When I said it, I thought it was true.

To J., it’s been over a year since we’ve spoken and I still can’t date someone else in peace.

this world can be so scary,

this world can be cruel,

people can use you

like some beat-up tool -

I still remember you,

the way you’d touch me

and make me feel

like you’d never leave,

the way you whispered

promises against my lips,

the way you gingerly held

the sides of my hips

even as a lie,

I want those things,

I want the feeling,

even if it stings -

I don’t know what I’m looking for,

it’s too soon to define,

but damn it I’m scared

and I can’t get you off my mind.

He’s everything you weren’t,

and everything you’re not,

everything I needed,

but not what I got

with you.

so why am I so hesitant?

why do I compare you two and

he still falls short

of everything

I was with you for?

your smile is nicer,

the way your mouth curls

at the edges

just makes me unfurl,

you aren’t as strong

but you stand tall,

your sweaters are big

and make me feel small -

you don’t believe in God,

you weren’t raised to,

and in that respect

he one-ups you

but damn it the things you murmured

to me in secret

filled my heart,

promised you’d keep it -

Keep what?

nothing, keep nothing,

I’ll return and

I’ll still be roughing

it all by myself.

You’ve probably forgotten

all the late nights

the quiet moments, the love

and the fights -

You probably don’t know

I’m graduating soon,

I wonder if you’d care

even if you knew.

Just another broken promise, I guess.

To J., because even halfway across the country there were still things that reminded me of you.

sometimes when I stand too close

to a guy I can smell

the same things on him

that you use -

I can’t tell if it’s laundry detergent,

body wash, soap, shampoo,

but it hits me and

reminds me of you.

The memories of your warmth

as you held my hand

are starting to fade;

I didn’t recognize you

the other day.

I stared at a picture I’d scrounged

Off your Twitter;

I remember when you took that picture,

back in college.

The memories feel distant,

like a quickly fading dream -

one that’s much closer

than it often seems.

Moments I thought I’d never forget

are vanishing without a trace,

but I still remember the ugly ones

all too well.

Because you lied to me,

You lied that we were perfect,

You lied that you would change,

You lied that you’d be around forever,

You lied.

You left me and though I think

It was all for the best,

I still can’t accept

that this is all it was.

I was afraid of being alone.

I was alone for so long,

Going through the motions of romance

because it was normal,

because I wanted something.

And I’m alone again,

less lonely and afraid,

but I’m by myself where I’m going

and I’m scared

of another person holding my hand.

I have no one who cares about my day,

who cares if I cry,

who is proud of me in my accomplishments

no one to tell me “good morning”

or to say they missed me badly...

I can’t bury my face in your chest

and breathe in your clean, calming scent -

I can’t lean into your hand as you

run it through my hair in the car,

or while you keep it on my thigh

while I drive, because you like it like that.

I can’t see Squirtle and press it until it annoys you,

I can’t kidnap your bed space and curl up in the blanket I made you...

To J., the goodbye I never got to say.

I guess this is where our paths part,

a new beginning,

a bittersweet new start.

But the way you smile will

be burned into me,

at least until

we meet again,

a new age,

as people we’ve never been,

but that one day

there will still be love

and I’ll be able to say

that I missed you,

and ask what

you’ve been up to.

The day we meet again,

I’ll stand before you

stronger than I’ve ever been -

And I’ll realize that love is

not about possessing,

but really is this -

Enjoying your smile,

watching you grow

and after a long while -

being the one to show you

God in ways

you never truly knew.

And you’ll love me until

the day you die,

maybe not as a bride but still

as the light

you discovered,

the bright

incandescent glow

that no one else

may ever really know

as well as you.

And that’s but one reason I say

I love you too.

You are so warm

and dark, hidden in

an ever so beautiful storm

of soothing thunder

who’s lightning struck

and left me under

a spell, trapped in

that beautiful smile

and a heaven muddled in sin.

However, this is the beginning

and I know, or hope at least

it all ends in you winning.

I want to watch you defeat that boy

that stole the light in your eyes,

that stole your joy.

I want to watch you discover

color and beauty

like no other -

I want you to feel alive,

not alone in bed in your off time

just waiting to die.

I want to see your empathy grow

and become something that you

are ready and willing to show.

And even if you find another,

a beautiful woman

who you’ll marry and make a mother,

I will still love you

as unconditionally

as the love I saw in you.

