I spend a lot of my life in the “yang” and very little in the “yin” so to have 45 minutes a day to “yin” was a powerful experience.

For my final class of the two week challenge, my friend that suggested I find meditation to chill the hell out, came with me. Legit, he’s the best person I know. It also happened to be the same night that I finished my 100th Barry’s Bootcamp class, so we were in a very “yang” state heading into the session.

We finished at Barry’s, showered and went to Unplug. Literally and figuratively. The studio welcomed us both with open arms and the meditation was beautiful. The first thing my friend asked when it was over was, “Wait, that was 45 minutes?” On the drive home, we agreed that the meditation left us feeling relaxed and gracious.

I am proud of myself for doing this every day for two weeks. I am also immensely grateful to have a friend that knows me well enough to suggest this as an outlet. It was exactly what I needed but never would have tried without being challenged. 

I will definitely continue to practice meditation and Unplug is the perfect place for me to do so. I welcome any of you to join, just let me know when you’re interested! 

From Brad Womack to Brad Womack again, to Andi and Nick, to Prince Farming, to Kaitlyn and Nick, to Nick on Bachelor in Paradise, to Nick as The Bachelor, to an entire day onset at “The Men Tell All” I have spent way too many years to admit following, watching and recapping The Bachelor franchise shows. 

For the most part it has been a lot of fun. I love interacting with “Bachelor Nation” be it online, at Bachelorette Book Club, or after running into Prince Farming in the Soul parking lot. 

That being said, this last season was not fun for me. Writing snark about silly things like “Tickle Monster” as a profession is enjoyable (and hilarious), but when it comes to topics like racism and private family matters, I don’t have it in me to make jokes. 

I was also hugely disappointed in this seasons’ finale leaving me less than excited for what’s next. Even more so I can’t, in good conscious, write about what is to come in “Paradise” after what we learned this summer and have seen in new previews. Former Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe said (tweeted) it best, “This looks like a bad season of ‘Girls Gone Wild’” and I’m too old for that.  

So, before BIP starts on Monday, I wanted to share that I have resigned my position as a TV Lust Bachelor/ette & BIP recapper. I am certain that whoever takes my place will do an amazing job and I look forward to following along. 

Thank you to everyone that read, liked, commented, shared, etc any of my recaps over the years. I hope you’ll accept my final rose. 

There are a lot of events happening this fall in my life that I have to look bangin’ for. That said, I’ve committed to several different things in August which is somehow already tomorrow btw. 

To hold myself accountable and tell my friends in a passive aggressive way that I won’t be agreeing to happy hour for a while, here is how I’m making this happen: 

1. Sober August. I’m writing this with a glass of wine because I’ve again decided to choose a long month to quit drinking. Hopefully next time is like February when it’s only 11 days or something. The results of the last sober month were quite incredible, so this was a given in my quest to be hotter than a few fall brides. 

2. Thirty (one, I guess) day plank challenge. I’m very annoyed at how hard it is to hold a plank, so with this plan I’ll be Cher in a month (apparently she can plank for 5 minutes.) Also, Dock & DIzz agreed to do this with me which I am very excited about. I guess this is how you bond with your parents at 32? Into it.

3. A friend of mine posted about a product that made her lashes longer and plushier, if that’s a word. She was generous enough to send me the $200 product and apparently after a month, batting my eyes will actually work. 

4. The incredible people at Philosophy sent me three new face masks to make my skin look younger with detailed instructions so that I can’t fuck it up. I mean I probably still could, but I’ll be sober so hopefully I won’t. 

5. I’ve been feeling frustrated with everything that is involved with fitness because it’s just SO MUCH and one of my favorite people took the time to write me a “101″ in how to eat like a healthy adult, so I’m committing to his recommendations. I’ll probably still order Wendy’s chicken nuggets like once a week, but no one needs to know that. 

I have my first-in-a-while trifecta planned for tomorrow; Soul + StretchLab + Barry’s to kick this all off. If you follow me on Instagram, you’ve been warned. 

If anyone wants to join me for this, I would love it. Every one of these things is much easier with a friend. Otherwise, just tell me I look hot when you see me in like 2 weeks. 

For some reason that I’m very excited about, a pervy angel (my favorite kind of angel) is looking out for me because my fitness instructors have added “Pony” to their playlists for like a whole week now. I’ve obviously been sharing this on the Internet and people are sliding into my DM’s posing the question, “Ab, why is Pony such a big deal?”

To be honest, I don’t even know how that’s a real question, but I’m here to answer.

