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This isn’t the kind of thing I wanted to post here but I am really not fine. I’m in a fat manic phase or something like something is really wrong with me right now. I’m not fine at all. I self-harmed, barely broke skin but yeah I did that.

I feel like no one loves me. I’m angry at my mom for neglecting me. Upset that my dad abandoned me when he was the one who loved me more. I’m just so sad. I feel so unloved. No one likes me. I don’t even have a best friend anymore. Shit sucks. I ruin everything. EVERYTHING!

I lashed out at my mom today for literally no reason except that I was out of money and I was mad at her for not providing for me when I was young. So stupid. I hate myself. Then the guy I was supposed to hangout with asked if we could hookup and I also flipped out on him pretty much and told him not to come over and that I didn’t want to hangout and that guys only want me for sex. And he said sorry and that we didnt have to do anything and I just said I was emotional sorry. 

And that’s that. Probably never gonna speak to him again. I hate myself. I didn’t have to deal with it the way I did. I’m so fucking stupid. But I’ve just been crying all night. I’m so addicted to weed and tobacco. I want to die. I hate my life. I hate everything. I don’t want to do this anymore. Nothing is worth it, literally nothing. Why does it have to be like this? Why can’t I just be normal? 

I don’t want to be in my head anymore. Why can’t I just live? Why can’t I just have friends and people that want to spend time with me? Why does no one actually like me for who I am? Oh right. Cause I fucking lash out at people and sabotage all my relationships and ruin fucking EVERYTHING. I’m literally a worthless human being. I have nothing to offer anyone. I can’t do school, I can’t keep a job, I can’t even be happy in the city I was so excited to go to. 

Nothing works. I thought traveling would work. I just want to be loved. I can’t fucking travel to get that. I can’t fucking buy it. I can’t get it in the way I want it from anyone in my life. 

Ugh. People do love me though. Am I not accepting it? Do I not see it? Is it just not happening? What’s wrong with me? Am I even seeing clearly? 

So, basically I’ve been making hella moves but none in regards to my actual personal daily life or health. lol. So, no working out or walking or anything. Just a lot of fucking thinking, I guess.

But. I’m going to PD tomorrow to look at the city and see if I actually wanna go to school there. I’m pretty excited. I’m gonna try to make an open call for this modeling agency but not sure if I’ll have the time, honestly. We’ll see. I only have like 2 hours from the time my plane lands to the open call and I wanna go to my airbnb first and freshen up before I go. I can always attend the open call when I move too, I guess. 

Then I’m chilling the rest of Thursday night and will probably hangout with this guy I know who is a D1 athlete. We used to be friends in freshman year of college and obviously he’s been continuously making moves and I haven’t but. Everybody goes at their own pace lol. He called me this morning and asked me when I’m getting into the city and offered me a ride and stuff if I needed it, which made me feel really good. So hopefully we’ll have some fun together! He told me he hasn’t really seen anyone besides his football team and family in the last 8 months cause they’re pretty strict about covid. Poor guy. I don’t wanna be that bitch that shuts down the entire football team tho so I have to be super careful at the airport tomorrow haha, I’m gonna wear my glasses and maybe a rave mask on top of my regular mask. 

But yeah. So then Friday I actually have an appointment to look at this apartment building with a straight fiiire location and good prices. So that’ll be chill and then I’m pretty much free. Probably just gonna try to walk around a lot even though it’s gonna be cold and maybe rainy. So not sure that’ll actually be possible but I’ll try when I can. 

Things I would like to do tonight:

Workout

Create workout section in journal (space for putting what I did that day, etc)

Read 2 Ch Brave New World

Create reading section of a journal? To record what I read and brief summary or thoughts?

Daily things to do today:

Walk

Coffee

Get ready, get dressed

Journal

Read 2 ch

Stretch 10 min

Workout 10 min

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PLANNING / BRAINSTORM

Thoughts:  I want to create spaces in my journal for tracking anything productive I like to do. Ex: Diary/journal, Exercise tracking, Protein tracking, Water tracking, Reading tracking/summary, Yoga/stretching tracking and progress.

