All Was Well.

I used to think that I was writing so much because I didn't feel comfortable talking to people about whatever little thing that's bothering me and I thought after finding my significant other that I won't need writing anymore because I can tell him everything. And I do that and very grateful to be in a loving supporting relationship.

But sometimes it gets hard to explain what's on my mind and it's harder when I feel weak. I try to be strong i really do but on some days or some situations, no matter what that situation is whether its serious or absolutely ridiculous, I just lose all kinds of sense and grip on reality.

I hate this weakness, its scary and make me doubt myself alot.

I don't know what I'm saying anymore but I hope writing this helps me to finally calm down and get some sleep, it's past 3 am and I have to be awake in like 2 hours.. My face is gonna be a mess in the morning because I cried so much. I haven't cried in a while so when I did get to cry I cried alot for alot of things and it helped alittle..

How can I keep going when I constantly wish that we're back in lockdown so I don't have to face everything alone most of the time..

I don't know what's wrong with me but everything feels too much.. Its too heavy and I'm trying.. Really Freaking trying my best but I keep breaking down and I keep feeling horrible and selfish for not being strong enough.. For being demanding and dramatic.. For simply asking for time and attention.

What if by not being strong enough I'm pushing people away..

Because who'd want to be with someone so weak..

I'm constantly thinking about his essentials

His needs

His development

How to move on from things as he grows

What to buy and what not to buy

What to feed

Screen time

Play time

Where to go and experience new things

Managing time and get to bed on time for nursery

..... It never ends..

It's the constant thinking and not forgetting that I have a life of my own and other people that affect my mood and feelings.

Not to mention my own struggles about body image and absolutely feeling disgusted with myself

I'll keep riding the wave.

I'll just keep swimming.

Things will get better.

I've been doing good trying to live day by day with love and whatever sanity I can gather after putting my child to sleep.

But that's getting harder these days and I don't know why.. So here i am returning to writing in hopes this helps a little.

Lately I keep finding myself with this lonely depressed feeling and its so damn scary. I thought my depression days are long over. But how silly of me..

I used to believe that we'll always find a middle ground, a solution or some sort, with both sides sacrificing just the right amount and find balance in things to make each other happy. I had the firm belief that we'll share everything in our lives. Everything.

I used to believe that I'll find the right words and be heard but it seems that I'm not able to do that lately. I'm suppressing so much. SO MUCH. Because I care and love so much.

So I'm guessing that all I need to do is ride this horrible wave and hope that somehow I'll reach a peaceful place again.

..

My writing skills have gone down hill, not that they were aby great but I miss writing and I guess I forgot how to write.

What I didn't expect is receiving that safety and home feeling back from my baby.

I was so drowned in istagram, before going to sleep, looking at how the world is rallying with the Palestinian cause and my heart was so heavy praying for them then my baby woke up.

Its like he knew and woke up just to give me a chance to hold him in my arms, a wave of calmness and relief washed over me that was so beautiful and calming and I don't think there's enough words to try and describe how it felt.

It's weird how even though I'm off work right now but ever since I had my baby it's one exhausting day after the other. Doesn't mean I'm not loving and enjoying how amazing my days are with my baby but I just wish I can go to a resort with private pool and have relaxing time with massages and swimming lazily and have lovely strolls on the beach and sleep and wake up whenever I feel like waking up!!

What's funny is that my mom and sister keep begging me to let my baby sleep over with them but I just can't do it, not while he still nurses at night and wake up crying almost every night.

I've been reading the ballad of songbirds and snakes and it's wonderful and that led me to re-watch the hunger games.

Now I don't know why but I have this feeling in my stomach, its abit unpleasant. Maybe it's the movies and their gloomyness washing over me. This feeling brought all sort of thoughts that are keeping me from sleep, I want life to be normal again. I want to go out and forget about something called a mask, I want to have the time to go and get my baby his first haircut but no I can't because of damn curfew and I'm abit scared.. I want to ask my friend to come with me on a walk without being afraid of her.. I want to hug my friends.. I want my friend to have a wedding but she can't and that makes me sad..

Damn you covid. Go away you've caused enough pain.

I wanted to see my grandma one last time.. But I was pregnant and they didn't let me go visit her at the hospital, I remember the last thing I said to her over the phone "once you get out of the hospital me and my bump will visit you" and she laughed, I miss her so much, she never got to see my baby and it breaks my heart. But as I keep reminding myself, she's resting now and it's not fair to expect them to stay with us forever.

It's the thought that comes by so easily and effortlessly whenever I remember something I should have done for Hamani but forgot to do it. Give him his vitamins in tonight's case..

And I feel this sinking feeling in my heart as those words echo in my mind "horrible.. Horrible" because this innocent little cute baby is depending on me 100%. he's helpless and keeps looking at me all the time mostly smiling or pleading for something, and I need to be careful so he isn't harmed or deprived from anything because of me.

And it's the end of the day, I'm already exhausted from the whole day and those words aren't doing me any favors because I need my rest.