1. It is wildly inappropriate, much like many of my other favorite things. The lyrics include, “Juices flowing down your thighs” and the chorus is, “I’m horny. Let’s do it. My pony. Jump on it. My saddles waiting. Come and jump on it.” Like, these are actual song lyrics not just the way I wish people spoke every day.  

2. If the beat drop at the beginning of the song (the OG version) doesn’t do something for you, I have zero idea what will.

3. Magic Mike. And for those of you that know me, Channing Tatum does nothing for me but that dance/song combo... well, it does.  

4. Although it’s been five years since I started working out every day, it’s still not always easy for me, so I rely a lot on the music. Adele isn’t going to make me want to work harder (it’ll do the opposite if we’re being honest), but a dirty rap song with a heavy beat absolutely will. I have driven over an hour to take a “hip hop Sunday” class for a good workout and would do it again.

5. On the topic of working out (because yes, I can talk about it for days on days on days), every milestone or important day I’ve celebrated in LA has included a workout and this song has been on every one of those playlists because the trainers I celebrate with are the most incredible people on the planet. My favorite was my thirty-first private birthday ride at Soul. We finished the class and were about to stretch when the instructor asked the room, “Do you guys want to ride to one more song?” and when everyone cheered, I looked at him (I was on the podium) and said, “Only if it’s dirty” before he played the original version. This was significant because after the song started, he leaned over to tell me he’d not listened to the song before. I’m pretty sure his world has never been the same.

6. This is the music video. Watch. If it doesn’t change your life, watch again because it will.

For some reason that I’m very excited about, a pervy angel (my favorite kind of angel) is looking out for me because my fitness instructors have added “Pony” to their playlists for like a whole week now. I’ve obviously been sharing this on the Internet and people are sliding into my DM’s posing the question, “Ab, why is Pony such a big deal?” 

To be honest, I don’t even know how that’s a real question, but I’m here to answer. 

1. It is wildly inappropriate, much like many of my other favorite things. The lyrics include, “Juices flowing down your thighs” and the chorus is, “I’m horny. Let’s do it. My pony. Jump on it. My saddles waiting. Come and jump on it.” Like, these are actual song lyrics not just the way I wish people spoke every day.  

2. If the beat drop at the beginning of the song (the OG version) doesn’t do something for you, I have zero idea what will. 

3. Magic Mike. And for those of you that know me, Channing Tatum does nothing for me but that dance/song combo... well, it does.  

4. Although it’s been five years since I started working out every day, it’s still not always easy for me, so I rely a lot on the music. Adele isn’t going to make me want to work harder (it’ll do the opposite if we’re being honest), but a dirty rap song with a heavy beat absolutely will. I have driven over an hour to take a “hip hop Sunday” class for a good workout and would do it again. 

5. On the topic of working out (because yes, I can talk about it for days on days on days), every milestone or important day I’ve celebrated in LA has included a workout and this song has been on every one of those playlists because the trainers I celebrate with are the most incredible people on the planet. My favorite was my thirty-first birthday ride at Soul. We finished the class and were about to stretch when the instructor asked the room, “Do you guys want to ride to one more song?” and when everyone cheered, I looked at him (I was on the podium) and said, “Only if it’s dirty” before he played the original version. This was significant because after the song started, he leaned over to tell me he’d not listened to the song before. I’m pretty sure his world has never been the same. 

5. This is the music video. Watch. If it doesn’t change your life, watch again because it will. 

I’m pretty sure that one of my life’s greatest accomplishments is being told that this song reminds others of me. And now you know why. 

Recently I went to the beach with a friend of mine for lunch. While we were there we each received a snapchat from a mutual friend at the same time and saw the notification pop up on each others’ phones. The next day, I saw that a person with her name had just started to follow me on the app so I assumed it was that friend and followed her back. 

Over the next couple of days I added her to the list of those fortunate enough to see the shit I snap during the day. Some of the snaps shared were -- 

- A grab of a man on the show, “Sweet Home Oklahoma” also known as my newest bad TV obsession, whose job title was, “Bush Expert” with my caption of, “I could use one of these if ya know what I mean.” 

- A photo of me taking up as much space as I could on a bench at soul with the text, “I do everything I can to make sure strangers can’t get close to me.” 

- A video of a very attractive man eating a banana. I’m sure you can guess what the accompanying caption was. It was. 

And a few other things similar to that. 

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I checked snap stories (is that what they’re called?) and saw this person had shared a story. I watched it, expecting it to be my friend.

It was not. 

