#diaryposts

and wish you were with me?

isn’t this silence deafening?

my head is throbbing

i replay the nights we spent too often

and now you’re gone and

i just need to know

if you still think of me as your home

I’ve been so depressed I’ve been finding it really difficult to care about myself or my life. There seems to not be a point but I need to just work through it anyway.

If I want to date someone worth dating, I need to be someone worth dating. And I should want to better for myself for other reasons than just dating but I have to remember that other people are dating ME too. I need to have something to bring to the table and what I’m doing now is not it. 

I need to remember to be a person. Have a life. Do things. 

I was thinking recently about codependency and how one avoids becoming codependent. In order to not be co-dependent, you have to have your own life and do your own thing outside of the other person. So, what does that look like? What kinds of things are apart of my life and hobbies? What do I need to improve or work upon?My life / hobbies right now:

the internet: Reddit / YouTube commentary vids

My family: Hanging out with my mom and grandparents.

My friends: Occasionally hangout with best friend.... needs work

Art: paintings, resin, drawing

Reading: Novels, self-help books, reddit forums, internet articles

Videogames: AC...

What I imagine when I imagine "having a life":

Being active daily and going outside

Doing chores and being a person

Hanging out with friends and being social with people

Going out for activities or groups or clubs (wine painting? hiking? idk?)

Having a daily routine and being productive

NTS: Seriously lacking a cummulative overview of my previous days/weeks progress. How can I be inspired by myself if I never even look back at my accomplishments and know what I've done? Remember you need to do weekly/monthly overviews with habit tracking, etc. 

_______

Okay, so say I want to imagine tomorrow and me “having a life”. What would an ideal day of me “having a life” look like if I executed it perfectly tomorrow?

-Get up, brush teeth, wash face

-Get dressed in cute clothes I feel comfortable going outside in 

-Hangout with friends like I was supposed to

-Go on walk or jog 

-Stretch before or after walk/jog

-Do something productive? Work related? Think? I dunno? This is the part I need help with... 

DESPERATELY NEED A “SHIT I DID” JOURNAL TO JUST WRITE DOWN LITERALLY ANYTHING I DID DURING THE DAY WORTH NOTE

God damn, would you believe its been almost 2 years since I wrote a journal entry? I kind’ve dropped off the face of tumblr once college came around and then after that, work started and I just kind’ve lost track of shit, hm?

I’ve been doing well though, and thats what matters. I’ve moved to a new place, and I’ve got my own rat room and I’ve got two seriously adorable but annoying cats, lol. 

Life is going well right now, even though its stressful at the restaurant because it’s winter, and I’m not making a lot of money due to it being so slow.  But other than that, life is going well.

It’s been a while, Diary, I know. I’m aware that it has been.

So here’s the thing. A lot has happened in the past few months, so here’s a catch up post.

I moved in to my own apartment and learned that living on my own is much more fun than I planned, but that money saving is a must because rent/bills. But that’s not too terrible, I’m doing good there.

I also got another rat named Tikani, and she is a precious lil baby who has the tendency to be a friggin brat. But I love her nonetheless, even when she is throwing bedding out of the cage and trashing my apartment floor. She’s settled in well with the mischief and I’m so grateful for her personality. 

I also realized that I’m not as okay as I thought but I’m also not as terrible as I thought. I know, contradictory. But, true. Some days I miss him more than others, some days hurt more than others. Recently, a friend had somebody pass away. She’s in the same situation as I was, when he passed. She asked me how I got over it. I told her I didn’t. 

I also stopped saying his name and I took down the pictures of him except for one. It’s on my mirror. It falls down daily so I have to put it back up almost everyday, so really, I should just take it down but I don’t I just keep putting it back on my dirty mirror, and wait for it to fall again. I stopped saying his name because it hurts to say it again. I don’t know why, but it does. It doesn’t make sense, I was handling this way better. 

I stopped writing poetry also, but that’s because I don’t really have time. I have so many things I wanna write about but no time. I need to make time.

I have 24 hours in a day, why don’t I have time? 

I feel like I’m losing all my time. 

I feel like I’m losing the things that make me who I am and I need to get back to that instead of letting work consume me. 

I have 24 hours in a day.