only you
Sadder lately.
A different kind of sad.Ā
A sad Iāve only experienced a few times in my life, yet at the same time, a sad that is entirely new to me as well.Ā
Lola died. She passed away. Sheās gone. Sheās dead. Sheās not with us anymore.Ā
Words I subconsciously had in the back of my mindĀ for a while now because of her health, but never wanted to be true.Ā
My grandma is gone and I wonāt have new memories with her from here on out. This makes me so fucking sad. And numb. In disbelief.
Iāll never forget how much of an impact my grandma made on my childhood. So many good memories. The smell of her perfumes she wore over the years. I remember being around 6 or 7 years old and always being near her. She took care of me alongside my mom. I remember almost every weekend when I was a kid up until maybe right before middle school, every early Saturday morning sheād let me tag along with her when sheād take walks around the neighborhood. Weād go to any garage sales we stumbled upon while walking around, and we would browse and sheād talk nicely with whoever was around us and sheād buy me anything that caught my interest...Ā I remember whenever she was at home with us, sheād make us the best meals, the best friend chicken the best everything. On Sunday mornings, I would wake up to her getting ready for KP Dance Hall. She would be fresh out of the shower every time, smelling like baby powder, putting on her make up - her lipstick, her blush. I would help powder her and I would help with putting her jewelry on. Gold bracelets, necklaces, earrings... I would even help buckle her heels. The most extravagant outfits. I miss those mornings. Iāll miss her singing - especially Only You by the Platters - any song really. Her dancing, her spirit, her laughter and jokes, her confidence, her love. I miss her entirely. It makes me sad thinking that I didnāt take more time to hang out with her in my older years. Aside from being around her when I was still living at home, I just know I didnāt make enough time. Iām the worst with doing that. I miss her so much already. Iām going to miss what once was.
Iām happy she fought her way back to life that one weekend in the hospital. She made it through longer than what the doctorās assumed. She got to see the rest of her loved ones back home in the Philippines.Ā I hope youāre in good place Lola. I hope youāre not in pain anymore. -Physically and emotionally- I love you forever and thank you for every single thing you did for me and us. For all the good memories I have with you. Thank you for coming back to my mom when we were kids. Thank you for always telling me good things about me and for showing so much love to J too. I hope you know the special kind of love Iāll always have for you. I hope these words get to you somehow in whatever universe or dimension or plane you are now.Ā
Iāll see you again one day.Ā













