16384 days

Dear Diary,

My life will never be the same in terms of the decimal system. No man gets out of four digit numbers alive. You don’t even reach the mark halfway between 10 and 100k. 30k is already over 80 years. That’s a long life for a human by today’s standards.

So anyway, the symbolic line has been crossed. Next one I see is at 16384. This one is at least equally satisfying in the binary which is somewhat dear to me, just like You. That’s in 6384 days, almost 17.5 years.

With a little bit of luck we shall hack it. I wonder if this place will still exist? Perhaps a backup is in order. Onto the list!

I have this list you see, of things to do. Intention is one thing though. We try to do our best. They say it’s good enough.

Time is pretty relentless, albeit it’s the ultimate order according to which things are laid out. Or so it seems from an angle. And angles we have many. Many of those we have indeeeed.

Shall we raise the bar?

I got me a new pair of ‘-o-o-’ so that’s alright.

I plan on doing a week of intense 10k-ing. Which would be like tripping exclusively on endogenous goodies. Baddies. Justisies. Fortunately the planet is fine.

Holy fucking shit!

137 left until

can feel my body not taking it the best; needs some milk and honey perhaps

looks like I need new

glasses;

maybe I’m getting somewhere though with this

maybe not

feelin’ a bit cosmic today

In 681 days I will reach the 10000 mark. Less than two years.

I was never good at quickly coming up with coherence.

this place doesn’t seem so intimate anymore; or does it?

time seems to have shrunk; now it flows right through massive attack’s psychedelic melodies;

maladies, sicknesses of the mind; categorizing and cataloging everything;

only 1112 till 10000; 3 years; is should be 27 by then; have my education sorted out more or less; have some aspects of my life sorted out;

where will I be heading? someplace exciting; with whom? that I don’t know; I am alright with different paths;

I’m very sleepy; to the point of almost no focus at all;

I suppose sculpting yourself ought to hurt sometimes; right?

let me grow; I have the desire to constantly push the limits of my capabilities and transcend myself; this i shall do;

love; love, love, love; quite an experience;

feelings; emotions; realization; sadness; calmness; acceptance;

I have my own way of doing things; everyone has I guess;

I feel like I’m losing my ability to form coherent thoughts, so I’ll be wrapping it up for today;

as always on special days like this one, I’m looking forward to the future, reflecting on the past and experiencing the present;

it’ll bring a lot of different emotions, it’s gonna be interesting;

so

in my mind’s eye I can see a four digit display; current flowing; light glowing

states of matter

state of affairs

matter of fact

four red digits;

do you know what does the eight figure mean in mathematics?

personal numerology

the palm of my hand is trembling

exhausted from a whole day of throwing darts

may I please

remain in this space?

let me plug in my tablet

it’s hard to have some clarity in all this noise

all the noise

Yep, once again I’m in and out of this place. Maybe it was less misery. But less contemplation as well. All in all, wouldn’t call it a good time.

I think I’m out of my miserable place again. Today was really tough.

I have so much anxiety about love, fucking hell, it’s another world. It’s overwhelming. Ok, calm the fuck down. Let me deal with that later. I need to talk to my girl.

I need to prioritize.

Anyway, I’m out of the place I think. I had less time and space for misery and contemplation, but it was and is intense. Not a good time at all. Right now I’m not feeling good as well. This fucking anxiety.

Fuck, am I back there again? I’m addicted to her.

// the next part comes after I had some sleep, not much, not really of good quality

It took me about three hours to get out of bed. I’ve been sleeping terribly lately.

Am I accumulating a baggage of unresolved life things to carry with me until I break under its weight? Is everyone?

I’m not sure how to describe how I feel, because it’s fluctuating and complex. But right now it’s in the negative space.

Fuck, my focus is shit. I fell into a state of total scatterbrainedness. Locked into a cage of idleness, obsessing over possibly unanswerable questions or whatever. Dooming myself to failure.

I’m afraid to get out of here. To go into the state of my normal productivity, put this on hold again, go through several more months of “once I get this off my mind, I’ll think about what really to do with myself”.

How to manage love, life, work, leisure, idleness?

Stop and think. Then stop thinking and do. Or never stop doing. Or never stop thinking.

I started reading Cat’s Cradle. Again. Just read some of the wikipedia entry on Vonnegut. So it goes.

And how about this fellow: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4vzhweOefs Money, time, health.

A contract for buying work.

No post took so long to finish as this one.

Fuck.

I wonder how many times did I use the word fuck, how many posts had a positive attitude to them, how many negative. How many long posts, how many short. How many sloppy, how many proper. How many outstanding. How much emotion, how much struggle, conflict, acceptance, conclusion, answers, questions. When did I start using just numbers for posts? How many outliers? What made me quit things, regress into shit again, what made me do good. What made me accomplish, achieve? How much did I push myself, how much I should have? How much more?

