An unplanned mother

When we found out we were pregnant it was not a cause of celebration. But it doesn't seem quite right to tell people the sole reason you decided to have this child is because a termination is out of the question. Finding out were were pregnant was simply horrible.

We have always wanted to have a family, a dog and the figurative 'white picket fence' but not once have we expressed the desire to have a baby and be mummy and daddy. The idea was to think about doing that around age 35, close to 5 years from now. But certainly not now.

Baby Davy has now arrived and is simply wonderful. He is one week old today and while exhausting he is hugely rewarding and makes me feel like love. The same old line from every parent I've ever heard 'we weren't prepared for children either but when is anyone prepared?' and 'if we waited until we were ready the human race would have died out long ago'.

Some people have wondered why we didn't tell them, why they find out only after the baby is born? We just say 'mate, we haven't even told our families but Baby Davy is wonderful and we're loving each other and being parents'.

We're decorating a house before Baby Davy arrives, his due date 24 April, 19 days from today. This week we had the turf delivered, the boiler replaced, the plastering done and a new shower and toilet installed. It was all confirmed last minute and works started all at the same time. Things are finally being done but I still struggle to find positives. 

The last minute decisions feel like we're living on the edge and I'm always a little bit paranoid that I'm spending too much money or I'm being taken for a ride. The goal of course is the final result, I've watched enough decorating and renovation shows to expect some stress along the way.

A reminder for today is that I am having a child, a baby, a small person. That person requires a few things in life, luxuries of the first world. Hot running water, heating, a flushing toilet and a complete ceiling to sleep under. The garden repairs are for my sanity, an attempt to cope with the hormonal changes that I've been told most mothers contend with after giving birth. My garden will be a place to visit when inside becomes too much.

Packing the hospital bag has been completed and checked off of the list. Those few outstanding items, such as the outfit home, will come together as I finish the washing.

Packing the baby's bag was a little more difficult. The obvious and practical pieces came easily, nappies, creams, baby wipes, muslin clothes and a receiving blanket, but what do I dress him in? How big will he be, do I pack three different sizes of everything? Hat, scratch mittens and blanket for the car seat but do we put him in a vest under a onesie or do vests go under tops and trousers?

I am not a traditional type of person, not usually, but I am following both mine and Lloyd's family traditions in naming our son after family members. 

I don't really want to name my son before he is here and safely with us but as he will be named after significant men in our families the name wont change. They have after all had their names for more than 120 years combined, so I don't believe either of them will change in the next few months.

...and I really must buy those bricks before that happens! 

I have the love hate kind of relationship with my mother, I know, pretty common. She left me at two but continued to come in and out of my life every few years, this part not so common. We have never had a normal relationship but I always knew she was my mother.

Now my mother wants to be there for the birth of her first Grandson, the birth of my first child. I have started to wonder if this is what I want. I do love her but she is not the model of 'mother' that I want to follow and it makes me wonder if exposing my son to our relationship is actually a wise idea.

It's totally the shits right now, the worst kind ever, the kind where you can't do exactly that. Usually shitty times are the worst but when the choice, free will coupled with human necessity, are removed, it's the total shits.

I know this is a gripe for many pregnant woman and I hear how common it is but really, it is in fact so bad I'm genuinely surprised no one gave me more warning or advice on how to prepare. If you haven't hit this wall in your pregnancy yet, I highly recommend you start eating as much fruit as you can fit and think fibre fibre fibre, irrelevant of how far along you actually are.

Shoe Laces, my old friend... My new nemesis. I face you today. Under sunny and clear skies we meet again. We were friends once, you and I, those days seem so long ago. A different time, before... You were always there for me, secure and kind, you made me feel safe. Why Shoe Laces, why do you have to taunt me?! When did you become so out of reach?! 

I vow to you, oh SHOE LACES, when my powers return, I will tie you. . . 

I remind my lovely and loving father to be that he has to get his licence papers in so we can get the UK licence and test drive cars next week. He sends me a link, it's a reasonably priced wooden toilet seat and he asks me:

What do you think...? I'm sick of getting a pinched bum every time I sit down. They're only in-store, I think I'll inspect how the seat connects first, then yeah, I think I'll get one and install it. 

Okay great my love, but when were you going to drop off your papers for your UK drivers licence?

I was thinking how I could fix it today, like duct tape or something, but that would get filthy and stick to your bum so I thought about getting an ice cream container and cutting a strip and melting it across the hole, but meh.

....???

Then I thought about getting a big fat rubber band to put over the crack... I thought long and hard about it this morning as my bum was being pinched but I kinda gave up...and then it clicked. We're buying a new toilet seat.

It has been rather sad, this past month, for Lloyd and I. My Aunt passed on, Lloyd lost his job, the 14 year old family dog passed away in the living room, we have had to move from the area we love and my uncle returned one way to New Zealand after living in London for 14 years.

We have lost family family, work family, animal family, our home and those that are left to us have decided to bugger off to warmer and sunnier places. What are they like?! 