Things I want to do daily:

Workout (why? To get a bigger butt and be strong and look fit)

Stretch/yoga (why? To get flexible and do the splits. To make my back feel better.)

Walk (why? Cause it’s good for me to move my body around and I like to do it)

Read (why? Stimulates the mind.)

Journal (why? Need to focus on where I am and where I’m heading in life)

Thoughts on the above: I think I’m struggling with completing these things because I don’t have a clear goal. I need to figure out what I’m trying to achieve with my workouts (inches gained, reps improved, etc) and with stretching/yoga (need to take progress pics of certain poses, etc). How will I know if I am improving if I don’t keep track of anything and forget things easily?

I’ve been so depressed I’ve been finding it really difficult to care about myself or my life. There seems to not be a point but I need to just work through it anyway.

If I want to date someone worth dating, I need to be someone worth dating. And I should want to better for myself for other reasons than just dating but I have to remember that other people are dating ME too. I need to have something to bring to the table and what I’m doing now is not it. 

I need to remember to be a person. Have a life. Do things. 

And it looks fucking dope. There are multiple wine painting classes, sewing/fashion classes, poker clubs... so much stuff. I’m stoked. And I told my friend I’m following him there and he’s excited not weirded out or anything so I’m happy.  I also have a friend who plays college football for the team where I’m moving and I hit him up and he said he would be my tour guide and show me all the cool shit. He says he knows the underground parties and poker games and stuff which I definiteeely wanna go to. 

There’s also like a BDSM scene and hopefully an EDM scene... just wow I’m excited. Where I live now doesn’t have shit. No wonder I don’t like it here. 

I was thinking recently about codependency and how one avoids becoming codependent. In order to not be co-dependent, you have to have your own life and do your own thing outside of the other person. So, what does that look like? What kinds of things are apart of my life and hobbies? What do I need to improve or work upon?My life / hobbies right now:

the internet: Reddit / YouTube commentary vids

My family: Hanging out with my mom and grandparents.

My friends: Occasionally hangout with best friend.... needs work

Art: paintings, resin, drawing

Reading: Novels, self-help books, reddit forums, internet articles

Videogames: AC...

What I imagine when I imagine "having a life":

Being active daily and going outside

Doing chores and being a person

Hanging out with friends and being social with people

Going out for activities or groups or clubs (wine painting? hiking? idk?)

Having a daily routine and being productive

NTS: Seriously lacking a cummulative overview of my previous days/weeks progress. How can I be inspired by myself if I never even look back at my accomplishments and know what I've done? Remember you need to do weekly/monthly overviews with habit tracking, etc. 

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Okay, so say I want to imagine tomorrow and me “having a life”. What would an ideal day of me “having a life” look like if I executed it perfectly tomorrow?

-Get up, brush teeth, wash face

-Get dressed in cute clothes I feel comfortable going outside in 

-Hangout with friends like I was supposed to

-Go on walk or jog 

-Stretch before or after walk/jog

-Do something productive? Work related? Think? I dunno? This is the part I need help with... 

DESPERATELY NEED A “SHIT I DID” JOURNAL TO JUST WRITE DOWN LITERALLY ANYTHING I DID DURING THE DAY WORTH NOTE

So I guess I made this blog and then stopped caring about it LOL. But I have been trying to keep productivity in mind anyway. 

So. I applied to 5 modeling agencies in a city I want to move to. I think my pictures were alright, I did them super fast so I’m really hoping to get a response from one of these agencies! I think I will. Usually they should respond within a few days so I’m gonna give it until, eh, Thursday of next week at the very latest. If I don’t get a response by then, they probably aren’t interested. 

For the top agency though I am gonna go in person whether they respond to me or not. I just have to. But hopefully they’ll just ask me to come in lol. 

