Your Dungeon Is Problematic

General: “Selkies are seal-like beings that have the ability to change into human form for a few days at a time.” ...A few days? That’s it? What for? In most selkie stories I’ve ever heard about, yes, the selkie does eventually return to her seal form, but it’s more just that she has this innate desire to be free and in the sea, whereas this seems to imply some kind of like...physical limitation? Is this an Animorphs situation? Will the selkie become human permanently if they’re in human form for more than a week? “When in their true, seal-like forms, they are nearly indistinguishable from normal seals. Close inspection of their arms, however, will reveal the presence of slightly webbed hands instead of fore flippers and legs instead of a tapering body and rear flippers.” Yeah, “Close inspection”, my ass. The structure of those grody hands are pretty markedly and immediately distinguished from a regular seal flipper. The only time this guy wouldn’t get weird looks was if the water was murky. And even then, most people who got a good look would be all, “poor dear, it’s got malformed flippers”. And the legs, just... no, that’s pretty much entirely different from a seal’s legs. It gives the body an entirely different profile. The selkies will look like potbellied swimmers in wetsuits from a distance, only for people to think they’re just really misshapen seals for whom every waking moment of life is agony with their accursed limb deformities. And then someone will probably be like, “Oh wait, they’re probably just selkies.” Like I really don’t think this was the best way to go for this creature, guys. You should have given them a regular seal form, and a regular human form; this half-and-half thing they got going on is nothing short of disturbing. And like, there can still be telltale signs in either form that this is no ordinary human/seal, like maybe some kind of special birthmark, or maybe selkies in human form are notably hefty, because the seal blubber doesn’t just disappear when the sealskin comes off, but this ain’t the way I’d go, with the limbs, and...yeesh. “Once a month, each selkie is able to assume human form for about a week. Usually selkies prefer to briefly visit the realm of men (which they call the ‘overworld’) out of curiosity, but sometimes they are ordered to go forth and purchase desperately needed supplies or information.” I’m still weirded out by the timescale provided, here. That doesn’t seem long enough. A week per month? But at least the reasons given for why they go to the surface are certainly reasonable. For fun, when it isn’t for food or information. Simple but not stupid. “When in human form, selkies are very attractive indeed and their fine looks have broken more than a few overworlders’ hearts. Their eyes are particularly noticeable as they are always either a bright emerald green or startling light blue. Since the selkie transformation is not a spell or magical effect, only spells like true seeing will reveal a selkie’s true nature, although their peculiar mannerisms and predilection for seafood also might.” I like this, honestly. Unless you know to look for the eyes, or if they’re really, really not good at blending in with the surface-dwellers, selkies are hard to suss out. Adds an air of mystery when the party’s benefactor only shows up a week every month and insists on holding meetings at the local crab shack. And then someone makes the connection and all the eccentricities click. 

Combat: “Since selkies are unable to swim quickly while carrying weapons, 90% of selkies encountered underwater will be unarmed. They use their sharp teeth whenever they are cornered but prefer to use their impressive speed underwater to escape superior odds. If encountered on land, selkies are wise enough to bear human weapons, most likely swords scavenged from the wrecks of ships.” ...Nothing much to add, really. It’s all fairly sensible. Seriously, selkies are hard to make unlikable, to me.

Habitat/Society: “Selkie communities are divided between male and female, with females usually outnumbering males, as male selkies are he hunter/gatherers throughout the often dangerous waters nearby.” Ugh, I say that and they immediately fall into the same bizarre job dichotomy the centaurs did... “However, both aspects of selkie “community” (domestic and provider) are equally respected within the lair, and no sex is accorded undue privileges.” Oh! Well, that’s good at least. You immediately caught yourselves, selkies. Don’t disappoint me, now. “Selkies inhabit only colder waters and there are both saltwater and freshwater varieties. Selkies almost always build their lairs in water-filled regions--selkie young must be raised in an air-filled environment for about their first year.” Huh! Well that’s...interesting, I suppose? “As mentioned earlier, selkies often find and explore wrecks of sunken treasure. Most selkie communities have hoarded at least some booty (especially pearls), keeping those otherwise useless trinkets only for purposes of trade with the overworld.” This is one of those times where again I’m like “then what the fuck else do they have for currency, unless they have some sort of barter system or communistic command economy type thing going on?” I mean, okay, yeah, a lot of times in an emergency situation when it comes right down to it, money doesn’t *do* anything...but in day-to-day situations, you exchange it for goods and services! How ‘bout that shit! You use it for trade, but it’s otherwise useless? ...Well yeah, guys, it’s money, that is its use. Like, duh. I know you’re trying to make a little bit of a hippy-dippy “they’re like, beyond money, maaaan!” sort of statement, but it comes off to me like you’ve just said “they use money” in the most roundabout way possible. Granted, they only use money with surface-worlders, and that does leave gaping holes in how their society works, but whatever. “Only selkies who have visited the overworld many times have ever acquired a taste for ornamenting themselves like overworlders, and can be distinguished from more traditional selkies immediately. For obvious reasons, these more experienced selkies are often the best representatives to deal with if one is an overworlder. Selkies can be hired and have a limited knowledge of overworlder culture.” Of course, the whole fact that there are more surface-experienced selkies out there, kind of raises the question as to what one of these selkies would do in the fairly-typical-in-the-old-tales scenario where their sealskin was stolen. ...Though, that said, hold on: where are their transformative sealskins? I don’t think I’ve seen anything in this passage that more than vaguely hints in the direction of their traditional, mythological means of going from one form to another. Which is frankly bizarre. Why even have selkies if you’re not going to include the sealskins...? “All magical treasure recovered by selkies is immediately commandeered for the good of the community and the lair’s defense.” Ah, so they at least have some sort of community militia, outfitted with the best salvaged magical loot. Good! This is a good thing. I like it.

Ecology: “Selkies are omnivorous, preferring to eat fish, shellfish, crustaceans, and various forms of seaweed. Those that have visited the surface are often partial to human fare as well. Selkies are particularly suceptible to fine wine, which is to be expected since these intoxicants are unknown below the seas.” I mean I guess that makes sense? I just fear that too much wine will like, get some landlubbers who’ve caught onto the whole selkie society to start economically exploiting the selkies by selling them wine, and... Eh, you see where I’m going. But like I said, it makes sense, to me. “Selkies are sensitive about their environment and harvest only what they need to survive. It is worth noting that selkie representatives lobby heavily whenever local overworlder environmental issues threaten selkie existence. Most selkie communities have learned the value of dropping a few pearls here and there in order to get what they want from men.” Well, they’re a cut above the centaurs by actually trying to actively influence human environmental policy through financial incentives. Being the change they want to see in the world, and all that. “While selkies in human form are quite beautiful, they are fortunate indeed that their pelts have little value in overworlder markets. They are, therefore, without any special enemies besides those common to seals and all ocean-dwelling beings.” ...Huh. You know, it’s weird, but I think that is the first, last, and only mention of the whole selkie pelt thing, and even then the fact that its tied to their transformation is only implied. So if you had no idea what a selkie was coming into this, I guess you’re going to be a tad confused where this note about the pelt is even coming from.  Also is this meant to be a subversion of the common selkie narrative of “selkie in human form gets stuck that way when some prick takes her pelt and forces her to marry him” thing? Like “Oh, uh, seal pelts aren’t worth much, so, uh, you don’t gotta worry, or nothing.” It’s weird.

Selkie, Leader: “Each venerable leader of a selkie community can cast the following spells once per day, one spell per round: augury, cure light wounds, and cure disease. Leaders can also cast weather summoning and control weather once per week. Selkies fear the wrath of the sea should they ever use their powers for ill.” ...Wait, all selkies need to do to get these spells is to...get old? Or do they need to both be old and be generally accepted as a leader of their community? I do like the sort of ominous warning at the end there. It almost implies like, a wrathful sea god, or something, who will totally Odyssey you for a decade if you screw with him.

General: “Centaurs are woodland beings who shun the company of men. They dwell in remote, secluded glades and pastures. The appearance of a centaur is unmistakable: they have the upper torso, arms, and head of a human being and the lower body of a large, powerful horse. Centaurs speak their own language and some among them (about 10%) can converse in the tongue of elves.” Well! Short, sweet, to the point. Though it is a little odd that they don’t speak common. Hell, only a minority of them bothered to learn Elvish. I wonder why Elvish, though? COULD THEY BE ESTABLISHING A THEME? Yes, yes they are, but first...

Combat: “A band of centaurs is always armed, and the leaders carry shields.” ...That’s a little bit of an ominous way to put it, isn’t it? “Always armed”? I mean I suppose an adventuring party doesn’t have any room to talk, since your average D&D party even at low levels has enough weaponry to besiege a small town, but are there no centaur civilians? And don’t they ever get tired of carrying their weapons? I suppose in theory they could utilize their own horse-backs for cargo transportation purposes, but the illustration up top is clearly an invocation of some kind of nubile noble savage archetype, what with the complete and utter nudity. “Half of the centaurs will be wielding oaken clubs (the equivalent of morning stars), one quarter will carry composite bows and have 10-30 arrows (either flight or sheaf, depending on the current state of affairs in the area). The remainder of the band will be leaders (AC4; HD5) using medium shields and medium horse lances.” Okay, see, again, the wooden clubs and the bows and arrows are again sort of tying into an implied “enlightened nature-loving savage” theme, like elves (COUGH COUGH) only even more so, and yet the leaders have medium shields and horse lances, like medieval knights. Like, alright, if you want to go for the jousting imagery, because they are, in fact, literal horsemen, it doesn’t make sense to me to have the leaders and only the leaders being knights if the rest of their society isn’t at that same level of cultural development. Though that’s just me. “Centaurs make 3 attacks each round in melee: once with their weapons and twice with their hooves.” Oh, shit. Like, no joke, that’s nothing to scoff at. Taking a horse hoof to the head will seriously ruin your day, perhaps the rest of your life.

