#thebachelorette

Coming soon ✨ 

Here’s What Happened Monday

In a Pennsylvanian palace 2,000 miles from the La Quinta, thirty women in sequined monochrome (if anything at all) vie for the affections of a Bachelor newcomer who is wholly unprepared to be accosted by dildos so soon into his journey. 

Matt James 101

Last season, the producers took one hard look at the footage of Clare screaming at suitors for not knowing who she was after three failed runs on The Bachelor, Bachelor In Paradise, and Bachelor Winter Games, and decided it was time to bring in some fresh meat for the new season.

Hence, Matt James: spared from Clare’s clutches on The Bachelorette and kept pure to test the theory that ignorance is bliss.

Here is what we know: Matt James is a 28-year-old real estate broker who enjoys taking children out to eat. He lives in New York City and on Bachelorette alum Tyler Cameron’s Instagram.

Matt James has twenty-six abs on his torso and gets a cute little furrowed brow when he talks to Uncle Chris Harrison about the crushing responsibility to do role of first Black Bachelor justice.

We will love him, and we will hate anyone who comes near him. These are the rules.

Nemacolin 101

A quick editors note on locale. Nemacolin Woodlands Resort, where this season was filmed, is tucked away in a beautiful part of the Appalachian Mountains, deep in rural Yinzer country just southeast of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

My family once tagged along to my dad’s American Epilepsy Society conference when it was hosted at Nemacolin in the late 1990s. I was a wee lass, but I do remember riding a horse for the first and last time in my life while my dad was off giving a presentation on seizures.

It is important to me that you know that.

Let’s Meet The Ladies: A Bulleted Summary

Alicia is a ballerina who insists on doing on-camera ballet at every available opportunity. Ballet Girl will be this season’s Guy With Guitar.

Jessenia is a social media marketer looking for her rock, possibly The Rock.

Sarah is a very young weatherman.

Carolyn is a journalist who mistakes lavender for sage and tries to burn it near Matt for whatever reason one burns sage.

Saneh is an IT consultant who arrives wearing goat slippers, a staple of the IT consulting wardrobe.

Kaylah is a healthcare advocate who arrives in a pick-up truck almost certainly borrowed for $20 from someone three miles outsides the resort in Trump Country, PA.

Alana brings cold pasta that she forces Matt to slurp with her, Lady And The Tramp style, without ever disclosing if she has oral herpes.

The Ladies, Continued

Kaili is a hostess from Chicago who arrives in lingerie with two dress options, neither of which opts to put on even after forcing Matt to choose.

Abigail is deaf, but ready for love.

MJ the hairstylist brings a pizza, Kimberley the airline recruiter brings a fish.

Katie the bank marketer introduces her new boyfriend, Matt James, to her current boyfriend, her vibrator. She later names it MJ, after MJ with pizza.

Kit is a 21-year-old fashion entrepreneur who has the face of a Downton Abbey villain.

Queen Victoria arrives on a throne carried by four resort bellhops, who hopefully got a fat bonus for that embarrassment.

Pure Depravity

Everything about the holding room of lingerie and dildos begs for the presence of some Jesus, so Matt kicks off his first interaction with the women with a group prayer.

Later, Matt gets to know the girls a little better – at least, the gentle ones, the ones who praise his vulnerability and challenge him to a nice game of chess – until Katie taps Mari on the shoulder with her dildo and sparks a small feud because Mari did not want to be touched by Katie’s dildo.

Meanwhile, Queen Victoria – the 27-year-old woman who never outgrew the phase of demanding birthday parties at Limited Too – incites new discord amongst the women by taking extra turns with Matt while many of the other women are still drinking up the courage to speak to him once.

The only person who could not be bothered is sweet deaf Abigail, who is too busy making out with Matt in the other room and earning herself the First Impression Rose to notice the drama.

The Rose Ceremony

At the Rose Ceremony, roses are only given to women whose names Matt can remember. Unfortunately, this means the more memorable Victoria gets to stay and a number of girls probably not actually named Sparkle Tits have to go home.

Until next week!

The Bachelorette lesbian edition. (#WarriorNun) Y'all can have LilBea, FallenHalo, and all the other ships but that last rose better be for #avatrice.

Gonna be super drama. With italics. LilBea are unexpected exes competing. Ava's THE bachelorette. Mary is in the game too but she's just really trying to get the attention of one of the producers named Shannon.

Camila is in it hoping Ava just might be the love of her life. She's hot, smart, fun...sounds like they would get along at least. (They do. They really do.)

Crimson is a writer for the show who tries to sabotage it because she has a better offer waiting for her in The Voice if she can tank the ratings.

Beatrice and Lilith originally try to use Ava to make the other jealous until Beatrice realizes she's actually playing for keeps. Lilith is taken by Camila who seems really into Ava though.