It was a young girl that was at a sweet sixteen birthday party at her friends parents house. This means that I’ve been sending a stranger who is MUCH younger than me, inappropriate snapchats. 

Oops. 

A dear friend of mine recently completed a Tough Mudder and when I asked her about it, she said to me, “We’re in our thirties now. When is the last time you accomplished something you didn’t know you could?” And when she said that, it hit me -- That is exactly what I have just done in not drinking for the month of March. 

This may not seem like a huge deal to many, but for me it is. Before this month, I honestly could not tell you the last time I went a day without a drink. This doesn’t mean I was raging all of the time, but I definitely came home every night and poured a glass of wine. It was just a natural habit. So when I decided to try and give that up for a month, it honestly seemed impossible. 

Then people told me they didn’t think I could do it. If you know me, that’s all I need to hear to actually do something. Everyone’s least favorite example of this is that a boy told me I’d never last five years in Los Angeles, so it became imperative to me that I did. I guess I just like to prove people wrong. So, like, if you want to tell me I’ll never be a millionaire, feel free. 

It wasn’t super easy, obviously, and it was incredibly boring at times, but I found that I was able to replace my desire for wine with working out. I know that’s not interesting to a lot of people, but this is about me so deal.    

That being said, in the last month, by giving up alcohol and spending a lot of time exercising, there have been some noticeable changes. And when I say noticeable I’m talking like even the barista down the street commented. 

Obviously, my body has changed. I just typed that it was much tighter and then laughed out loud, so let’s just say that I am visibly more fit. I don’t think this is unique to just sobriety or working out, I think it’s the combination of both. Either way, my ass looks great and I’m down a pant size. 

My skin is much different. It’s not as red or puffy anymore and I look much younger. In fact, a new staff member at Soul thought I was twenty-five and a Lyft driver told me there was “no way” I was over thirty. Side note: He was telling me about his upcoming birthday and I told him thirty was a good year for me, I didn’t just divulge my age for a compliment, although that’s absolutely something I would do. 

I am more productive than I’ve ever been. My dad told me I was “sharper” (such a dad word) and a friend that I write funny content for every week told me I was funnier. I know you didn’t think that was possible but apparently it is. 

It’s also been brought to my attention that I’ve been much nicer. You definitely didn’t think that was possible, either, I’m sure. 

Overall, I feel fucking amazing. I like how I look, I like how I feel, I like being productive and to be totally candid I like the attention. When you’re thirty two and live alone, you take it where you can get it. 

People keep asking what my drinking habits will be now that the month is over. It’s nice to know that if I want to have a drink, I can, but in all honesty, I don’t really have any desire to. 

Whoa. 

Last night I was enjoying my dinner of pistachios and I guess I was eating them too excitedly, as one got caught in my throat. I will spare you the details, but basically I almost died. Not really, but it felt like it. 

Once I was breathing again and like three recovery glasses of wine in, I started to wonder what would happen if I died alone in my apartment. Like, who would be the first to realize I was gone? Would it be the barista at Starbucks? The overly-enthusiastic guy that rides next to me on Saturday mornings? Time Warner Cable? 

Regardless, if you are the person that notices, comes over to check on me and finds me dead, here are the ten things I need you to do right away:

- Delete my Postmates history. Specifically the time I ordered from the CVS that is two blocks away from my home. 

-  Delete my Internet browser history. I spend an inappropriate amount of time searching things I very much should not be searching. 

- There is a Lululemon bag in my closet filled with things my family doesn’t need to see. Throw it away. Or, like, keep what’s inside. You’re welcome. 

- DO NOT LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY LIFE-SIZED TIM RIGGINS CUT OUT. Give it to someone deserving. 

- Delete the photos on my phone you know need to be deleted. Or keep them for yourself. You’re welcome again. 

- All of the things that are hanging on my fridge -- bury me with them. 

- There is a bottle of wine in the cupboard above my fridge. It was a gift given to me five years ago when I told someone rich I was moving to LA. I want to drink it on a meaningful day. If I am dead and haven’t opened it, please save it and drink it with D&D. Unless you’re the enthusiastic guy that rides next to me on Saturday. Sorry, but they wouldn’t like you. 

- If there is any money in my banking account, give it to a charity that supports ending bullying in the name of someone that has been mean to me and then make sure they know that’s been done. 

- Delete my social media accounts. Not because I have anything to hide, obv, but because I absolutely do not want any RIP posts. 

Honestly I thought I could come up with ten but I think that’s all that needs to be done immediately. How I’d like my funeral to go down is a whole other conversation.