gangrene

howdy! I’m your resident Christian with a token tumblr blog!

I am a MAJOR (aka adult). my pronouns are she/her. certified dudegal, bro

I do reblog stuff with swears, so beware!

-important tags used around my blog-

#ack - all my original posts/some reblogs with stuff I’ve added on that I think’s important

#draws - my drawings

#text post - my text posts

#ocs - my ocs

#hcs - my headcanons of various things

fandom posts have their corresponding tags!!

anyways this is my pinned introduction post here’s my commission info GOOD. DAY.

AUGH I feel like jax from tadc rn (and I did almost cry when the backstory montage played cause unfortunately, relatable, but that is NOT reflective of me). But no, I just don’t want to put my emotional stuff out there and have people feel like they have to answer. I’m just venting to the void! Don’t worry! It just feels nice to type it out sometimes. And I do use this account for that. Makes it feel normal including it with all my other posts. Never feel like you have to answer, okay?

Edit: I want to preface that I made this in a sort of “freak out” time, but I did not mean any harm to any one. I just wanted to voice some controversial frustrations and questions I have. I am looking into my thoughts and doing more research.

Ok, fine, controversial yutti time. This is long, personal, and not like my usual posts, so, warning there.

I’ve never been to a pride parade, and I don’t want to. all that said, my info could be off here, but I’ve just heard this multiple times without valid refute.

I don’t care how “for the outcasts” pride parades are, people cannot go to pride parades visibly sexualizing themselves or showing off their kinks when there’s KIDS around. And yes there’s going to be kids around! Is it not a space for all? Is it not the goal to prove that being gay isn’t perverted and is normal and pure? It’s not a “well those kids are not my problem. I’m here to express myself” sort of thing. Dude, not showing sexual things to kids is a CIVIL DUTY. More than that it’s illegal to do the opposite! End of story. There’s no valid rebuttal to that. I don’t care if that makes your life harder!

I don’t know, honestly there’s a lot of sketchy stuff going on in the lgbtq community that people just overlook because they’re already hated on enough. And I am SO off kilter about it right now. It’s really starting to make me think that being gay or trans is rightfully bad because this is just the core of the community. If “just two boys in love” is the same as whatever that is then gosh stay away from it.

Drag queens are another thing. The idea itself isn’t inherently bad (dressing up as a campped out version of something), but the drag queen connotation? Actually sexual. Most of them are from clubs, most of them sexualize their outfits because clubs, and most of them talk in a dirty way per their persona. These aren’t good things to be doing, but this isn’t like super bad for adults to see. But I understand why parents would not want drag queens with easily accessible explicit history to be going to schools talking to their kids. Or otherwise it’s easily accessible to learn about drag queens then find the wrong path of them quick. Listen, drag queens do some really cool stuff, but the fact still remains that most of them are a club presence, which the adult club scene is not for kids. I don’t think showing kids someone dressed up extravagantly in sfw drag is bad, but it’s the connection. It’s important, and I feel it’s brushed off to the side once again because gay people have been through too much. Drag queen idea = cool. Drag queens unfortunately being inherently still connected to explicit material = BAD. NOT FOR KIDS.

and yes I’m gonna bring up THE OTHER controversial thing and that’s allowing kids under 18 to take HRT. I get it they may feel lost in their own body, but goodness they’re still growing let them cook! Everyone feels a little weird in their growing bodies! A lot of people take HRT by mistake because they’re too young. Let them experiment, let them learn who they are, but don’t let them permanently change their body until they’re sure. I wouldn’t recommend it until someone is like 21 actually. If they really are gender dysphoric, there’s other things to do. How many health complications will this cause? How many people are pushed to do HRT just because they think it’s the next thing to do? Also, I’m gonna be honest, I’m not sure HRT is the solution to body dysmorphia. I don’t like plastic surgery unless it’s truly needed, and I don’t like putting chemicals in people’s bodies when they’re healthy without it. I mean, do we really know what the long term side affects of this is? Doesn’t it neuter people? Isn’t that bad?