Habitat/Society: “Centaurs are sociable creatures, taking great pleasure in the society of others of their kind. Their overall organization is tribal, with a tribe divided into family groups living together in harmony. The size of the tribe varies, it range [sic] from 3-4 families to upwards of 20 families. Since males have the dangerous roles of hunter and protector, females outnumber males by two to one.” ...Wait, wait, females are twice as numerous as males, just because the men are the hunters and warriors? The turnover rate is that fucking high? What the shit? When the gender imbalance is that high, I don’t care how conservative and traditionalist these centaurs are, you need to start getting some warrior women up in here. “The centaur mates for life, and the entire tribe participates in the education of the young.” So the children are raised by the tribe as a whole, and yet we still have separate gender roles, with the men hunting and warring, and the women doing...everything else, I guess? “The lair is located deep within a forest, and consists of a large, hidden glade and pasture with a good supply of running water. Depending upon the climate, the lair may contain huts or lean-tos to shelter the individual families. Centaurs are skilled in horticulture, and have been known to cultivate useful plants in the vicinity of their lair. In dangerous, monster infested areas, centaurs will sometimes plant a thick barrier of tough thorn bushes around their lair and even set traps and snares. In the open area, away from the trees, are hearths for cooking and warmth. If encountered in their lair, there will be 1-6 additional males, females equal to twice the number of males, and 5-30 young. The females (3 Hit Dice) and the young (1-3 Hit Dice) will fight only with their hooves, and only in a life or death situation.” Okay, okay, hold up, hold up. First of all, it’s a little creepy how you keep referring to them very clinically. “Males”, “females”, and especially “young”. They’re children, for God’s sake. Second of all, WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU PROVIDING THE HIT DIE FOR THE FUCKING CHILDREN ARE YOU FUCKING EXPECTING A FUCKING GAMING GROUP IS GOING TO FUCKING GO OUT OF THEIR FUCKING WAY TO FUCKING MURDER CHILDREN Third of all, why are the women unarmed? Like, if they’re the ones handling the horticulture, and they pretty much have to be if the men are out hunting and/or fighting, they should at least have gardening or farming tools that could serve as makeshift weapons. “Centaurs survive through a mixture of hunting, foraging, fishing, agriculture and trade. Though they shun dealings with humans, centaurs have been known to trade with elves, especially for food and wine. The elves are paid from the group treasury, which comes from the booty of slain monsters.” That’s...there’s an, um, an unfortunate little problem, with this concept. Well, more like a pair of problems, rather. And less “little” and more “gigantic”. So, first of all, they shun dealings with humans, but they trade with elves? Why? Do they just scoff at humans not being “close enough to nature”, or whatever? If someone is willing to trade you for a fair price, why not deal with them? What’s with these strange forest sanctions? Secondly, all of their money in their treasury comes from “the booty of slain monsters”??? Excuse me? Like, okay, granted, what the writers deem a “monster” is a far looser set of criteria than what I use, obviously, but usually I deem a monster to be some kind of nonsapient and usually supernatural man-eating creature, of some sort. Now most animals have absolutely no concept of the value of money, and so have no reason to keep any on their person. So obviously, the “monsters” that they slay must have enough higher reasoning to utilize currency. Going by the other examples given in the book, then I would presume the “monsters” that they slay are orcs, goblins, kobolds, and other fully sapient, thinking creatures capable of reason, even if they aren’t often portrayed as such. So, basically the centaurs straight-up murder any orc who wanders into their territory, presumably, given the extreme isolationist xenophobia on display by these centaurs, even the ones who were honestly simply lost in the woods, and take their money for their treasury. That is a lot of forest murder in order to generate enough revenue to pay elvish traders. Inter-polity economics don’t come cheap! I mean, they don’t think to sell any surpluses they might have from the hunting, foraging, fishing, or agriculture mentioned at the beginning of the same paragraph?? Their monetary economy is literally dependent upon there regularly being enough orcs (or other sapient humanoids who lack a sufficient amount of physical beauty) who wander into the woods, maliciously or otherwise, where the centaurs then murder them and take their stuff. That is not a way to generate long-lasting revenue for your economy, that’s a good way for anybody with half a brain stem to notice, “Oh hey, I know of at least 15 people who went into those woods and were never ever heard from again, maybe let’s avoid them.” I mean, again, I suppose adventuring parties have no room to talk in the arena of “killing people and taking their stuff”, but at least those are small groups of individuals, not whole tribal communities large enough to trade with developed elvish states.  “The territory of a centaur tribe varies with its size and the nature of the area it inhabits. Centaurs are also not above sharing a territory with elves.” M-multiculturalism? Could it be? For once, an instance where two races live peaceably in a cosmopolitan mix of people? “The attitude of a centaur toward a stranger in its territory will vary with the visitor. Humans and dwarves will usually be asked to leave in a polite manner, while halflings or gnomes will be tolerated, and elves will be welcome.” Oh. No. It’s just centaurs being racist pricks towards anyone who isn’t an elf, who for some bizarre reason are apparently the only species the centaurs see as equals?? Like, the language of them “tolerating” gnomes and halflings suggests a sort of intolerance, ironically enough. Like, if a gnome or halfling wanted to live among centaurs, for whatever reason, it seems that they’d quickly become a second-class citizen within the tribe. But hey, at least they’re not one of those nasty humans or industrial-minded dwarves. God forbid even a single tree be felled to fuel a hearth. Hearths that centaurs have in their forest lairs, according to this same article. ...How does the smoke not give them away, I wonder? I just noticed that. “Monsters will be dealt with in a manner according to the threat they represent to the welfare and survival of the tribe. Were a giant or dragon to enter the territory, the centaurs would pull up stakes and relocate, while trolls and orcs and their like will be killed.” Ah. Mm. Right. Okay. So. If a tribe of orcs, desperately searching for a land they can call their own, settle in your forest, because you’ve been hiding out in your secret special awesome secret glade and haven’t bothered to make it clear that these lands are already taken, you would prefer to murder them all in lieu of peaceable diplomatic negotiations beneficial to all involved?  Oh, wait, right, these orcs will probably have cash. How else are you going to buy some sweet elvish brandy if you don’t murder these orcs, men, women, and children, all, to get your hands on their pocket change? Of course, the fact that they would move out of their forest if a giant or dragon came to town kind of makes their tree-hugging isolationist xenophobia ring a little hollow. It comes off as like, “This is OUR forest, and we shall defend its boughs until our hearts beat their last! Unless you’re bigger than us, in which case, fuck it, we’ll find another forest. There’s plenty, who even cares?” Like, okay, dragons are a pretty hard to deal with problem, granted, but if it’s just the one giant, at least he can’t fly like the dragon can, and I doubt he can outrun you, so if you just did the horse-archer schtick and hit-and-fade a bunch you could probably drive him off, if you all worked together. But then, if you wanted to be most effective in this regard, you’d really, really want to abandon your tradition of having your women be near-total noncombatants, despite outnumbering the men two-to-one. There is strength in numbers, especially when we’re talking about having enough arrows to blot out the sun. “Centaurs will take the treasure of their fallen foes, and are fully aware of its value. Most male centaurs have a small coin supply, while the tribe has a treasury which may well include some magical items. Leaders will have twice the normal individual treasure. This treasure is used to buy food for the group, or to ransom (90% likely) captured or threatened members of the tribe.” So you don’t mint your own money, you take it off of people that you kill. And if you have enough money that most male centaurs have a coin purse, on top of the previously-mentioned treasury, and this supplies you with a not-insignificant amount of magical items, I again must ask: how many people are you guys murdering?! Because with the wealth you have been described as having, and given the one way that the reader has been informed that you collect it, that means that you either have killed one particularly wealthy orc, or, far more likely, have been murdering hundreds, if not thousands of orcs over the years, and rifling through their pockets for change.  And worse yet, this isn’t just one centaur tribe, this is every centaur tribe, since this is an entry for the species as a whole. Every centaur tribe has a fairly substantial treasury funded by the dead bodies of orcs who may well have simply made the mistake of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, because as you’ll recall, the centaurs’ policy towards orcs in their forests is strictly of the “shoot first, ask questions never” variety. “While basically neutral or chaotic good, centaurs have been known to become rowdy, boorish, and aggressive when under the influence of alcohol. They are also extremely protective of their females and young.” ...So, a species of strangely forest-obsessed frat-bros? “Centaurs are basically pastoral, but will react with violence if their lifestyle and survival is threatened.” Alright, that seems reasonable in theory, and yet so far the examples provided of them acting violent towards intruders don’t seem to be justified by this line of thought. What do these centaurs see as a “threat to their lifestyle and survival?” Because it seems that they believe that you are a threat to their lifestyle or survival by dint of being born an orc, in a lot of cases. If a human or dwarf whom they “politely asked to leave” then refused to leave as asked, would the human or dwarf then become a threat to their lifestyle or survival, too?? They kind of come across as racist Luddites.

Ecology: “The centaur lives in close harmony with nature and spends its lifetime carefully conserving the natural resources around its lair. The race seems to have an innate knowledge of how to achieve this precious balance.” Though with the way they treat non-elves, it certainly doesn’t seem that they’re willing to share any knowledge about the subject to anybody who doesn’t already know it. I mean, some protectors of nature you’ve turned out to be, if you don’t bother to teach others how you manage to do it so efficiently, even though that would be the most effective way of preserving the environment, by spreading your techniques. “If forced to chop down a tree, a centaur will plant another to replace it. Centaurs never over hunt or over fish an area as a human group might do, but choose their game with care, limiting the amount they eat.” Ah. Do you also have proper birth control? Because if the answer is no, if your population growth is positive, then it doesn’t matter how much you limit the amount you eat, your population will eventually outstrip your ability to acquire food in a sustainable manner, and you’ll have to look to outside sources, which means you’ll need a source of income, which means you’ll go on another pogrom against orcs, goblins, kobolds, or anybody else who doesn’t look like you and whom you assume “was probably up to no good, anyhow”, because your economy is LITERALLY SUSTAINED BY HATE CRIMES.

Overall: Okay, like, I know it wasn’t the intent of the writers, because they themselves were working with the assumption that orcs were either evil to a man, or the exceptions were so rare that it wouldn’t be worth it to give any random orc your run across the benefit of the doubt, but from a more nuanced perspective where no, not every orc is a bloodthirsty evil psychopathic maniac who would attempt to murder you as soon as look at you, then their entire economy is literally founded on hate crimes. To these centaurs, orcs, who have Intelligence scores, and therefore are sapient, and have all the free will that any other sapient species does and can choose not to be evil, are simply monsters that can be killed, their corpses rifled through for money and trinkets to throw on the community money pile. That attitude combined with their haughty disdain for humans and dwarves, and what seems to be only thinly-veiled disdain for halflings and gnomes, makes them seem less like wise and noble guardians of the forest, and more like xenophobic isolationist racist Luddites who will murder you for looking funny while also being on their property, which they apparently don’t mark, considering they live in secret glades while the men go out and stalk the woods for “intruders”, intruders who probably didn’t know that this forest was already occupied because nobody bothered to warn a guy, first. And their weird nonsensical misogyny is just a topper on a cake of horrible. Like, there’s a trope called “Men Are The Expendable Gender”, but I don’t think that trope should be in play when men are literally so scarce that they are outnumbered by women two-to-one. It does not make sense. All in all, their alignment being “Chaotic Good” is nothing short of baffling. The most “good” they do is living in a way that is environmentally friendly. A way that they have not deigned to share with “polluters” like humans and dwarves, despite that if they lived like you, you wouldn’t have any reason to disdain them, and the only way they’d learn these secrets, it seems, is if you bothered to get off your high horse and teach them a thing or two, you jackasses!

General:  “Hobgoblins are a fierce humanoid race that wage a perpetual war with the other humanoid races.” So, first sentence, and we already are embroiled in a war of racial violence. ...This doesn’t bode well. “They are intelligent, organized, and aggressive.” See, if it wasn’t for the previous sentence, or the adjective “aggressive”, they could simply be intelligent and organized. But no, to hell with that, they’re evil, because my fighter isn’t going to getting to Level 5 by not murdering people. “The typical hobgoblin is a burly humanoid standing 6 1/2′ tall. Their hairy hides range from dark reddish-brown to dark gray. Their faces show dark red or red-orange skin. Large males have blue or red noses. Hobgoblin eyes are either yellowish or dark brown while their teeth are yellow.” Wait, really? I’ve never seen it portrayed where their face is a significantly different color from the rest of their body, not to mention their noses. It makes them sound almost like baboons, or mandrills, or other weirdly colorful apes... And of course, they have terrible dental hygiene, because it’s not like anyone who wasn’t evil didn’t have terrible teeth, too. Heaven forbid a good person ever be unable to receive or afford dental care, right? “Their garments tend to be brightly colored, often bold, blood red. Any leather is always tinted black.” I’m struggling not to quote “Paint It Black”, here, guys. “Hobgoblin weaponry is kept polished and repaired.  Hobgoblins have their own language and often speak with orcs, goblins, and carnivorous apes. Roughly 20% of them can speak the common tongue of man.” ...Wait, the common tongue of man? Since when has humanity ever, ever had a common tongue? I mean, you get lingua francas from time to time, but even those are usually known more by scholars or merchants or the like, not all people, everywhere. Hell, the closest we’ve ever gotten to a “common language” is English, and that’s only due to the cultural influence of both Great Britain and the United States over the last two centuries, after the Industrial Revolution was well underway, and then even more so after the advent of television, and later the Internet. To me there’s a gaggle of weird and/or unfortunate implications by having a “common language” that is explicitly “of man” in a pseudo-medieval setting. Not to mention, if dwarves and elves have been around longer, as they so often are in D&D settings, why wouldn’t any lingua franca descend from Dwarvish, Elvish, or hell, even Draconic?? ...I’m sorry, I got off on a tangent, so allow me a very small one: “Carnivorous apes”?! Where are the carnivorous apes?! I haven’t seen any carnivorous apes in this book, much less ones that are sapient to the point of using language. Did I miss them?? I mean, they can’t be using an insulting term for orcs or goblins, because they’re mentioned by name alongside the “carnivorous apes”. Where are the apes?! Alright, sorry, moving on.

Combat: “Hobgoblins in a typical force will be equipped with polearms (30%), morningstars (20%), swords and bows (20%), spears (10%), swords and spears (10%), swords and morning stars (5%), or swords and whips (5%).” You know, with a diversity of arms like that, and if you read up on the necessary strategies to portray this in-game, you could make the hobgoblins masters of combined arms tactics. A squad of spearmen defending the archers, and such. I mean, I suppose a high enough level wizard could blow through such groups with fireballs and the like, but on the other hand, if it’s just the one wizard against an army of hobgoblins, an army has more men to spare than most wizards have spells for the day... “Hobgoblins fight equally well in bright light or virtual darkness, having infravision with a range of 60 feet. Hobgoblins hate elves and always attack them first.” I...well. ...That came right the hell out of nowhere, didn’t it? No context of any kind, before or after, this is the last sentence of this section. Just leave us on that note, eh? Is this just to remind DMs that if the party has an elf in it, any hobgoblin armies will just beeline towards them for murder? What’s the point?

