Missed me? I know I've missed y'all <3 This has been a LOOOOONGGGG three years LMAO. Last I was here I was still a kid, but now I am, surprising even myself, an adult. Yes, ya boi is 18 as of September 24th.
But this isn't a personal blog, so I'd lay off on the personal stuff except for that I've had a shit ton of ups and downs in these three years and a lot has changed... Including my faith.
Religion, to me, has been a constant in life. From birth to this very day, I seek religion. I was born Muslim, grew up Muslim, but then fell away from Islam. That much I'm sure my old followers know. I leaned back on Hellenic Polytheism when Islam became inhospitable. I leaned back on what to me was the most important thing in life: Love. And that Love was Mother Aphrodite.
Love holds the world together. Humans are communal creatures. Love is at the centre of our existence, our society and our civilization. From Prometheus, from Adam, from Manu and from the first modern homo erectus — Humanity has relied on love. Love for oneself, which manifests as survival instinct. Love for one's family, which manifests as protectiveness. Love for one's neighbours, which manifests as community. And even Love for one's enemy, which manifests as diplomacy. Love is a great power. I might even go as far as to say Love is the only power.
Perhaps it was my monotheistic upbringing which made my praxis so centric on Aphrodite, and I acknowledge that many may have not shared that henotheistic view, of a supremacy over all other divine beings. Perhaps it was my reason, of my then childish brain, which made me put Aphrodite on a pedestal above all.
I still exalt Her greatness, and I miss her dearly.
No, I have not practiced in these three years. However, I have never felt safer going out of a religion than I have with with faith. I must give it that credit. So what pushed me away?
I'd promised I wouldn't turn this vent-y, but here I am, laying my heart bare to you all. But alas, this is a temple of Love, is it not? Hearts are to be laid bare.
I'd considered reason, I'd considered need. I rationed with all I had, tried to reason with myself the existence of a divine being. Perhaps it is my idea of divinity as a personal force rather than a universal one which drove me away. I am not immune to bias, alas.
But reason was often at war with me. I needed divinity, I needed religion. I needed a crutch to lean back on, to lay my problems at the feet of in sacrifice. I needed a God. Allah didn't fulfill that role, so I sought the old gods.
Old Gods of a nation which isn't mine. I'm Bengali, that much you must know. This feeling wasn't there when I first practiced, but as I've grown into a bigger age, though still relatively measly at 18, I felt the rift between me and the gods grow. I prayed to them in Greek or English, which always felt a bit odd on my Bengali tongue. I know, the Gods don't care about the language you use. But, again, it is my own bias acting against me.
Nowhere. I wish I could say I've achieved anything, but really I've got nothing very fruitful out of these three years. I'm still me, but, I don't intend to come off as boastful, more mature, more introspective, more... Indifferent. I've grown into a rather nonchalant person. Nothing bothers me, or at least I don't think too much about it to let it bother me.
Another way to put it would be I've turned shallow. The differences of blood and bone faze me. It is a bit cruel to say this, and I do not intend any offence to anyone, but I cannot bring myself to pray to a white man's god.
Aphrodite isn't a white goddess. She originated in the Levant, and in my practice she retained her Levantine aspects. However, even so, it's become harder for me to connect. It's been painful, but I do, in some corner of my mind, believe that the Mother has given her baby Dove the chance to fly on his own.
So, do I believe in Aphrodite?
It's... Complicated. Currently I don't practice any religion, though you could call my beliefs Hindu to some degree. So I do not engage in worship, nor do I call myself religious. But do I believe in Aphrodite? Yes. A thousand times yes. I'd be a fool not to believe in her. I'd be stupid not to believe in Love. Cheesy as it sounds, you'd know what I mean if you read the ramble on Love earlier in this post.
So, will I continue to post, now that I've finally decided to pay Tumblr a visit? I'm not sure, to be fairly honest. We'll see what the Gods have in mind, but the chances are... I won't. Or at least, I don't think I'll be posting theological or votive posts. So while I don't want to call it a goodbye, I also don't want to potentially lie and say I'll be consistent. I genuinely do love this community, and I've made good friends from it. So what I can say is — I'll be here. If you need me, I'll be here. As a friend, as a listening ear. I'm still around, and life will be well.
So, in short. I've missed you all, and I continue to miss you. I've been absent, I can't promise to be present, but I'll be here as a roadside hermit of sorts.
In other news, FREE PALESTINE 🇵🇸 FREE SYRIA 🇸🇾 FREE SUDAN 🇸🇩 and may all revolutions be in the people's favour, gods willing <3