Things I really need to deal with:

Garbage service

Unemployment 

Things I want to do today:

Look at furniture

Take digis

Try to play Cyberpunk

Daily things to do today:

Morning walk

Night walk

Short workout

I honestly forget how much I love to write shit down till I sit down and do it. I think I get anxious about writing things because I feel like there is so much to say/think about and I’m so shit at organizing it all. This feels like a good step so far... even tho it’s been like an hour. ha-ha. 

I feel like I should write more than this even tho that’s it, that’s on writing shit down.

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IMPORTANT NTS

I also don’t wanna forget I wanna do like school. And basically just further myself in life and as a person. I hate where I am right now. I don’t want to work in a restaurant forever and I want to get my beauty license and finish my AA so I can maybe go to a 4-year.  

I need to remember what I told my friend earlier today: I feel stagnant in life. I feel stagnant in my current job. 

I want more for myself. She also said that I need to apply myself more to the things I really want, so I guess that’s what inspired this blog.

Title Format: Post000.Date00XX.Title.

Post000: Post type and number of post of that type.

Date00XX: Month - Day (00) - Year (XX)

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Post Types: Post, Daily, Diary, Journal

Post: General post. More organized, contains planning/brainstorms/etc.

Daily: Daily post. Daily tracking (completed tasks, exercise, food, etc)

Diary: Diary entry. Whatever I feel like writing. Unbroken train of thought.

My main focuses for this blog/life - expanded.

1. Health

a) Healthy eating. Low sugar. Low dairy. High protein. High veg. Low processed. 

b) Exercise. 10k steps/day. Abs or booty workout daily. Start jogging in morning or night.

c) Drink more. fucking water.

2. Body

a) 33-22.5-34 goal

b) Body composition: raise muscle, lower BF.

c) Flexibility.

d) Strengthen full body. Monitor back pain? Rly hurts recently.

3. Twitch

Start twitching. Get donations set up. What else do you need? Something, that’s for sure...

Goal: Stream 1x at least before 2021.

4. YouTube

Keep filming (good job, self!) when you feel like it. Keep thinking of content and just do it!

Idea: Attempting Chloe Ting workout for 1 month. I need to workout anyway, so...

Goal: Film + edit + post a video by January 31st, 2021.

5. Modeling

6. Productivity

7. Art

8. Enjoy life. Go outside. Do THINGS.

a) Go outside more. Go explore the parks. Walk around your neighborhood. Walk in some shops. Eat some new things. Drive to some places.

b) Mindfulness, bitch??

9. Reading??

10. Mindfulness?

11. Fuck I have so many things to do my lif eis in shambles. its just so apart.

What’s up!

I’ve been wanting to do a sort of online journal/diary for a while now, so thought I’d just go ahead and do it right now. Tumblr isn’t my favorite for formatting journal type things, but it’s okay I’ll make do. 

In short,

This is a private/anonymous blog that I’m going to use to work on myself, track goals/progress/etc, organize my thoughts, and whatever else. 

This is going to be completely unfiltered. RIP me if someone IK finds this.

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I feel that my mind is extremely chaotic and it’s really difficult to sort through al my thoughts and get things done. I love writing things down and creating lists but writing physically with pen and paper is 1) way slower than typing (so I become much more discouraged since I can’t keep pace with my thoughts), and 2) I worry someone will stumble across my private writings in the physical world. I just feel safer and more anonymous online, for some reason.

I also just do better when I thought vomit frequently. I forget about all the productive things I care about and wanna do when I’m so in my brainfog.

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A few main things I would like to focus on 

1. Health

a. Healthy eating (low dairy, low sugar, more veg, more protein)

b. Exercise (booty and abs workouts, yoga/stretching, take up jogging) 

c. Body composition (lower BF% and raise muscle %)

2. Twitch / YouTube

a. Start twitch streaming

b. Start uploading YT videos

c. Maybe start TikTok?

3. Modeling???

4. ?? Productivity ??

5. ?? Art ??