Your Lips, My Heart

Hey Hearts!

So right now I want to talk about shifting. Recently I’ve begun my own shift. Well actually, my shift started long before I noticed it and I’m just now accepting it and manifesting it.

Thursday morning was a normal day. Routine for my 5 month old is that I get her ready, dressed, and prepped for school. I dropped her off and it was raining pretty tough. I went into Family dollar to get some household things and came home.

I told my best friend I was going to cut my hair and he like says for everything, “Alright. Do it.” I walked to the bathroom and started from the back. Snip. Something I couldn’t come back from. I snipped away a few individually, exhaled and kept going. This time in small bunches. Hearing the bladed grind against my hair and watching my hair fall into the sink was both exhilarating and terrifying… soon I was left with what I would find out from natural hair world was call a “twa” or “teeny weenie Afro”. That was it. That was my start.

For the past 6 ½ years my hair had grown. But it had been stunted. It had stopped growing due to stress, low self-esteem, fighting, doubt,toxic relationships, and draining friendships. All of that mess was entangled in my strands..To an outsider my hair looked like it was just a brown crown that seemed in place but inside - the root was severely damaged. I had held on to that damage so long both literally and metaphorically. I would try to “mend” my locs by joining two damaged locs together or a weaker one to a stronger on, or I iWork’s knot the locs that were thinning out so they wouldn’t break. You know that saying “Don’t fix what isn’t broken.”? Well it should’ve been “Don’t hold on to what was trying to be free.” I kept trying to rework things that had already worked themselves out. I kept trying to make solutions where there was already a resolve. I needed to LET GO!! I was holding onto everything and everyone who didn’t want or need to be there. I was damaged.

I could no longer continue to pretend that I was okay. My struggles were internal and it was up to me and The Most High to get through. Cutting my locs off and clearing space for positivity and clarity was what I needed sorely. Learning not to be attached to people, situations, or things that were no longer beneficial to my spirit, my heart or my health is the biggest lesson in willing to continue to learn. After all I do have a small vessel to pour into. So, I had to let the season shift me and transition me into who I am ultimately becoming and embracing her full force.

I read a post from a Facebook friend that said “The next 177 days of 2017 is about knowing your worth, knowing/ fulfilling your purpose, and putting your happiness first.” That couldn’t be more true for me. I am happy. I see a by if a glow coming on. So I’m am indeed accepting the shift taking place. And while doing so, I’ll continue to walk in my light so I can shine for Nala.

So, here it is! The first post to the blog that will break some things down and hopefully some barriers down too. I will be as transparent with my content as I want. After all, this is my place of peace, right?

Throughout my entire life I've always felt like I was just...here. Existing. I always felt like I was just stumbling through my life. Quite literally, actually. I'm extremely clumsy and that has spilled over into my real life and how I handle things. That's especially true in my relationships..

I fell in love for the first time when I was 12 years old. Again at 17, and again at 24. I have always questioned myself on whether or not love was for ME. When I was young I grew myself up on R&B, chick flicks, romantic comedies, and melodramatic teen series, such as DeGrassi: The Next Generation. Lol. (That was my favorite) Anyway, while taking indulging countless hours in all of these characters, I began to think, "Wow! I want THAT kind of love." Needless to say, I'm single.

In between the times that I have been in love there was a lot of hurt, pain, confusion, miscommunication, low self-esteem, and insecurities. I was a mess. I allowed people to take advantage of me, my niceness, my nurturing nature, and my inability to say "no" for the fear that I'd be missing something. Or, if I just hung in a little longer this person will be able to fulfill whatever it is I'm missing. I was doing myself a great disservice. I wanted the images I pictured when I belted out notes from the love songs. I wanted the type of attention the guy gave the girl once she was his in the movies. I wanted the type of black love success stories I'd seen in my friends have. I wasn't so naïve to think love was perfect, but I wanted L O V E. And I wanted it to want me.

That landed me in a bunch of "situationships". A situationship is an urban phrase that plagues most relationships knowingly and unknowingly. If you ask folks the definition, you may get similar answers but in the end they all boil down to this: Dating someone with the "no strings attached "mindset. There is no requirement to be committed, no expectations to move beyond the situation at hand. Most times its " it is what it is" or "we are what we are". The thing is, being in a situationship is really tricky at least for me. And here's why: Let's say you meet a guy. Ya'll sense the mutual attraction, you connect, and you start seeing each other. You two date, take interest in each other's personal lives, acknowledge achievements, birthdays, talk all day, text all night, and even come home to one another occasionally. You're not alone, because you have tis wonderful person who is damn near close to perfect- everything that you wanted seemed to be right in front of you. However when you bring up the "R word" the situation changes a bit. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you but he's willing to act like you guys are already there and even get the perks too. THAT is a situationship at its finest. And you can't talk about it to your girls because you cant explain what hasn't been defined by you and your "situation". Not to mention the fact that its socially unacceptable and you don't want the judgment.

That shit stung. but, after it happened I vowed to treat Tasha better. She knew better . She deserved better . I wanted to treat my heart better.

That was the Fall of 2014 and by the Spring of 2015 I birthed KissMyHeart Cosmetics. It was everything I felt emotionally molded into color and placed on the lips. I needed an outlet. Something would allow me to get back to ME. I loved lipstick and it was the one thing I knew that I could wear and be as unapologetic and as authentic as possible. I never hide behind my lipstick. I wear that shit like a badge of honor. So, I created a line of products that would blossom into the brand it is today. I just wanted to express myself through color. I may not know a lot but I do know love.