It’s been so long that he can’t remember the last time he slept without reliving that moment.

Sometimes he thinks his memory is failing. He can’t remember what he ate the day before, nor the faces of some people who went through the accommodation.

But he still remembers the sound of your voice. The way you approached him that day. The last time your eyes met his.

His brain has a cruel way of choosing what it will never allow to be forgotten.

It had been months since he and his friends had been rescued from the school. For a long time, Niki believed that surviving would be the hardest part.

It wasn’t.

Because surviving meant continuing to live when everything he knew had been left behind.

He still remembers the colleagues he had to kill. The teachers. The friends that the virus took away before he could do anything. He still remembers running through the halls of the school without knowing if he would arrive alive at the end of the day.

But interestingly, these were not the memories that haunted him the most.

What really destroyed him was being able to remember, with cruel clarity, the warmth of someone’s hand intertwined with his.

Yours.

It hurt every day.

He never wanted that to happen.

If I could turn back the time, Niki would have taken your place without a second thought. Because if it weren’t for him, you would never have gotten between that zombie and your body.

The bite would never have happened.

In the days that followed, while everyone tried to find a safe place to spend the night, you did your best to keep distance.

You said it was the wisest thing to do, that if the virus were to take over your body at once, at least they would have time to escape.

None of them agreed.

Much less Niki.

It was he who took the tie from his own uniform and carefully wrapped it around your wrist before attaching the other end to his. Not because he believed it would stop something, but because the idea of leaving you alone was unbearable.

That tie became the only certainty he had that you were still there.

As long as he felt the slight tug from the fabric whenever one of you slowed down or changed direction, he could breathe. He could believe, even for a few seconds, that there was still time to find a way out.

And for some days, it had worked.

For a few nights, you stood side by side, sharing the same silence and fear, until the rain fell again on the school.

That night, everyone had to leave the hideout in haste and look for another place before the infected reached them. Amidst the rush, Niki noticed that the tie had too tight your wrist.

The skin was already red, marked by the tissue that had been stuck for days.

Without much thought, he just loosened the knot.

Just enough for you to be more comfortable.

It was a small gesture.

Kind.

And ironically, the mistake he could never forgive.

Because when they finally found a safe place to rest, it was enough to look away for a few seconds to realize that he no longer felt the tension of the tie tied to his wrist.

By facing you again, you had already let go.

You were a few steps behind the rest of the group, breathing with difficulty while trying to hide the pain stamped on your face. Even before your eyes found his, Niki knew exactly what you were about to do.

He tried to reach you again.

But his legs just didn’t respond this time.

You just took your hand up to the uniform, ripping out your own ID badge. Then you approached him with slow steps, removed the badge attached to his uniform, with hands that trembled more than you would like to admit, switched the two ID.

As if I wanted to leave a part of you with him.

And take a part of it wherever he was going.

Your eyes remained on his for long enough that Niki understood what you never had the courage to say aloud.

Then you smiled.

A painful smile.

And took a step back.

Then another.

Until you turn around completely and run towards the darkness, passing through the infected without looking back, vanishing gradually in the rain that insisted on falling over the city.

No one could reach you.

Since that night, Niki never knew what happened to you.

Maybe that was just the cruelest part.

He never found a body to say goodbye to.

Never heard anyone say you were dead.

All that was left was your badge attached to his uniform and the stupid hope that somewhere you were still alive.

That’s why he kept holding on to this hope.

Because accepting that you would never come back meant undoing the last silent promise you made to each other that night.

That was a pain he still couldn’t bear.

Your shoulders ached, your head felt too heavy to hold up, for the first time that day, the silence allowed everything you had tried to ignore to finally catch up with you.

Some days were just like that.

Nothing went right.

No specific tragedy, no grand event. Just a succession of small things that, together, weighed more than they should have.

You took off your shoes without much haste, leaving them near the door before walking down the hallway.

"I'm back."

Your voice came out low, almost a murmur.

