yeahh

here it is :p check it out if ur super duper

i just cant help hating every single thing that I create and im constantly losing the motivation. I can create small things that i like but when i put together my final body of work, i know that ill ultimately be unhappy with it no matter what.

my theme ive chosen for this high school art assignment is anti war because its something im passionate about. We have to create 5 to 7 pieces of various sizes. One of the other things thats tripping me up is were forced to take inspiration from other artists and try to incorporate their styles in our work. I cant. For the life of me. Whatever i try to do just ends up looking like a lifeless and weak attempt at their style. I prefer just developing my own personal one, but my teacher doesn’t allow that for this project. I love my art teacher so i dont want to disappoint her but i know that i am going to because art - the thing I’m supposed to be good at is becoming my greatest weakness. And im scared for my future because i want to take art for my remaining two years of school, and the workload will only double, then triple.

btw if u know me irl and happen to use tumblr and somehow manage to recognise me from the art then no you actually dont please just ignore this

The first one I actually liked but then when i showed my teacher she told me the perspective was bad, which admittedly it is, but i thought it was kinda artistically incorrect if that makes sense. Its the only one thats fully in my style, hence the character. The second one i just finished an hour ago and I like it but the colour scheme feels so off and actually looking at the details make me mad. The third, with the patterned background I like, but much like all the others doesnt look anything like the artist model i took inspiration from (banksy) because i ended up hating the stencil and painting details over it. The fourth one of the explosion is just terrible, rushed and the collours are bad. And the last one with the bird is my least favourite i hate it so fucking much.

i wish with everything ive got that i could be a better daughter to my dad. My mum died when i was young and now im all he has. I get sad whenever i think about the fact he has no real friends. But i cant be everything he needs and i hate myself for that. Because i have problems. i want to have one of those close father daughter relationships but i just cant, and i dont think he knows how to either. Hes the best dad ever but one day i know im going to have to leave home and i dont know what hes gonna do… i feel so sad i feel like ive wasted the time ive had with him and i cant, for the life of me make up for it.

i just went to say goodnight to him. He was watching aftersun… a movie about a single dad and his daughter’s last holiday before he fucking kills himself. I watched that movie a year ago and i still cry when i think about it because i know my dad gets so fucking sad sometimes. I wanted to sit down and watch it with him but im so stupid i just cant.