I just hope that one day

the dreams of marriage and a life

together fade

enough for this love to become

love in its purest form,

a love born from

seeing each other for who we are

and being there regardless

of the years or how far

we’ve moved from

where we once

had come.

Our souls are tied and even as friends

together or not,

there is no end

To the lengths I’d go

for you,

to the end of the world.

And though far off and

though I believe

we’ll surely meet again,

I hope I see you at the end

my family, my soulmate,

in heaven.

May God be with you

in your journey ahead,

may He bring you to

a path of joy, community,

love,

and unity.

To me, whenever I’m not sober and you flash across my mind.

No matter how turnt you get,

Look at this -

You won’t text him

You won’t call him

You won’t remember his number

You won’t remember his name

You won’t spare him the thought

Or the effort

Of making your heart race while you text him

after he continues to block you

You won’t care

You won’t give in

You love so strongly and purely

More than he deserves

Don’t text him because you have history

Because of the result of some obscure happenstance of chance

Don’t reach out to him more

When he left you alone

More than you have been in years

Unrequited love isn’t worth the heartache

Even if your beautiful heart thinks it is because of some stupid illogical reasoning

Your love is better spent pining

And reserved for the deserving party

Who will enjoy it for the duration of your existence together

Than someone who will throw your sincerity away like garbage

Like it is selfish

Which at this point, it is.

Selfish.

You don’t want to be alone.

Selfish.

You’re hurting him.

Selfish.

You want to be happy at the expense of others.

Selfish.

Fucking selfish.

Leave him alone to move on.

If you love him, let him move on.

You can’t make him happy, because he could never be happy at your expense...

Let him go.

Stop thinking about him.

Be able to release him from this bind.

Release him.

To J., memories of what we used to be.

the way your lips

hovered over mine,

grinning and sinful,

oh how divine

was the burning

flame of desire

coursing through my veins,

that swelling fire

and the rush

of your skin

under my fingertips,

a hitched breath in

as I got lost

in your eyes,

the endless warmth

burning me alive

dark mussed hair

as chaotic as you,

burning red hot

as you paint the fire anew

with your touch

brushing over my thigh,

leaving burn marks

on areas that I

normally cover,

but I have no shame

when you whisper

my name

so softly,

but passion’s burn

can’t be cloaked

by the sweet yearn

in your quiet voice,

faint yet full of

a hidden power

I’ve come to love.

oh how beautiful

is this dance of wills,

teasing and pulling,

but never going in for the kill,

your breath on my lips

so close, stopping until

I ask softly

for you to fulfill

this overwhelming need

to be closer to you,

this overwhelming love

To J., the soft words you never heard after the fallout.

It’s been four days,

since you’ve spoken,

four days since a text;

and suddenly losing you

for good

is real.

four days of pretending I’m okay

and crying when I realize

I absolutely am not,

Four days of anger, rage, wrath,

Silence, thinking,

Heartbreak...

I miss you.

My best friend

Who couldn’t be a lover.

My best friend

who could never be

my significant other.

Life right now is so strange,

and without you by my side

I can’t recognize myself

anymore.

it’s confusing, it’s hurtful, it’s strange and

Without you

It will never be the same.

My dreams with you

were never meant to be,

but despite everything

I miss you,

Your stubble under my fingers and

the way you’d look at me

right before you’d learn in and

take my breath away,

To J., the man I loved who couldn’t be there for me in the end.

I loved you

I loved you more

than you ever may know,

more than sometimes

I could really show,

I loved you more than you could ever adore

me.

I loved you for years,

I was always there.

I was there for your birthdays,

I was there for your low days,

I was there for everything.

I made time for you,

I stayed home for you,

I could’ve gotten out by now.

But I loved you, so I didn’t.

You were a priority,

A step under God.

the highest position anyone could have

and you could barely be a friend to me

in the end.

I needed you on Easter,

I needed you in on my birthday.

I’m suffocating and I can’t breathe

To J., the only man I’ve ever fallen for and the one who walked away.

the things you’ve been doing lately

just seem to break my heart

and I can trace it back from the start-

when I invited you to this retreat and

you told me you couldn’t go

and it hurt, even though

I knew you couldn’t help it,

but you know what you could?

not telling me I seem to

struggle with abandonment issues,

when really that’s not

all that true

I’ve lost more than you could

even imagine

and I still

I still trust,

I still hope,

I still love

you.