"On the balcony."

You found him sitting on the couch, turning the pages of the book he'd been talking about. As soon as he looked up and met your eyes, the slight smile he greeted you with every day slowly faded.

He didn't ask how your day had been.

He didn't ask what had happened.

He also didn't say that everything would be alright.

Jay just looked at you for a few seconds, like he had done since you were eight years old.

Long enough to realize something was wrong.

"Come here."

That was all he said.

You didn't even think to answer.

You just walked to the sofa and sat next to him.

Jay opened his arms, putting down the book he had been reading, you settled against his chest as if it were automatic.

It was automatic.

It had been for years.

He rested his chin on the top of your head while his hand slowly stroked your back.

Neither of them said a word.

It wasn't necessary.

You still didn't know how to solve all the problems that awaited you the next day.

The tiredness hadn't disappeared.

Nor had the anxiety.

But, for a few minutes, hidden in the arms of your best friend, nothing seemed as impossible as it had seemed an hour ago.

Maybe the difficult days would never cease to exist.

As long as Jay was there...

Maybe that would be enough.

"I’m coming back, don’t you dare get up" You warn from the kitchen.

He closes his eyes quickly, making his best expression again of those who can barely lift their head from the pillow.

When you kneel down beside him, gently pulling some strands away from the fringe of his forehead to touch the warm cloth, Sunoo almost loses.

"I told you not to stay in the rain." You murmur, worried.

He just gives off a low grin, enjoying every second of your attention.

"I think I’ll need some medicine..."

"I'll get it for you."

Your hand barely leaves his forehead when Sunoo gently holds your fingers, pouting.

"How dare you leave your poor sick boyfriend alone here?" he says in the faintest voice he can pretend to be, looking at you. "Maybe a little kiss will get better faster.."

You raise an eyebrow, staring at him for a few seconds before laughing.

"Funny... because flu does not usually have that kind of treatment."

"This is a very specific flu." Sunoo says, pouting even more.

You roll your eyes, but end up giving in. With a discreet smile, you approach his face and leave a gentle kiss on his lips.

Sunoo smiles at the kiss before it even ends.

"Better?" you ask, funny.

"A little..." He murmur.

"Just a little?"

He gently holds your hand, intertwining his fingers with yours.

"I think I'll need a lot of kisses before I'm one hundred percent better."

You huff playfully, pinching his flushed cheek.

"Then you'd better hope I keep believing in this flu."

He knew he had no right to wait for you. Not after he was the one who put an end to your relationship years ago. Not when he decided to leave you without offering a single explanation.

And especially not after have completely disappeared from your life, as if all they have lived could be erased with the passage of time.

Still.

It was impossible to stop the hope of appearing whenever he unlocked his phone screen.

Maybe you were busy or you was still thinking.

Maybe the answer had already been given in that "I’ll think", and he just didn’t want to accept it.

A sigh escapes from his lips as he opens beer can. The metallic stump breaks the silence of his apartment’s balcony, it is not enough to ward off the clutter that insists on occupying his mind.

The city was alive and well below. Cars crossed the illuminated avenues, people walked along the sidewalks and some laughter echoed between the neighboring buildings.

Everything seemed to go on exactly as before.

Except him.

Niki supports his elbows in the balcony railing, taking the can to his lips without really paying attention to the taste of the beer. Thoughts inevitably returned to the restaurant.

For the way you called him Nishimura days ago.

For the silence between you.

And, above all, for the answer that did not come.

A steady flick on his forehead makes him frown and return to reality.

"Hey!"

Niki takes his hand to his forehead, casting an indignant look at Jungwon, who is on his side.

"Can you hear me now, you idiot?" Jungwon says, shaking his head.

Niki blinks a few times, as if only in that moment he realized that his friend was talking to him for a long time.

"Sorry, I..."

"I know"

Jungwon leans down the railing of the balcony next to him and watches the city for a few seconds.