So I calmly assure myself that I'm only human and I'm doing the best that I can. And I mean it. I'm really really trying so hard to be a great mom and I can't help it if some things are forgotten or I'm not good at something.

I can't believe it's been 3 years since we got married.

On those first days of being married back in 2017 I kept telling myself that I should cherish these days because everyone says those feelings never last but I disagree, these feelings evolve with time and you feel more comfortable and more secure and safe with each other through love, sharing, understanding and making sure the other is happy and content with you.

I love looking at him when he's sleeping or he's too busy to notice me and remind myself that once upon a time we were in college sitting in the MIS computer lab working on our graduation project while he kept playing endless songs trying to convey his feelings thinking I didn't know and I was being tortured inside.

I love reminding myself that we never gave up on each other. That what we went through was so hard but he never gave up on me ❤️ which is something I've never dreamed would happen to me.

I love that we enter our third year with a little guy that made us move from "couple" to a "family" 💕

So nothing in life can make you get out of bed if you decided not wanting to get out of bed, everything can be skipped or delayed or you simply just don't care about anything anymore and just wanna stay in bed that day..

But.

A little helpless baby can. No matter how much I'm tired and want to stay in bed, I have to find whatever drop of energy in me to get out and go comfort my baby and tend to his needs. That's the only thing in the world that you can't snooze or delay, that's the only thing that taught me true responsibility.

I'm proud of myself.

On June 15th 2020 i gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.

I can't even begin to describe how lucky I feel that I've been blessed with the gift of pregnancy and now a son.

It's been long 12 hours and i did it all alone due to restriction of companions in the labor room because of the virus. I'm so proud of myself for keeping calm and doing it on my own, it's true my mom and husband were constantly checking with me on the phone but still so proud I did it bravely!

I'm sort of glad I was alone because I managed well and with an epidural it was soooo much easier and no one saw my giving birth face cuz I'm sure it was horrible!

Now I just have to get through these six weeks of recovery then I'll hopefully be good as new.

I'm repeating those words to myself everyday as I fight back tears and emotional exhaustion, I guess what's making this extra hard is being pregnant in my 3rd trimester in the middle of this virus breakout. I still have 2 months to go and I'm just praying that everything will be much better when my baby arrive to this world.

Also losing my grandmother in the middle of all this has been so very hard, because I couldn't visit her at the hospital because I couldn't risk going out, nor was I able to attend the funeral. But it's ok she needed to rest and it was selfish to keep wishing for her to be with us longer when she was suffering from so many things. I love you grandma and miss you so much.

I miss my family so much as well as missing my husbands family. But I know we're doing the right thing and I'm so proud of us.

It's kind of unbelievable that we're living in the middle of something that we only known about in books and survival movies. I know it's not as bad as past viruses and outbreaks but when you see the number of patients and the number of deaths, its just too much.

But again I keep reminding myself that we're strong and we can get through this and I just have to keep imagining the moment that it'll be declared that there are no more patients and the virus is gone.

Then I can have my baby and start a new chapter of my life as a strong mom with the amazing support of a wonderful husband.

How have you been? How are my friends are they all well? I’ve missed you and missed sharing my days everyday with you.

Married life is treating me really well, I’m very happy in my cosy apartment and I’m trying not to let the long working hours get to me.

I’ve recently turned 28, which was nice. I’m running out of 20′s but I’m trying to enjoy everyday.

The main reason that I’ve felt like writing today is because today is a very important day to me. I’ve learned just a few hours ago that I’m going to have a baby boy in approximately 5 months and few days give or take. 

I’ve cried twice so far during ultrasound sessions, first was when I heard the baby’s heartbeat for the first time. Second was today. 

For some reason I wanted my first born to be a boy and I got my wish, the feeling can’t be explained it’s beautiful, scary and mixed with a little stomachache.

Once upon a time I had a dream of travelling half way across the earth to see the Sakura trees and experience the petals rain.

Last Spring I got the chance to go there for a whole month.

Ok so I'm going to post stuff about the movie that will totally spoil it so if you haven't watched the movie then stop reading.

*SPOILERS FOR END GAME*

You know that wonderful bitter sweet feeling you get when you finish a really great book and you have to let go of that world? Well I've never felt like that towards a movie. Never. Not even Harry Potter because duh I've read the books.. What am I talking about, this is not the same case...

But yeah that's how I felt after watching it. And I had this silly smile on my face for the rest of the night because the ending was sooo satisfying.

The fact that Steve and Peggy got their happily ever after is something that hit deep in my heart. Not only because I love Peggy, but because it reminded me of my own love story and how I've once lost the love of my life only to get him back in the most unexpected way.

When I saw steve take the case to return the stones immediately knew that he won't be getting back. I just loved it.

As for Tony dying I've kind of seen it coming for a long time and when I saw his daughter I knew that was it for him so I was prepared abit. They gave him an honourable and just ending, heartbreaking but it was amazing.

I honestly thought there would be more deaths than that but I blame Game Of Thrones for that way of thinking.

Oh and seeing Jarvis was the cherry on the top for me. Because I'm basically the Jarvis to my best friend, who is my Peggy.