Still a simp for Genshin characters

Dick: We could play outside.

Jason: We could sit on the left side of the couch.

Tim: I could use the bathroom at 8:20.

All: …

(Meanwhile Alfred finally feels his chest loosen up a bit)

Bruce: nonchalantly sewing up his own arm and bleeding everywhere like it's nothing

Alfred: disapproving but standing by with extra towels

Gotham Gazette, literally the next day: BREAKING NEWS: Bruce Wayne Announces Adopted Son Jason Todd has Tragically Perished Overseas

Bruce looks out his window and grimaces at the tall grass, weeds, and vines growing out of control. He knows most of his children are adults and don’t live with him, but he can’t help but worry that they might get hurt if they go out into the backyard

There could be snakes, spiders, sharp rocks, and anything else that would range from mildly inconvenient to a sudden trip to the doctor

So, he makes the best decision in his life (according to Damian)

One day, in the early morning, a large trailer comes rolling up to the Wayne property, and Bruce opens the side gate for them to come around back

Damian watches in boredom as his father talks with the man who owns the truck, knowing nothing of what is about to happen, before watching as the back is unlatched and opened

Suddenly, there are like 40 goats spreading across the property and getting to work, chewing away leisurely, and bleeting as they explore the property

Bruce has never seen Damian's face light up so brightly, and seen him move so fast to scramble outside and pet as many goats as he could get his hands on

(They are old works posted after Here series)

jason: Why?

damian: Tim fiddled with an ouija board and cursed the manor.

...whatever this situation he found himself in was.

He's out on some minor assignment, weeding out an xenobiological environmental depracator from a thriving developing civilization. It's a one-done deal and he's elected to spend the next few hours saying hello to locals, playing with the kids, and maybe doing some "shopping" (because everyone refuses to let him pay)

Hal is joined by a galactic diplomat who makes polite conversation that's led them to this particular string of dialogue:

Alien Diplomat: You've bought so many fine cloths and toys! To whom are they for?

Hal: Some are for my children, actually.

Alien Diplomat: You are mated then! Wonderful ^^ ! How many are in your brood? Strong Lantern such as yourself, you must have plenty of children!

Hal, figuring he should clarify things: Oh, no, all are adopted. Well, adopted by my boyfriend. Or, well, I guess the more understandable way to call it is that he's my mate.

Alien Diplomat: You and your mate don't have children together?

Hal: Well, he has kids when we started dating, and they're as good as family.

Alien Diplomat: But you would like to have a child with your mate?

Hal: I mean, it's a fantasy but Bruce can't really have kids.

Alien Diplomat: Oh, I see. It is a health issue!

Hal, thinking they understand it's because both he and Bruce have none of the parts for it: Sort of?

Alien Diplomat: No matter! We can help you overcome it so you can impregnate your mate! ^^ How many children would you like to put in him?

Hal: ??????????????

Alien Diplomat: :DD ?

Hal: I'm sorry WHAT.

And that's why, 2 weeks later, a gift crash lands into Wayne Manor's front lawn full of aphrodisiacs, body alteration-inducing medication, courting gifts, and foreign-written instructions on how to ensure procreation during intercourse that will lead to at least 3-4 children on the first pregnancy.

Alfred is loading his shotgun. Damian and Duke have not stopped laughing. Leslie is rattling on over the phone about how "I AM NOT BECOMING ANOTHER 2 AM MEDICAL BOOTY CALL FOR A HORNY WAYNE"

Bruce is blushing.

More accurately, he vividly remembers how the little squirt transferred his stomach bug over to him after he got better, and Bruce was left feeling as though he was on death’s door.

He’s been poisoned and has poisoned himself for training, but nothing felt as bad as that stomach bug.

He had heard over his peruse of the internet that kids and seen parents playfully complain that their kids always give them the strongest version of whatever virus they're dealing with. He thought it was a cute little joke

Now he couldn't breathe through his nose, and his everything hurts so fucking bad

The worst part is that he still has to be a parent while all he wants to do is curl up in bed and die immediately. Dick, unfortunately, made the speediest recovery and regained his boundless energy, and absolutely needed Bruce to play with him like usual

While the yarn was made of what seems to be high-quality material, the overall quality of the scarf isn’t so good. It was clearly homemade.

“… this is scented…” Bruce rumbled, looking up at Hal, who was very pointedly looking away from him. "You scented this."

“Oh?” Hal scratched the back of his neck, leaning back on his heels and rocking, a sign of anxiety and nervousness. “Uh, yeah… I guess I did scent it…”

Bruce looked down again and rubbed his hand over the soft scarf. “Is this your way of courting me?” Despite his voice not wavering, Bruce asked the question with a certain sense of hesitance.

Hal sputtered, his face scrunching up like he was going to deny it, before his entire body drooped like the fight got drained out of him, and he looked down at his hands. “Yeah…”

Bruce gently rubbed the soft yarn between his fingers, even holding it away from his face; he could smell Hal's scent drenching the scarf. "It's pretty fragile." He noted, looking over at a few loose pieces of yarn that would unravel the entire thing if he tugged on it.

"Uh, yeah..."

Bruce pressed his lips together, glancing up at Hal before looking back down at the scarf. "It's so fragile that I couldn't possibly wear it out in public. It could get snagged on something and fall to pieces."

Hal's entire body seemed to collapse on itself as Bruce talked, his pheromones gaining a sour, despondent scent. "L-look, we can forget this entire thing; I can take it back-" Hal reached his hands out, intent on snatching it away and hiding out in space until the Earth exploded or something.

Bruce dodged Hal's hands and hugged the scarf to his chest. "No, this is mine. I simply meant... it's so fragile that it should be kept inside my nest for safekeeping..." A soft flush took over Bruce's cheeks as he looked away from the other man.

Hal blinked, and then his own blush came over his face. "O-oh! So... so is that-?"

Bruce rolled his eyes and grabbed Hal by the collar, dragging him forward and planting a soft kiss on his lips right then and there. After a minute or two, Bruce pulled away and grinned for a moment at the stupid, dazed expression on Hal's face.

"You're drooling, fly boy."

Hal blinked, trying to come up with a snappy response like he always did, but he felt as though his brain was completely fried after kissing Bruce. "Uh... yeah... so is this a yes?"

The corner of Bruce's mouth twitched up. "Yes, it is." He stated firmly. "I suppose it would be unreasonable of me if I didn't give you a chance..."

A wide smile broke out across Hal’s face, and despite thinking it might not go well, he surged forward and hugged the omega in front of him tightly.

It was a testament to how much Bruce liked him when all he did was sag into his hold instead of pushing him away. "You're not gonna regret this, Spooky, I swear."

"Don't call me Spooky when you just asked to court me."

"... My Omega...?"

"That would also make you My Omega."

Bruce Wayne: We are.

Tim Drake: For who exactly?

Dick Grayson whispering to Jason: People who desperately need therapy.