what am i doing? my best

my girlfriend wont have sex with me until i clean up all my toys off the floor

IT IS OKAY TO SIT ON THE FLOOR AND PLAY WITH TOYS

I want George Washington replaced with Dolly Parton on the dollar bill and I want people to call it a Dolly bill and no sir I have not been smoking this idea is reasonable and sound thank you and good day.

Maybe my life wouldn't be better if I had magic powers but I'd at least have different, sexier problems.

dude is fast as shit

a cute girl told me she has lots of plants in her house and i told her, for some fucking reason “damn the oxygen at your place must be mad crisp” and somehow still got her number so. chase your dreams. nothing is impossible apparently

a kid getting her period doesn’t mean she’s a woman, it means she’s like 13 & having a normal bodily function she needs to know about & should be allowed to stay home from school if she wants bc cramps SUCK

Honestly I’m not gonna survive the apocalypse. Y'all go on gathering berries and drinking cockroach milk (apparently) and forming barter economies and I’m gonna stay in my house until the last of my seltzer runs out and then I’m gonna put on an all cashmere outfit and lay down and die. Have fun fending off the coyotes and doomsday cults and living on expired canned goods in a world with no more Netflix. Pass.

explain the cashmere

Have you… never felt cashmere?