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Wanderlust

(2019, Amanda Wells, acrylic on paper)

Coming to understand that you can’t make someone accept how you felt. Coming to understand the long shadow it casts on your – I hesitate to say the word – soul. How trite it all feels to put to words, and constantly warring between the instinct to give in to the gravity of the grief, and the instinct to put shame to it. To reject the grief because it feels much too close ...

I said ‘I love you’ and maybe she said it too. But I don’t know if either of us knew what we were saying at the time. Like speaking around something you can’t ever fully see or understand. It’s just words we’ve traditionally pinned to this massive intangible thing. And it’s no less true for our lack of comprehension.

It casts a shadow on my heart, and I think so often of this loss. It might be small in comparison to other losses. But it is still love lost – or if it isn’t lost, it is damaged… over shadowed. And I can’t know what feelings or thoughts they have on the other side of this (because I do still think of it like a bridge, or a string between us).

I wonder if she actually knows what the word means that is tattooed on her side. I wonder if she’ll ever come to that point of peace and vulnerability to make sense of the circles we make with our words – how words hold contradictions and truths simultaneously, like Gods.

#art #original art #amanda wells art #personal work #grief #lost friendship #working it oit with paint and words

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