Habitat/Society: “Hobgoblins are nightmarish mockeries of the humanoid races who have a military society organized in tribal bands,” Ah. Just starting off with a right hook of “evil AND ugly”, eh? Well. “Nightmarish mockeries”? Seriously? Just because they do have a military society, and are perhaps not as “classically beautiful” like the elves are, doesn’t make them “Nightmarish mockeries”. I mean, most dwarves aren’t exactly lookers, themselves, and their society is all about mining and killing whatever disrupts their mining, but that doesn’t make them “nightmarish mockeries” of anyone else who mines and is militaristic. Hell, “nightmarish mockeries” would make more sense if they were corruptions of a different race, like how Tolkiens orcs are thought to be corrupted elves, or if they were just manufactured by some evil entity, but as far as I can tell hobgoblins arose as naturally as any other race in Dungeons & Dragons, and yet you’re just going to call them “nightmarish mockeries of the humanoid races who have a military society”.  Right.  “Each tribe is intensely jealous of its status. Chance meetings with other tribes will result in verbal abuse (85%) or open fighting (15%).” This just gives me the hilarious mental image of some scribe shadowing a hobgoblin tribe and recording the reaction whenever they came across a different tribe over the course of a year or two. “It just gets into a metaphorical pissing match 85% of the time.” “That’s ludicrously precise.” “Hobgoblin tribes are found in almost any climate or subterranean realm. A typical tribe of hobgoblins will have between 20 and 200 (2d10 x 10) adult male warriors. In addition, for every 20 male hobgoblins there will be a leader (known as a sergeant) and two assistants. These have 9 hit points each but still fight as 1+1 Hit Die monsters. Groups numbering over 100 are led by a sub-chief who has 16 hit points and an Armor Class of 3. he great strength of a sub-chief gives it a +2 on its damage rolls and allows it to fight as a 3 Hit Die monster. If the hobgoblins are encountered in their lair, they will be led by a chief with AC 2, 22 hit points, and +3 points of damage per attack, who fights as a 4 Hit Die monster. The chief has 5-20 (5d4) sub-chiefs acting as bodyguards. Leaders and chiefs always carry two weapons.” ...This implies a much more complex and organized society than the monstrous manual will deign to elaborate on. And on a minor note, why didn’t they go all the way with the military ranking thing? Like, okay, so you got sergeants in charge of 20-man groups, why isn’t the “sub-chief” called a “captain” or a “colonel”, or something? Why isn’t the chief a “general” or “warlord”?  ...Don’t tell me it’s because by using “tribal” terminology it makes them seem more “primitive” and therefore less “cultured” and therefore because they don’t contribute much in the way of “culture” it’s “more okay” to exterminate them, because that would be nothing short of absolutely hideous. “Each tribe has a distinctive battle standard which is carried into combat to inspire the troops. If the tribal chief is leading the battle, he will carry the standard with him, otherwise it will be held by one of his sub-chiefs.” ...Well, uh, good? Is there some morale bonus for depriving them of it? If there is, you don’t expound upon it here. Is it in the DMG? “In addition to the warriors present in a hobgoblin tribe, there will be half again that many females and three times as many children as adult males.” Oh, my God. So literally for every two hobgoblins you’re killing, that’s three hobgoblin women and six hobgoblin children you’re leaving without a father/husband/brother/what-have-you? That’s awful. You keep doing this, Monstrous Manual, you keep telling us about the women and children, right after telling us that this species can be killed without any moral quandaries, and then don’t tell us what to do about the noncombatants that the party will leave behind, traumatized, if you play them as written. It is baffling. “Fully 80% of all known hobgoblin lairs are subterranean complexes. The remaining 20% are surface villages which are fortified with a ditch, fence, 2 gates, and 3-6 guard towers. Villages are often built upon ruined humanoid settlements and may incorporate defensive features already present in the ruins.” See, this shows at least as much knowledge of construction of fortification, or ingenuity in utilizing old construction, as the armies of Rome did in ancient times, but I hardly think you would call Rome ‘uncivilized’ or free to exterminate, eh? Despite the Roman Empire being at least as devoted to military expansion as these hobgoblins you’re trying to portray as irredeemably evil.  “Hobgoblin villages possess artillery in the form of 2 heavy catapults, 2 light catapults, and a ballista for each 50 warriors. Underground complexes may be guarded by 2-12 carnivorous apes (60%)” It is things like this that I like, because they do portray the military focus of their society, even though I know it’s to show DMs how to design these fortresses that their parties are inevitably going to infiltrate and burn to the ground.  ...Also, again with the carnivorous apes?! Did I overlook an entry in this book? Where are the carnivorous apes?? ......Oh, they’re under ‘Mammal’.  ...Huh. See, it’s just weird that, first of all, they can be spoken with in a manner they can understand, and also as far as I know there are no apes that are obligate carnivores? ...I mean, I suppose more than a few are insectivorous, but that’s a little different from red meat, you know? Though who knows, I could be wrong. Moving on! “They are highly adept at mining and can detect new construction, sloping passages, and shifting walls 40% of the time.” See, between the mining, the stout defenses and fortifications, and the racial hatred towards elves, explain to me in what way hobgoblins are different from most dwarven kingdoms.

Ecology: “Hobgoblins feel superior to goblins or orcs and may act as leaders for them.” ...In a “white man’s burden”, kind of way, or...? “In such cases, the ‘lesser races’ are used as battle fodder.” Ah. ...Though in practice, that’s usually how the “white man’s burden” mentality seems to play out, too... “Hobgoblin mercenaries may work for powerful or rich evil humanoids.” But only evil ones, because since when have good humanoids ever been powerful and/or rich? Like, this is especially odd, considering if you’re mercenaries, you work for the highest bidder, usually, right? So if the good guys pay you better, could you convert hobgoblin mercenaries to your way of thinking? Or, because they’re EEEEEEVIL, would they take the money and run?

Koalinth: “This marine species of hobgoblin is similar to the land dwelling variety in many respects. Koalinth dwell in shallow fresh or salt water and make their homes in caves. Their bodies have adapted to marine environments via the evolution of gills. Their webbed fingers and toes give them a movement rate of 12 when swimming. Their bodies are sleeker than those of hobgoblins and they have light green skin. They speak an unusual dialect of the hobgoblin tongue.” ...So does anyone else get vague flashbacks to the seadweller trolls from Homestuck? Because I’m getting vague flashbacks to the seadweller trolls from Homestuck. ...Also, hold up, they evolved gills? So evolution in Dungeons & Dragons is confirmed. So are hobgoblins some manufactured-to-be-evil race, or did they arise through natural evolution? Because if they evolved naturally there is no reason that I can think of that they would be absolutely bugfuck evil, to a man. “They tend to employ thrusting weapons like spears and pole arms. Koalinth are every bit as disagreeable as hobgoblins, preying on every thing they come across, especially aquatic humanoid and demi-human races. They detest aquatic elves.” Well that’s self-destructive as hell. If you destroy anything and everything that is not you, then anything that isn’t you is going to gang up on you and take you out. It’s societal suicide.  ...And again with the weird, specific elf hate. No expounding on that point at all, just “they hate THESE GUYS in particular”.  I mean, I suppose racism doesn’t really have any good explanation, but usually they try to think of some threadbare justification to sate their own warped consciences.

General: “Kuo-toa are an ancient race of fish-men that dwells underground and harbors a deep hatred of surface dwellers and sunlight. A kuo-toan presents a cold and horrible appearance. A typical specimen looks much like a human body, albeit a paunchy one, covered in scales and topped with a fish’s head. The huge fish eyes tend to swivel in different directions when observing an area or creature. The hands and feet are very long, with three fingers and an opposing digit, partially webbed. The legs and arms are short for its body size. Its coloration is pale grey, with undertones of tan or yellow in males only. The skin has a sheen from its slimy covering. The color darkens when the kuo-toan is angry and pales when it is badly frightened. A strong odor of dead fish follows it around.” Ah, right, “cold and horrible”. Already presenting a fair and balanced idea of what kuo-toans are, aren’t we? Honestly, maybe it would be creepier to see a more photorealistic portrayal, but as they’re represented by the little guy at the top of the page they look almost cute in a “weird fish-man” sort of way. The wide eyes and the fishy frown make him look rather hapless, but that might just be me. Also the detail about their skin coloration darkening with rage and paling with fear reminds me of how such emotional extremes tend to effect anime characters, which in and of itself also kind of detracts from their supposed “cold and horrible appearance”. And I suppose what is another strike against the “cold and horrible appearance” claim is that I’m not exactly being sold on the size of these guys. They’re listed as Medium creatures (with higher level ones being Large, as one does with enemy progression) but they have the rotundity and awkward limb sizes of halflings. Like take the picture given to us and label it “aquatic halfling” and I’d totally buy it. If they’re supposed to be Medium creatures I’m just going to be forced to sit here and wonder how they’re supposed to be a threat, between the stubby legs, and the skinny arms, and the soft, unprotected belly which evidently is 80% of their mass, and the heads which seem to preclude binocular vision... At least the Locathahs had the general proportions of something that stands at a man’s height. Here, the supposed menace of subterranean aquatic society is a bunch of naked flabby fish guys with stubby legs and skinny arms. “It wears no clothing, only leather harnesses for its weapons and gear. Typically, a kuo-toan warrior carries daggers, spears, shields, harpoons, and weighted throwing nets.” Again, unless I find something that says otherwise, their skin doesn’t look especially thick or protective, and while one might argue the leather harnesses in lieu of armor are to make sure they’re unhindered underwater, they’re already being loaded down by their four different kinds of weapons, plus the shield. At that point, and considering how awkward their body plan is for underwater locomotion already, they’d be better served with committing to armor, anyways. “Flabby naked fish people” don’t register as a major threat, certainly not one on the level of, say, the drow, or the mind flayers.  “Kuo-toa speak the strange subterranean trade language common to most intelligent underworld dwellers.”  Well! Then I fully expect them to be open to reasoned talks and negotiation, if they bothered to learn the lingua franca of the underground. The Underdark? Whatever we’re calling it, these days.  “Additionally, they speak their own arcane tongue and have empathic contact with most fish.” Like Aquaman? ...The empathic contact to fish, not the arcane tongue, that is. “Their religious speech is a corruption of the language used on the elemental plane of Water; if a kuo-toan priest is in a group of kuo-toa, it is 75% unlikely that a creature from the elemental plane of Water will attack, for the priest will request mercy in the name of the Sea Mother, Blibdoolpoolp.” That’s...actually a legitimately interesting concept. Kind of a poor name for a sea goddess, “Blibdoolpoolp”, but it almost suggests like some kind of primordial creation myth that might be more true than surface-dwellers would like to think, or something... I mean, if it has a tangible effect on peeps from the Elemental Plane of Water, you would think, eh?