There is always change in life, as sure as death and taxes. My logic brain is calmly explaining that this is just a few necessary endings before an amazing beginning. My unborn son is new life, he is new family and new memories. Both Lloyd and I look forward to being able to tell him about the family and close friends that loved him long before he was born.

As I turn into more of a spherical shape with protruding limbs it becomes harder and harder to get about. A struggle that I've never really had to endure before. Having a sports background I've had my share of injuries and joint complaints but this new form of torment is a whole other ball game.

The rules, as I understand them:

1. Pack a handbag with as much as is required for the day. Add one further bag full of useless girl crap complete with ridiculously long shoulder strap

2. Choose a time of day to travel that seems quiet but is actually completely full of inconsiderate ass holes

3. Be sure to remember your baby on board badge but totally forget to put it in the right bag

4. Check the weather. Has is started raining? If yes then you are ready to go

Now to game play, rather straight forward, all you need to do to win is make it alive with baby belly remaining fully in tact to your pre-planned destination. Going into labour on your journey is considered an automatic forfeit. 

You will know you're playing this game when you decide before leaving your house that 1. you really do need these things and this many bags, when of course your really don't, 2. you encounter five or more inconsiderate ass holes who will push, shove and/or bash you unexpectedly, 3. it's not really raining, not that much and is actually pissing down and finally 4. you're experiencing one of those days where your six something month pregnant belly is hidden under many winter layers and thus totally camouflaged.

If you have to yell at one or more people and/or you happen to cry at least once you are most definitely in game and playing well. Just know you don't have far to go.

We've been living in a shared house with five other people in East End London for two years now. I've loved living there and was planning on staying until I could afford my own house. I hope to move back to the same area, if I could achieve it I would move back to the same street. It's so lovely, with a quaint little village but so close to the city. A really big green space not five minutes walk from the front door. Perfect family area.

I very unfortunately cannot afford to buy the family home right now. It can be done but it's a few years off so we're moving out of the city. It is time for suburban living in an affordable area, close to the supermarket and not party town. Not something I thought I would have to do this soon.

Lloyd and I moved to London together four and a half years ago. It was not an easy move and has taken some time to settle in. Once I found the East End I found my way. We've had a love hate relationship, this city and I. But we're now getting on so well it's quite sad to say good bye East End and hello suburbs. 

In the beginning work was no big deal. I haven't experienced morning sickness at all really and could function pretty much as I normally had. The role was always temporary and I was never going to qualify for their maternity plan so it was hardly an issue as to whether I told them or not.

As the months have progressed I've not experienced morning sickness but my emotions have been all over the place. Significant lows that have caused me to snap at managers. I have really felt the pressure, working in an office experiencing so much change. 

Much to say I am handing in my resignation. At first a really scary idea. But now, with baby coming along and a house to decorate, I can turn my attentions to new carpet and setting up a nursery.

Ringing the folks I knew was not going to be a chore. My family have wanted me to have kids for the last few years. I'm no stranger to 'when are we going to have grand kids?' Well, now you are mum! The conversation Lloyd was going to have, telling his folks, that was a scary telephone call. We managed to delay it a little bit and waited those 12 weeks. The conversation did eventually happen and was uneventful. Almost boring. Dad does seem happy, Mum asked about our finances.

We still haven't finished telling extended family. Although I'm pretty sure my Grandmother has passed the news on. I was still nervous ringing them. I wasn't sure which words to use so straight after the 'Hi it's me' part I bluntly stated  'I'm pregnant'. I didn't need to worry, it was a joyous response and ended up being a really lovely phone call. Choice.  

Telling friends, at six months I think we have finally told all of our closest friends. We're not doing the mail out. Maybe when he is born. Everyone is really happy for us, some were really tactful about our feelings though. Perhaps we were a bit obvious with our nervousness. 

I sort of knew before I knew. Does that make me lucky, to know before I know? I took the tests at seven weeks, I took two tests. I had to be sure. But of course even after they both showed positive I still wasn't sure. 

I am definitely sure that I was not sure. About whether or not I wanted to have a baby or if I wanted to be a parent. If I could afford to be a parent. I wondered if we could be good parents. I still wonder about that.

All I knew at that seven week mark is that I was in a temporary job and was utterly scared of the future. I'm 30 years old, unmarried and living in a foreign country. I have few good friends around me and only one family member. My partners parents and I do not get on. A pregnancy was not at the top of their Christmas wish list this year. My family are very supportive but we'll be lucky if we speak more than three times a year. To be fair that has increased to a couple of times a month, since I gave them all the news.

I have wanted to be a parent for sometime now. Not always. Fortunately or unfortunately at 12 I was at the birth of my sister.  I've found watching a birth at that age is a great deterrent of teenage pregnancy and can recommend it as a successful form of contraception should you need a recommendation. But actually being a parent. It's like winning the lottery, you really don't know what you would do until you've won... Have I won here?