There are not enough words to describe how much I loved you, believed in you with all of my heart and stored up more just in case. And it’s silly, the way I would have given everything up for you, how I still question every single thing to make sense of the exact moment it all turned so wrong. Maybe I will always beat myself up over you, us, the win, the loss, the beginning, the end. It feels like living sometimes only long enough to see myself die. And I don’t know how I became this person, who feels so deeply, I break myself in pieces of someone I don’t even recognize.
And I don’t know who this person is, who always falls to my knees, offering an explanation for why I feel or apologize for the too much of myself. That’s who I am. And I shouldn’t be sorry. I am not sorry. I will never be sorry for who I am again or give anyone the power to take me to my knees to bleed out reasons why I am good enough, or scream like a plead to keep someone who runs the other way. That’s not who I am or who I have ever been, but love does crazy things sometimes, and I don’t ever want to be in such an ugly light. Because it hurts a lot. When a connection is severed, everything stops and all the things someone loved about you suddenly become all they despise.
They move on without looking back, convince themselves or someone else, that they never cared at all, make light of the feelings that once were. And from beginning to end, it’s all gone. The beautiful parts collide with the ugly and nothing is left. Just you… standing there, trying to keep it together, trying to stay strong, trying not to be the one who creates drama. But understand, it doesn’t matter what you do, you have to be the villain of the story. That’s how some people move on. By letting go hard, like they never touched you, saw you, knew you at all.
Let them go and please, never look back. If someone has to let go like that, in a way that rips your heartbreak open to break it again, they never had both feet in. No matter what you tell yourself, no matter how much they loved you and you loved them, you don’t do that to someone you loved. You just don’t. You don’t tell someone you loved to stop feeling when they are hurting, you don’t turn feelings into drama, but tell everyone else they will find their light again. You don’t listen to other people throwing matches into a fire just to see a show. YOU don’t. But some do.
Please don’t ever lose yourself like that. Don’t ever think you have to harden yourself with such hatred in order to move forward to love again. And don’t change the way you love based on the ways someone tried to tone you down. That’s not about you, love. That’s about them. So, be the crazy one, the one who feels, the one who means it, the promise that doesn’t break, the one with both feet in, and do not ever apologize for being you. Don’t let someone turn your light down, or mock your dark. You control the way you shine. Only you. No one has the power to stand next to you in the same light and say yours looks like shit.
No one has the power to stand next to you in the same dark and pretend yours is an act the curtain never closes for. You shine how you shine. When the tables turn and you find yourself sitting alone in a dark place, you light your heart up and remember how you shine all by yourself. Your heart never needs validation or permission for feeling, shining, or turning pitch black.
Don’t ever let someone scorn you for feeling, especially when they once felt the exact same as you. Light or dark, happy or sad, on top of the world or rock bottom, you hold on to you. Anyone who judges it can let go and leave without lingering around trying to make you feel guilty for being human. That only means they cannot let go yet. But you can! So, go, show me how you shine alone.
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