Combat: “These creatures normally travel in well-armed bands. If more than 20 kuo-toa are encountered, it is 50% likely that they are within 1d6 miles of their lair.” ...I mean, I would assume so. Otherwise it’s a warband on the march, and that’s almost worse, really. “If more than 20 normal fighters are encountered, the group is a war [sic] consisting of the following: One 10th-level fighter as Captain Two 8th-level fighters as Lieutenants Four 3rd/3rd-level fighter/thief Whips One Monitor (see below) One slave per four kuo-toa” That’s really not something to sneeze at, depending on the level of your party. Hell, a party of 5 at 5th level or lower would probably really struggle with these guys. Damn. Almost a “End boss of a lower level adventure” threat, honestly. “The whips are fanatical devotees of the Sea Mother goddess of the kuo-toa. They inspire the troops to stand firm and fight without quarter for the glory of their ruler and their deity.” So the resident commissar/political officer, then, eh? “It is 50% probable that any kuo-toan priest above 6th level is armed with a pincer staff. This is a 5-foot-long pole topped by a three-foot-long claw. If the user scores a hit, the claw has closed upon the opponent, making escape impossible. The weapon can be used only on enemies with a girth range between an elf and a gnoll. It is 10% probable that both arms are pinned by the claw and 40% probable that one arm is trapped. If the victim is right handed, the claw traps the left hand 75% of the time. Trapped opponents lose shield and Dexterity bonuses. If the weapon arm is trapped, the victim cannot attack and the Dexterity bonus is lost, but the shield bonus remains.” ...That’s...silly. A little claw-grabber arm. That’s their big signature weapon. “OOOOH I’MMA GETCHA! GONNA GETCHA WITH MY GRABBY-POLE!” isn’t exactly...threatening. Now, being trapped and beset upon by all sides by remorseless fish people is a lot scarier, but it would be scarier if the distinct mental image in my head of this thing was not of a grabby-hand sort of child’s toy or reaching tool that old people sometimes have to use. It undercuts the menace, just a tad. “When two or more kuo-toan priests or priest/thieves operate together, they can generate a lightning stroke by joining hands. The bolt is two feet wide and hits only one target unless by mischance a second victim gets in the way. the bolt inflicts 6 points of damage perpriest, half that if a saving throw vs. spell is successful. The chances of such a stroke occurring is 10% cumulative per caster per round.” Uhhhh, guys, I don’t know if you know this, but you’re aquatic. Which means generally you’ll be found in/very near water. Which means you will conduct electricity super well, and as fish, will fry up deliciously, I’m afraid.  Now whether or not a divine magical bolt of lightning follows the rules of conductivity normal lightning does is up in the air, but that’s how I’d rule it. Zapping themselves in their bid to zap their enemies, brought low by their own hubris, the poor things... “Despite their eyes being set on the sides of their heads, they have excellent independent monocular vision, with a 180-degree field of vision and the ability to spot movement even though the subject is invisible, astral, or ethereal. Thus, by maintaining complete motionlessness, a subject can avoid detection. Kuo-toa also have 60-foot infravision and have the ability to sense vibrations up to 10 yards away. They are surprised only on a 1 on the 1d10 surprise roll.” ...Excuse me? How the bloody hell could you possibly see the movement of somebody who’s invisible, astral, or ethereal?? How would lacking binocular vision help you in that regard?? Even if I was to assume that invisibility in D&D is like the cloak from the Predator movies and it’s a shimmery sort of invisibility that you can spot if you’re aware and looking hard enough for it, but first of all, I do not think that’s how that’s supposed to work, and secondly, that’s the sort of vision that would be a whole hell of a lot harder to see if you did not have any sort of depth perception, which monocular vision by definition precludes. That’s such a non-sequitur that if you sprung that upon your players as a DM, they’d eviscerate you. Like, “I turn invisible and sneak up on the kuo-toa guarding the door.” “He can see you perfectly.” “...How?? I’m invisible! Is he wearing a magical item, or something?” “No, uh, he just...has eyes...on the sides of his head...” “...Are his eyes magical?” “...No?” “THEN THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE” Seriously. It’s just a transparent attempt to make them seem like more of a threat than squat-looking fishy folk should be. “Kuo-toa are totally immune to poison and are not affected by paralysis. Spells that generally affect only humanoid types have no effect on them. Electrical attacks cause half damage, or none if the saving throw is successful; magic missiles cause only 1 point of damage; illusions are useless against them.” Okay, but again: why?? Poisons I could at least see them having some sort of natural biological immunity towards, but how are an aquatic species immune to electricity? Are they like the famed electric eel? I mean I know they were tossing some divine thunderbolts earlier, but I was willing to write that off as a fluke because it was magically summoned from their god, but if it’s any electrical attack, period, that is seriously weird, to me. And then just...no explanation as to why they only take a single point of damage from magic missiles, or why illusions don’t work (aside from the “side-mounted eyes” bullshit excuse from earlier), so I’m just left here scratching my head. “They suffer full damage from fire attacks and save with a -2 penalty against them.” Which makes sense, but if you’re fighting them in water, I wonder how any of that is affected... “Sometimes kuo-toa are encountered in small bands journeying in the upper world to kidnap humans for slaves and sacrifices. Such parties are sometimes also found in dungeon labyrinths that connect to the extensive system of underworld passages and caverns that honeycomb the crust of the earth. Only far below the surface of the earth can the intrepid explorer find the caverns in which the kuo-toa build their underground communities.” You know, it’s funny that so much is made of their apparently superhumanly acute vision when, as cave fish, you’d think they’d be blind, even totally eyeless. Also I’m not sure human slaves will survive for long in waterlogged caverns, but then I suppose that’s why raiding parties are seen at least somewhat regularly, based on their wording. ...And hold on, are “dungeon labyrinths” a common underground occurrence? How extensive is this system of underworld passages and cavers that honeycomb the crust of the earth? Is the surface world going to eventually fall victim to a giant-ass sinkhole once the underground civilizations bite off more than their infrastructure can chew? Is this how the kuo-toa will die, literally crushed by the surface world falling on top of them, the surface world they sought so desperately to annihilate?

Habitat/Society: “Kuo-toa spawn as do fish, and hatchlings, or fingerlings as they call their young, are raised in pools until their amphibian qualities develop, about one year after hatching. The young, now a foot or so high, are then able to breathe air and they are raised in pens according to their sex and fitness. There are no families, as we know them, in kuo-toan society.” I suppose it would be a little anthrocentric to presume they would have families exactly similar to those of human societies...but then, why does their method of child-rearing resemble human aquaculture, instead??  “Especially fit fingerlings, usually of noble spawning, are trained for the priesthood as priests, priest/thieves, or special celibate monks.” ...If there are no families, and you just dump your young into communal spawning pools to be born, how do you determine who is or is not “noble”? It’s hard to be of noble blood when there’s no noble familial system. “The latter are called ‘monitors’ whose role is to control the community members who become violent or go insane. The monitor is capable of attacking to subdue or kill.” ...I...does...does this happen often, for members of the community to just “become” violent or go insane, apropos of nothing? Because if it’s truly so common that you have a dedicated niche of this society specifically to control these segments of the population, perhaps a better mental health care system is in order. “A monitor has 56 hit points, attacks as a 7th-level fighter and has the following additional abilities: twice the normal movement rate, AC 1, and receives four attacks per round--two barehanded for 2d4 points of damage (double if trying to subdue) and two attacks with teeth for 1d4+1 points of damage. One hand/bite attack occurs according to the initiative roll, the other occurs at the end of the round.” ...I don’t know how well modern D&D stats translate back to ye olden ones, but that sounds like a pretty big threat for a low-level party. And even a middling party sounds like they might be liable to be swamped by these shoosh-slapping little grunts. “Subdued creatures cannot be larger than eight feet tall and 500 pounds. Subduing attacks cause only half real damage, but when the points of damage inflicted equal the victim’s total, the creature is rendered unconscious for 3d4 rounds.” And there it is. These are the guys who if you don’t take them out first they’ll slap you into unconsciousness for their fellows to murder at their leisure. Great. “Kuo-toan communities do not generally cooperate, though they have special places of worship in common. These places are usually for intergroup trade, councils, and worship of the Sea Mother, so they are open to all kuo-toa. These religious communities, as well as other settlements, are open to drow and their servants, for the dark elves provide useful goods and services, though the drow are both feared and hated by the kuo-toa. This leads to many minor skirmishes and frequent kidnappings between the peoples.” ...Okay, you can’t just leave it at “useful goods and services”. If the xenophobic hate and fear on both sides is so strong as to erupt into kidnappings and warfare, what is it that the dark elves are bringing to the table that make it worth it to the paranoid-and-hateful-as-hell kuo-toa allow them into their trading spaces? ...Is it spices? Spices are always popular. “The illithids (mind flayers) are greatly hated by the kuo-toa and they and their allies are attacked on sight.” ...Wait, so they hate and fear the drow, and yet still trade with them anyway, but since they hate the illithids, they attack them on sight? Well that’s bizarrely arbitrary. I mean, I know illithids eat brains for sustenance, so maybe they’re a little higher on the threat radar by default, but...? “The ancient kuo-toa once inhabited the shores and islands of the upper world, but as the race of mankind grew more numerous and powerful, these men-fish were slowly driven to remote regions. Continual warfare upon these evil, human-sacrificing creatures threatened to exterminate the species, for a number of powerful beings were aiding mankind, their sworn enemies.” ...So humanity had divine mandate to displace the kuo-toa? That’s...frankly a little bizarre? Like, okay, human sacrifice is bad, alright, but it seems to imply that humans were once unknown or at least a rarity insofar as the surface-dwelling kuo-toa knew, so I’m wondering what the hell they sacrificed before humans came around. Other kuo-toa? Like what aside from “inexplicable inherent bias towards humanity” was the justification of these deities to support them over the kuo-toa? Was the impetus just “all kuo-toa are inescapably, irredeemably evil, to a man?” Or, to paraphrase a joke from one of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, these fish people, by dint of being fish people, are inherently less civilized than non-fish people? “Some kuo-toa sought refuge in sea caverns and secret subterranean waters, and while their fellows were being slghtered, these few prospered and developed new powers to adapt to their lightless habitat." Bio-luminescence? Like, angler fish-esque lures? That sounds interesting! And prosperous, too, you say? “The seas contained other fierce and evil creatures, however, and the deep-dwelling kuo-toa were eventually wiped out, leaving only those in the underworld to carry on, unnoticed and eventually forgotten by mankind.” Oh. ...Well that sucks. “But the remaining kuo-toa have not forgotten mankind, and woe to any who fall into their slimy clutches.” Okay, humanity ruined your surface abodes, to be sure, but at the very least, for equity’s sake, you got to at least put whatever deep-dwelling sea bastards wiped out your angler-cousins right below mankind. Hell, considering how dominant mankind is in 99% of D&D settings, you might even consider taking out whoever nailed your sea brethren first, since they’re almost certainly easier to wipe out than humans. ...Not that I would condone wiping anybody out, though. I’m just saying, as long as you’re jotting down species-wide vendettas. “Now the kuo-toa are haters of sunlight and are almost never encountered on the earth’s surface. This, and their inborn hatred of discipline, prevent the resurgence of these creatures, for they have become numerous once again and acquired new powers.” ...Wait, I was making a joke by quoting Pirates of the Carribbean, what the hell. “Inborn hatred of discipline”, seriousy?! “However, they have also become somewhat unstable, possibly as a result of inbreeding, and insanity is common among the species.” ...Wait, wait, so now you’re saying that any player characters would not be fighting the battered but resolute remnants of an ancient evil empire, but would instead be fighting their cripplingly inbred descendants, most of whom suffer from mental illness? Aside from their nobles, who are listed as having “priest/thief” as their class, and ranging from 10th-14th level depending on where on the aristocratic totem pole they sit, other kuo-toa you’ll find in a given lair include, but are not limited to: “Eight Eyes of the priest leader--6th- to 8th-level priest/thieves One Chief Whip--6th/6th-level fighter/thief Two Whips of 4th/4th or 5th/5th level (see whip description) One Monitor per 20 2nd-level kuo-toa Females equal to 20% of the male population Young (noncombatant) equal to 20% of the total kuo-toa Slaves equal to 50% of the total male population”. So if you’re going into a lair, and assuming you’re tough enough to kill the kuo-toa warriors and free the slaves, because you’re the good guys...what are you going to do with the women and children? I mean, the adult women are obviously still indoctrinated into this culture of hatred, but the children...most of them are presumably at a tender enough age to prevent them from becoming evil slavers, right? Especially considering they might also be suffering from mental illness? Is the party not obliged to ensure these kids have some manner of sustainable, happy life? Do you just leave the children to die? Do you give them to the escaping slaves and tell them to raise them as their own, despite the fact that most of these slaves probably would do nothing but vent their rage against their oppressors upon these miniaturized versions of them? ...I don’t really have an answer, but seriously, if you’re playing them as written here, you’re going to have to deal with the “Oh God, what do I do with all these freshly orphaned fish children” question. “Though kuo-toa prefer a diet of flesh, they also raise fields of kelp and fungi to supplement their food supply. These fields, lit by strange phosphorescent fungi, are tended by slaves, who are also used for food and sacrifices.” So here’s a thought that comes to me yet again: if these slaves are, implicitly, human or at least close (elven, dwarf, halfling, gnome, the usual suspects), why use them as sacrifice material in their religious rituals to their Sea Mother? Like I know we’re not exactly given some comprehensive look at the deepest lore of their religion, at least, not here, like, I get it, but I just don’t understand why the Sea Mother would prefer things that do not come from the sea as her sacrifice of choice. It seems like a little bit of a stretch, to me.

Ecology: Yeah, I know, “How is this article still going?” Like, for using nearly two full pages of this book they seem to say surprisingly little about how their society theoretically operates. Like, if they hate the surface so much, how do they get the slaves who apparently are integral to the regular functions of their society, their religion, even? Do they buy them off drow raiding parties? Despite hating and fearing the drow? Though evidently trust them more than the illithids, whom they hate and fear to the point of not trading with them? It don’t make a lick of sense, if’n you ask me. Anyway. “Not much is known to surface-dwelling sages about this enigmatic, violent, subterranean race, but some of the more astute scholars speculate that the kuo-toa are but one-third of the three-way rivalry that includes mind flayers and drow. It is partially because of this continuing warfare that none of the three races has been able to achieve dominance of the surface world.” ...Yeah, I suppose that hits the nail right on the head, there, doesn’t it.

