#someregrets

Last week I started my first class in term 3. *woo* That means I’m somewhat half way to the end aka the beginning of my ~potential graphic design career~ That sounds both scary and exciting to me. I’m not really sure where I’ll end up with this degree, but I know that I am glad I stuck to the decision of going. Loans aside, this is the first time in a very long time I feel like I’ve committed to something for me. My job at the restaurant felt this way too, after being there for years and seeing my growth. Like that experience, my going back to school has opened my eyes up to a fraction of the endless possibilities I already know are out there. It’s refreshing, and stressful at times, but a stressful I know will be worth it in the long run. 

There are times I think back of myself in my earlier 20′s, and I can’t help but wishhh I could have been more mindful of the person I was going to be today. I was reckless in so many ways, and compulsive (still am sometimes). I was constantly looking for some sort of validation, because I was always doubting myself. Second guessing. Internally putting myself down in the worst ways. I was always crushing myself, whether I knew it or not (still do sometimes). When I think back on things I’ve done, and things I think I’ve missed out on, it brings me down. This last year has been hard for me, mentally. I think I’ve been tugging myself back and forth on who I am, where I need to be, what I need to do, and even want to do. I’m lucky to be aware but I’m dumb for not being more pro-active about certain situations. This last year has also been most enlightening. Although my constant waves of depression has gotten me in a fat lazy funk, I feel most confident in knowing who I really am. I see that I’m good at a lot of things (surprisingly) and I see that I can go so far if I let myself. I just need to work harder on not allowing fear and anxiety mask that person.