Get you some

That are some nice model poses you’re practicing there, fatty. I don’t think you’ll ever be able to use them though. Do you really believe your parents when they tell you you have such a model face and perfect body? Well, maybe it’s not a complete lie, but that model face and body are hided under a very thick layer of pudge. The only modeling job you will ever get is one for plussize clothes, chubbs. However, you’ll still need bigger clothes, ‘cause you’re bulging out of these swimming trunks. Sucking in isn’t gonna help you, pudgemaster. A diet and an intense working routine is what you need, but I don’t think you’ll be able to fullfill it. The only thing you’re filling these days is your pudgy paunch, fatso.

Most people have a ‘goal’ to get fit, this guy just has a goal to see how many calories he can fit into one sitting. Looking at you is like looking at Erling Haaland if he were rendered in low-resolution by a bakery, fatso. You aren’t a ‘strike force’, you’re just a force of nature for the buffet line. You don’t play a ‘high pressing game’, the only thing you’re pressing is your luck with a size 4XL shirt that’s screaming for mercy. You’ve got the Haaland build, sure, but while Erling is a powerhouse on the pitch, you’re just a powerhouse of saturated fats. If you tried to do a ‘cannon blast’ shot, the only thing exploding would be the seams of your trousers. You’re not a ‘clinical finisher’ in front of the goal, you’re a clinical finisher of the entire appetizer menu. Your diet isn’t a ‘game plan', it’s a crime scene. You don’t need a scout to find your weaknesses, you just need a scale that doesn't give up and scream ‘Error’ the second you step on it. You’re like a glitch in the simulation: the strength of a Viking, but the waistline of a medieval feast. Stay off the pitch, champ. The only way you’re getting a ‘hat-trick’ is if it’s three burgers, a large fry, and a shake.