#dear j

I would definitely want to go places with you. To do more outdoor activities, to conquer every challenges and to spend time with you is what I want, what we need. For more things to try, food to taste, activities to join, and more away/pagtatalo along the way! Hahahahahahaha 😂😈

it’s friday night and we’re at a party and i’m drinking too much again but the difference is this time you don’t care enough to stop me. you’re across the room, you haven’t looked at me once (you’re ignoring me again) and even though we’re together it hasn’t felt like it in months and my friend nudges me and asks if everything between us is alright and i open my mouth but nothing comes out because if i say it that makes it real. instead i ask for another drink. the burning in my stomach is the closest feeling to what we used to have. warm. familiar. exciting.

12/7/17

we’re eating Indian food again, it’s your favorite. i can’t look you in the eye, it feels like seasickness, like the nausea you get while spinning in circles. we sit side by side but you feel still feel miles away.

12/8/17

i can’t take the silence anymore it’s making me sick again so i tell you, let’s talk about this, you say, no. but we never fucking talk so i tell you to stop holding back and to just fucking give it to me. you pause for a minute and i know it’s going to be bad. i always knew it would be bad. you tell me how the connection has been gone for months, how you don’t even feel like you know me anymore, you tell me i’m a trainreck and i can’t be fixed, and then i start screaming it’s done it’s done it’s done we’re over because i knew those would be your next words and i couldn’t stand to hear them from you.

12/11/17

our brains are wired to think that you and i belong together but just when i started to believe that maybe we weren’t meant to be our brains just stop. and now i’ve forgotten to eat for the past three days and my teeth are unbrushed and i’ve been untouched and. in those three days i decayed. i’m a shell of what i used to be but i am not yet what i will become. i just feel numb numb numb.

now my sister is on her way over, you say it’s not safe for me to be alone. because last time you stopped by to grab more of your belongings you saw the sleeping pill bottle empty next to my bed. i told you i wasn’t trying to kill myself. that i just wanted to sleep. but maybe i was.

12/15/17

my sister is still over and so is my best friend but i just want them fucking gone i want to be alone why can’t i just fucking be alone in a room for more than five minutes

12/17/17

i’ve been smoking bowl after bowl after bowl. i think my hearts going to leap out of my chest but there’s no way in hell i can go on sober.

12/18/17

my sister went home and i thought i would be fine on my own but you came back to grab the the tv and i begged and begged you not to because i had nothing left in the house to distract me. now i’m staring at my bed and wondering if you remember the softness of my blanket. if you can remember how it felt to fall. now i’m sitting down on the floor and staring at the wall, trying to pretend like i don’t exist. maybe it wasn’t just the tv i wanted to stay, maybe it was you.

12/19/17

our friends are over watching movies with me even though they know i want to be left alone, because in reality i need them more then ever, they know this so they stay.

it’s getting late now and one of them left and one of them is still here. he points at my chest and asks me where it hurts. i say everywhere. he pulls me close and i find his lips and before i know it we’re in the dark, clothes on the floor, skin on skin. i’m looking for you in every corner of him but his hands are larger, his kisses a bit more rough.

after we’re finished i sit on the cold bathroom floor and the flood comes. this time there was no arc. i cried the whole world dry.

12/20/17

he’s over again and i know he shouldn’t be but when he’s here i’m not thinking about you, and besides we have this electric spark between us that neither can ignore. i let it cradle me, to let it take home. he grew on me, gave me his arms and neck and back to stretch into. i asked for a place to hide and he gave it willingly.

it’s 3am now and he’s gone and of course i’m thinking about you. is it really this late? why did you leave me? when did it get so late? why wasn’t i good enough? why can’t you love me? i should probably sleep, but i’m distracting myself like when i used to hide in the bathroom after someone yelled at me. hiding from things that scare me is nothing new, like how i never look in the mirror because i’m scared i’ll see everything that made you leave.

12/21/17

it’s my last day. i’m going back to my hometown. he’s here again before i leave. but everything is distorted now. it looks like i’m in a movie, but somehow i’m stuck. i can’t stop seeing your face, but i somehow see his too. every time my hands meet his my stomach aches. it’s like you made me think we had something just to turn around and walk away….what if he does the same? and i’m so fucking scared because it all feels so right yet so wrong. i want you, i want him, i want you, i want him. and i know it’s fucked because he’s your best friend and i never meant to do it, not to intentionally hurt you

12/22/17

i’m completely gone now and i wonder when i realized we’d shifted. it’s not an exact time or place and it’s unsettling because it happened. we both know there was a point where you stopped feeling anything for me. maybe i’ve always wanted to believe the world could be good enough for people that feel too much, but it’s not. as i comfort myself and decide i should stop getting lost in the clutter of my mind and heart, i hope that you’re okay. it’s the first time in a while that i’ve thought about how hard it must have been for you to tell me how you felt, and that’s why you waited so long to rip my heart out. you cared about me, even if it wasn’t the same way, and i’ll always love you for it but we know it was never enough. we were never enough for us and that’s just how the world works sometimes. we’ll be okay eventually, and it takes time to heal, so i’ll hold your hand in my mind until i forget what it’s like to want to kiss you.

12/24/17

it’s your birthday and i’m awake again in the middle of the night. my mother his holding me. i woke her up because i couldn’t stop crying.

12/30/17

something snapped in me today. i listened to your old voicemails and i found one back from july. you had called me at 3am to tell me how much you missed me. how you couldn’t wait to live with me. how you couldn’t wait to make me dinner. how you wanted me by your side for the rest of your life. how you couldn’t wait until we’d get married. how you loved me.

and i felt so abandoned and so angry and so sick and so lied to and so betrayed and so fucking tired of getting hurt i decided to hurt you too. i texted you about how i fucked your best friend, and the moment i pressed that send button i threw my phone hoping it would break before it delivered completely.

and then you told me you hoped that one day i’d starve to death, and i wanted to text back “i hope so too”

12/31/17

Song : Dear J

Artist : Jaejoong