Who Taught These People Punctuation? The Bachelorette Bio Breakdown.
I know I said i was done with âThe Bachelorâ franchise but ABC announced the new suitors for the upcoming season and as I scrolled through their bios, I just cannot help myself.
In total transparency, I only watched the last couple of episodes of Arieâs season because his laugh is worse than Prince Farmingâs and anyone with a nickname like, âKissing Banditâ at the age of 86 is just weird. That being said, I donât know much about Becca, but I would like to extend my sincere apologies because these guys are doozies.
ALEX
You know that episode of Friends when Ross gets a spray tan and keeps doing it wrong, so he ends up super orange? I feel like thatâs what happened when this guy got his teeth whitened. Also, his biography reads, â(he enjoys) taking trips to the beach with his boat.â What does that mean? He grabs his boat and they walk to the beach together? He just puts his boat on the back of his car and takes it to the beach to hang?
BLAKE
What the fuck is a modern romantic? Also, dropping that you âexcelâ at sports before sharing that your secret talent is swing dancing is basically just coming out of the closet.
CHASE
Speaking of closets, this guy definitely has a few dead bodies hidden in his.
CHRIS
Wants to retire in his 40âČs. Lazy is such a turn on.
CHRISTIAN
Why are his sleeves rolled up? Is that a short-sleeved sweater? Is his head the right size? A lot of questions here.
CHRISTON
What in the actual hell is a professional dunker? Seems made up, kind of like the spelling of his name.
CLAY
Of all of the things a person can put in their bio to explain themselves, he thought it was important enough to include that he doesnât curse. Fuck this guy.
COLTON
If someone used to play a sport, are they required to talk about it? Also how is he a âlifelong football playerâ if heâs not playing football anymore? That makes no sense. This guy is the Ben Higgins of this season. Calling it now.
CONOR
Whenever I wear a button down shirt, my boobs pop the buttons open; looks like the same thing happened to Conor. And what does it mean that he âhad the opportunity to play for the Bravesâ? They offered it to him and he said no? Pursuing his dream to teach a spin class in Florida felt like a better idea? I canât really talk shit about someone who talks incessantly about fitness but, I bet he talks incessantly about fitness. Annoying.
DARIUS
He lives in the Valley and refers to himself by the town he is from. No, thank you.
DAVID
âHe loves guacamole but hates avocadosâ -- this guy definitely laughs at his own bad dad jokes.
GRANT
Grant looks like he had his picture taken after a week-long bender. He told an electricity joke in his bio because, wait for it... heâs an electrician. How clever.
GARRETT
Garrett looks like someone Iâd want to be friends with, but then I read that he does Chris Farley impressions. So heâs the opposite.
JAKE
If his poems are anything like his bio, theyâre terrible. Also, âloves a good danceâ. As opposed to what, a bad dance?
JASON
Admittedly likes to sing (loudly I imagine) Disney songs. Thatâs a big, âNo, thank youâ from me. Also, is he tall enough to go on this ride?
JEAN BLANC
I wasnât sure if that was a serious name but then I read that he has an âimpressiveâ cologne collection. I bet he makes people smell him. Ew.
JOE
Joe is my favorite and I want him to be the next Bachelor. I am not a huge fan of the word âripeâ, but we all have our flaws.
JOHN
If you Google, âWhat are dudes in San Francisco likeâ Johnâs bio would be the top search result.
JORDAN
I bet this guy calls himself an Instagram model. And means it.Â
KAMIL
What the fuck is a social media participant? Would that make him and nine billion other strangers my colleagues?
LEO
Before I read his bio, I said out loud, âI bet heâs a stuntman or a yoga teacherâ and now Iâm worried Iâve been in LA too long.
LINCOLN
This guy says work brought him to Santa Monica so he probably bartends at The Bungalow. Also, serious question, why would someone from Nigeria name their kid after Abraham Lincoln?
MIKE
Mike loves state fairs? Like, does he travel to different states for their fairs? How many state fairs has Mike been to? Are fairs different in each state? Heâs really going to lose it when they have a state fair to themselves and some unknown singer serenades them by the cotton candy booth.
NICK
There is nothing about this bio that doesnât bother me. Nick looks like the member of a boy band that everyone hates because he says shit like, âweekend warriorâ. Â
RICKEY
He looks like heâs wearing a lululemon womenâs bomber. Regardless, is he an IT consultant or a business owner? Make up your mind, Rickey.Â
RYAN
He mentions the word âbanjoâ more in this bio than I have in my entire life. Iâm not sure how I feel about the instruments he chose to learn. Banjo included.
TRENT
My new life goal is to be on the cover of trashy romance novels. Also, is Florida really a hub for male models?
WILLS
Adults who talk about their love for Harry Potter are about as fun as drowning.
Do I need to recap this season?Â