and unfortunately I have had gender dysphoria! And I have considered testosterone. And I hate admitting that, I’ve never admitted that on here despite stating I’ve wanted to be a man, but my friend pointed it out to me a bit ago that that’s what it was: gender dysphoria. I always said I had gender euphoria not gender dysphoria, but apparently that’s the same thing. I wanted to be a man so bad. I wanted the physique, the voice, the overall ability to be a hot man. But gosh if I took T that wouldn’t be me. I am a woman, and being a girl is what made me me. I know it’s not the same for all trans people, but I just can’t get the thought out of my mind that if it was like that for me, it was probably like that for a lot of people. After all, you sorta do research on if you’re trans or not based on other people’s experiences. And the internet, gosh the internet makes things so happy. But how nice is it being trans in real life? It’s not nice! For multiple reasons (I will say usually hate which does suck)! But the idea of at least pretending to be a man online… it was so tantalizing. I would keep thinking of ways to do it even after agreeing I’m not a man. Heck I thought of a new one today. But, gosh what’s the point if it’s not me! I don’t wanna live a life online, I wanna live a life irl! Which is why I hate social media sometimes. Ultimately I pretend online to let my creativity flow, but I want my creativity to flow in real life!

Listen, with all this, I’m just saying conservatives are asking valid questions, and they gets tossed to the side too easily. And I came to the gayest site to talk about this because of course I did.

Okay, I’m a Christian, and I’ve been struggling on whether being queer is a sin or not for YEARS. Probably since I was 10. YES I’ve prayed about it, but I don’t feel like I’ve gotten a clear answer. Every time I try to live like it’s a sin, I’m pulled back, and every time I try to live like it’s not a sin, I’m pulled back from that too. And I’ve covered it up on both sides for so long. In real life, I act like of course being queer is a sin. Online, I say words of affirmation that being queer isn’t a sin, but I don’t really know. I think, “there is good in being queer, so it can’t possibly be a sin!” Then I think “there is obviously something wrong with it, which makes it not the way God designed, which makes it pointless, which makes it a sin.” And then of course there’s how unChristian affirming Christians act, like actually a lot of them say a lot of major things that are not correct, and it makes me lose hope that queerness was ever anything remotely good. But of course then there’s homophobes who actually just hate for no reason! And a bunch of fake Christians on that side too! Which really makes me never want to be a homophobe! But if I don’t affirm queerness then I am a homophobe, and I’m lumped together with all the actually hateful people. If I affirm queerness then I’m a heretic, lumped in with all the people just saying soothing things.

I lean more towards conservatism because I’m drawn toward some liberal ideas that I’m not sure are really good (like queerness), and if I don’t think they’re good, that’s draw of the flesh, and I don’t want to live that way. But some conservative things are so stupid, and history has proven that progressive progression is usually the right way to go (ahem ahem SLAVERY) that I also can’t help but feel there’s some good in some liberal ideas. And there are things on both sides I’m absolutely sure are not good. But queerness, being gay, being trans, is one of the things I’ve noticed is MOST controversial to talk about. And that messed me the heck up. Cause I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about it except anonymously for ten years.

And I HATE that it’s so controversial! We’re saying talking about two consenting adults being together is more controversial than ABORTION which is controversial because it may or may not be KILLING A PERSON??? BECAUSE Y’ALL DON’T LIKE THE FACT THAT GAY PEOPLE EXIST? ARE WE SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? That’s why so many people become “queer” when they’re not, because you don’t let them TALK about it and EXPLORE. I’m in college now, and I’ve met a lot of people who don’t like Trump, but they don’t like gay people either. I’ve met people who are pro-choice, but they agree being queer is a sin and is not natural. It seems like the last line people cross before becoming liberal is whether you affirm queer people or not. People who are minding their own business living their lives it seems. Why? I mean, no I get why, but it’s still so baffling to me. It seems the most controversial thing you can talk about is your own lifestyle. Or not even that but the theoretical lifestyles of others cause you don’t usually work up the courage to talk about yourself. That’s why I shout about gay people all the time on here, cause I can’t do it irl. And maybe if I could have talked about it irl, I wouldn’t be so confused about this now. I hate saying that too: confused.