General:

“Rakasta are a race of intelligent, nomadic, catlike humanoids. They are a proud, barbaric race of warriors who, while not prone to initiating hostilities, quickly respond when provoked.”

First off, it may be a fun drinking game (if you’re of age) to take a shot every time the monster manual uses the term “barbaric” to describe an entire race of people.

On second thought, that would probably cause severe liver damage by the time you get to the letter C. So (cat)scratch that.

With that out of the way, it’s good to see some positive adjectives attributed to the Rakasta. Intelligent makes sense, since their stat block clocks them as Very intelligent, and the fact that they won’t attack unless provoked plays nicely into their Neutral alignment. It makes sense that they would be quick to defend themselves if they’re attacked; they probably deal with tons of bandits and highwaymen on their travels hoping to get at their belongings.

“Rakasta walk upright, much like humans, with an agile, feline grace. They have feline heads and are covered with soft, tawny fur. Most fur coloration ranges from light tan to dark brown.”

Well, I would hope that they’re at least a little agile. But anyone who has owned a cat before knows that the “feline grace” only activates for about 10 minutes a day. After it’s used up, all that’s left are crash landings and getting stuck in places nobody thought they could even get to. Also, only various shades of brown? What about black cats? Siamese? Stripes? Spots? I find it hard to believe the generic tabby cat dominates the Rakasta world.

“Rakasta have catlike eyes, most of which are brilliant green. A Rakasta has a nonprehensile tail 4 to 6 feet long.”

Wait, catlike­? ­You’re telling me a race of anthropomorphic cat people have eyes that are only like a cat’s? How are they similar? How are they different? Does catlike mean they have thin vertical pupils that dilate into larger circles when they’re focused on something? Nowhere does it say they have any form of Darkvision, so that could be what separates them…but not giving them Darkvision seems rather counterproductive.

Nevertheless, a long nonprehensile tail makes perfect sense and I’d be miffed if they didn’t include them. Also, thank the Gods they’re not prehensile. I do not want monkey-cat-people. No thanks.

“Rakasta speak Common and their own language. Some of the more primitive Rakasta speak in a purring voice with many rolled r’s and hissed s’s.”

More…primitive. Great. If we’re considering that a synonym for “barbaric,” then take another shot.

Now, this implies that the standard Rakasta doesn’t speak with a purring voice, rolled r’s and hissed s’s. So, what, they sound like a run-of-the-mill adventurer with a vaguely British accent when speaking Common? I find that hard to believe, especially if their language (which is so conveniently not given a name) does involve rolled r’s and hissed s’s. Also, why the hell is that considered a primitive way of speaking? Dozens of real world languages roll their r’s in a variety of ways, and even English hisses some of its s’s in certain words (the double s at the end of success, for example). But, no. They’re a barbaric race. Their language is primitive. Ugh.

Combat:

“Rakasta are fierce fighters who neither ask for nor give any quarter. Eschewing normal weapons, Rakasta rely on their claws and bites. Since a Rakasta’s claws inflict only 1d2 points of damage, the creatures usually employ special metal war claws called kasas; worn on the paw like a glove, a kasa inflicts 1d4 points of damage on a successful attack.”

Alright, so if you’re dumb enough to attack a peaceful caravan of friendly cat people, you’re going to get ripped to shreds. I like that. They probably deal with expensive artifacts and high amounts of coin on the day-to-day, making them a prime target for the occasional (cat)burglar. And being a race of people who just want to be left alone? No wonder they show no mercy, and the fact that they ask for none in return shows just how badass these cats really are. However, 1d2 damage from a claw attack isn’t going to be dropping any highwaymen anytime soon. Their bark is probably worse than their bite, as it were.

It’s good that they included a way to augment their damage, though. The Kasas are a neat variation on the clawed-glove family of weaponry, and makes perfect sense for a culture that has favored their natural abilities over sword and shield. The jump from 1d2 to 1d4 isn’t much to celebrate, however, and really just adds an exotic curio for the standard adventuring party to loot once they’ve taken the caravan down.

“A Rakasta who strikes with both claws (or both kasas) in the same round can choose to rake with both rear claws. Rear claw attacks are rolled separately and cause 1d3 points of damage on a successful strike.”

Hold on. Rear claw attacks? Are you telling me these cat people can do a Kangaroo Jack-esque kick with their back legs in addition to their front claw attacks? Well that’s badass as all hell. These guys really are nimble fighters.

“Certain Rakasta ride saber-toothed tigers into battle.”

Sweet Jiminy Christmas. [Mod’s Note: The use of domesticated Ice Age fauna is a quick and easy way to immediately gain my interest, as well.]

“These tiger riders, known as the Hatra, are considered the bravest and strongest of the Rakasta warriors, and only they can hold the respect of the saber-toothed tigers. Hatra have 3+1 Hit Dice, a minimum of 15 hit points, and +1 bonus to damage rolls.”

Okay, okay. This is what I like to see. Large and powerful warriors able to tame savage wildcats and mounting them to ride into battle. The Hatra seem like the perfect defense against anyone stupid enough to threaten a pride of Rakasta. Not only do you have to take down the saber-toothed tigers that they ride, but also the warriors that were able to tame the damn things. Which is just another reason why you shouldn’t do that. Seriously, leave these guys alone, for your own sake.

“The Hatra use special saddles that enable them to leap as far as 20 feet from their mounts and still attack in the same round. The saddles allow the Hatra to fight unhindered while mounted, using both hands for attacks yet still maintaining control of their saber-toothed mounts.”

Here’s some of that feline agility we were talking about earlier. So not only can they leap 20 feet towards you, but they can also strike you with their claws as they’re doing so. They incur no penalties while fighting mounted, and they don’t even need to keep one hand on the reigns. With skills like this, no wonder their unarmed claws only do 1d2. Any more and it would be completely impossible for a low-level adventuring party to handle. Which they shouldn’t. Because fighting these guys is a bad idea­.

Habitat/Society:

“The nomadic Rakasta are organized into prides of 6d10 adult Rakasta plus an additional 25% of that number in noncombatant offspring. Each pride also has 1d12 saber-toothed tigers. When not on the move, each Rakasta pride sets up its own temporary settlements, composed of many colorful tens and pavilions.”

So that’s what, a maximum of 60 adults and 15 kittens, but only 12 of the adults would be Hatra?  I guess the Hatra are just so dang powerful and intimidating that they can get away with not having an entire platoon of tiger-riders guarding every pride.

Also, I am always wary whenever there’s a statistic for noncombatant offspring. While on the one hand, it’s much more realistic that families would be travelling together, but on the other hand, it creates the awkward situation of “What do we do with the children now that we’ve just murdered every adult they have ever known or called family?” If the party’s decent folk, they wouldn’t have attacked the damn pride in the first place. That leaves the unsavory party to either slaughter the children in cold blood, leave them to die in the wilderness, or any other horrible act they could think of. Again, not cool. [Mod’s Note: I mean, I guess the party could adopt them? But then again perhaps the people who just got done murdering their parents would not be the best parental replacements for these freshly orphaned kids...]

Moving on, it’s good to see that their lodgings aren’t small tents or pitiable sleeping bags, but actually representative of a thriving and artistic culture. It would almost be like a flea market to the uninitiated adventurer, with dozens of stalls to explore and hopefully find that one special thing that calls out to their coin purse.

“Rakasta possess excellent artisan skills. They typically own many bright rugs and silk tapestries of fine workmanship; artfully crafted bowls and drinking cups, and other items of value. These items are found in place of gems and jewelry in the treasure of a pride of Rakasta.”

So they don’t wear jewelry or gemstones? Interesting. I suppose they deal exclusively in coin and trade, then, which does make some sense. But no gemstones whatsoever? It’s bold choice. Would that imply their culture may not value gems of any kind, and decorating yourself with them is as silly as wearing a necklace made of pebbles you found outside your house?

“Each pride is led by a chief with at least 5+1 Hit Dice, a minimum of 24 hit points, and a +3 bonus to all damage rolls. The chief is always accompanied by six of the best Hatra and their saber-toothed mounts. The chief’s word is law, and is obeyed without question.”

So they have a chiefdom, which does make sense for the whole “pride of lions” sort of theme we’ve got going here. Typically, a chief is appointed via kinship, implying that a pride is either one large extended family, or made up of smaller families that decide upon whose elder holds the position every time a new chief is needed. But, looking at the chief’s statistics, if they’re so dang strong, why do they need 6 Hatra accompanying them? While an elite guard protecting the chief makes sense, that could potentially be half of all of the Hatra travelling with the pride.  It seems that a pride values the wellbeing of its leader over the wellbeing of people, which is…kind of sad. But hey, if they’re a good chief, they’ll order their guards to protect the rest of the pride during a crisis situation.

“Each pride has a Rakasta cleric of 4 Hit Dice who casts spells as a 4th-level priest. More powerful clerics are rumored to exist, as well as Rakasta with wizard abilities, perhaps as high as 7th level.”

Ohh, okay, so now we’re getting into magic. Up until now there’s been no mention of magic users in Rakasta culture, but it seems that a divine caster is present in every pride, no matter how small. Probably serves as the pride’s medical expert, as well as the link between the pride and their hereby still unnamed deities. The fact that more powerful casters are merely rumors implies that they either don’t exist, or the Rakasta don’t want outsiders knowing the upper limits of their magical capabilities. Perhaps they even use this as a tool of control? Keeping their magic users in the shadows so that they can call upon them when the chief needs something to get done…discreetly. Secret magical cat folk hitmen anyone?

“The Hatra, as the finest warriors in a pride, enjoy a special place in Rakasta society. Hatra are held in high honor, since this culture values combat prowess over all else. Rakasta also value their code of conduct, known as the Sri’raka. This code dictates a warrior’s behavior. Among the most noteworthy tenets:”

Good! So it’s been implied up until this point, but now we have confirmation that they’re a strength-based society. To that, it makes perfect sense that the chief is the most physically adept member of the pride, and perhaps hasn’t gained the title through age and wisdom, but instead earned the title themselves through proving their strength to the pride. It’s probably the case that every chief was at one point a Hatra themselves, as it has been stated that they are the strongest members of a pride, strong enough to tame and mount vicious saber-toothed tigers. Also, I’m excited to see what code these brutal tiger-riders hold themselves to.

Let’s take a look!

“No challenge to fight is ever refused.”

Hmm. So once a pride has been attacked, they have no choice but to engage in combat? That makes sense. But does it carry over into internal affairs? Like is someone wanted to challenge the chief for leadership of the pride. Of course, the chief’s word is law, but it’s likely they gained their position by issuing the a similar challenge to the chief before them? By their own rules, they would be forced to battle for the crown. Ultimately, it seems to be a matter of pride. Heh.

“Wounded are never left behind; carry them or kill them.”

Or kill them? Geeze, that’s harsh. I hope they get a say in whether or not they’re carried home or straight up killed. But I guess this is also so they can’t be taken prisoner, which can’t be a good thing in Rakasta society…

“Better to die in battle than in one’s sleep.”

Ah, here we go. That good ol’ “proper death” dealeo. A true warrior would want to go out in the most honorable way possible, which turns out to be struck down in combat. Come to think of it, that’s probably the way any challenge issued against the current chief ends. Either the challenger is killed, showing they weren’t the strongest and therefore didn’t deserve the chiefdom, or the old chief is killed, granting them an honorable death at the hand of the strongest member of the pride. Brutal.

“Give no mercy; never expect it.”

This was mentioned before, and from what we’ve read so far it’s pretty consistent. Go hard, or die trying.

“Retreat is permissible only in order to regroup. A new attack must be launched against the other force within two sunrises.”

Interesting. So this goes back to the 2nd tenet. During a tactical retreat, it may not be possible to gather up any injured, so it’s much easier to strike them down on the way out. At least they have two days to go back in for a second strike, but something tells me that if they weren’t successful the first time around, they’ll probably be just as unlucky on the second assault. [Mod’s Note: I wonder how many chieftains have used “We’re not retreating, we’re ‘advancing in a different direction’” as a face-saving semantic device...]

“Never surrender. Those who would exist as prisoners are not Rakasta.”

Oh wow, I was right! A Rakasta whose been captured is disowned from its entire race…I can’t imagine how bad that would be for the sorry sap who got left behind and wasn’t killed for some reason. They’d probably deal with a major identify crisis and off themselves at the first chance they get. The honorable thing for a dishonored warrior to do is to finish the job themselves. Quite the tragedy.

