When I say rambley, I mean it. Going on a full journey here.

My first ‘foray’ into fandom was well over a decade ago. I participated in role-play forums, I attempted some fan art, wrote a few fics (one of which was left unfinished), even attempted a fan video that never saw the light of day because my computer crashed before I finished. At the time I still considered myself more on the fringes/lurker territory.

Anyway, life happened. Graduated, got a job, got married, had a kid. Slowly priorities shifted. Add in a couple of serious mental health crises and I drifted even further into fandom lurker territory. Looking up an occasional fic or fan art but not really anything more.

Then, a few years after 2020, I discovered Julie and the Phantoms and it took over my brain unlike anything had before.

The only problem? I swore up and down I was not going to get back into fandom again. While my previous experience wasn’t wholly terrible, there were a couple negative moments cemented in my mind that had left a sour enough taste in my mouth.

However, despite my best efforts I just couldn’t let it be. I had one particular fic idea that just wouldn’t let me be. To try an appease my brain I strong armed it into something else, recorded it, and hoped that would be that.

It wasn’t.

As soon as that one left another replaced it. Rather predictably (even if I was too stubborn to see it at the time) writing that one down only added more fuel to the growing fire.

While that was happening I had hopped back on my tumblr, at that time I think I’d been off it for a few years. I started following some of my more favorite authors from AO3 (another recent discovery at the time) and if I recall correctly, interacting with them.

I also saw them do these ‘writing prompts.’ The concept intrigued me. Additionally, those writers started interacting with me back.

So, with a bit of a vacation coming up, I gave myself permission. During the time frame of said vacation I would write prompts, even my own version of a prompt challenge. However, once said vacation was done so too would the writing end.

What happened instead was the start of a year where I wrote the most I ever had in my life. Aided by the encouragement of my new found circle of friends.

It was the most creative and quite frankly the most outgoing I had ever been. I took prompts, I joined events, did fandom things I’d previously only tentatively ever considered.

Then there was a compounding of events.

Apparently, the fandom I am in was a turbulent one. I heard stories of behavior, drama, and {} that made my skin crawl and my stomach turn. Evidently the fandom I am in is a ‘dying’ one. A turn of phrase I took great offense too. Along with every single post I saw decrying the inevitability of it’s end.

Not on my watch, I decided. Be the change I wanted to see and all that.

I made on effort to comment more. Tag more. To the point where I felt guilty if I was having a bad brain day and couldn’t say much if anything at all.

On a bit of a whim, and after little debate, I organized an event after seeing someone bemoaning a lack of them. It was relatively small, and while I thoroughly enjoyed the work, it did eat up chunks of my spare time.

Even after the muse shifted, and I joined up with a different fandom. I still keep Julie and the Phantoms close to my heart, and if life and my brain ever allow I do plan on continuing with my fics someday.

In my short bitter statement I said I was killing myself. While a tad hyperbolic it certainly felt (and feels) that way. You see, I am extremely introverted with social anxiety. Meaning my natural battery tends to be rather low.

On top of all this increased fandom activity, there was personal life drama, as well as a shift in my full time job. Due to some manning shortages I had to take on a much more extroverted role than I previously had, with a lot more responsibility, while also ensuring the work of my previous role was not completely forgotten. Leaving me very little time to effectively recharge and rest.

Not to mention. . .

The fandom was dying they said.

Fandom as a whole was changing, they hadn’t yet realized (or didn’t want to say? Perhaps?)

I barely understood how to be in fandom prior.

This new fandom environment is one I understand even less. (Honestly, the whole internet has changed in such a way that I just don’t know how to navigate anymore).

All the same.

I could point fingers. Place blame. I will (attempt to) not do that.

I have neither the scope, nor expertise to do so. All I have is my own perceptions and experiences.

In my experiences, the interactions have dried up. I saw a quote the other day though I can’t recall where or from who. “Everyone wants a village but no one wants to be a villager.” Honestly, don’t think I can think of a more fitting quote for what I am seeing in fandom. (With exceptions of course, but I am speaking broad strokes at the moment.)

And all my efforts to not fit into this negative outlook only were making me feel guilty. I wasn’t doing enough. Commenting enough. Reaching out enough. Fics and people started disappearing with nary a word of warning. Despite no evidence to support it I felt as if I was to blame, even if partially.

An entirely selfish view of the matter but one my brain loves to torment me with.

All unaided by the lack of interaction with my own works.

I don’t think I am the greatest of artists or writers. I know I can greatly improve my craft. I don’t think people have to comment or reblog or tag. It’s their right and perogitive. Kudos are still great and if that’s all they have energy for than that’s what they have energy

But I won’t lie.

Comments, reblogs, and tags are great motivators. Plus the added bonus of making me feel like I am actually heard and seen.

I have long struggled with the notion that I could drop off the face of the planet and nothing would change. It’s incorrect and false, I know. But it’s loud and ever present and every day I spend any significant amount of time online these days it only grows worse.

I’ve always said I write for me but I share for you. I can just as easily keep my writing and art to myself and get the same level of interaction as I currently seem to get. (Again, broad stroke speaking. I know there a few fics with some very interested readers, most of which I know how to directly contact and share that way)

I probably could reach out more. Initiate more. Talk more.

But I am just soooo exhausted. And upcoming life changes require me to really consider where my priorities lay.

So, I am retreating back to the fringes. Drawing and writing when I can. Slowly working on finishing those fics I said I would. (Still have those Bobby and Willie fics on the back burner but life took an unexpected turn that made writing extremely difficult, right now)

Maybe you’ll see me pop up in the comments section of a random fic.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading my venty ramble.