How many imaginary things? How many real? How much truth, how much of the opposite? How many times I was wrong, how many times right? On the right track? What is right? Something is, right?

Some stuff is. Better that other. Is everything relative? Can it be? Isn’t it that something has to be absolute?

I’m thinking in questions. Cause I just don’t know. I used to be more certain. I already said this. Confidence does shit. Even if it’s unsubstantiated. Put a confident person with lower skill and a guy full of doubt with higher skill against one another and see who does better. Self-depreciation doesn’t accomplish much. No good.

The thing about the drop of water shaping a rock was good.

This is a time of stress. So, going by my own advice I should distance myself from everything for a moment and reflect. Go at ease. Get a new perspective. That’s what I’m trying to do.

Keep on trying. Trying what though?

I got used to all this, but that doesn’t mean that I feel comfortable.

Fuck, I need to train my focus.

Just did the opposite. Jumped around a podcast.

Anyway. My plan for today is just to take naps. No real sleep. 1.5 h naps at most. Scattered through the day. Real sleep in the evening. No caffeine. I’m cutting this shit down. Maybe I’ll look into vitamin drinks though. See if these make a difference.

I’m just getting angry a lot lately. Pretty unstable.

Falling out of balance is what mustn’t happen.

It’s almost 6 AM. So that’s out of balance. It’s just this light. Or something. Lights on. Laptop’s monitor on. Vision getting shittier. Sight.

At least I have a :3 emoticon on my palm. Drawn with a black marker. I need to take a shower.

I just sneezed two times and now I can hear the blood in my head.

And promise me this: after waking up, just start doing the todo list and kill all the sidetracking bullshit until you fall on your face in the evening.

Then congratulate youself.

Ha, 8777. Pretty cool.

Ah, we. People. Humans. Aren’t we fucked up? And yet we manage to get shit done. Somehow. It’s all pretty alright, if you look at the extent of our fuckedupness. We try.

Let me be an optimist today. We’ll make it.

I’ll make it. Yeah, let’s explore this. What if I make it? Normally I would start answering this with another question: “what it is?“.

But today I’m just gonna go right (well not really now) into it. First thing that comes to mind. So. What if I make it?

Well. I’ll be a creator. I’ll create what, games? Experiences? Stories? How, when, for whom?

Where is the desire for doing that coming from? What am I actually doing to be that?

I’m all caught up in this life mess now. Balance. Not quite present at the moment.

What’s with my love? What’s with my girl? Friend? How will this go? Am I up for a great heartbreak?

I need a place, a space to express myself. To myself. And to other.

I realized, in solving this love conundrum, that I am really emotional. Or I’ve become. I thought I was much more rational. I mean, I am that too. I try to be. It is me. But now I can’t deny having this other side too. And it’s pretty powerful. Both are. Are they opposites? And what are opposites?

The relationship between two extremes of the same spectrum, what is it?

And how about evil? All the tragedy in the world? People murdering, raping, destroying, mindless behavior. Wars. Taking advantage of someone’s suffering. Laws of nature. Hunters and prey. Dog eat dog. Big fish eat small fish. Survival of the fittest. Survival. Toughness. Being a dick. Being an asshole. Fucking others over. Antagonizing people. Alienating people. Manipulating people. Being egocentrical. Ego. Maximizing one’s own benefit. Just plain evil, for it’s own sake. Evil weirdness. Drawing pleasure from doing evil things. Evil and bad. The difference. Evil out of necessity?

And here I made like a 30-40 minute break to read about Birdman on IMDB. Did I mention that I have a problem with procrastination?

What it really is, anyway? And what is melancholy? And depression? Don’t we just love to have some all-encompassing slogans?

What if the detail never ends? Even if it does, it may not matter if you can never get to the bottom of it. Literally too. What level of generality should we/I operate on then? Should we flow between those. Adjust them to whatever else? But if you’re adjusting everything all the time the only thing that’ll come out of it is chaos. If there are no constants. Right? Or wrong?

I used to be more certain. Some things used to be simpler. Or so they seemed. But it’s all the same to me. Or is it? See?

Question everything. Really? How? And there’s an inherent paradox in that.

Is everything inherently paradoxical? And if it is, what to do with that fact? What becomes of logic and rationalism and stuff that works then?

Fuck, even mathematics breaks down when you look in hairy places. So is there anything to hold on to? In this universe?

The speed of light maybe?