And I ask and spend time with you

because I love you

and I get you gifts

because I love you

even when I’m drowning

I’d much rather you be okay

and so I bite my tongue

more than you’ll ever see

because I bite it until my emotions

spill over into tears

and my heart is already broken.

I have to admit, I have tried to fill my time

with you because

I’m afraid

that God will take you away from me,

first away to Atlanta, then bit by bit,

away to someone else.

I’m not clingy, and the only

issue I have is one

with you leaving

because I said I’d stay for you,

I said I’d love you,

I said I wouldn’t let you go.

I try really hard to love you and it feels

unnoticed and

unreciprocated

when you can’t even think to ask me

if you can come see me.

when you admit that if I stopped asking

you’d probably forget to call,

forget to ask

about me.

You said I come with a lot of baggage,

something I can’t help

or change

but something I think I’ve overcome

the majority of.

I’m better than my baggage,

I care and try too fucking hard

to be devalued for that.

I care and try too fucking hard

even when I get discouraged,

even with

my heart broken.

even with my dad dead

and my mom only there

to demand things

and a brother that I love

who gets his heart crushed

by loneliness

and a calling on my life

that terrifies me and has been

knocking me down pegs

that I don’t even have

to be knocked down.

I still smile,

I still keep my friends,

and I still love you

even when you don’t call me.

Even when you don’t just show your face to surprise me

when I miss you.

Even when you could leave for good

To God, because he was the only one who would listen at that point.

Let us become more aware of Your presence,

life can be such a mess,

and there’s no other name

I could call in my distress

that would be like You, God,

who would have the kind of heart

to forgive and take me back

without tearing me apart -

but You heal me, God,

Your blood washes me clean,

as it trickles down my back,

unheard, unseen,

but still felt because

it washes away

all of the fingerprints

and bruises from yesterday -

it washes away

all of the shame

that makes me feel like

I’ll never see the light again -

but standing in darkness,

that’s not me anymore,

because You came into my life

and now I’m sure

I never have to be

that person again.

I never have to be

that fake again -

but the real me

hurts more

and the real me

gets awful sore

when I’m hit with things like

“it wasn’t right”

and things like

“it won’t be the same on your wedding night”

when I’m hit with

“It’s still not right!”

“You’re wrong.”

“I thought only virgins wear white?”

when I’m hit with

“I don’t think it’s meant to be,”

“You’re wasting your time.”

“Why can’t you leave?”

God, I don’t understand,

if you’re washing me clean,

why don’t they lend a hand?

Instead of being so mean

and making me feel unseen,

and casting dirt back onto me

like I’m not already

To E., who used to be my best friend.

Laugh at me,

Laugh at me!

Go ahead,

Go and fucking see!

Stay in your shallow-ass life,

wallowing in your superficiality,

Just wait and see,

How you’ll feel when you hit tragedy

Like you’re falling a hundred miles an hour

and smack down on solid ice,

bounce back and slam twice,

And see why I’m not nice

When people are laughing at my struggle,

when they’re ignorant to my pain,

when you hit the end alone

and doubt the sun will ever rise again.

Eight,

Eight more years,

Eight

More months

Until I’m free.

Until I can chase God’s plans

That will finally

make me

happy.

Laugh at me,

You’ll see.

You’ll hurt and hurt alone

because the only one who could understand is me.

And you, when will you get it?

our friendship has a fucking exit

and if you ignore me like this,

this friendship room will only have you in it.

Friendship goes two ways,

Not just fucking one.

Maybe you’ll never understand

Until it’s done.

You always do this! You always do!

You ignore me for them, leave me alone,

and when they shun you,

Welcome to the blog I debated on making for years, a place whose sole purpose is to air out feelings that I still have for people who aren’t in my life, or feelings I can’t voice to those who are.

Maybe one day one of them will discover this blog, maybe not. Maybe you, who probably stumbled onto this blog, can relate to some of these things, and maybe it’ll make you feel less alone.

Maybe it’s just me throwing feelings into nothingness and maybe that’s okay.

Anyway, welcome! ❤️ Hope you enjoy your stay, hope you feel less alone and hope you may get something out of this. Stay well, friend!