"Ever since you met noona again at restaurant, you’ve been with that face of someone who broke something and doesn’t know how to fix it."

Niki lets out a low laugh, no humor.

"Maybe I did."

Jungwon turns his face to face him.

"You know, i really don't understand you," Jungwon says. "First you broke up with her, left, and then pretended nothing happened, but as soon as you saw her again, you lost your way."

Niki remains silent.

Because for the first time in a long time...

He didn’t know the answer either.

Jungwon lets out a sigh before going back inside the apartment to answer a call, leaving Niki alone on the balcony.

Silence again takes over the place.

For a few seconds, he remains watching the city lights. The night wind messes with his hair, but his mind is still stuck elsewhere.

Without realizing it, he grabs his phone.

He faces the screen off for a few moments.

"Should I?"

The question echoes in his head once again.

You said you would think.

Maybe sending a message now was just disrespecting the time you asked for.

Maybe it was selfish.

Or maybe,

He was just looking for another excuse not to face the consequences of his choices.

Niki takes a deep breath before unlocking his phone.

Almost automatically, it opens your texts.

His thumb slides slowly across the screen until it stops at the last text.

The first thing is not a text.

It’s an old polaroid.

You and he smiling together, still wearing your school uniforms, while Niki pinches your cheek and you pinch his. In the corner of the photo of the polaroid you sent him, you can read and see his handwriting.

"Forever and ever and ever, your Riki."

The air seems to be missing for a moment.

He closes his eyes quickly, as if that was enough to prevent the memory from returning.

But it wasn’t.

Just below the photo, the last message you sent.

"Forever, right? You’re a fucking liar."

His chest is squeezing in an almost unbearable way.

Because he still remembered the time when that message arrived, he remembered the sound of the notification, reading every word.

And he remembered, mainly

Of never having found the courage to respond.

He could write anything.

An apology.

explanation.

A simple "hi".

But no words seemed enough after so many years of silence.

In the end,

He just blocks the phone screen.

Like always did.

Only this time, the guilt seemed too heavy to continue being ignored.

From the other side of town,

without his knowledge, his name also appeared on the screen of your phone that same night.

You just read the texts again in silence.

No courage to erase it.

Because the wound that had never healed had returned, and you? Perhaps you weren't quite ready to patch it up again.

taglist: closed!! tyysm

Jay looks between the two of you a few times before giving a discreet elbow to Jungwon.

"I’m really seeing this?" he muttered softly to jungwon, who shakes his head in amusement.

Niki pretends not to hear his friends. Instead, he quietly turns his face toward you. For a few seconds, he just stares at you, as if trying to understand what you reaction would be.

Then, without saying a single word, he takes the beer bottle from you hands and brings it to his lips.

The gesture makes you surprised.

Bold? Completely.

But that was so him. And, as much as you hate to admit it, you always knew it.

You stare at the bottle for a few seconds before turning your gaze back to him.

"Still no ask."

A small smile appears in the corner of his lips.

"I thought you were used to it."

You shake your head, releasing a low laugh through your nose.

"Show-off"

"You liked it when I was."

The phrase escapes before he can think. As soon as him realize what he said, look down at the table, while you roll your eyes, taking the bottle back.

The rest of the celebration goes by faster than either expected. Between conversations and photos, you two avoid touching the subject again, but the tension remains there, silent, whenever your looks meet by chance.

When the clock was ticking, one by one the guests began to say goodbye.

You take your bag on the chair and say goodbye to your friends with a quick hug. On the other side of the table, Niki does the same.

The cold wind welcomes them back as they leave the restaurant.

For a few moments, you both walk quietly to the parking lot across the street, as soon as you find your car and he unlocks his, you hear something.

"Hey..."

You stop and look over your shoulder.

Niki is by the side of his car door, hands in his jacket pockets. For the first time that night, he seems really nervous.

"Can we... meet again?"

The question is suspended between you.

You watch him for a few seconds, as if trying to decide if that was a good idea.

"I... will think about it."