Many opposing forces in my head. Should I write it all off as some philosophical bullshit and carry on not thinking about it anymore? Not wasting another minute on trying to answer these endless questions? Just living? Should I become zen about it? Just live in the now, in the moment? How do you interpret that anyway? What’s your idea of seizing the moment? What’s your understanding of living in the now? How can I confuse those two things? Well, they do touch on a common theme. Level of detail again?

Should I just drop everything and isolate myself from the world for a while? Fuck do I feel overwhelmed. Some people have it worse. To what extent are you the author of your own suffering?

Is suffering another buzzword? Buzzword is not the right word, I know. But you get the idea.

Doing stuff in parallel. Stuff happening in parallel. Dependence. Independence. Sequential. Concurrent. Parallel.

Fuckin’ analogies.

Ah, life. Such a trip.

So anyway, what if I succeed? I’ll be a creator. Some will say an artist. I ate all the chocolate. It was bitter, but pretty alright with peanut butter.

Right, an artist. So there’s music, there’s visual art. Drawing, painting, animation. Characters. Storytelling. Writing. Communicating. Hard facts, knowledge, observations. Feelings. Conclusions, truths.

And the technical side. Coding. Putting it together. Creating an interactive experience. But do I really want to do that? How about minimalism?

What about it? Where in all this it resides?

What does jack of all trades means anymore? How do I function?

Hedonism is not the answer either. Is there a balance? Or is this just a struggle?

What is the extent of my stupidity? It’s been about three times that I used the word extent in this post.

Are my muscles atrophying? My abilities? Fuck, I’m so scattered. It’s cold here. In this room. I don’t feel anything near comfortable with the amounts of money at my disposal. I am poor. I have computers, access to the internet, I don’t have to walk long kilometers to get water every day. What about these people? What if shit happens to them? Breaking a leg? Getting sick? Like really sick. How about infections? Stronger immune systems? Diets?

How about I imagine myself as way lower than I am? How about I imagine myself as higher? How about I don’t imagine shit? What is this higher-lower bullshit anyway? What sort of a fucker am I?

Does the confusion ever stop? Is all meaning forged? Are there just feelings of understanding and confusion, but no reality in them? What’s the difference?

Can I make it on my own? And how much “on my own” do I mean? When am I ok with dying? Am I ok with it? How? Will this be a good way? Cool enough for ya?

How about the technological singualrity? How about rendering all these questions meaningless/stupid/useless/bullshit/whatever? Is this post composed mostly of questions?

It’s 4:44 am. Fuck. My sleeping cycle is completely unfit to society. I feel like I don’t fit in. Anywhere.

So what if I succeed? Money. I’ll be making money. That’ll keep me safe. If I have a safety buffer, a security valve, a just in case scenario, I can at least stop worrying about that. What’s the point of worrying anyway? How about when shit hits the fan we deal with it and not waste time on what-ifs? What if money were no object? What if all these concerns didn’t exist? What sort of what ifs did I have in mind?

Should I act as if or as I see it? Do I see it right? I need new glasses. Or contact lenses. Do I? It sucks to see poorly. I have a pimple on my face that’s about to burst. It itches.

I’m becoming sleepy.

How I wish it would all work out. Just work out. What can I do but try? And just make these imperfect plans. Try to find my way in the darkness.

What are the constants?

Calm down.

This will soon be or already is the longest post I’ve written here. Definitely one of the longest. What’s the meaning of that?

What are the things that I will never experience? How many more times will I experience the things that I’ve already experienced?

I don’t read. How many books will I read during my lifetime? How many products of culture will I consume? How many will I create? What good will they be?

How much money will I spend throughout my entire life? How much will I gain? Will I leave some? I hope I will not owe anything. At the moment I don’t. I rarely borrow. If I do, I give back ASAP. I don’t remember the last time I borrowed money from someone. Fucking money.

Competitions out of thin air. Pressure. Fucking with our states of mind.

Happy pills or a balanced life. Placebo. Nocebo.

And what if I haven’t had enough sleep and I make things shittily and then they’ll say I’m no good? And I’ll say yeah, apparently.

Did my teeth get more yellow? Fuck, I’m starting to feel like I’m falling apart lately. How do I get it all back on track? What are the causes of this state of things?

And now a 10 minute break for a podcast. I better send this post unitl I lose it. I’ll make another one immediately.

Fun, achievement.

Entertainment, work.

Oscillation. A lot of things on the todo list. Some more years left to live. Order all these things of life. Go figure it out. New stuff, new trouble. Yummy to solve it.

Drive, determination, sloppiness, depression.

All in your head, all external.

Technology, nature.

So many conversations in our heads. Conflicting thoughts. Conflicting points of view.

Conflict, harmony.

Global, local.

I'm the tidying monster. Tidy, tidy.

Music, movies, consumption, creation.