AJR?

15

Photographer

Terrible poet

Here if you ever wanna talk

But that’s just me.

• Found out my grandpa has cancer

• Was in a car accident the next day

• One of our best ponies just passed away

• My friend’s husband just murdered someone and now she’s alone in raising her child

• Mother is an actual emotional trainwreck and I’ve been trying so hard to keep it together for her sake and to take on her chores on top of my own, school and work, all in the course of three weeks.

So yea, I’m falling apart.

But through all of this bullshit, I’ve found my safe places. You may not realize at first, but once you hit 5 years at your job with 20 horses, your heart flutters and you get attached. You find that one horse that, despite everything, they’re right there and they won’t leave. So thank you Red, thank you for that horse. It’ll be forever, I promise.

Another thing I want to say? Thank you.

I don’t know if you’ll see this, but thank you. When I was showing kindness hoping it would keep me kind to myself, you returned it. When my world was on the verge of shattering and all of my friends were leaving one by one, you were there. A few comments of kindness in your posts and you message me to say thank you for kindness. That means a lot to a 15 year old who is so tired and ready to fall down. I’ll say it again, but thank you.

Crushes are just crushes and feelings can come and go like the common cold. Love is different. Love is the kind of thing that sticks. Love is the kind of thing that no matter how hard you try to get rid of it, it stays until it eventually dies. Love is the kind of thing that when it’s life or death, you will choose whatever saves them. You will prepare yourself to take the bullets and the punches of it means that they’ll live.

When I met him, I immediately liked him from the start. He was sweet, caring, my type, and the energy he produced made me feel….whole. So when he told me to keep fighting and stay on the track team and that I’ve improved immensely, I knew. I knew he was the one. I knew he was my rock in this life, I knew that I loved him. Then I fucked up. Bad.

I made the dumb mistake of telling him how I felt just to be rejected in the kindest way possible from him and be told it couldn’t happen and wouldn’t work out because we’re two years apart (no judgment please). It’s those tiny things that tear down a once strong village and make why was once heaven a living hell. It became awkward after and I felt like I lose a lifeline to the real world. In a way, I did. I lost a good, solid connection that made me feel sane most of the time. Now he’s graduating, and he’ll really be gone. I know he doesn’t love me back, but I love him with all of my fucking heart. I love him with every ounce of affection I have to give to give in those world. I love him enough where I can let him go. I love him enough where I can safely let him leave. I love him enough to the point where if I finally snap, I can find him and know I’ll be safe.

The world isn’t easy.

There are natural and civil disasters, violence, racism, sexism, murder, inequality, the list goes on. When I was younger, I almost got kidnapped by my father and was thankfully picked up and "saved” by my grandfather. People, especially some men, are mindless, violent, mean people who take and take until there’s nothing left to take. I lived a life with brief emotional and physical abuse and I was brainwashed into thinking I had no escape from these horrible people in the life we live. Then I watched a movie. The Bride! just came out to my local theater and I went to go watch it with a friend. The feminine urge and rebellion got me going, and now I can fight. I want to live in a world with no sexism or violence, and even though the world isn’t and never will be perfect, we can sure as hell try.

The other thing?

He won’t be here forever.

You’ve only known him two years, but in your mind and heart, you’ve known him a lifetime. Now he’s graduating and he’ll he gone for a while. When I felt down, the thought of him made me feel better. When I felt like putting a gun to my head, the memories we made kept me from pulling the trigger. When I wanted to quit my athletics career and verbally made it known to him while I vented, he consoled me and convinced me to stay, saying he would miss his track and field girl. When I felt done and ready to fall down, he caught me and kept my head above the water. And little does he know that because of his simple words and presence, I can do more than just stay afloat. I’m still a piece of shit on the inside that’s ready to break, but he’s been the tape that’s been holding me together. I love you dude. You know it, but you don’t know it.

AJR

My goats

My horse

Momma