It wasn’t a "yes."

But it wasn’t a "no" either.

An almost imperceptible smile appears on his face.

It was more than he expected.

As you get into the car and start to leave the parking lot, Niki stands still for a few seconds, watching her car disappear among the city lights.

For the first time in a long time, he felt that perhaps there was still a chance.

taglist: open! u can comment here or send a ask

@nishimurariks9128

He exits his thoughts when he hears the noise of the door opening, making his eyes rise almost impulsively. Niki freezes when he sees you. On the other side, you also stop for a moment, surprised to find him there.

For a few seconds, neither of you two says a word. The movement of the street continues around, cars pass by, people talk while leaving the restaurant, but everything seems too distant for any of them to pay attention.

He stops breathing without realizing it, had imagined that moment countless times, but none of them seemed to compare to what was really happening. After all this time, you were finally in front of him again.

You hesitate for a few seconds before taking a step out of the restaurant. The door closes behind you, muffling the sound of conversations still going on inside. Niki follows every move in silence, unable to look away.

"You left this." You extend the key he had left on the table hours ago.

As soon as Niki tries to grab him, you gently hold his wrist and pull him a few inches closer.

He opens his eyes, completely caught off guard. For a moment, he seems to forget even to breathe.

"You keep doing everything the same way." you whisper funny, almost like a thought out loud.

Niki lets out a small chuckled. he had rehearsed countless words during those thirty minutes outside, but now none of them seemed enough.

"I didn’t think you were back.." Niki says, looking away, feeling like a complete idiot.

"Or didn’t you think we could, I don’t know, meet up again anyway? Are you just gonna keep running away from me like last time?" You ask, keeping your eyes on him.

The question hits him hard.

Niki presses his lips and releases a weak laugh, without any humor.

"I wasn’t running away from you."

"No?" You raise an eyebrow. "Because that’s exactly what it looked like."

He runs his hand down the back of his head, looking for the right words. It was difficult to explain something that even he himself had not been able to understand at the time.

"I just... didn’t know what to say." Him murmurs.

You let out a sigh, looking away for a moment.

"Silence also says a lot, Nishimura"

The words make his chest clench. All that time, he had tried to convince himself that keeping distance was the best choice. Now, hearing that from your mouth, he realize it might have made things even worse.

"I never wanted things to end that way." Niki begins, looking at you.

You feel your heart racing as you hear those words for the first time.

Before either could say anything else, the restaurant door opens again.

"Niki, Yn! Picture time!"

The two move away at almost the same moment.

The moment was over.

"Nishimura"

The voice made his body stiffer.

Slowly, he looked up, finding you sitting in front of him. A glass of soda rested between your fingers as you watched him with a calmness he definitely didn’t share.

For a few seconds, Niki just stared at you.

It was strange.

Six years seemed to mean absolutely nothing when you were so close again.

Not knowing what to say, he looked away and took the beer bottle to his lips, sipping a bigger gulp than he intended.

"Hmm?" He murmurs.

A small snort escaped through you nose, almost like a laugh.

"Can’t you handle a conversation, Nishimura?" You tilted your head slightly, a subtle smile popping up at the corner of your lips. "You were better at that once."

He didn’t answer, just gave another sip.

There are so many answers that have crossed his mind but none came out. Anything he said wouldn’t change the fact that your last conversation had ended in the worst way possible.

Niki didn’t reply.

He just got up from the table under the curious gaze of some colleagues and left the restaurant without looking back.

The cold night air hit his face as soon as he walked through the door. He stuck his hands in his trouser pockets looking for the car key.

Nothing.

He grazed his neck, scrawling his pockets again before letting out a tired sigh.

He had left the key on the table.

Great.

Closing his eyes for a moment, he passed his hand through the hair.

He should never have accepted that invitation.

He should have left the instant he saw you come in through the door, hours ago.

Because returning to that restaurant meant going back, in some way, to that night years ago.

And he wasn’t ready to face the past yet.