~E

~N

I met my friend’s dogs today and surprisingly didn’t pee myself. I found someone really cute today, cute in the way you wonder what kind of partner they’d be. Or maybe she just looked extremely pretty today. Whatever, that’s just me being gay. Tomorrow is the prep day for the french fest and it’s gonna be so busy but I don’t think I mind. I also announced in classes filled with people about the fest. I surprise myself so much (I also had really supportive people around me who became my safety net so <3 ) I’m happy again, not just about myself but also the people surrounding this me. I really get lucky sometimes. 

I like pringles because of the way they're shaped. They're shaped like the inside of my mouth and so satisfying to eat. Other than that, today I realized how writing every day has been helping me clear my mind and keep a positive attitude. By writing every day I’m highlighting and making physical notes about the good things about my day and I'm more likely to recall them and think about them especially when I'm in low headspace. Mike and I talked about Tarot and psychology and good books today. The conversation reminded me of the spiritual awakening I was talking about a couple days ago- still don’t really know anything about it, maybe going back to school will bring me clarity. I’m about to get my period so I’m craving food ALL the time and my body really hurts. I haven't been sleeping well and it takes me a really long time to fall asleep and stay asleep. Not a lot of time left here in WI so I'm trying my best to relax and take advantage of my break to do nothing before I have to do A LOT.

Jumping from commerce to arts has been one of the biggest leap of faith I’ve taken considering the fact that I hadn’t even dreamt of doing sociology in college. There are nights where I’ve thought if I should’ve changed at all, if I could’ve held on to business a little longer, enough to get a well paying job even if drained the life out of me. And there have been mornings, sitting in my psychology lecture, where I’ve realised that I’d be nowhere else (other than my bed obviously). And no matter what the old me tries to say, the laughs that I hear each day of equally confused kids even at 8:30 am will always be greater than getting free attendance for any accounts class on a Friday afternoon.

Content with this content.

Today I want to celebrate small victories. I had a good morning but was beginning to feel small and low (as one does every couple hours). For some reason, I decided to go through my college email just in case I had any mail (so unlikely) I scrolled through a spammed inbox and found an email from my research teacher at SAIC (a successful artist displaying his work at the MCA among many other accomplishments) saying he thought my final project was fantastic and that he wants to use it as an example in future classes he teaches. It made me so happy to feel recognized like that. He liked my work enough to remember it and come back to it. This might not be much, eventually, he might not even use the pictures, but for today it's my small victory and I’m ecstatic. It makes me want to create again and be confident in being myself through my work. I’m so excited for whats to come next semester.

Today was very simple. I didn’t do much. I woke up next to the person I love and then got to sleep in. I had lunch with B and even though it was a short hour, it gave me a lot of happiness. I did house chores like the dishwasher and putting things away after I showered. Then I went to work with my best friend and spent the rest of the evening laughing. We got to have pizza for dinner and then cheesecake for dessert. Even though it was so simple and normal, I’ve been very happy today and lately, for the last couple of days. Towards the end of the night though, I got very angry for the first time in a long time. Over something small. I got extremely angry for 3minutes and then I was over it. I don't really know why this happens and why it used to happen so often. It makes me sad to see myself like that. I was so mad I banged on a door really hard and now I have a big red bruise on my right hand. great.

Something I’ve been thinking about lately is the bigger purpose of life. I ask myself almost everyday- What's the point? And it usually just send me down a cynical spiral. Somedays I tell myself nothing really matters but I realized I feel better about myself and life on days when things matter to me. I’ve been thinking about spirituality and God recently which is weird for me because I have been detached from these ideas for several years. I feel like there’s a gap in my life and something needs to fill it. I’ve been attracted to spiritual and mindful things like yoga, meditation and learning about religion. The world feels too beautiful and perfectly put together to be a coincidence. Our bodies and minds are so complex and our surroundings are so intricately put together. There has to be something bigger than me and I don't know what that means to me yet. But I believe it will help me find this bigger purpose and fill the gap I feel in my everyday life. For now, I plan to read and learn more about spirituality and religion, simply to learn. Maybe eventually I will find what I’m looking for. 