Well that was a bundle of joy to read about. I don’t imagine the other tenets are any more uplifting.

Ecology:

“The Rakasta make reliable trading partners when attention can be turned from battles. Rakasta are excellent hunters, and they keep the game herds from overpopulating.”

Well that’s not very much information. But I suppose it’s better than nothing…

Again, I’m digging the positive adjectives used to describe these guys. They’re reliable trading partners, which makes plenty of sense, but if they’re non-aggressors, why does their attention have to be turned away from battles in order to trade? I feel like this line is just another reminder that they’re “barbaric” and prone to violence, even if that sentiment was contradicted at the very beginning of their description. Being a society that values strength and merit doesn’t make an entire culture primitive or less-than-civilized. The Romans considered themselves to be the greatest culture to ever exist, and they were some of the most brutal people to ever walk the earth! But they still had literature, art, architecture, complex social ties and reverence for their Gods. I guarantee even the most hot-headed Rakasta is going to value economy over violence.

Also, they’re great hunters. Who would’ve guessed the cat people were good at hunting? But since they’ve eschewed traditional weaponry, do they hunt with their kasas? Do they stalk their prey on all fours and go for a full on sprint, only to strike at its neck and eviscerate its stomach with their back paws?

…that’s intense and makes them even more terrifying to deal with.

Again, who thinks it’s a good idea to fight these guys? At first I felt bad for them, being the under(cat)dog and getting the short end of the stick. But now I just feel sorry for any poor bloke who gets on their bad side.

Related Species:

So there are several subspecies of Rakasta, though they weren’t included in their original publication. Dragon magazine, Issue #247 instead gave a whole exposé about the Rakasta and their complicated culture and relationships among different prides. You can find it floating around the internet somewhere, which will go much more in depth than I’m going to go here. But for the sake of giving the whole picture, I’ll talk about a few noteworthy subspecies here:

Caracasta: Pariahs of Rakasta society, as they have adopted the usage of bows and arrows from the local human populations. As such, they’re looked down on by other Rakasta. They have large ears with black tufts of hair at the tips.

Cloud Pardasta: Arboreal Rakasta with innate magical abilities. They’re covered in leopard like spots and are especially proficient in leaping from treetop to treetop.

Simbasta: Essentially, lion Rakasta. They’re very proud and are the only Rakasta able of becoming Paladins. Also, insert The Lion King joke about Simba here. [Mod’s Note: HAHAHA I TOTALLY WANT LION-PALADIN-PEOPLE IN MY CAMPAIGN SETTING NOW. Even/especially if that would foster an endless amount of Thundercats references.]

Overall:

I feel like the Rakasta suffer from the same thing nearly every beast folk/monstrous humanoid race suffers from: they’re cast in a light that wants to simultaneously make them more like the other core races in terms of culture, but also keep them in the Monster Manual as something to kill and pillage the corpses of. But they’re not as bad as they could’ve been. Their culture is really interesting, albeit at some points contradictory, but I feel like that could be played up. They’re kind enough folk if you want to trade or make friends, but the moment you turn on them they strike you down hard. A culture that values strength is not inherently barbaric, and I wish that could be emphasized by exploring their religion or the significance behind the tapestries that they create. On the plus side, there was no gendered language used when talking about the Hatra or the chief, so that makes me believe that it is a very egalitarian society, which is good! Show me some badass tiger-riding female warriors that, on their down time, weave beautiful blankets and adorn their saddles with culturally significant beadwork.  You can do better in your setting. Give the Rakasta the attention and care that they deserve.

General:

“Thri-kreen are a race of large, intelligent insect often referred to as ‘mantis warriors.’ They roam the deserts and savannah, where they have marked-out hunting territories. They have no need of sleep and can remain active through the day and night.” ...Well, on the one hand, they aren’t hampered by lack of sleep, and on the other, it must mean their caloric intake is ludicrous considering they are constantly active. ...Then again, that’s probably why they’re constantly roaming their various hunting grounds...? “Mature adult thri-kreen are roughly 7 feet tall at the shoulder and 11 feet long.” Well, that’s nothing if not imposing! “Of the six limbs protruding from their midsection, two are used for walking; the other four end in four-fingered hands.” I mean it’s interesting, but I can’t help but think looking at the example thri-kreen presented up top as looking a little unbalanced with how thin and skittery his legs are. Like, four arms is a wonderful gimmick that adds to what they can do? It’s just that from a practical perspective I can’t help but think the thri-kreen would have been best served on an evolutionary level with four legs and two arms. But who am I to judge? “The tough, sandy-yellow exoskeleton is extremely hard. A thri-kreen has two compound eyes, usually black with highlighted eyespots, two antennae, and a complicated jaw structure that manipulates food as the thri-kreen chews. The antennae help the individual to maneuver through brush and grasslands in the darkness (they also reduce any melee combat penalty from darkness or blindness by 1; missile combat is not affected). Thri-kreen often wear harnesses and even some forms of clothing, but they never wear armor.” This is all fairly accurate to regular mantis anatomy (though as I recall, most mantises have some kind of extra simpler eyes in the middle of their head? But I suppose that’s not majorly important), but the thing I question is their refusal to wear armor? Like, is this supposed to be a purely mechanical thing? They’ll later on state that their exoskeleton gives them a natural Armor Class of 5; would wearing actual armor over that be that much of an overkill? Is this supposed to reference how in their native Dark Sun setting, metal armor is among the rarest of artifacts? Because even as a species with a hard, chitinous exoskeleton, I think I would want as much protection as I can afford if I’m a soldier or mercenary of some stripe. Like, the exoskeleton is great and all, but if something gets through that exoskeleton, it’s like you’ve lost armor plating, and have broken a bone, and have exposed your squishy innards in one fell swoop.  “The native thri-kreen language is made up of clicks and the grinding of its jaw appendages. While it is difficult for other creatures to speak this tongue, it is just as difficult for a thri-kreen to imitate more standard speech patterns. Thri-kreen speak their own language, but some understand the Common tongue.” Inevitably leading to Chewbacca-and-Han-Solo-esque bilingual dialogues as the one guy in the party who understands thri-kreen talks to their one guy who understands Common.  Unless somebody has some kind of enchanted doodad to allow thri-kreen to speak Common unhindered, assuming they know it. Such are the luxuries of a fantastical setting, eh? “Three-kreen seldom live more than 35 years.” Oh. Ohhhh. Ohhhhhhhhh... It’s a real good thing they don’t need sleep, then. Really have to maximize their time, while they still have it.

Combat: “A thri-kreen’s chitinous exoskeleton gives it AC 5 naturally. Unarmed, it can attack with four claws and one bite attack per round.” No offense, but lacking the natural blades of regular mantids, those arms look rather willowy, and trying to use them for mere fisticuffs seems a waste. And while those mouthparts look sharp, I don’t generally think of mantises when I think of “vicious bites”.  “If using a weapon, the thri-kreen can attack with its weapon and bite.” See, now that’s more like it. And judging by the illustration, it would appear they very well might be able to quadruple-wield! ...Though considering the various penalties that would involve, perhaps it would be best to just wield a two-handed weapon with four hands. Hell, perhaps some bonuses for that could come into play, I don’t know. I mean, you’re using more hands than is necessary, thereby giving your blows more force, and--ah, never mind. Bit of a longwinded tangent. “Thri-kreen also learn special combat maneuvers as they grow older, learning all by the time they are mature adults.” Oh! This is different! Do tell! “Leap: This ability allows a thri-kreen to leap 20 feet straight up or up to 50 feet forward. They cannot leap backward.” Criminy! That’s...really rather impressive. I mean I suppose great leaping is more of a grasshopper, cricket, or flea-associated ability, more than with mantises, but...I don’t know, it seems like a rather clever reference to whenever one is trying to compare the jumping ability of any of those insects to a human scale? ...Though I must say I’m a tad puzzled at this being a learned combat maneuver, and not merely a natural jumping ability, merely being applied to combat scenarios... “Chatkcha: This is a crystalline throwing wedge. A thri-kreen can throw two chatkcha per round, up to 90 yards. A chatkcha causes 1d6+2 damage when it hits, and returns to the thrower when it misses.” ...Boomerangs? ...Well, okay then. I like boomerangs. Boomerangs are neat. Don’t know why the tri-kreen in particular have boomerangs, but I’m not complaining. :V “Venom: This venom is delivered through an older thri-kreen’s bite. Anyone bitten must make a successful saving throw vs. paralyzation or be paralyzed. Smaller than man-sized creatures are paralyzed for 2d10 rounds, man-sized for 2d8 rounds, large creatures for 1d8 rounds, and huge and gargantuan creatures for only one round.” I...wait, what? Venom? The mantis-men have venom? I could understand driders, being spider people, or naga or yuan-ti, being snake people, having venom, but...the mantis-men? That doesn’t follow. I mean, of course I don’t think any sapient fantastical species mostly based on one creature needs to stick to the abilities of the animal, but the additions should at least make sense. ...Also, that sounds like a great way to make a group of thri-kreen a pretty huge threat. If someone’s unlucky they’re out for 16 rounds, 20 if they’re a dwarf or halfling. “Dodge missiles: A mature thri-kreen can dodge missile fired at it on a roll of 9 or better on 1d20; they cannot dodge magical effects, only physical missiles. Magical physical missiles (arrows, thrown axes, etc.) modify this roll by their magical bonus.” Oh! Bullet time! Neat! And unlike the venom thing, this actually makes some sense, on account of how zippy a striking mantis is. Also, that’s literally bullet time if you have guns in your campaign setting. What’s more, since it’s dependent on the thri-kreen’s roll, it doesn’t even matter if the archer or gunslinger are really good (unless it’s a natural 20, I think, which will always hit? but I don’t know how you’d work that out), it’s all dependent on wether or not the DM rolls well on those dodge rolls. And on a 9 or higher, the odds are in the thri-kreen’s favor.  Color me impressed. Don’t piss off the mantis-men, especially if your party mostly consists of ranged folks.  “Psionics: Some thri-kreen have psionic wild talents. There is a 50% chance that any thri-kreen will have a psionic wild talent, described in the Complete Psionics Handbook.” Oh right, that’s a big thing in Dark Sun, isn’t it? The proliferation of psionic powers? Hell, the description’s kind of underplaying it by saying “some” thri-kreen have psionic powers if a full 50% have them. A few bad coin flips and the party is being tossed about by a group of angry insectoid Jean Greys (Jeans Grey? ...Grey Jeans?). “Magical Items: Thri-kreen can use most magical items, though those designed for humanoid creatures cannot be worn properly, so will not function for a thri-kreen.” ...I mean that makes sense, but that’s a little vague. Like surely magical weapons work the same, it’s not like they don’t have hands. Not to mention magical rings, necklaces, bracelets, hell, even like a tiara or crown or circlet or something if situated properly around those antennae. You’d definitely have to make some alterations to, say, a magical chain shirt, or something, to give it the proper arm spacing. Not to mention the four arm holes. But such a carte-blanche “it don’t work” doesn’t seem terribly reasonable. It’s not like they’re weird blob things, they have arms, legs, a head...most of the general stuff should still work alright, in my limited estimation.

Habitat/Society: “Thri-kreen organize into hunting packs; there are no permanent thri-kreen communities.” Tch, pity, really. I mean, it seems mostly a measure to ensure you can justify a thri-kreen random encounter. “Uh, they were just...out here. Hunting. Yeah. Now fight them, take their stuff.” Unless of course you use your random encounter table for things that aren’t just for random murder opportunities for your party.

Ecology: “Thri-kreen are carnivores. They seldom hunt other intelligent creatures for food, but will do so in times of need.” Well, better than the lizard men, who explicitly prefer the taste of human flesh. I prefer Donner Party behavior to eating people when there are perfectly serviceable non-sapient animals and plants to choose from available already. “Mantis warriors have a well-known taste for elves, which keeps both races at an uneasy peace at best.” ...Wait, what?! You just said they seldom hunt other intelligent creatures for food, now you’re saying they have a taste for elves?! ...I mean, granted, the word “seldom” implies a non-zero number of intelligent creature hunts in non-starvation conditions, but still, that seems like a contradiction, to me. 

