Iām pretending all the time to be, kinder, stronger, funnier, more sociable than I am. I guess weāre all like that but it just feels so inadequate.
Whatās the difference?
I know it sounds flippant butā¦ certain things are fundamentally performative. Ā And other things are so close as makes no difference.
Kindness is performative. Ā Actions are kind, and people are kind by performing those actions. Ā You canāt āpretendā to be kinder than you are, you can only perform kindness or not perform kindness, and choosing to perform kindness is always worthwhile, no matter how much you may second-guess your motivations.
Strength is so many things. Ā It takes strength to pretend a strength you donāt feel. Ā And the way to achieve strength is to exercise it, so long as you do it in enough moderation to not strain or break anything. Ā Being able to affect strength when necessary while being able to put it down again when that in turn is necessary is healthy. Ā Everyone starts weight training with the littlest weights. Ā Itās not fake or pretending to do what you gotta do in any given situation.
Funniness lives in the interlocutor, not in the speaker. Ā It doesnāt matter how funny you think you are (or think you are pretending to be) - thatās not how itās measured. Ā At what point are youĀ āpretendingā to be a musician if the music still gets made? Ā And often what itās tempting to describe in first person asĀ āpretendingā is more accurately described in the third person asĀ āpracticingā - which is of course the way you cause things to Be.
Sociability is also performative. Ā Pretending to be sociable is justā¦being sociable, despite a disinclination towards it. Ā Itās making an effort towards something you value. Ā So long as the effort is not so great that it backfires into resentment, thereās no practical difference. Ā
Qualities or activities or whatever are no less worthy because you have to actively choose to perform them. Ā If anything, the worthiness lies in the act of choosing. Ā Itās notĀ āpretendingā - itās agency.
tl;dr:Ā aināt nothing wrong withĀ āfake it till you make it.ā Ā A plastic spoon* holds just as much soup as aĀ ārealā one
* I keep wanting to talk about semantic domains! Ā Artifacts are defined by their utility, whereas living things are defined by their identity. Ā So plastic forks are still forks, but plastic flowers arenāt flowers. Ā So thereās two pep-talk messages to take away from this: (1) for certain things, the distinction betweenĀ āfakeā andĀ ārealā isnāt a relevant one so long as they still get the job done, and (2) the purpose of a living thing is to be the thing that it is. Ā The idea of aĀ āuseless personā is as semantically nonsensical as the idea ofĀ āpretend kindnessā (or fake cutlery).
I love this post. It illustrates what I think is maybe the key difference between a developing self-identity and a formed self-identity, which is, likeā¦confidence?Ā If you are BEING kind, consistently, if you are prioritizing that over your own comfort or fatigue or even, occasionally, your emotional inclination (because OH MY GOD FUCKĀ THIS GUY, I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HEREāuuughhh, but no, Iām not gonna lash out at him, that wonāt accomplish anything, and besides, heās probably had a bad day, heās under a lot of stress, I donāt have to be an asshole about thisā¦), guess what? That makes you kind. That is literally what kindness is. Same for patience, same for strength, same for all of this stuff. You got it. Youāre doing it. Youāre not faking anything. Stop second-guessing yourself and cutting yourself down. Give yourself enough credit to look at your actions and confidently assert to yourself that you are no longer just making things up as you go.Ā