So here I am, at 3 a.m., my Spotify playing since the past three hours, typing this only because she asked me to and Woby would’ve been sad. Cheers to another day of having a black hole for emotions. 

The goal was to write every single day of this year and I’ve already missed 2. I don’t think that’s a bad thing though. I know progress towards consistency and clarity isn’t linear and this is part of getting started. I remember thinking to myself that I just didn’t have anything important to say yesterday, nothing significant had happened. I’ve been having a really good time here. I’m working whenever I get hours and I’m able to make time to see my friends and keep up with them. One thing I like about myself is that I don’t have a lot of friends but I’m good at keeping up with the few I have and I’m good at sharing my life with them. I like that I can go away for 3 months and come back, and still have people here who care about me; who I care about. I finally woke up well rested today! Got my hair cut yesterday, got my eyebrows done with Kendall. Today, I’m going to hang out w Z, pick up my paycheck at work, and then hang out with Kendall (dye her hair). I feel good and grateful for my family and friends.

I don’t think I slept very well even though I slept for over 14 hours. I woke up constantly and the homely sounds that brought me comfort yesterday left me restless. The footsteps and voices and coughing was loud. I wished to be alone. I wished to be back to my own place in Chicago where I’m 100% in control. I slept through the morning and then showered. Breakfast was waiting for me, which was nice, I didn’t have to think of what to eat or cook or clean. I visited B and gave her company while she was sick. I thought about how nice and cared for I felt when she took care of me when I was hospitalized over the summer. It felt special. There isn’t much a sick person can do when they’re sick, except lay and be sick. Even then, we enjoy being around each other. I like that. We enjoy the silence. Being by her made me feel better, more joyful like it usually does. I didn’t have to work today which meant I didn’t do anything ‘productive’. It was a slow day, and for today that’s okay.

I didn’t really sleep much last night. But this morning, as I lay restless in bed, I was reminded of how comforting it is to have a home. I felt at home for the first time in a long time. Ever since I moved out and my room got moved around, my room hasn’t felt the same. This morning though, I felt much-needed calmness and peace which I’d been lacking for the last couple weeks. I heard the sound of the shower and toilet flushing and my mom coughing and my dad speaking. I just felt at home, I don’t know why I felt especially at home this morning but I woke up feeling it. I felt good and safe. Last night my dad said I don’t ever show physical affection by hugging them so I made it a point to hug them this morning. I really liked being up early and getting an early start. I heard about fentanyl overdose on the radio on the way to Zeke’s house. I was two minutes early. I like being early. Coffee was good. We talked about life and college and realized we’re adult friends now. We don’t have to talk every day to know we’re friends and its really nice that we can go months without being obligated to say much, and then catch up over coffee. I really like the routine. It made me think about what home means to me. My life here is heavily dependant on people and I guess that’s what it means- it’s my friends and my family and the sounds and smells and routines like getting coffee with Zeke in the mornings. Small things. Being home really makes me slow down and just live. I don’t have to think about being the best artist or most likable person in class. I can just be me and I already have people that love me for who I am. It’s not a clean slate. I guess something I’ve been struggling with is being comfortable and secure with my social life at college. I’m doing okay and I’m getting to know people at my own pace. Some days I feel less than most and like I don’t belong or fit in with everyone. But that’s not true, I’m my own person and I’m growing at my own pace and that’s okay. It’s okay if I’m not chirpy and excited every day. Today though, I felt really happy to be alive. It’s such a weird thing to say but I did. I genuinely wanted to get up and live and write and speak. It feels like it’s going to be a good day. I like having a routine and I like being able to have the freedom to build my own life the way I want it to be. Though I’m out of my regular busy routine, I’ll enjoy the comfort and safety of home for now. It’s enough for today.