nothing but shadows

James had always carried himself like someone untouchable.

Too assured, too composed, too dangerous in the way his presence filled a room. Matthew had watched him move through the world with a kind of impossible certainty — the way others deferred to him, the way his voice could cut or soothe with equal force.

And yet, in private, that certainty was turned entirely on Matthew. Every glance, every word, every touch made him feel like he was the only one who mattered. It was terrifying. It was intoxicating.

For days Matthew had tried to convince himself it wouldn’t happen, couldn’t happen. Shadowhunter law, family expectation, his own rigid sense of right and wrong — all of it screamed against what James was leading him toward. But every time James kissed him, every time he touched him, the ground shifted. Resistance melted.

So now, lying back against the sheets with James above him, Matthew felt the world narrowing to this: James’s breath on his skin, the weight of his body pressing him down, the quiet certainty in his eyes.

And when James finally pushed forward, crossing that threshold Matthew had told himself a hundred times could never be crossed...

At first, it is disbelief.

He’s really doing this. He’s really inside me. I let him.

The pain is sharp, shocking — his body straining against something it was never meant to yield to. Every instinct in him says no — Shadowhunters don’t do this. Men don’t do this. He doesn’t do this.

And yet… he has. He is.

Because it’s James.

(Continue reading on AO3. 🖤

James had always believed in love.

It wasn’t an abstract faith, or something learned from storybooks — it lived, vividly, in the walls of his home. In the way his father looked at his mother like she was sunlight made flesh. In the quiet way she touched his hand when he was in pain. In the stillness that surrounded them, like their hearts beat to the same rhythm and nothing in the world could break it.

That was love.

Patient. Steady. Devoted.

A vow whispered and then kept, every single day.

James had grown up watching that — knowing it. The kind of knowing that sank into your skin, became your blood. And somewhere along the line, he’d absorbed the idea that love was holy. Clean. Gentle.

Which is why he hated himself now.

Because when he thought of Matthew, it wasn't clean at all. It wasn't soft. It wasn't the kind of thing you could show to your mother and see her smile.

It was dark. Messy. Possessive.

He wanted Matthew too much. Wanted him silent, writhing, pinned. He wanted to feel him yield, not freely — but because there was nowhere else to go. He wanted to ruin him and then kiss the bruises better.

And that wasn’t love.

Was it?

Not the kind Will and Tessa had taught him.

James pressed the heel of his hand to his eyes. The images didn’t stop. They never stopped.

The worst part was — he knew he wasn’t cruel. Not truly. He was kind. Empathetic. He cried when children were lost. He’d never struck anyone who didn’t deserve it. And he loved Matthew so fiercely it fractured him. He would kill for him. Die for him.

And yet…

Sometimes he imagined owning him.

Not sharing him. Not even asking.

Sometimes he pictured Matthew resisting. And liked it.

And no one had ever told him that love could be that way, too. That longing could rot at the edges and still be love.

So he carried it like a secret illness. Because how could he explain it to the people who had made him — who had only ever shown him roses and not the thorns?

And how could he ever explain it to Matthew?

The boy he loved. The boy he wanted to worship, and to ruin. The boy who deserved tenderness — and who made him want to do anything but.

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I created this because I love James and Matthew, and they deserved so much better than what they got in the original work ! They are each other's one and only, and their relationship has always been a tangled mix of love, hatred, jealousy, admiration, and desire, ever since they were children, and i will die on this hill !

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Explaining my vision:

James: James is all intensity beneath restraint. On the outside he is composed, polite, intelligent, politically minded, is usually the strongest in the room but never shows off his strength. And beneath that: anxiety, self-hatred, anger, confusion, possessiveness/protectiveness, desire.

At the Academy, Matthew walks into James’s life like sunlight spilling into a locked, shadowed room — effortless, golden, wanted by everyone. James hates how drawn he is to Matthew. He would study him when Matthew wasn’t looking. Wanting him — not sexually, not yet — but emotionally, obsessively. Like a dragon seeing gold for the first time.

This mix of confusing and intense emotions didn't die out when they finally became friends, but they remained and grew as they themselves grew up.

How he sees Matthew now:

As someone irresistible, but infuriatingly self-destructive.

As someone he loves and hates at the same time. Someone he wants to possess and protect in equal measure.

As his greatest weakness — and the only person he’s ever loved so much that it scares him.

Matthew: On the surface, Matthew is everything James is not — effortless, magnetic, socially adored. But Matthew’s confidence is constructed, not rooted. His charm is armor. His smile, a distraction.

And James? James doesn’t perform.(according to Matthew) James is quiet, deliberate, principled in a way Matthew can’t replicate. He doesn’t need attention. He doesn’t chase approval. And that stillness — that unreadable restraint — fascinates Matthew.

So at the Academy, when he feels James’s eyes on him — not adoring, but sharp, searching — it hits Matthew like a blow. Because someone like James seeing him should mean something real, right? That he is more than the mask he is wearing?

What Matthew admires in James:

His stillness — James doesn’t need to fill the silence.

His intensity — when James chooses to care, he does so with violent depth.

His discipline — James doesn’t give in to pleasure or distraction easily.

His loyalty — once you're his, you're his completely. And that kind of devotion terrifies Matthew because he craves it more than he wants to admit.

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TLIL + everyone’s favorite warlocks

Make Me Choose: @virginiadre asked - Cristina Rosales or Helen Blackthorn?

Make Me Choose: @virginiadre asked - Lucie x Cordelia or Lucie x Matthew? 

hot faerie threesome + kindness

clary + matthew

tessa, james, lucie

“There was no history of such impossible beings.”