Related Species: “The tohr-kreen, or mantis nobles, are larger, more cultured versions of thri-kreen. Though many of them wander their world to gain knowledge, they sometimes build cities as well. They regard thri-kreen as somewhat barbaric cousins, though there have been incidences of a tohr-kreen creating a permanent settlement of thri-kreen, or teaching a pack more civilized ways.” ...Okay, well, first of all, “more civilized ways” are in the eye of the beholder. Second of all, they earlier mentioned that thri-kreen do not create permanent settlements. Yet, the tohr-kreen do? I suppose I’m not really convinced that these tohr-kreen are actually a distinct species so much as a ruling class/caste of the same species. The “larger” thing, which would appear to be the only explicit physical difference between tohr- and thri-kreen, could easily just be the fact that noblemen of cultures the world over and throughout history have been better fed than the peasants, allowing them to grow larger instead of having their growth stunted through malnutrition. “The xixchil are spacefaring mantis. These creatures are skilled surgeons and artificers, who enjoy replacing lost limbs with ‘more efficient’ substitutes.” Ooh! Spelljammer shit, sounds like! I love me some sci-fi-fantasy crossover! I mean, they’re really undeveloped, but “skilled surgeons and artificers with a taste for cybernetic enhancement” is almost deeper characterization already than the rather vague and generic “HUNTING CULTURE” that appears to define basic thri-kreen.

Habitat/Society “The chief purpose of rats is to find Mayan Treasure.  Packs often burrow into hamburger joints to get into the treasure in the back room. Rats nest almost anywhere, chewing cloth, paper, or police cars to make a nest.” Something…doesn’t seem…right…um…

Brush Rats: “They are attracted to small, shiny objects and sometimes steal them and carry them to their getaway car, but are often foiled by the valiant cat police. Sometimes instead of stealing treasure, they’ll steal toothbrushes instead. Pack rats are herbivores and will not attack humans, except to steal the chest they’re stealing.” I’m I have no idea what’s going on

Giant Rats: Rodents of unusual size? I don’t think they exist. “These vile beasts plague underground areas such as crypts and toilets, in which they often get stuck. Their burrows honeycomb many graveyards, where they cheat ghouls of their prizes by playing with weighted dice, the cads.” I mean that makes sense. Giant Rats are pretty shrewd at gamesmanship. “Giant Rats avoid attacking strong parties by sending out their host of smaller rats, because the Giant Rat is the Giant Rat that makes all of the rules. When a Giant Rat dies, a regular rat immediately quintuples in size to become the new Giant Rat. Giant Rats are generally partial to the popular Disney animated film, Frozen, often rating it as ‘favoritest movie’. Giant rats are fearful of the cat police, except when emboldened by the promise of massive profits from a film franchise.” Say who, dungeonbabbler?

Osquip: “The osquip is a multi-legged rodent the size of a small dog.” OH JESUS

LOOK AT ITS EYES

EYES OF PURE RAGE

General: Some things to consider: they’re Lawful Neutral, and their societal organization is listed as “Platoon”. So I guess everybody, men, women, and children, are all soldiering from day one. “The giff are a race of powerfully muscled mercenaries. They are civilized, though they lack mages among their own race.” Because magic, as we all know, is an automatic marker of civilization. Never mind that half the stock villains in generic fantasy settings are evil sorcerers from a tower they stole from Saruman. “Giff hire on with various groups throughout the universe as mercenaries, bodyguards, enforcers, and general legbreakers.” He seems like the kind of guy you want manning the door at your fancy nightclub, right? I’d hire him. “The giff is humanoid, with stocky, flat, cylindrical legs and a humanoid torso, arms, and fingers. Its chest is broad and supports a hippopotamus head with a natural helmet of flexible, chitinous plates. Giff come in colors ranging from black to gray to a rich gold, and many have colorful tattoos that leave their bodies a patchwork record of past victories.” I’m having trouble picturing a “rich gold” hippo… Probably because while I know they don’t mean it, my mind jumps to a hippo that’s literally like, gilded.  As for tattoos, I’m getting the distinct idea of like, tally marks, rank insignia, or regimental designs. “Giff speak their own language and the Common tongue.” Of course, I think it’d be funny if Giff turned out to mostly be a dialect of Common, but with so much military slang and jargon as to make it bafflingly incomprehensible to outside listeners. Hell, it might be fun if every platoon of Giff had its own distinct dialect, reflective of that platoon’s own slang derived from their experiences on the job, or whatnot.

Combat: “The giff are military-minded, and organize themselves into squads, platoons, companies, corps, and larger groups. The number of giff in a platoon varies according to the season, situation, and level of danger involved. A giff ‘platoon’ hired to protect a gambling operation may number two, while a platoon hired to invade an illithid stronghold may number well over a hundred.” Which is…a tad odd, since according to Wikipedia, a platoon consists of around 15-30 individuals, whereas a squad or a fireteam would be a term more fitting for a two person military group, whereas a company would be more fitting to a military group numbering over a hundred. But that’s a matter of mere vocabulary, no? Also, if you’re in Fantasy Vegas, and you see the local casino’s floor men are giff, maybe don’t try and be some sort of card shark, if you want to come away with usable hands. “The giff pride themselves on their weapon skills, and any giff carries a number of swords, daggers, maces, and similar tools on hand to deal with troublemakers.” I’ll bet muggings aren’t big problems in giff-populated cities, once the fifth mugger in a row gets shanked by his would-be target. Although considering the sheer size of these guys, I get the feeling anybody who’d even attempt a mugging on a giff ain’t exactly the brightest bulb to begin with. “A giff’s true love in weaponry is the gun. Any giff has a 20% chance of having an arquebus and sufficient smoke powder for 2d4 shots. A misfiring weapon matters little to the giff (occasional fatalities are expected), the flash noise, and damage is what most impresses them.” Ooh! Hell, that makes the giff perfect to import into like, a D20 Modern setting, or something. Like they’re scary enough being one of the few peoples to use firearms in the basic D&D sword and sorcery settings, but let them go buck wild with modern automatic and semi-automatic weaponry, that would just be a thing of pure beauty, I tell you what. “Even unarmed, the giff are powerful opponents. They are as strong as a hill giant (+7 damage adjustment for Strength).” WHOA! “Powerful opponents”, nothing, they’re as strong as something nearly twice their size! To hell with the guns, don’t you dare challenge these guys to fisticuffs, or they’ll turn your head into a pink mist with their damn bare hands! “They will wade into a brawl just for the pure fun of it, tossing various combatants on both sides around to prove themselves the victors. Once a weapon is bared, the giff consider all restrictions off--the challenge is to the death.” Okay, scratch that; only challenge a giff to a bare knuckles brawl, because at least then they’re just having fun with you; they’re not trying to murder you outright. But again, woe betide the idiot who tries mugging a giff; they’ll wave a switchblade in their face, and then have their knife met with a blunderbuss the size of their torso. “The giff prize themselves as mercenaries, and to that end have made elaborate suits of armor (AC 2). These include full helms with other monsters on the crests, inlaid with ivory and bone along the large plates. Armor repair is a major hobby among the giff.” Well, our pictorial representative up there is dressed less like a fully armored mercenary and more like a British colonialist, but oh well. Also I take umbrage at their phrasing, “other monsters on the crests”. Although, this does mean that the book can’t try and say that the giff have no artistry; obviously, they just pour their creative pursuits into a more militaristic direction. I’d like to think that each suit of armor is almost like a giff’s personal combat record, intricately carved with various battle scenes and notable enemies slain in glorious combat. “Finally, giff are somewhat magic resistant. They are deeply suspicious of magic, magicians, and magic devices.” Damn. These guys are the perfect super soldiers. If you’re looking for hirelings, consider the giff, if they’re available. I mean, there are some caveats, and we’re getting to those, but they have natural armor, natural magic resistance, fight in plate armor with firearms, are superhumanly strong; they’re the whole package, insofar as soldiering is concerned.

Habitat/Society: “Giff of both sexes serve in their platoons, and both fight equally well.” If anthropomorphic hippopotamus people can have perfect gender equality, I have no idea why humanity can’t. Hop to it, people! “Giff young are raised tenderly until they are old enough to survive an exploding arquebus, then are inducted fully into the platoon. Every giff, male, female, and giffling, has a rank within society, which can be changed only by someone of a higher rank.” So, literally their society is built around the chain of command of a modern military? …I mean, I’ve seen way less functional things to base a society on, here. Like banditry. Or cannibalism. I mean, they’re already more functional than, say, Klingons, in that working your way up the chain of command is less “MURDER YOUR SUPERIOR TO PROVE YOUR SUPERIORITY OVER HIM!” and more “You’ve been promoted from Corporal to Sergeant, Sergeant! Enjoy your increased pay!” I guess I’m mostly puzzled as to what happens when the commander-in-chief dies… “Within these ranks are sub-ranks and within those sub-ranks are color markings and badges. The highest-ranking giff gives the orders, the others obey. It does not matter if the orders are foolish or even suicidal--following them is the purpose of the giff in the universe. A quasi-mystical faith among the giff mercenaries confirms that all things have their place, and the giff’s is to follow orders.” That is…uncomfortably close to fascism, but okay. “Giff mercenaries are usually paid in smoke powder, though they often will accept other weapons and armor. It is purely a barter system, but to hire one giff for one standard week requires seven charges of smoke powder (one per day).” Well, that certainly complicates things if you want to hire a giff expeditionary force to help you invade the Big Bad Evil Wizard Tower. That would quickly become a whole lot of smoke powder. But I mean, if all they require of you is smoke powder, while they provide their own armor, weapons, food, etc. it might be cheaper than hiring normal mercs, with exponentially more effectiveness, I would imagine. “Giff are fierce fighters, despite their somewhat comical appearance and mania for weapons. They will not, however, willingly fight other giff. If forced into such a situation on a battlefield, both groups retire for at least a day of drinking and sorting out ranks. There is a 10% chance that one platoon will join another in this case, but it is more likely that both will quit their current hiring and look for work elsewhere.” This is actually a pretty clever historical reference, I believe, to the Swiss mercenaries of old, who would refuse to fight other Swiss mercenaries. Of course this complicates my advocacy for hiring giff mercenaries; it means now you must make sure that the bad guy hasn’t hired these wonderful little hippos himself, and if he has, at the very least make sure the giff heading your merc platoon would outrank the bad guy’s platoon leader, on the off chance they decide to form one conglomerated platoon. Hell, you might even weaponize this: finding out the local crime boss hires out a big giff platoon, and then you hire one of your own, and once they meet face to face, they’ll decide to hell with this and skip town, leaving the crime boss without his goon squad. 

Ecology: “Giff live about 70 years, but do not age gracefully. As a giff grows older and begins to slow down, he is possessed with the idea of proving himself still young and vital, usually in battle. As a result, there are very, very few old giff.” That’s…really sad, actually? Like, in a “no, grandpa, you really don’t need to do this” sort of way. Like that could almost be a fun little side quest, to try and make some elderly giff fellow realize that he doesn’t need to kill himself to do his bit on the battlefield, that his tactical knowledge is what is most valuable at his age.

General: Something to note is that in the stat block lizard men are listed as Neutral, not any kind of Evil. So basically, the lizard men just want to be left alone; if your party is being attacked by lizard men, chances are you had it coming because you’re invading their sovereign ground, having ignored the obvious warning signs and totems likely littered all around on the river banks or edges of the marsh. So it should be kind of, you know, wrong to slaughter villages of lizard men en masse without feeling any kind of remorse, right? Like, if you trespassed into an elven forest, and you were confronted and apprehended by an elven forest ranger patrol, you’d talk it out, right, because this is, after all, sovereign elven territory and you should have asked permission to transverse it, right? So why shouldn’t the same apply to lizardfolk? Just saying. Anyways, “Lizard men are savage, semi-aquatic, reptilian humanoids that live through scavenging, raiding, and, in less hostile areas, by fishing and gathering.” And here we have yet another entirely-unsustainable-in-any-realistic-setting-that-bothered-to-think-about-it society, somewhat mitigated by the fact that they do admit to lizard men peaceably fishing and gathering instead, when they can. “Males are nearly impossible to distinguish from females without close inspection.” Finally an aversion of a certain popular fantasy trope. Better brush up on the often subtle indicators of reptilian sexual dimorphism, fellas! (Which could be anything from size, to coloration, to certain specific sexual indicators, such as horns or a dewlap, depending on what kind of reptile we’re talking about, here.) “Lizard man garb is limited to strings of bones and other barbaric ornament.” That’s a rather needlessly dismissive tone to take. No consideration as to any possible symbolic merit the bones could possess? Just going to call them “barbaric” and call it a day? Alright then. “Lizard men speak their own language.” And since they don’t have a percentile chance to know Common, I’d advise you to learn their language so you can settle things like rational beings, and not fall into a painfully played out “gibbering savages roasting our civilized protagonists over a spit” scene.

