lone x lost

I fucked up again. and again and again. I said stuff i wasnt supposed to. Im not sure why i all of a sudden became more talkative and even saying secrets about other people i shouldnt. Its fucked up and i know its fuucked up. what im confused about is whether or not i should have done anything. should i have apologized if i knew they dont care for them? like i still think they deserved an apology because anyone does in a fucked up situation, but i know they think it only serves the person apologizing bc the person who was done dirty just has to relive it. I used to think that thats just an emotionally immature answer, but now I don't know. i dont know if i should have even done it. i dont know if i should have even talked to them, they said theyd been ignorning me for a reason and i should have got the message. and yeah i probably should have.

i really fucking hate myself because i cant seem to gauge situations right ever. Its fine for others to talk about their secrets or friends secrets but i should have known to not do so. im a liar and a bitch and that is what i am.

I misunderstand a lot about relationships. I’m never fully aware of where I stand with people bc too many people don’t function the same way I do. I know a friendship is a project rather than a destination, but it sometimes is hard to know if they see me as their friend in the same way.

Like, in video games when you friend a character it moves up by checkpoint rather than a scale. You could leave the character alone and not develop their story arc but still talk to them everyday. In real life, if u talked and gradually got to know to someone, to me that would increase the slider of friendship. It’s not a fixed checkpoint, it’s a slider. But I feel like that’s not how relationships work.

I hate the way my face looks. Nothing about it seems appealing. I wonder if I got jaw surgery and a nose job if I would look somewhat prettier. I hate when I smile. My face looks squashed and morphed.

Meeting new people is weird. I had one of those convos where I was trying to tell a story and kept getting cut off. And no one really wanted to even hear it. Or anytime it’s just me and one person it’s quiet. No one wants to talk. They leave to talk to other people. Maybe I’m not interesting. Or maybe I’m too annoying, what I say is not.

There’s one person who wirh everyone else jokes around wirh, but me is very stern , almost in a parental way. They told me to not touch my car battery without gloves. I said I did research on it and am familiar with how to. But they scolded me? Then immediately after changed moods.

An old friend messaged me a week ago. I was surprised bc we don’t have a close relationship and in the past she only messaged to ask for something. Which isn’t an issue at all, I just wish that more people who be direct in asking what they need from me than asking me about my life bc it gets my hopes up they are genuinely curious. And then times where people are genuinely checking in I’m skeptical.

I found that many of my ex’s friends — who were also acquaintances with me before dating — unfollowed me. I know I shouldn’t care bc those very same people said stuff about me when my ex divulged out sex life to them. But it makes me anxious because what if I’m misremembering . What if I actually coerced him and assaulted him and all these years I have thought I was the victim when I wasn’t. It sounds absurd. I have the texts to prove he did what he did and him admitting it but I just can’t help but feel like maybe I’m wrong. And then I think of people asking me why I didn’t report him and it makes me nervous that people think I’m lying which then makes me think what if I am lying? I know why I didn’t report — he would have most likely offed himself if I had. Then what do I do? Live with that?

I think I’m prettier than I am. I think that I deserve someone who I find as ‘attractive’ as me but realistically I’m not that attractive. If I got a nose job would it help? If I got Botox would it help? Im delusional I know. I think that if I reach some sort of prettiness then xxxx will be more destined to like me? It’s so dumb.

I feel like I haven’t actually talked about life to anyone in awhile. What’s going on, how I feel, the future in any serious sense.

 I shouldn’t be mad at mom, I want to be but I know it’s not fair. She wasn’t there much when I was a kid bc she was struggling too. I know she threatened to kick me out or send me to a nunnery because she cares but is it wrong to say it still hurts? I have a roof over my head and im cared for. But why does it feel like im not enough? Is it white privilege? Am I playing a victim? Im sure it has to be. It’s pathetic to feel sad. Earlier I wrote In my notebook how I feel I have no agency. It’s a lie. sure some things have been taken from me like not getting to go to college, or quitting my favourite sport, or having to move out - but really it’s just a lame excuse. I hate it here. Im 28 and I hate it here. There are people dying in a genocide and im depressed? Fucking pathetic. I know I should direct this self hate towards helping, but I don’t have money.  I cant pay for transit to go to protests, I barely have money to donate. 

I want to start by saying that anyone can identify the way they want to and I don’t have an issue with that.

Back during the many movements for gay rights, yes many trans men still associated with the lesbian community because that’s where they grew up, where they found a safe space, where they developed friendships and family. (Please read Stone Butch Blues) But I can’t help but think that instead of figuring out a way to make trans men feel validated in their lives experience AND still associated with the community they grew with, the decision was to make the term lesbian more inclusive, when maybe the spaces they were in should have been more inclusive. I understand that a lot of tensions were high and that may have not been the option available, but I wonder if it is now.

Because that’s where inherently is an issue. Choosing to not think critically of making a space more inclusive is an issue. The label trans man lesbian is not.

I’d also like to call out that the tension between gay men, lesbian women, and straight people in the 70s WERE HIGH AF, so much so to the extent that trans people were caught in this weird limbo of “Well I identified as a gay man, but now I may be a straight woman - but I don’t like the straights they’ve hurt me” and vice versa

I have been thinking this for awhile and I wanted to share. The truth is AFAB and AMAB reduce people back to their genitals, something the queer community tried to get away from for years. It also continues to blur the sex and gender lines more than they already are. My proposal is to start using Socialized As a Girl/Boy/Neither(SAAG/SAAB/SAAN). There are a few reasons why I make this propositon:

It honours the nuance of gender experiences that are unique to being socialized as a girl or a boy (and kids now being raised as neither). By this I mean the very small things that SAAG and SAAB go through that affect a person on a deeper level. For example, SAAG are often taught to be more observant in almost everything they do. By acknowledging that a person at some point was SAAG it allows Trans Men and Nonbinary people to still connect to the experiences of being hypervigilant. Another example is how many Trans Women talk about still feeling like they cannot cry when sad because they were SAAB.

It allows Intersex the acknowledgement AND even acknowledges the nuances of Intersex people who may have been AFAB at birth but SAAB. Also using SAAN helps new parents who are deciding to raise their intersex children (and non intersex children) genderless until that child can choose themself.

It brings back the importance that gender is a social construct that will change as time changes. AFAB and AMAB i think can still be used for certain conversations but as i said before, sex ≠ gender and it needs to stop being mixed as such

I have no grounds for this, I am well aware. But it always bothered be that the first iteration of the pride flag was changed because the lack of availability to get pink fabrics. The meaning behind every stripe was so beautiful and I want to see it back again.

Name tbd but I was thinking something with progress and tribute in it

Picture 1 is a flag that features the original flag and progress flag combined. Picture 2 has the addition of a blue stripe for ALL indigenous genders and sexualities around the world and purple for persons of all disabilities. I want to clarify that I am nether visibly disabled or an indigenous person but I realized some things. There was no flag for indigenous peoples internationally, none that encompassed those from all cultures who have 3 or more genders, 3 set sexualities, 4 genders etc etc. I chose the blue to symbolize the water that connects us all.

The purple stripe for people of all disabilities, as it is seen as the international colour of disability