Combat: “In combat, lizard men fight as unorganized individuals. If they have equality or an advantage over their opponents, they tend toward frontal assaults and massed rushes. When outnumbered, overmatched, or on their home ground, however, they become wily and ferocious opponents.” Again, playing into “uncivilized savages” archetypes straight out of some pulp magazine from the 30s.  “While individually savage in melee, lizard men tend to be distracted by food (such as slain opponents) and by simple treasures, which may allow some of their quarry to escape. They occasionally take prisoners as slaves, for food, or to sacrifice in obscure tribal rites.” Look, anything that would come across as offensive if it described a human culture isn’t automatically made non-problematic when it’s applied to nonhumans, especially if they functionally fill the same niche as “racist conception of Mesoamerican cultures”, since these lizard men are being described as ersatz-Aztecs, or maybe ersatz-generic-African-tribes-as-portrayed-by-Hollywood-in-1932. Like the “cannibal tribe” archetype is no less offensive, really, if all you’re doing is changing the species of the tribe. Hell, it could be interpreted as even more offensive because now you’ve made these tribal groups quite literally inhuman. 

Habitat/Society: “Lizard men are typically found in swamps, marshes, and similar places, often (35%) dwelling totally underwater in air-filled caves.” That’s…really cool, actually. Underwater air-filled caves? I like that. I’m gonna use that. “A tribe rarely numbers more than 150 individuals, including females and hatchlings. It is not uncommon for several tribes in an area to forge an informal alliance against outsiders, including other lizard man tribes.” This is good. This is how proper nation-states are first formed. If they find true cohesion, then they can legitimately press their claims of sovereignty and just fine the damned-fool human travelers for illegally trespassing on sovereign land. Instead of, you know, eating them. “Lizard men are omnivorous, but are likely to prefer human flesh to other foods.” UGGGGGGH CASE IN FUCKING POINT “In this regard they have been known to ambush humans, gather up the corpses and capture the survivors, and take the lot back to their lair for a rude and horrid feast.” Look, alright, I know it’s not *technically* cannibalism since they’re a different species, but in a fantasy setting eating the flesh of any sapient species is similar enough to fall under that heading, so again, it’s just another lazy example of “cannibalism to easily paint a species as evil”.

Ecology: “Lizard men have few natural enemies. They prey on human, demihuman, or humanoid settlements if these are nearby.” Okay, well, in that case, WHY ARE THEY LISTED AS “NEUTRAL” IF THEY OPENLY PREY UPON NEIGHBORING COMMUNITIES FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN THAT THEY CAN? A “Neutral” species shouldn’t be killing and eating their neighbors! Nor should they be spreading peace and good cheer! That’s why they’re Neutral! They’re neither Good nor Evil, they just look out for their own!! So stop with this insanely aggressive characterization! You’re making the whole alignment system mean NOTHING! “Lizard man eggs are bitter and inedible, as is their flesh, but their skin is sometimes worked as scale armor (Armor Class 6). Lizard men produce no art, artifacts, or trade goods.” WHAT THE FUCK OKAY LOOK. Because APPARENTLY I need to explain this: If it isn’t okay for lizard men to eat humans or other sapients, if doing that is an Evil act, then it is EQUALLY ABOMINABLE TO EAT OR SKIN LIZARD MEN FOR FOOD OR LEATHER. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Like, if you eat lizard man eggs? You’re literally eating BABIES! Lizard man babies, but those are no less babies! They are the children of thinking beings, so they’re babies, and eating them is as fucking evil as Evil gets! And skinning lizard men for their leather is something out of fucking Silence of the Lambs, oh my God! And AGAIN, trying to make it seem like it’s “okay” to slay lizard men because they “don’t produce art or trade goods” is something out of a fucking Manifest Destiny screed.  AND, it’s totally hypocritical, since their garb is described as “strings of bones and other barbaric ornament”, which, while primitive, IS A FORM OF ART. I mean, I seriously doubt they would string bones together and wear them willy nilly and without reason, meaning that they are art! So fuck off, Monstrous Manual!

Advanced Lizard Men: “About 1 tribe in 10 has evolved to a higher state.” That’s not how evolution works. There is no inherently “higher” state, evolution just has a species adapt to what is most beneficial for the environment in which the species resides. There aren’t “levels” of “how evolved” something is. “These lizard men dwell in crude huts, use shields (thus Armor Class 4) and hurl barbed darts (30 yard range, 1-4 points of damage) or javelins (1-6 points of damage) before closing with the enemy. These lizard men use clubs (treat as morning stars, 2-8 points damage), and the leaders may use captured swords or other weaponry. The chance of these advanced lizard men having a lizard king is doubled, i.e., 20% cumulative chance per tribe.” Because Heaven forbid the “advanced” lizard men be anything more than yet another pastiche of “primitive tribals”. Hrmph.

Lizard King: While the lizard men are, as I’ve said, listed as Neutral, Lizard Kings are listed as Chaotic Evil. I’m not sure how much worse you can get than the “pillage murder and eat” lifestyle of the so-called “Neutral” lizard men, but let’s find out. “A lizard king is a lizard man of above average height and intelligence, leading one or more loosely organized tribes of lizard men.” Ah, so they’re the cream of the lizard man crop? The best the lizard men can offer? Surely, then, they are great and just leaders of men, governing with a steady, even hand. “The lizard king is most often armed with a great trident, which it wields with great skill and ferocity. In the hands of the lizard king, the weapon inflicts 5-20 (3d6+2) points of damage. If the attack roll is 5 or more greater than the score needed to hit, the lizard king inflicts double damage (with a minimum of 15 points).” Or, he’s your swamp campaign’s end boss. Typical. “A lizard king usually demands two humans each week. If no humans are available, demihumans and other humanoids will be sought. If none are available, two of the lizard king’s bodyguards will be killed and eaten instead.” That’s an entirely unsustainable way of life. Especially if this lizard king arises in a purely lizard-man controlled area, and assuming he’s in charge of only one lizard man tribe, which as the book says, is at most around 150 individuals, that means that within a year he’ll have eaten all his subordinates. OR, IF THEY’RE NOT FUCKING STUPID, THEY’LL HAVE DEPOSED THIS SELF-DESTRUCTIVE MOTHERFUCKER. Criminy…

General: “Treants are strangely related to both humans and trees, combining features of both species.” …Do I want to question the mechanics of this? Is…is it magic? Please let it be magic. “Peaceful by nature, treants can cause great damage when roused to anger. They hate evil things and the unrestrained use of fire.” How do they judge somebody as “evil”? Usually you need to spend time observing somebody before you can confidently categorize them as evil. “Treants are almost indistinguishable from trees. Their skin is a thick, textured brown bark. Their arms are gnarled like branches and their legs fit together when standing like the trunk of a tree. Above the eyes and along the head are dozens of smaller branches from which hang great leaves. In winter the leaves of a treant change color but rarely fall out.” Which means that treants should be very easy to pick out in the dead of winter, provided the surrounding trees are deciduous, and people know that treants rarely lose their leaves in winter. “Treants are very intelligent and often speak a number of languages including their own, elf, dwarf, common, and a smattering of just about all other humanoid tongues (at least enough to say ‘Get out of my trees!’)” Point being: If you’re dicking around in the woods, and you hear a rumbling voice say, “Get out of my trees!”, either get out of the damned trees, or prepare for a major ass-kicking.

Combat: “Due to their tough, barklike skin, treants have a superior Armor Class rating against almost all weapons. Their only weakness is fire. Any fire-based attack against a treant is at +4 to hit and +1 damage. In addition, treants save against all fire-based attacks at -4. This weakness to fire also applies to animated trees controlled by a treant.” Oh. It’d be one thing for it to be a Pokemon-esque “super effective” situation, but the wording implies that treants are actually more flammable than regular trees. Like you could put out your cigar on a tree no problem (so long as there aren’t a lot of dry leaves on the ground to be ignited by the ashes, mind you), but if you put out a cigar on a treant, the guy is going to burst into flames, no question. “Treants have the ability to animate normal trees. One treant can animate up to two trees. It takes one round for a normal tree to uproot itself.” Let’s just hope that animated normal trees don’t have the ability to animate other normal trees themselves, because then you would quickly have a “Magician’s Apprentice” situation going on, there. “Treants (regardless of size) and treant-controlled can inflict structural damage when attacking a building or fortification.” And the lesson to be learned is: IF YOU PISS OFF THE TREES, THERE SHALL BE NOWHERE TO HIDE.

Habitat/Society: “Treants live in small communities, usually amidst old hardwood forests (oak, maple, mahogany, etc.). In the forests treants rarely reveal themselves, preferring not to interact with the more transient lifeforms (anything with a lifespan of 500 years or less).” Well that’s age discrimination of the highest caliber. Like 500 is older than even most dwarves will make it, so you’re pretty much limiting yourselves to talking with elves for the rest of time, guys. Hell, this is probably why the non-elves are so industrious and willing to infringe on your forests, because you only ever bother to talk to the elves. Like you could probably head off or at least mitigate any major deforestation initiative by talking it out. Just because neither we, nor the dwarves, nor the orcs live as long as you doesn’t mean that we lack the ability to reason. I know you’re kind of inheriting the sort of slowness to react and engage outsiders from Tolkien’s ents, but you could really stand to be a bit more proactive if you actually care about the trees so much. I mean, you’re supposed to be like much more intimidating Loraxes, but you can only really speak for the trees when you, you know, bother to actually speak with people. “Humans and demihumans have only a slight chance of spotting a treant who is trying to blend in with the trees. Rangers have a fair chance of spotting a treant (10% per level).” Which means that any ranger 5th level or above has a pretty good chance of seeing right through the treants’ whole “don’t mind us completely normal trees with strangely human features” schtick. That could probably lead to some awkward comedy as the ranger is desperately trying to convince the rest of the party that there’s a treant standing right in front of them, while the treant plays possum the whole time. “Treants are intolerant of evil, particularly when fire and the wanton destruction of trees is involved. They hate orcs and goblins with a passion and tend to be suspicious of anyone carrying an ax.” Wow. The only way these two sentences are connected in any way is if you just immediately assume that orcs and goblins are inherently evil and given to fire and wasteful tree use. In any case where orcs and goblins aren’t species with an unworkable and unsustainable civilization based entirely on thievery, conquest, and chaos, this becomes just outright racism. If your party’s skirting anywhere near a known treant forest, any half-orcs in the group best cover up, just to be safe. And God help you if you’re so progressive as to have *gasp* actual orcs or goblins in the party. They should have known better than to be born an orc or goblin, obviously! Add on that suspicion of ax-wielders, and your stereotypical half-orc barbarian is gonna be the victim of a treant hate crime. “Treants have no use for treasure, and usually place all such items somewhere out of sight, such as under a rock.” …If they have no use for it, then why do they stash it? Why not just dump it at the edge of the forest? And how do your typical treasure items, like gold, jewels, the odd weapon, just “wind up” in the forest for the treants to store? Unless… Oh God, the treants are sitting on piles of orcish gold. The bodies are probably buried under the next rock over. “Occasionally a treant can be convinced to give up his treasure but only when some great good will be accomplished by this generosity.” Again: why?? Why do they hold onto what is, in their eyes, basically garbage cluttering up their forest? Why not just immediately dump it off on the first people who express an interest in it? Quid pro quo, guys, come on!

Ecology: “Treants, like all trees, gain sustenance via photosynthesis. Treants often sleep for long periods of time (anywhere from a few days to several years) during which short roots grow into the ground beneath them gathering water and minerals from the soil. Reproduction is via off-shoot stalks which the female treants then protect and care for until the stalks are grown.” …But, wait, what was described sounded like it was pretty much asexual reproduction. So why do they have females, or separate sexes, at all? I mean, sure, trees (or at least, flowers) have sexes, of a sort (I am…not a botanist…), but if treants don’t grow from flowers or cones, then why have “males” or “females” at all? Do the female treants just identify as female despite being sexless, like Steven Universe’s Gems? And if so, why assign them the stereotypical gender role of motherhood despite there being no actual reason for child-rearing in treants to be connected with a specific gender identity? Is this where the oblique reference to them being “related to both humans and trees” comes into play? Were the first treants transformed human druids, or something?? The mind boggles! “The lifespan of a treant is not known, but is several thousand years at least. As they grow older, treants become slower and less agile, sleeping for longer periods and talking less of things that are and more of things that were. Eventually an old treant will not wake up, taking permanent root in the spot where he sleeps and living out the rest of his life as a normal tree.” …Treant dementia? That’s…really sad, actually, oof...